Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Bryan Fischer

Shorter Bryan Fischer, Ruhnoo Murika:
An Evangelical Review of Immigration Reform

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Who Would Jesus Deport?

Photo has long cried for Photoshopped rabbit ears

Andy McCarthy, NRO’s The Corner:
Ms. Sherrod’s Speech Was Most Certainly Not About Transcending Racism

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

* (Isn’t it Rich?
  Ain’t he a pear?)

These names. First it was Wang Celebrity or, you know, the guy down there in the last post, Peen Eminence. Now ‘Guy Benson’ is like the Boy George version of George Benson?

Guy Benson, Andrew Breitbart Presents Big Journalism:
Breitbart Didn’t Hide Sherrod’s Redemption and Other Things the Media’s Gotten Wrong So Far

As the mainstream media trips over itself to analyze and re-analyze the Shirley Sherrod controversy, Andrew Breitbart is under fire for ostensibly unethical behavior. Andrew is more than capable of defending himself, but I wanted to offer a few quick thoughts on this imbroglio:

This donnybrook, this brouha and indeed brouha-ha, these shenanigans, this borchgrave. But here comes the question of the day! Guy Benson, provide that question please.

[D]oes anyone really believe that Andrew Breitbart would intentionally distort a video clip to make a one-day splash?

Uh, no. I mean yes.

There was a bottly ‘tink’ noise a second ago, and I looked down and saw the bottle spinning there on the floor, and I realized that my brain had pounded a pint of Wolfschmidt and hurled the empty out my nose.

Risk his growing reputation with a deliberate, easily refutable distortion?

Oh great, it just hurled out a diary full of emo poetry and an empty bottle of barbiturates. Brain, don’t do it!

Oh, curse you, Andrew Breitbart. Curse you, and curse all of your Oompa-Loompas, too!

Above: Andrew Breitbart, peter B-list

ABOVE: “Moanin’ Mona” Charen

Shorter Mona Charen, America’s Shittiest Website™
The NAACP’s Descent

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Advice Goddess Amy Alkon:

On another boneheaded note, my hotel removed all refrigerators and minibars from the rooms. I had to pay $10 to have a small refrigerator brought up so I could keep four days of salami (which I always carry with me, in case somebody’s serving pasta or something I don’t eat).

Does ‘salami’ have a hidden meaning? Who knows. Some of La Alkon’s commenters suggest she tell the hotel staff she needs to refrigerate prescription medication, to which she replies:

And regarding saying I need the fridge for medication, I committed to being an ethical person a while back, so I don’t get to do that sort of thing.

Oh, I don’t know. There must be a shrink out there who will verify with a note that bringing your own meats to a dinner party in case your host’s food repulses you is some sort of condition.

Above: Dining with foreign dignitaries à la Alkon.

Meanwhile, commenter ManR reveals that in his world, the beds magically grow 12 inches when you lay on them the wrong way!

I love hotels esp. when the humongous bed is 12 inches shorter at the head than the feet and no one can deal with it. Rested the other way, which made watching tv rather interesting.

He ought to have checked the guest register. The problem might have been all the rotting salami Alkon stuffed into the headboard the night before.

So Bradrocket, Edroso, Amanda Marcotte, Sady Doyle, Jesse Taylor and myself will be hosting a panel on bleggity-floo at Netroots Nation 2010. We are in a battle to the death with these guys, so we need all your support. Below, Pinko Punko and Run drop knowledge on what it’s all about:

Kids today just don’t fear the fiery pits of Gehenna, warns ‘politically incorrect’ researcher-writer Bonnie Alba in an important Renew America don’t-think piece:

Fury of HELL denied

“I greatly fear that the denial of the eternity of future punishment is one wave of an incoming sea of infidelity.” Charles H. Spurgeon

If you read beyond the above quote, prepare to be challenged. Either that, or you will continue in your denial. In post-modern churches, you’re not likely to hear much about the eternal Hell that awaits all of us. Right up front, God does not want you to go to the Hell he has prepared for those who reject Him. (2 Peter 3:9)

God is like a psychotic health nut who runs a Taco Bell franchise — He wouldn’t eat a Gordita Supreme if you held a gun to His head, but He’ll shove it down YOUR throat if you ever so much as think He’s kind of a dick. And that goes double for anybody who’s at risk for diabetes.

Above: Charles H. Spurgeon tells his flock to go straight to Hell.

Up until the mid-19th century, warnings of Hell and God’s final judgment were very much part of the Gospel message preached from church pulpits. Then the age of enlightenment, so-called rational reasoning, entered into the minds of men.

Damn you, rational reasoning! If you hadn’t crept into our minds, surely we’d have invented a longer-lasting candle by now!

The post-modern humanistic, universalistic view of God as the God of Love ‘who saves everyone in the end’ has numbed the consciences of believers and unbelievers alike to the God of Creation and All his attributes.

The effect on unbelievers was the real rub — nothing could be more insidious than getting people who already didn’t believe in supernatural scaremongering to not believe in it all over again.

What most people know is that Jesus was ‘Love incarnate’ — kind and compassionate, who did miraculous things like loving, reaching out, healing, feeding thousands, teaching about God.

In reality, Jesus orchestrated drone attacks on Philistine villages, lobbied for offshore drilling and shot Peter in the face on a bow hunt.

Why would people need to attend church if God is going to save them anyway. If, there is no Hell. If, God is Love and nothing else. Why would people see a need to attend church if they don’t believe they’re not going to face any punishment for their sins and unbelief.

Also, why would people see a need to use proper punctuation to indicate an interrogative. If, there is no Spellcheck.

Jesus issued a strong warning to Jewish religious leaders, “You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape the damnation of Hell?” (Matthew 23:33)

Mel Gibson, call your office! Bonnie Alba’s got THE picture to revive your derailed career: ‘Snakes On A Plane 2: Heretical Hebrew-loo’.

There are many reasons given for decreases in church attendance. But I think this might be the one main reason: Christian ministers have forsaken the total Gospel as Jesus preached — Heaven and Hell. It is why the diluted message makes no impact on the hearts of human beings who are centered in themselves and their hearts hardened to stone. The conscience of a people are untouched by guilt and fear of God.

Truthfully, more preachers should jump out of bushes and yell ‘Boo!’ at random passers-by. That ought to scare them back into the pews.

Today’s God is more like a Genie in a lamp who grants the desires of our self-serving lives.

Which is why He was recently spotted wearing a bikini top and inexplicably shacking up with a young Larry Hagman. ‘Who Shot J.C.?’ etc.

Nothing funny about my joke: In a local coffee klatch, a guy asks ‘Who believes in Hell anymore?’ and one guy answers, ‘Those who are there.’

Nope, nothing funny at all.

Horn If You’re Honky

Mark Williams, MarkTalk.com:
NAACP Resolution: [National Association for the Advancement of] Colored People change minds about emancipation

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Notes:

1) He might’ve teeped Artie, but he isn’t going to teep many more people at the current rate of ascent.

2) Say, here’s a golden oldie.

ABOVE: Miss Kim Priestap

Shorter Kim Priestap, CheezWhizBlog
What is it about the word cracker?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™