Sadly, No!

MOMMY, THEY’RE TRYING TO MAKE ME DO WORK! TELL THEM MOMMY! IT’S LIKE TWENTY UMPTEEN MILLION HITLERS AND SO THERE! STUPIDHEADS!

Jonah Goldberg, America’s Shittiest Website :
Me and Black America

It’s apparently National Review week here at Sadly, No. Today’s easy meat for the mincer is good ol’ Loadpants Goldberg himself.

You see, something terrible happened to him. Something unforgivably malevolent, something that brought home in uncertain terms who the real victims are in this world of ours.

That is, he was… lightly mocked… DUH DUH DUH.

And to our nation’s wingnuts, having your ignorant codswallop of ideas lightly deflected by good-natured people willing to find the bright-side in your ignorance is ten times worse than any actual oppression that whiny liberal whiners whine about.

But remember, it is liberals who make mountains out of molehills and are just looking for something to complain about. What? IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION? Never heard of it.

• Being lightly mocked for being an ignorant racist ass casually dismissing basic observable reality is proof that liberals are the real fascists… racists too.

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We will not stop until whining drunken parents have the right of life and death over teachers.

Mona Charen, National How Do These Fucks Earn Their Paychecks, Oh Right, Jonah Goldberg is Executive Editor:
Democrats and Teacher Tenure

When last we left Mona Charen she was losing a fight against her own spell-check software.

So obviously, she is more than qualified to weigh in on matters of education. Because obviously an education system that could produce a mind like hers has rather glaring flaws needing addressing.

And while you or I may suspect it has to do with massive underfunding of schools, over-emphasis on meaningless tests than actual education standards, and constant meddling by Evangelical leaders who fear education will turn their children away from Jesus might form some of the main problems, Mona Charen has her finger on the real problem.

That is, she’s frigging herself like a madwoman while she shits out the standard “teachers are evil” post that every wingnut is required to by law ever since Gov. Walker and the Koch-sucking Brigade declared war on teachers over in Wisconsin.

Allow her to explain:

• The only way we’ll get good teachers in our schools is to make the job so unpleasant, abusive, and underpaid that the only people who’d take the job are child molesters.

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And somehow this photoshop is less insulting than what he’s actually doing.

Deroy Murdock, Professional Cockbags Online*:
Minimum Wage: $100 Per Hour?

Wingnuts have discovered snark.

And much like a colony of lemurs discovering an insterstellar spacecraft, find themselves unable to do anything with it other than sniff it suspiciously and occasionally urinate upon it.

But one brave lemur has decided to climb into the cockpit and take a turn at the controls. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

• Because I can imagine large numbers and have no understanding of how analogies work, people have no need to eat or procure shelter. Also, minimum wages are fascism

No, lemur! You’re tunneling into the center of the Earth! No, not that button! That’s the Positronic Overload Button, if you use that now, the entire planet will be…

Sigh, and Earth used to be such a nice planet to visit.

Now, you can rest easy trusting the Shorter or you can join us in the jungles of below the fold starting…
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Birthermania, conservatives’ answer to Woodstock.

Monte Kuligowski, The Nice Folks at American Thinker:
Birthermania!

Man, lately it has seemed that all my job is has been bouncing between outlandish conspiracy theories that want to claim that everyone and their mother is all in on the plot to keep an impossibility from being acknowledged as fact.

I guess it’s because the 2012 election season is looking to be little more than choosing a GOP goat for Obama to sacrifice on the altar for Soros (may He be praised always). So the conservatives are starting early on the whole “it was the schemes within schemes that stole this election from us” so as to try and obfuscate how deeply unpopular rooting for a return to 13th century values has been.

So, it’s nice. It really is a fucking refreshing breeze to see that while our good friends at the American Thinker have added full-on Birther lunatics to the blogroll, they’ve also pulled in a few saner voices to say, “no, that’s finally a bridge too far for us”.

Sure, it’s probably only for self-preservation and admittedly, I haven’t read anything but the title. But why should I? That title is a proud declaration that the Birthers are maniacs who no longer are in the good graces of the conservative movement.

It’s really the little victories. Now let’s dive in to what is surely a refreshing little jaunt.
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If I can just get ten Obamas in a row, then the 2008 election never happened. (P.S. Thanks Tintin)

Jack Cashill, American Conspiracy Theory Breeding Ground:
What the Mailman Knows about Ayers and Obama

What the mailman…

Sorry, one sec.

What the mailman knows about Ayers and Obama…

…

Congratulations. Tha may very well be the crackiest title I’ve read yet for this site and I’ve read multiple articles about the Girl Scouts being sluts for Satan and a guy who feared an impending gynocracy because of a year-old report on a different subject.

You should be very proud of yourself Jack Cashill.

And then you should be restrained before you do harm to yourself or others.

