Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Conservatives imagine a new dialogue on race

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Q: How stupid is this presidential campaign going to get?

A: This stupid:

Obama and the Drive for Slavery Reparations
AIM Report
April 21, 2008

Barack Obama is the most radical candidate ever to stand at the precipice of acquiring his party’s presidential nomination and the American presidency. It is apparent that he is a member of an international socialist movement which hopes to use the United Nations as a vehicle to shake down U.S. taxpayers for trillions of dollars in slavery reparations. One group, the African World Reparations and Repatriation Truth Commission, is demanding an astronomical $777 trillion.

This is beautiful, man. I mean, really beautiful.

The minute that Obama gets elected president, he’s apparently going to implement his own extreme brand of Obammunism, whereby he aggressively takes Whitey’s bread and redistributes it to the brothers. And what’s more, he’s going to demand… (dramatic music)… $777 TRILLION. That’s like $111 trillion more than $666 trillion. Does this make Obama trillions of dollars worse than Satan? I believe the data speaks for itself, my friends.

Continuing:

In that same year, Martha Biondi, Associate Professor of African American Studies and History at Northwestern University, notes that the United Nations World Conference Against Racism was held. It was the result of “a decade of advocacy and organizing at the U.N. Human Rights Commission” and work by the so-called December 12th Movement. The conference issued a “Declaration and Program of Action,” which held that “slavery and the slave trade” constituted a “crime against humanity” and that “Africans and people of African descent, Asians and people of Asian descent and indigenous peoples were victims of these acts and continue to be victims of their consequences.”

“The United Nations has emerged as an extraordinary stage for the reparations movement,” she says.

As President, Obama could take that stage.

And, you know, look. Let’s say you’re completely right about Obama. Let’s say that he makes the sending of Honky McCrackerlips and all his pals to Reparations Camp the central goal of his presidency. How, exactly, is he going to make it happen? The United Nations? Are you effing kidding me? This is the same allegedly omnipotent international organization whose sinister black helicopters haven’t even been able to kidnap Ron Paul and make him Kofi Annan’s love slave. In fact, they couldn’t even shoot down his super-awesome blimp:

NYYYAAAAAH, you’ll never catch me, UN Dogs!! NYAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Also: White people hate giving up their money. It’s tough enough getting them to pay taxes just to fix the goddamn roads. Obama is a pretty smart guy. Even if he wanted deep in his heart of hearts to make America pay reparations for slavery, he’s bright enough to know that it’s never, ever going to happen.

Now for the really good stuff:
Read the rest of this entry »

The McCain dilemma: A split personality on his wars: Standing up to terrorists, but not Democrat intimidation

Above: Wink, wink!

Happily, John McCain is man enough to call the Global Islamic Terror-Death Conspiracy by its proper name of ‘people who happen to be of the Islamic religion.’ Yet when other enemies of America attack [rolls eyes expressively] whoever dey be [folds lips inside-out] [drops to one knee, jiggles imaginary top hat] whoo-ee, McCain shoah do lose his starch [acts totally normal, as if nothing had ever happened] — although on the other hand, perhaps Senator McCain is learning.

Shorter concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Because They Wouldn’t Let Me In Their Club

“The best way to ward off blood-sucking liberals is a
traditional garland of garlic worn about the neck.”

• The same people who made fun of me when I was a little girl grew up to be Obama-worshipping liberals. They still make fun of me. It’s because they are bigoted against Slovenians.

‘Postati Krajši’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Three shorters of the sexiest wingnut of all time, Marie Jon’:

Above: Marie & teh apostrophe; plus me makes three!

‘Only love can drive out hate: just words?’

• In Barack Obama, Democrats thought they had a post-racial, messianic candidate; but what they got is a communistic, satanic racist who is black y’all, he’s black y’all, he’s blackety-blackety black y’all.

‘In the name of rationality and reason’

• As the example of Voltaire’s responsibility for the Jacobins demonstrates, rationality and reason inexorably lead to terror and genocide.

