Sadly, No!

Above: \Will-i-a-m Ja-c-ob-s-on\ n. 1. Birther. 2. Teabagger. 3. Col. Mustard. 4. Buttmunch.
5. Diploma-er. 6. Second Worst Law Professor in America™

Shorter Col. Mustard, L-eg-a-l I-ns-u-r-erec-t-i-le D-ysf-u-nc-ti-on
Mosques Attacked Again, Stop The Hate

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

“Sneaky little sadlynautses”

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Hey, I was wandering around the Internetz this morning when I saw our good friend Amy Arnold Alkon out digging one of his famous shit moats. So I decided to pay a visit to our favorite Los Angeles transvestite and see what’s cooking in the advice goddess business.

First, Arnold was upset about a story he read that said McDonald’s wasn’t really one of the best food options for kids. “Not so!” Arnold insists.

[I]t’s entirely possible to eat healthily at McDonald’s. … Since carbohydrates cause the insulin secretion that puts on fat … , you just order, say, the bacon-cheese Angus burger without the bun.

That way children can get each of the four essential food groups — salt, beef fat, cheese and pork fat – in one nutritious meal and grow up to be just as smart and healthy as Arnold.

Arnold also has recently penned an article in Psychology Today (under his nom de drag Amy, of course). The article is called “The Truth About Beauty,” a must-read if ever there was one considering that Arnold’s ideal of feminine beauty appears to be Lipsynka, an L.A.-based novelty performer who apparently provides Arnold with most of his ideas on wardrobe, accessories and haute coiffure. Well, not surprisingly, the point of Arnold’s article is that beauty is not on the inside at all but exclusively on the outside and that if women want to get laid they’d better concentrate on their Pilates and restrict their diets to those fat-burning bunless burgers at McDonald’s. Plus they need to buy more fetching clothes. (Yes, folks, you just watched the death of irony before your very eyes.)

Arnold’s column elicited a negative reaction at Jezebel which, apparently, really got his dander up. Not content merely to dismiss his critics as hairy-legged lesbianatical Amazons, as Arnold did here, Arnold went on to say, in a second post, that the Lezebels used comment moderation to, gasp, block a comment favorable to Arnold. Arnold, of course, would never ban unfavorable comments from his site.

And speaking of people writing about things they know nothing about, here’s a link to a post by Mr. Play-Doh and Bacon about feminine hygiene and cunnilingus. Srsly. It’s as if Jim Hoft suddenly wrote a post on narrative strategies and the phenomenology of memory in Proust.

ABOVE: Kenny Solomon, before
and after monster burgers

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Kenny Solomon, survivalist, monster burger enthusiast, internet troll, witticist par excellence, and one of the smartest guys at Red State, has been given posting rights at Gateway Dumbshit. Solomon is allowed to post there when Hoft is in the basement flagellating himself with barbed wire and a rusty set of rosary beads to save the blastocysts and can’t be bothered to fire up his eMachine eTower and have it dial into NetZero.

Well, Solomon has been surfing the net again and uncovered a terrifying piece of news which he logs into Gateway Dumbshit to share:

Question: Any idea how many flights from Haiti arrive in Miami on a daily basis?

…At least seven. Each day.

Question: Do you know why I’m asking the question ?

…Didn’t think so.

Wait, wait, Kenny, ask me! I know the answer!! Is it because the Haitians are coming to rape our white women, practice voodoo in our schools and churches, collect welfare, and overrun our emergency rooms? Amirite or what?

Sadly, no.

Read this from the Sun-Sentinel:

Florida’s health department is asking doctors statewide to be prepared for possible cholera cases here as Haiti grapples with the dual calamities of Tropical Storm Tomas and a waterborne outbreak that has sickened 4,649 and killed 305 on the island.

“We can expect that some travelers returning from Haiti may become symptomatic with cholera en route to, or shortly after arrival in Florida,” the letter warns.

It can take anywhere from five hours to five days after exposure for a person to develop the symptoms.

Lovely.

So how does Kenny propose to handle this potential onslaught of diseased black people? Carpet-bomb the island and kill every man, woman and child on it? No, Kenny, a compassionate conservative if there ever was one, takes a more restrained approach:

Hey, I’ve a novel idea….. Stop me if you’ve heard something like it before. NOTHING… NOTHING comes into Florida from Haiti as of this second until the CHOLERA outbreak is gone.

No returning aid workers. No orphans. No nothing!

Not surprisingly, Kenny saw the word “cholera” and wet his pants because it sounds really, really bad. Like, say, the “Black Death” or “Hydrogen Dioxide Poisoning” or the “African Rhinovirus.”

Courtesy of Sadly, No!’s top secret investigative tool code-named Google, let’s see what the Mayo Clinic has to say about CHOLERA

When humans ingest cholera bacteria, they may not become sick themselves, but they still excrete the bacteria in their stool and can pass cholera disease to others through the fecal-oral route. This mainly occurs when human feces contaminate food or water supplies, both of which can serve as ideal breeding grounds for the cholera bacteria. Because more than a million cholera bacteria – approximately the amount you’d find in a glass of contaminated water – are needed to cause illness, cholera usually isn’t transmitted through casual person-to-person contact.

In other words unless you let a Haitian take a poop in your glass and then you drink it afterwards, you are about as likely to get cholera from a Haitian as Kenny is to figure out finally that you have to unwrap Pop Tarts before you put them in the toaster.

One might think that after the Great Victory To Take My Country Back most Tea Party folks would want to roll up their sleeves and get to work ensuring that their newly elected bagislators actually live up to their promises.