• Hey, remember back in the 2008 election season where we tried to tie Obama to the scariest liberal guy we could think of and created an elaborate conspiracy theory that was so insane and filled with racist baggage that it elicited little more than sad pity and occasional laughter? Yeah… We spent the last 4 years making it crazier and more convoluted than you can possibly imagine.

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Shorter Jeannie DeAngelis, The American Genius:
The Trenton Toilet Paper Shortage

• The shortage of toilet paper in city offices in Trenton is proof that Obama’s health care reform law will fail.

I have always had a soft spot for Jeannie DeAngelis’s unequaled wackiness. I delight in the way her equal mixture of deluded paranoia and Obama butthurt can take the simplest things, like you know, Michelle Obama eating a tamale, and turn it into proof of some grand uppity Negro conspiracy to force Jeannie and all other White conservative women to receive their medical care from turbaned, bearded and curry-scented Hindoo faqirs whose only medical education consist of mail order degrees in chiropractics and hepatoscopy.

But this time, I think Jeannie has lost her touch. Yes, the absence of toilet paper in Trenton public buildings and the certain failure of a plan to provide insurance for everyone is an enormous non-sequitur, equal to any that has ever served as a basis for a Jeannie column. But still it seems lazy and desperate. It’s sort of like the flame of her own inner demons of black persecution and victimization has lost its heat and she is now just grasping for connections. The spot on Joe Biden’s tie is proof that he’s in charge of the FEMA concentration camps. The tornado in Tennessee is proof of Obama’s plans to establish Sharia law and give our country away to the Iranians.

Right now in Trenton, it’s just toilet paper. What happens when a federally appointed healthcare panel spends precious time discussing whether a “cash-strapped” country can still afford chemotherapy, or long-term dialysis? It’s inconvenient when you can’t get any toilet paper, but it can be fatal when you run out of health care.

Yes, indeed, it can be fatal, Jeannie, which is why, of course, we passed the Affordable Care Act in the first place, you vile moron.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Dan McLaughlin**

Shorter Dan McLaughlin, Red White State:
Trayvon Martin and Perspective

*Cf.
**More on Dan here.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Helen-Bot Cannot Process Input Legitimate Female Concern, Switching to Paranoid Delusion Default Mode Instead

Dr. Helen, PJ Media Lifestyles Section:
What is the Equivalent of Abortion for Men?

No, wait, hold up.

Oh we’ll get to the complete WTF of the title and the fact that this so-called advice column was penned by the malfunctioning robot dating the malfunctioning robot known as Glenn Reynolds in a second.

Pajamas Media has a Lifestyles section?

Pajamas Media has a Lifestyles section?!?

WHY?!?

The average Lifestyles section of a newspaper is a blinking red tombstone, a gaudy testament to the archaic views of the octogenarians running and reading it. The half-formed sexist thoughts of the not-yet-decayed as they try and imagine what dem dere girls would want to read what with the big bad words of the News sections being too hard for their little woman brains to deal with.

So why in Hell would you want to duplicate the format online and worse yet, why would you ever let the depraved wingnuts of the world have a venue to approximate what they think women want to read?!?

These are people trying to make rape a part of gyno exams and arguing that the rhythm method is the only contraceptive women should be allowed access to. Do we really want to hear them try and pull a Mel Gibson and give us a nightmare version of “What our Stereotypical Idea of Women Want”?

No, no one in the entire cosmos wants this and yet it exists.

Ugh, fine. What’s today’s post about?
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John Bennett at a barbeque with friends.

John Bennett, American Shanker:
A Black Male Teacher for Every Student!

I don’t even need to start. Heck, I don’t even need to write this post. You know what you are in for with just the title line. The headline is literally a dogwhistle being held by a KKK Grand Wizard as he tries to rant through the whistle about how much he hates black people.

So let’s just skip to the shorter and get on with it.

• Diversity! Pah, I will not rest until the negro children and wimminfolk are uneducable chattel and only the proud noble white man is allowed to be in a school as either teacher or student.

…

Oh goody, we’re in for a “treat”, aren’t we?
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Totally not just a picture stolen from Tintin so I can rush this out the door as a half-baked apology for the delays.

Totally because I’ve learned to appreciate the joy of shorters and totally not because I need something to put up as I work on the long posts you have gone too long without here this week, I have a shorter for you all:

• Now you may think that the insane teabaggery might be related to our ugly looking 2012 poll numbers, but really that is nothing to worry about because I personally know a couple of teabaggers who will totally win in Maryland talking about the evils of anyone who isn’t white. Ah yeah, it’s all coming up Republican now!

If any are brave enough to jump off the boat. Please do enjoy my favorite mangos including when he told his readers to go mass troll ACORN’s old head for noting that Breitbart tanked his organization’s old standing on false bullshit, as well as trying to argue that the DREAM ACT and trying to form a compromise with the Catholic Theocracy Club were proof that Obama is just trying to manipulate the Illuminati to make the Republicans look bad and that therefore it’s an act of desperation that makes Obama look bad.

No, seriously.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. This post is totally worth the 5 day wait. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™