‘A glimpse of heaven’

• Heaven isn’t too far away/Closer to it everyday/(Ah – Ah)/No matter what Muslims might say/We’ll find our way

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

Must be a slow day over in Malkinland, since she’s gone back to her tired “I’m-going-to-show-scary-people-with-signs” routine. This pic, though, deserves special recognition for its all-out awesomeness:

Can you think of any combination of words that is more likely to elicit fear and loathing from the bed wetter brigade? Maybe if you wrote, “My angry immigrant vagina will put a permanent burqa over your puny little honky schlong.” But other than that, I can’t think of anything.

Anyone know how Ace is taking this development yet?

The fact is hamburgers are much more dangerous than
untreated syphilis

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If anyone could imagine that the Tuskegee syphilis study has been given a bad rap, who better than noted history scholar Jonah Goldberg? And what better place for such a fond reminiscence of the bright side of the Tuskegee study than National Review, which once speculated that the 1963 Birmingham church bombing was possibly the work of a “crazed Negro”?

The infamous Tuskegee experiment is the Medusa’s head of black left-wing paranoia. … [Jeremiah] Wright says the U.S. government “purposely infected African-American men with syphilis.” … In March, CNN commentator Roland Martin defended Wright, saying, “That actually did, indeed, happen.” …

And what the U.S. did at Tuskegee was indeed bad, very bad. But it didn’t do what these people say it did.

You should put on your hip boots before proceeding further because you are about to wade into an ocean of bullshit of truly Jonah-esque proportions.

So what did happen? In 1932, public health researchers set out to study syphilis, particularly among African Americans, who had higher infection rates than whites. They recruited 399 black men who already had syphilis. The doctors infected no one. In fact, the patients were selected in the first place because they were tertiary-stage syphilitics who were no longer contagious.

If you ever suspected that, rather than engaging in actual research, the Pantload prefers to make up stuff that supports his views, that last paragraph is all the proof you would ever need. According to the Ad Hoc Advisory Committee convened by the U.S. Government to report on the Tuskegee study in 1972, at the time the study was started it was believed that “transmission of the disease in latent and late syphilis was … possible.” So, there’s nothing to support Jonah’s claim that the patients were selected on the basis that they were not contagious.

Worse yet, the Ad Hoc Committee found evidence that uninfected control group members who developed syphilis were transmitted without treatment to the study group, which meant that individuals with transmittable syphilis were denied treatment and could have infected others. By the time the study was ended in 1972, 40 of the subjects’ wives had been infected, and 19 of their children had been born with congenital syphilis.

Back to Jonah’s alternate universe:

Prior to the availability of penicillin in the 1940s and 1950s, the researchers couldn’t have treated the men even if they wanted to.

Wrong again. The Ad Hoc Committee noted that a 1932 study demonstrated the efficacy of then-available treatments for latent syphilis. Specifically a satisfactory clinical outcome was reported “in 85% of patients with latent syphilis that were treated in contrast to 35% if no treatment is given.”

Even after standardized penicillin treatments were available, it wasn’t clear that the patients could have been helped. Some of the doctors believed that treating the decades-long infections would kill the men.

Wrong yet again. The Ad Hoc Committee notes that the clinical benefits of penicillin for latent and late-stage syphilis had been “clinically documented by the early 1950s.” If there were a three-strikes law for pundits, Jonah would be in the Big House right now, pacing around the yard because it hurt too much to sit down.

Above: Cheerfully contemplates Hofstadter turning over in his grave

‘The Return of the Paranoid Style’

• 9/11 should have promised a return of wholesome movies reflecting a properly credulous culture, but alas the great moment was ruined by those America-hating conspiracy theorists of Hollyweird.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

[In honor of Rick Perlstein’s Nixonland, I’m gonna try to post several Nixon-related things in the next few days. This is the first.]

One knows about Richard Nixon’s dislike of Jews and blacks, but what about homosexuals? Well, yeah. Of course Dick went for the trifecta. It’s not just that he thought gays were awful and icky, but that, like many a wingnut, he’d worked out a whole theory about how homosexuality is a unique danger because it saps the morale of society. Now this is considerably worse than garden-variety bigotry; it’s a belief that certain people, just by dint of their identity, should be enemies of the state.

