Sadly, No!

OMG! Writing iz Hard! How U ErrAz Pen WRiTng on Com Putter Screen?!? Iz Impossible! (Burp) (Fart)

Mona Charen, National Depantsing:
Gender-Specific Writer

• The crappy in-program proofreader on my discount word processing program is a secret liberal plot to steal my freedom to write terribly.

Sigh.

I write for free for a comedy website in the spare evenings after a hard day spent educating overly excited munchkins, usually after I’ve also spent a couple of hours tutoring in multiple subjects.

To do that I make sure I have a reasonable command of the English language, strong mastery of writing and editing in wordpress, strong command of html for post writing, additional mastery in my main word processing software for times like now when wordpress is fucking up, and have been training myself in GIMP so I can photoshop wingnuts onto toilets a quarter as well as Tintin, and I try and always proofread my epics before I throw it up (and yet, they still look like they do).

I do all these things because despite the fact that this is free work in my suddenly rare free time, I care about the quality of my output and want to make it something worth the time you spend reading it

This isn’t to elicit pity, solicit kudos, or to try and make writing third-rate snark sound like some herculean task (I mean, seriously, this shit writes itself). But rather, an important note to set the scene.

Cause see, I do this for free. If I was being paid for it. If say, writing posts for the internet was my main source of income, you’d damn well be sure I’d be even more meticulous and probably use half the penis jokes I do now (or double them, one or the other). Cause it’d be my fucking job, my fucking livelihood.

…

Mona Charen is supposedly a professional writer.

Mona Charen makes her living writing opinion pieces on the web and in print. She probably makes more in a year writing for various wingnut welfare programs than I can even dream of. It is her, to repeat myself, fucking livelihood.

Why am I making such a big deal pointing all this out?

Because Mona Charen… wrote an article for the National Review in which she picked a fight with her proofreading software… and lost… and then turned in the saga… and was paid for it…

Yeah…

Apparently I’m in the wrong fucking field.
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“Would you care to join us in our Rainbow Squirt Pledge of Purpose?” “To promote niceness. To make the world prettier. To share candy with everyone. To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman. To protect the Milkman at all costs. To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective”
(Picture courtesy of Jennifer of 3 Weird Sisters)

Betsy M. Galliher, Where Do You Think? They Write Half Our Material These Days:
Girl Scouts: The Awful Truth

No.

Just no. I refuse to believe this is a thing. I refuse to believe that the right-wing really is doubling down on demonizing the fucking Girl Scouts as evil slutty mcslut sluts. Nope, not doing it.

I mean sure, there was that open letter by Bob Morris, but this was rural Indiana and this was after the Republican Party in 2010 started running the most insane third-stringers it could find for all of its offices.

And yeah, there were all those websites, but fuck, the TimeCube guy has a website. It’s not hard for the schizophrenics of the world to learn enough web design to follow a wordpress template. Hell, even I can manage it.

So no, I’m refusing to believe it-

• The Girl Scouts are literally the Rainbow Squirts from the Milkman Conspiracy (google it) and are being trained to become nubile young lesbo sluts for our Liberal Overlords.

Oh goddamn it.

Fine. Apparently, the right-wing has decided that just arguing that Catholic Bishops have the right to ban everyone’s contraception everywhere, trying to pass Ultrasound Rape Bills as “abortion education bills” in every state, and screaming at the top of their lungs that they think every non-asexual woman is a dirty slut who deserves death just isn’t quite enough to show the world how much they despise and hope for the death of women.

As such, we’ve got them doubling down as well on a minor controversy that I had assumed dead about how the Girl Scouts were supposedly Slutty Hitler Clones because some of the people who support them also support adult women being human beings as well. Oh fuck it, it’s so stupid, I’m gonna let Betsy Von Sant explain it instead:
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ABOVE: Andrew Breitbart (left drunk) and Cynthia Yockey (right stupid)

Shorter Cynthia Yuckly, America’s Dumbest Lesbian™ aka A Conservative Lesbian:
What I propose to protect conservatives under attack on Twitter

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

And in breaking news, Andrew Breitbart is still dead.

America’s Worst Unemployed Lawyer, the Supposed Non-Virgin Ben Shapiro, Big Everything:
The Vetting: Obama Embraces Racialist* Prof

Some people on their deathbed leave works of enigmatic quality and stunning revelation that make us ache to know what could have been if they hadn’t been struck dead while trying to complete their work. Such works seem to evoke a mythic quality, both a clue to the creation process of a genius as well as a testament to our flitting mortality and the way death does not kindly wait for convenience.

