Sadly, No!

How can I turn my most embarrassing life story into my defining character trait? By endlessly bitching about how these young flappers insist on the condamns and the vidjeo games, that’s how!

Ross Douchehat, The New York Fucking Times:
The ‘Safe, Legal, Rare’ Illusion

Oh Douchehat, as much as we try and pull away from your Chunky-Reese-Witherspoon fearing thought abortions, you keep pulling us back in with your attempts to make right-wing pablum and Vatican marching orders sound like actual coherent thoughts.

So this week’s column is about, what else? Abortion. There seems to be a certain type of guy who just can’t seem to get it up unless the woman is terrified they might get pregnant and as Douchehat has already written an entire post on that subject, he has turned his canny awareness of the fairer sex to the latest right-wing obsession.

That is how unfair it is that the attempts by the professional anti-woman league to branch out from “just being against the medical procedure of abortions (but only for those slutty women, you know who we are talking about) because of quote-unquote ‘teh babeez'” to being against all forms of contraception or non-conceiving copulation like the anti-sex psychotics they have always been have been mildly rebuked by the public at large.

It’s almost like it’s difficult to exploit people’s emotional connection to potential when you literally are trying to argue that every sperm is sacred. Who knew?

But still, Douchehat wouldn’t be as sad as he is if he didn’t still try and slam his head against the locked and barred uteruses of the world.
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Oh god, what are you doing with that- Oh fuck no, I can’t unsee that… What do you mean you got the censored version? Oh you lucky sons of a BEEEEEEEEPPP.

It’s been an awkward time for the wingnuts of the world. They’ve rubbed their withered hate erections until they’ve started to bleed over the various spurts of the right-wing id that have been unleashed since the election of the black president.

But it hasn’t been enough. True release has been denied to them like their access to the playgrounds of the world and so they’ve found themselves fantasizing larger and larger set pieces from which to imagine themselves skullfucking the universe from their tower of bones.

And now that I’ve ruined sex for half of you, let’s move on to the recent desperate fantasy of one National Review member as he rather pathetically tries to combine hate-fucking liberals with his love of necrophilia by resurrecting the spectre of “Obamacare”.
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No less fewer than one of these women is crazy.

Shorter Jeannieology, Renew America
Is Obama purposely altering America’s religious complexion?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

In other news: After years of thinking we’ve gone ahead and gotten a new look — if you don’t like it, and we’re gonna guess you don’t, because that’s how you are, you can go back to the old one (look to the theme switcher on the right).

ABOVE: Jim “Sexy Beast” Hoft

The Gateway Dumbshit is being a dumber shit than usual in his latest post: “In Horrible Hit Piece Washington Monthly Says Santorum Called Protestants ‘Satan’s Spawn.’ “ The butthurt this time aptly fits in the required shorter:

• Just because Santorum said that there is not a single Protestant alive who is really Christian anymore is no reason to assume that he was saying Protestants are under the influence of Satan. They might actually be worshiping Zoroaster or Ganesh instead.

Now, on the one hand, you have to admit that even this is, by Hoft’s standards, somewhat less batshit insane than his normal ravings. The Washington Monthly article that has Hoft spluttering cites a quote from a Santorum speech in which he says that “mainline Protestantism in this country … is in shambles … [and] is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it.” Nothing in the Santorum quote in the article says a word about Satan, or Beelzebub, or Lucifer, or the Beast, or the Antichrist (aka Obama), so I suppose it is perfectly reasonable suppose to say that Protestants, having abandoned Christianity entirely, have thrown their lot in with Zoraster or Ganesh or Mullah Omar or, for that matter, Wilma Flintstone.

This is all well and good until you actually click the link in the Washington Monthly article to the entire Santorum speech, a task that apparently eludes Hoft’s limited motor skills. If you do, you will see that, in fact, Santorum is indeed saying that Satan has taken control of the entirety of Protestantism, as part of Satan’s designs on the United States (which include, it appears, a plan to give the pill to all women before gay marrying them to flannel-clad lesbians):

This is not a political war at all. This is not a cultural war. This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country – the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?

…

And so what we saw this domino effect, once the colleges fell and those who were being education in our institutions, the next was the church. Now you’d say, ‘wait, the Catholic Church’? No. We all know that this country was founded on a Judeo-Christian ethic but the Judeo-Christian ethic was a Protestant Judeo-Christian ethic, sure the Catholics had some influence, but this was a Protestant country and the Protestant ethic, mainstream, mainline Protestantism, and of course we look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it.

There we go. We have Satan. We even have the Fricking Father of Fricking Lies if Satan were not enough. So if this wanker Hoft had stopped pulling his flaccid pud long enough to mouse over and click the relevant link, his manufactured outrage at Washington Monthly insulting Santorum by claiming he said something he hadn’t said would have vanished faster than the days when Hoft could maintain an erection without prescription medication.