You know what happened to the Greeks. Homosexuality destroyed them. Sure, Aristotle was a homo, we all know that, so was Socrates.”

Ehrlichman interrupts to reassure his boss. Socrates, he says, “never had the influence that television had.”

Precisely, precisely. Nixon is on a roll, lecturing like a history professor:

“Do you know what happened to the Romans? The last six Roman emperors were fags. . . . You know what happened to the popes? It’s all right that popes were laying the nuns.”

Someone laughs nervously. Nixon bulls on, not a hint of humor in his voice.

“That’s been going on for years, centuries, but when the popes, when the Catholic Church went to hell in, I don’t know, three or four centuries ago, it was homosexual. . . . Now, that’s what happened to Britain, it happened earlier to France. And let’s look at the strong societies. The Russians. Goddamn it, they root them out, they don’t let ’em hang around at all. You know what I mean? I don’t know what they do with them.”

“Dope? Do you think the Russians allow dope? Hell no. Not if they can catch it, they send them up. You see, homosexuality, dope, uh, immorality in general: These are the enemies of strong societies. That’s why the Communists and the left-wingers are pushing it. They’re trying to destroy us.”

Wow. First, there’s the old lie about how homosexuality destroyed the classical civilizations, a pretty common belief even now. But everything after that elevates his rant to Podhoretzian levels. The insistence that homosexuality is a vector by which treason and appeasement is transmitted into society. Then the probably inevitable (because of Nixon’s paranoia) conspiracy theory that everyone Nixon hates is working together to facilitate this transmission, for the purposes of destroying America. Then, the coup-de-grace of batshittery: the obvious envy Nixon has of authoritarian governments which are free to liquidate their “immoral” minorities (shades of James Burnham and the early National Review, there). He really was crazy.

God bless our never-ending national nightmare:

On May 1, 2003, Richard Perle advised, in a USA Today Op-Ed, “Relax, Celebrate Victory.” The same day, exactly five years ago, President Bush, dressed in a flight suit, landed on the deck of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and declared an end to major military operations in Iraq — with the now-infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner arrayed behind him in the war’s greatest photo op.

Chris Matthews on MSNBC called Bush a “hero” and boomed, “He won the war. He was an effective commander. Everybody recognizes that, I believe, except a few critics.” PBS’ Gwen Ifill said Bush was “part Tom Cruise, part Ronald Reagan.” On NBC, Brian Williams gushed, “The pictures were beautiful. It was quite something to see the first-ever American president on a — on a carrier landing. This must be very meaningful to the United States military.”

When Bush’s jet landed on an aircraft carrier, American casualties stood at 139 killed and 542 wounded.

The following looks at how one newspaper — it happens to be The New York Times — covered the Bush declaration and its immediate aftermath. One snippet: “The Bush administration is planning to withdraw most United States combat forces from Iraq over the next several months and wants to shrink the American military presence to less than two divisions by the fall, senior allied officials said today.”

This was a more innocent time, of course, when the administration thought it could simply hand the country over to Ahmed Chalabi and move on to Syria.

Say, didn’t we get into this war to find weapons of mass destruction or something?

UPDATE: Here are some more folks that are relaxing and enjoying victory:

Two suicide bombers killed 30 people and wounded 65 others when they detonated explosive vests in a busy market in a town northeast of Baghdad on Thursday, Iraqi police said.

Police said the second bomber struck as crowds rushed to evacuate the wounded from the first attack, a common tactic used by bombers to maximize casualties.

Weren’t we supposed to get mushroom-clouded if we left Saddam in power?

Above: “Don’t open the door, Mom!”

‘Hannah Montana Does Playboy’

• Trust me, even though you can’t see the crusty sock and half-empty bottle of hand lotion, I’ve totally spent myself writing this column which condemns a bunch of former Disney child stars who’ve turned into slutty teenage slutty-sluts.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.