So too could Breitbart’s final project (an “expose of Obama’s college days”) have been…

You know, if he wasn’t a hack whose only success came off passing work to 3rd rate videographer hacks to form poorly edited video which would have remained in wingnut conspiracy theory limbo if the Bought and Sold Media weren’t desperate for something, anything to create a “both sides do it” controversy as distraction from the various racist/sexist temper tantrums the Right were throwing up in 2009.

But still, Breitbart’s minions, desperate to retain their jobs now that the personality whose cult they formed has shuffed the coil, have decided to “honor” their old boss by posting what their boss had in attempted fanfare.

Sadly, seeing as this is Sadly, No favorite Ben Shapiro trying to do the honoring, it’s even more inept than you would initially suspect. Let me give you the shorter:

• A black man hugged another black man in front of a crowd that contained at least one black person. If this isn’t directly parallel to a Klu Klux Klan meeting, I don’t know what is.

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LEAVE RUSHBO ALONE!

Ned Barnett, The Comedy Goldmine Known as American Thinker:
The Apology-Gotcha Game

Okay, I’m going to try and go against all my verbosity instincts and put the shorter first as if I was a real poster. Okay, here, we go… c’mon… almost there…

• Our insincere apologies being treated as the insincere backhanded apologies that they are is proof that we should never ever apologize for being reproachable lowlifes and thus doubling down is the only legitimate strategy.

Oh Bob in Himmel, that was harder than I thought it would be. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices I make for you all.

So, moving back into my comfort zone of over-long treatises, today’s offering is yet another in the long line of wingnuts rushing to the aid of Lord Rushbo the First, King among Assholes.

Cause for what would only be like the second time in his life, he’s actually facing consequences for deciding to double down on the contraceptive fail (cause something like 99% of Americans use at least one form of contraceptive protection) with a prolonged stint of attempted slut shaming.

And so he released the usual half-hearted, back-handed, and insincere apology assholes give when they’ve been caught and want to make their critiques shut up. You know the type: “I’m sorry you were offended”, “I’m sorry that this private message was released publicly”, “I’m sorry that you feel so bad about me stabbing your mom in the neck, but maybe if she wasn’t such a cunt, I wouldn’t have had to stab a bitch. What? I said I was sorry!”
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The True Face of Satan according to every wingnut everywhere according to the long-standing and deeply held beliefs that the’ve had since about 11 o’clock last monday.

Tina Korbe, Assistant Malkin at Hot Air:
Georgetown co-ed*: Please pay for us to have sex … We’re going broke buying birth control**

So when we last left the intrepid Republicans on the contraception debate, they were busy trying to faceplant themselves so hard, their noses were perfectly flat.

Well, while I was off being detained on rumors of Columbian drug running
dashing and intrepid in my regular job, the Right decided to double down on the fail train and go “missing track ahead? That’ll be no threat to Full Throttle!”

First they had their achingly bad “forum on contraception” completely made up of skeezy old uncles you’d expect to see in a police line-up of the local pedophiles. Then King Rushbo, Lord of the Drug Mountain decided to come up from snorting some coke of the ass of an 8-year old Guatemalan boy to try and steal Michelle Malkin and Andrew Breitbart’s shtick and decided to smear whatever poor unlucky bastard ended up trying to report the reality counter to the latest right-wing obsession in congress (and the organization of this is totally not at all harassment intended to prevent the other side from having adequate defense of their position on a national level, no no no).

Enter in Sandra Fluke, who pointed out the no shit in the debate that contraception, especially female contraception, can be a pretty weighty expense and burden on women. Lord Rushbo decides to dedicate his show to calling her a slut, gets blowback, and now all of Wingnuttia is fucked.

They need to defend their lord and master, distributor of the Talking Points, but the tiny vestigal organ in their brains dedicated to self-preservation keeps trying to tell them that the faster they abandon this whole contraception tangent, the better chance they have of being able to endure as Professional Women Haters going into the future. Sadly, for them, Wingnuttia just can’t help itself. The rocks call to them, they must jump.
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IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION demands 70 posts on the subject of how scared Obama is of the upcoming general election.

Kevin Jackson, American Shitflinger:
Ten Indications that Obama is Scared

So Kevin Jackson, the black equivalent of a Jew urging his fellow inmates to stop bitching about the showers and just shove in already, has after years of selling his soul for little gain, looked at the looming presidential election and began hyperventilating.

But of course, at our favorite punching bag, the American Thinker, this doesn’t mean a sobering reflection on the series of bad choices that has brought his failure of a life to where it lies now. No, no, no!