Protect me funny hat and bathroom walls, from the Beast of Consent! Lo, its time approaches and all will be consumed in its wake!

Selwyn Duke, American Tinkler:
How to Win the Marriage Debate

Somethings got the chumps still in the professional homophobe business steaming. What might that be?

The big news on the culture-war front is a federal court’s striking down of Proposition 8, California’s constitutional amendment protecting marriage.

Ah, right. It’s been a bad time for the homophobes. They used to be able to stand tall, their monomaniacal obsessions treated as serious contenders in the culture war and enjoying their majority power to beat down the fags whenever they so pleased.

But things changed. The court of public opinion swung around the other way and now it seems that being virulently anti-gay is going the way of being anti-catholic or pro-segregation. Something to be nurtured in dog whistles and desperate attempts to “return to the good old days” and to be complained about as “political correctness” taking away your rights.

And the overturn of Prop 8 is more painful than it seems like it ought to be, because it’s a reminder of a lot of things. The way the fellow cock obsessors have been trickling away and pretending they were never really invested in hating the gays what with the oh-so-important issue of whether women should be allowed to fuck, the 80 findings of fact in the original Prop 8 decision and the fact that they have no legal case, and of course the ticking time bomb before the first referendum passed legalization of gay marriage occurs and they officially run out of excuses.

As such, it’s left a few suckers still in the game a bit flustered and stuttering.
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Shorter Msgr. Ross Xavier Pius Douthat, S.J., O.P., O.F.M., S.S.J., Th.D+, The New York Fucking Times
Divide and Conquer

*Cf.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: John J. Miller and Herman Munster at family reunion

Shorter John J. Miller, America’s Shittiest Website™
Black or White

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Crackacon Rappers Chowder and Lush, Breitbart’s Island of Misfit Boys
MR. AMERICA!! (By Powdered Zombies)*

*If you can’t watch this video without piercing your eardrums with ice picks to make it stop, just skip to the 2:45″ mark to understand this shorter. Sadly, No! management reiterates that Sadly, No! posts are read and/or viewed at the reader’s own risk and that Sadly, No! is not liable for any trauma, self-inflicted injuries, triggering reactions, self-asphyxiation on reverse projectile vomiting or any other harm or damage of any kind, including, without limitation, pecuniary and physical injury.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

So bad, they are starting their “if we lose, it’s because black voodoo doctors stole the election” shtick at least 8 months early.

Gene Schwimmer, The American Genius:
Will We Have a ‘Fair’ Election in 2012?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Being both lazy and unoriginal because I need to be out the door in 2 minutes is invented by Cerberus. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*I must admit, I’m actually kind of amused that despite having an entire media in the tank for them, an entire police force in the tank to silence dissenting voices, a giant spread of voter suppression tactics, a free check to spend infinite anonymous money on elections, and of course, all the straight up theft shenanigans they’ve pulled in every election since at least 2000, the Republican candidates are so bad and turnout for them is so low that the Republicans are still worried it won’t be enough to get rid of the black man. That’s like sending the entire US military to take out 3 guys in a cave and ending up with only 4 survivors…and 3 of them are the cavemen.

The question is purely academic in interest, I assure you.

Ed Whelan, National Review Online:
Ninth Circuit Panel Affirms Anti-Prop 8 Ruling

So as you may have noticed from the hordes of QUILTBAG people fucking outside of your home (all of your homes and every home, multiple of your homes if you are John McCain), Prop 8 was just struck down as unconstitutional today…again, but this time at the 9th Circuit of Appeals level. The proponents of Prop 8’s long delay tactic principled stand for direct democracy truly tried its best to win the day for bigotry, but was sadly hamstrung by things like “not having a leg to stand on when asked to argue their case secularly” and “not having someone to argue their case who wasn’t also criminally insane”.

And despite barely winning the battle for being allowed to defend their own case, it turned out that ranting for hours about how the fags are evil and should be punished and that its unfair that anyone other than conservative straight men (who aren’t closet queens) judge any case ever just couldn’t trump the fucking law.

But it was a long investment for the professional Anti-Gay movement. Despite suspecting for awhile that lacking a single competent lawyer might come back to bite them in the ass, they’ve long prepared for the bitter concession speech, some more bitter than others. And that’s where our old friend Martin Edward Whelan III of the National Review comes in. As a conservative lawyer…or rather a hack who interned with Scalia a bit and know makes his living off wingnut welfare, this decision hits him very close to home. Not close enough to help the sinking ship of the Prop 8 defense legally of course, but let’s let him explain.
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