Sadly, No!

ABOVE: K-Loaded

Seriously, I’m expecting the sky to cleave open at any minute and for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to come galloping over the clouds. K-Lo, over at America’s Shittiest Website™ (aka America’s Most Excruciatingly Slow Website™) has cited a statement of the National Organization for Women. Approvingly. It’s like hearing Brent Bozell confess a fondness for Allen Ginsburg’s “Howl,” seeing Tony Perkins reading Edmund White’s A Boy’s Own Story or discovering an essay by Megan McArdle on the role of the Aristotelian unities in the tragedies of Racine. In French.

The statement in question is NOW’s denunciation of the evil people at Gawker for revealing to the world that Christine O’Donnell once dressed up like a ladybug, got liquored up, picked up a guy and tried to bed him. Of course, my eschatological fantasy dissolved immediately when K-Lo engaged in that awesome wingnut superpower of mindreading.

I wonder if they would have issued the statement if Chris Coons weren’t so ahead in the polls.

Okay, two can play this game. I wonder whether K-Lo would have said this if Christine O’Donnell were ahead in the polls. Or if the Gawker piece detailed a 24-hour meth-fueled orgy with Barney Frank in a French maid’s outfit and GLAAD issued a statement about the harassment of gay politicians.

Here’s another thing I wonder with respect to all the howls of outrage at the Gawker piece. This is a situation where Christine O’Donnell publicly preached that sex outside of marriage is so bad that even to touch your own thingy down there is a sinful act of infidelity that makes the angels weep, the devils high-five each other in Hell, and more hair sprout on your palm than you’ll find on an unwaxed hooha or John Podhoretz’s back. And then she goes all Snooki when no one’s looking.

The Gawker story is not about harassment of a female politician. It’s about hypocrisy. No one dropped a stitch — nor should they have — when tales of Larry Craig’s escapades in his Capitol Hill townhouse were revealed, including sordid details about the mechanics of the encounter which make the reference in Gawker to Christine’s, er, you-know-what seem tame. If you run around preaching sexual morality, your own dalliances are fair game whether you’re male, female, gay, straight, or, like me, Belgian.

Shorter Professor Annal T. House, Her Eponymous Non-Partisan Blog:
Finally Some Good News for Democrats

Shorter Professor Annal T. House, Her Eponymous Non-Partisan Blog:
Yes, yes, I know there was that eye-catching “head stomping” to talk about yesterday…

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Confederate Yankee Bob Owens on patrol for Black Bart*

One of the favorite memes of the right-wing nutjob-o-sphere is that liberals and blacks are the real racists and that, in reality, the true champions of diversity and racial harmony are conservative white guys who, believe it or not, spend almost every waking hour mulling over what, in the end, is most beneficial for blacks. Of course, the holy grail in this quest for evidence of liberal and black racism is President Obama, the socialist blackmander-in-chief running amok in the White House ramming “stuff” down everyone’s throat.

Now the conservatives are aware that Obama, like most uppity, well-educated Negroes, is way too smart to just run around calling white people crackers and honkies or publicly admitting his plans to relocate all white people to “work” camps in the Okefenokee Swamp. So, the task of uncovering his undeniable racism requires the application of close hermeneutic analysis by highly-educated right-wing bloggers uniquely skilled in coaxing from each Presidential utterance the incipient racism hiding behind what appear to the untrained eye to be ordinary words.

Speaking of highly-educated right-wing bloggers with unique analytic abilities, is that you Confederate Yankee? I thought so. Who better to sniff out the evils of racism than someone who choses to call himself a Confederate and who decorates his website with the Confederate flag? Oh wait, you’re some guy named MikeM who posts for Mr. ConWankee when he’s too liquored up to drive from his trailer park to the library in town with an internet terminal. Well, what have you to say, MikeM?

Mr. Obama is at it again. … But Mr. Obama redeemed himself on Monday by inviting Republicans along on the Obama Magic Bus, with one proviso: We have to ride in the back.

Hope, change, progress, lunatic racial slurs…it’s a brave new world.

Oh, dear, but I think Mr. Con Wankee’s fill-in is cheating just a teensy bit here, judging from what Obama actually said.

As he does frequently, Obama compared the economy to taking over a car that veered into a ditch. As Democrats have tried to push the car out of the ditch, Republicans, he said, were “fanning themselves, sippin’ on a Slurpee” and kicking dirt in their faces.

“Now we get the Republicans tapping us on the shoulder, saying ‘We want the keys back,'” Obama said to cheers. “You can’t have the key back — you don’t know how to drive,” Obama said to hoots, hollers and hurrahs. “You can ride with us if you want, but you’ve got to sit in the backseat. We’re going to put middle-class America in the front seat.”

Hmm. It seems the “backseat” of a car got all transmogrified by Mikey’s fetid imagination into the back of a bus, an alleged allusion to a practice that we can be certain that Mikey vigorously opposed at the time and now rightly finds morally reprehensible and, on top of that, a racial slur.

And God forbid that Obama should ever utter the phrase “hang on” because if he does Mr. Wankee and his little elf assistants will be telling us that Obama has just called for every white person in the United States to be lynched.

*Yeah, I know that the post was written by one of Mr. Yankee’s elves and not by Mr. Yankee himself, but I noticed that only after I finished this P-shop, and I thought it was too good to waste. If anyone wants to complain about this, I’ll gladly refund the price of their subscription to this blog.