Some Tea Partiers did in fact make such an effort, if somewhat cryptically and with a lack of specifics — such as RedState’s hogan, who advised the new D.C. in-crowd to ‘double down on freedom’ (we suggest they also buy insurance if the dealer’s upcard is liberty). Others, like Pam Geller, were a bit too specific — demanding the fulfillment of actual Tea Party campaign trail pledges plus several more that one was hard-pressed to find in the literature of even the most rabid candidates. To wit:

– We will raise the voting age to 21. Military excluded. If “children” are still on their parents health-care at 26, maybe 21 is too low.

– We will mandate trips for key liberals in leadership to Iran, Somalia, Darfur, et al, to watch clitorectomies, stonings, and gender apartheid.

– We will arrange for youth summer camps in Somalia and Darfur for Obama’s youth corps, and tell them it’s the peace corps for the lefties.

All positive, forward-looking stuff, to be sure. But for some on the Right, it was more difficult to let go of the anger that led them to the mountaintop. Before marching towards a better tomorrow, it seems it was necessary for some to pause for a quick skull-fucking of the leftist enemies they had so soundly defeated on Nov. 2.

And few were as furious in victory as professional angerist Michelle Malkin. (‘You won’t like Michelle Malkin when she’s angry’, as they say. Or to excise the redundancy and for brevity’s sake, ‘you won’t like Michelle Malkin’.)

Malkin launched her first post-election broadside at California gubernatorial winner Jerry Brown.

‘California, you are about to get even more screwed up than you already are,’ she sneered, declaring the erstwhile Governor Moonbeam’s victory address the ‘weirdest’ of election night. No word on whether Carl Paladino’s channeling of Dick Nixon doing an Al Capone impression is to be named the sanest concession speech of the evening.

But that was just a warm-up act for the real target of Malkin’s rage — Barack Obama.

Take Your Olive Branch and Shove It, Democrats

… Here is an ironclad certainty: It’s too little too late for the antagonist-in-chief to paper over two years of relentless Democratic incivility and hate toward his domestic ‘enemies’. Voters have spoken: They’ve had enough. Enough of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner’s rhetorical abuse. Enough of his feints at bipartisanship. Whatever the final tally, this week’s turnover in Congress is a GOP mandate for legislative pugilism, not peace. Voters have had enough of big government meddlers ‘getting things done.’ They are sending fresh blood to the nation’s Capitol to get things undone.

One gets the sense that this particular column has been sitting on Malkin’s hard drive since around midnight on Nov. 4, 2008. Still, to her credit, she seems to have removed any references to the Philadelphia Phillies winning the World Series.

Just two short years ago, Obama campaigned as the transcendent unifier. ‘Young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled, Americans have sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of red states and blue states,’ he proclaimed. ‘We have been and always will be the United States of America.’

It’s been an Us vs. Them freefall ever since.

We’re with her on the concluding criticism of the Tea Party’s track record but we wonder, when will she get to the part that bashes Obama and the Democrats? Never fear:

Democratic leaders have taken their cue from Team Obama’s persistent politics of polarization.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer called vocal citizens who protested the federal health care takeover bill during the town hall revolts of 2009 ‘un-American‘, too. …

Obama’s pal Rep. Alan Grayson of Florida, whom the president hailed as an ‘outstanding‘ member of Congress, accused Republicans of wanting elderly people to ‘die quickly‘ and of presiding over a ‘holocaust in America‘. …

In California, entrenched incumbent jerk Pete Stark derided immigration enforcement activists at a town hall by asking: ‘Who are you going to kill today?‘

Accusations of un-Americanism? Inappropriate Holocaust comparisons? Labeling political opponents murderers? Strictly the province of the Left!

Let us be clear, in case it hasn’t fully sunk into the minds of Obama and the trash-talking Democrats yet: You can take your faux olive branch and shove it.

Thank you.

No, thank you, Michelle! We Lefties are chastened by your spot-on denunciation of our boorish discourse and bellicose policy agenda of the past few years and we eagerly await your recommended 180-degree turn towards the friendly tickling of the body politic with ‘legislative pugilism, not peace’.

Even pigs would probably draw the line at contracting for hits on people in PETA in order to assure each pig’s freedom to become bacon and be fried up in skillets across the country. So, in that sense, as this tweet shows, even your average pig is smarter than Bruce Carroll, The Gay Patriot:

Does anyone want to speculate why Bruce might not have a dog in the gay marriage race?

That’s Bruce on the right. Would you marry this guy? I didn’t think so. I wouldn’t either — even if you got me coked up out of my mind, poured a bottle of Stoli down my throat, dragged me to DC, and promised that I could carry on an adulterous affair with Ryan Kwanten.

(Oh, and Bruce, blocking me on Twitter, as you’ve done, doesn’t prevent me from seeing or mocking your tweets. It just makes you look even more foolish.)

Well, I voted yes on both the measure to legalize reefer and San Francisco’s anti-vagrant sit/lie law. The Pantload is right — there is such a thing as liberal fascism!

Sadly, the first failed and the second succeeded. I’d rather it have been the other way around, given the choice. Meanwhile, my money’s on Rand Paul to be the first newly minted teabagislator to get caught up in a dead hooker scandal.

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEAH!

ABOVE: Prof. Althouse tells trick-or-treaters to kiss her ass.

Shorter Annal T. House, Her Non-Partisan Eponymous Blog
Halloween … we just got the tiniest little Spiderman …

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: The Sorrows of Merlot

Shorter Annal T. House, Her Non-Partisan Eponymous Blog
About those packages — that “credible terrorist threat” — with “all the hallmarks of Al Qaeda” — coming just before Election Day.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

[h/t FGFM]

Shorter Bryan Fischer, Ruhnoomurka
President Obama diminishes the office daily

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™