No, instead, he’s decided that his fears are now proof that Obama is scared of the election and has decided to try to come up with 10 reasons besides “nuh uh, you’re the one with no chance in the general”. He doesn’t exactly succeed.

And since I’m feeling extra nice, have a free shorter:

• Obama running for re-election is proof that he’s up to evil blackity black black plots. Also he’s scared of our turgid Republican cocks.

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The line between public official and that creepy guy who insists on sitting next to you on the bus is getting a little too thin for my tastes.

Rep. Bob Morris, Indiana House of Representatives:
Girl Scouts Have “Radical Policies”

The Girl Scouts have long vexed the wingnuts of the world. Not just because the Scouts are a group of young girls who are trained to do something other than wash dishes and suck preacher cock. But also because they have proven to be far less corruptible than their male counterparts.

While they had no difficulty taking over the Boy Scouts and turning it into a religiously organization more interested in using children as a cover for attacks against non-discrimination laws than in instilling any kind of environmental, intellectual, and social curiosity in young boys, the Girl Scouts have proven more hardy.

And as Girl Scouts enter into their Centennial, there has been an explosion of the certifiable steaming at the years of the uppitiness of these young women selling cookies without being properly on their knees.

And while websites like this and this are rife with potential picks, we’ll just have to go with the only nutjob in the list who has genuine political power.

Cause we’re rebels like that.
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Shorter Jeannie DeAngelis, Ruhnoomurka:
Nancy Pelosi: Vicar of Contraception

• Non-Catholics should do as the Catholic church says, not as it does.

After noting with approval the Catholic church’s approved method of birth control (“Ladies, keep your legs together when you’re fertile!”), Jeannie then calls all other forms of birth control feticide, apparently heartlessly unconcerned with those poor unfertilized eggs (potential babies all!) that wither in the womb while Mommie murderously keeps her womb closed for business — not to mention her equal lack of concern for the poor spermatoza (potential babies all!) that get washed down the shower drain or sopped up with tissue and flushed down the toilet during this chaste interlude. But this is just old stuff and standard crazy for the Life-Begins-at-Conception-and Ends-at-Birth crowd.

But there is no cause for concern. The reason that we read Jeannie again and again is that she can take the old tired-and-true crazy and whip it up into a confection of jaw-dropping lunacy the same way a skilled chef can turn a hunk of chocolate and stick of butter into an orgasmic truffle. Let’s watch Jeannie at work:

Justifying the federal government’s diktat on contraception and abortion, Pelosi, mother of five and a Catholic herself, has concluded that the church has no right to balk because thus far, when it comes to reproductive matters the Catholic church has not policed parishioners properly.

You’d think that this “diktat” (You know who else liked to speak German?)was forcing woman to have abortions and men to wear condoms rather than just requiring insurers to pay for birth control pills. But her clever reference to the German word used to condemn the Treaty of Versailles is just a distraction from the perfectly reasonable question: why, indeed, should the a bunch of priests and bishops be cramming their views of contraception, no doubt views influenced by the fact that choirboys are unable to become pregnant, down the throats of non-Catholics when they can’t even get their own Catholic parishioners to forswear the pill even after shouting threats of hellfire, eternal damnation, and excommunication from the pulpit for, oh, the last 40 years?

Are you as excited about how Jeannie is going to answer this as I am?

Does the House Minority Leader … believe that the Catholic Church has a method to “enforce” upon those in the pew who can and cannot use contraception?

Er, I think they call it excommunication and the burning fiery pits of hell, but I could be wrong.

How, pray tell, can parish priests keep the 31.3% of women who get abortions from destroying their children?

See above.

Should Father So-and-So spend all day stalking abortion clinics . . .

But, wait, who then are those old guys in clerical drag hanging out all day at the Planned Parenthood clinics? Imposters? Halloween revelers who forgot to take off their costumes several months ago?

and monitoring pharmacies to see who is filling prescriptions for birth control- and morning-after pills?

Well, it would be a better use of their time than curating their child porn collections on parish computers or chasing little Kevin around the sacristy. But, frankly, yes, if these parish mullahs are all torn up about rampant condom and pill use (it’s murder isn’t it?) then they should pull themselves away from watching Taylor Lautner marathons on Blu-ray in the rectory long enough to assure that their own flock isn’t engaged in non-procreative fucking. Yes, they should hang out at pharmacies and examine their parishioner’s prescriptions. If they want to see if I’ve got a condom in my wallet they better damn well start by checking the wallets of all the people that purport to believe in the stuff that the Roman Catholic church is peddling before they start rummaging around in mine.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Professor Eugene Volokh

Shorter Eugene Volokh, The Volokh Conspiracy:
Posthumous Baptisms

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™