Well, yesterday I sent a tweet to Mullah Omar al-Bozell and his butt-boy Timmy Graham suggesting that al-Bozell might want to use my portrait of him in Taliban mullah garb for his picture at Newsbusters Artbusters:

Mullah al-Bozell was too busy dynamiting statues with lady nipples showing to respond personally to my kind suggestion, but that’s what butt boys are for!

Well, that can’t go unanswered, can it?

And, you know, however much I may be offended by Thomas Kinkeade’s dreck or paintings of puppies playing poker, I don’t charge into other people’s houses and take an axe to the stuff they hang on their walls. Just another example of debased liberal values, I suppose.

Oh, and fixed. Also.

ABOVE: Mullah Brent al-Bozell

Mullah Bozell, Artbusters
Shock and Awful Art

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Josh White, age 11 (left),* Erick Erickson (center) and Gruff (right)

Shorter Erick Erickson, Red State
“All Catholics Are Pedophiles” — The Democrats’ Closing Argument

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Image of Josh White, age 11, cropped from photo pursuant to 18 U.S.C. § 2252.

More cutting-edge investigative journalism from the Pepys of Poca, the Muse of the Moonpie, the perennial Pulitzer wannabe-nominee Don “Jim Bob” Surber, this time to demonstrate that gays are a bunch of whiney-assed sissies and that the bloggers at Gawker aren’t as clever as Jim Bob:

5. From the Gawker: “Facebook allows users to list which gender of partner they’re interested in. But do you want Facebook’s advertisers to know if you’re gay? A Microsoft researcher has found a loophole which could secretly reveal a gay user’s sexuality to advertisers.”

Let’s see, you tell the world that you are a dude looking for a dude and somehow Facebook outed you?

Under the Even Gawker Should Display Some Logic rule…

“Ha!” Surber sputters. “Stupid faggots announce to the world on their Facebook page that they play for the other team and then get all huffy when their Facebook page has ads for mascara, high heels, lube and Key West sodomy spas. Further proof that teh buttsecks makes people stupid.”

Or, maybe further proof that Jim Bob never reads what he links beyond the first sentence or so, probably because moving his lips while reading tires him out so quickly, not to mention that all the big words past the lede are real confusing.

Also from “the Gawker:”

[L]et’s say you click on that ad for the nursing school that targeted its advertising only to gay men. You fill out an application and mention that you saw their ad on Facebook. The school now knows you’re a man who is interested in men, even if you’ve hidden your sexual preference using Facebook’s privacy settings. See why this might be a problem? [Ed. — “Don, we’re looking at you here.”]

Of course, if you’re comfortable enough to put it on your Facebook profile, you’re probably OK with some people knowing you’re gay. But whereas Facebook’s privacy settings allow you to choose who can see your sexual preference, you have no control over what information Facebook uses to target advertising. Facebook’s privacy policy states that it can even use “information you may have decided not to show other users (such as your birth year or other sensitive personal information or preferences) to select the appropriate audience for… advertisements.” Anything you put on your profile is fair game.

So, no, Jim Bob, you ignorant twit, this is not about Facebook outing people who have “told the world” that they’re gay. Instead, what it’s really about is your outing yourself as someone incapable of understanding simple English, something you might want to chew on the next time you decide to start complaining about dem furriners not speaking English.

Jim Geraghty, one of the crazy kids at America’s Shittiest Website™, brings down the house

So who still says that “conservative humor” is an oxymoron? Huh?

(And here’s another knee-slapping tweet from Geraghty)

Another day, another plug at America’s Shittiest Website™ by Jo-Dough Loadberg for his new minimus dopus, the straight-to-paperback blockbuster Proud To Be Right.

A very nice piece about the collection over at The American Thinker

Oh my! A book review over at The American Thinker! That should be fun. And — are you sitting down? — it is, shockingly, a rave review.

Like Reagan did, and like the new crop of Constitution-faithful candidates must do, Proud to Be Right brings conservatism into classrooms, workplaces, and living rooms — into the real world. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher used to say, “The facts of life are conservative.” For the Tea Party movement to reach its potential, it must show America that she is right. A step in the right direction comes from a somewhat surprising source: America’s youth.

With reviews like this, can a National Book Award or Pulitzer Prize be far behind? The reviewers are Joseph Ashby and Drew Foy. I’ve never heard of them. Let’s see what the blurb at the bottom of the review says about them.

Joseph Ashby and Andrew Foy, M.D. are contributors to Jonah Goldberg’s new book Proud to be Right: Voices of the Next Conservative Generation.

That probably explains why the review singles out for particular praise the contributions to the book by — wait, wait! — Joseph Ashby and Andrew Foy. Now lest you jump to any mean liberal assumptions, I am pretty sure that the two reviewers agreed that the parts about Ashby would be written by Foy and vice versa.

And lest you jump to any even meaner conclusions about why Jo-Dough would praise a review of his book written by the very contributors to the book, I have been assured that Jo-Dough did not know that the review authors Ashby and Foy were actually contributors to his new book.

To sum up, Jonah gets other people to write his latest book for him, which has his name on it even though he likely hasn’t even read it, and then those very same people get to write reviews of the book. It is, as they say, a win-win situation.
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