Sadly, No!

ABOVE: NRO’s Dan Foster (in the only uniform he would have worn had
he ever worn one, excluding, of course, ones he wore for “Trick or Treat”

People who read America’s Shittiest Website™ are, as it turns out, quite fond of a traitor and terrorist who murdered U.S. soldiers. Indeed some of them think that he’s America’s Best General. In a Memorial Day poll, a boatload of readers at America’s Shittiest Website™ voted for Confederate Robert E. Lee as America’s Best General

Given that an NRO editorial written by William B. Fuckley in 1957 cited the “cultural superiority of white over Negro” in explaining why whites were “entitled to take such measures as are necessary to prevail, politically and culturally, in areas where [they do] not predominate numerically,” the Confederate and racist yearnings of NRO readers should not, I suppose, come as an earth-shattering surprise.

The person responsible for putting together the poll, and including Lee as one of the choices, was armchair soldier and burning-hunk-of-man-flesh Dan Foster. He defended General Sherman’s exclusion and Lee’s inclusion because he didn’t want too many Civil War generals in the poll, an argument that would cut in the opposite direction unless you are a National Reviewer who gets all teary-eyed about the days when blacks worked for white people for free rather than scaring white people to death by walking around  dressed in hoodies. I mean, why otherwise would Lee be on the list? He lost, he committed treason against the United States, and he fought for a shitty cause.

Personally my vote would have been for Sherman, had he been on the list, if for nothing else, for burning Atlanta to the ground.

ABOVE: Lloyd Marcus (front and back)

Shorter Lloyd Marcus, The American Genius
Can One Be Truly Black and Patriotic?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Trevor Thomas

Shorter Trevor Thomas, The American Genius
How and When To Discriminate?

• Because commercial pilots have to retire at age 60, there is no reason why gay marriage shouldn’t be banned.

No, really, trust the shorter. The current heartbreaking work of staggering genius at The American Stinker, actually uses the mandatory pilot retirement age in his arsenal of arguments against gay marriage. His point, such as it is, is that the law discriminates among classes of people (like, you know, people who murder people and those who don’t) which, in his view, means discrimination is a good thing. In other words, if you have to wait until you are 16 to drive a car or if only people driving over the speed limit get speed tickets, then it’s perfectly A-OK to put the blacks in the back of the bus and require them to eat in their own damn restaurants and stop scaring white people at Cracker Barrel.

But, as if that weren’t enough, Trevor takes it to the next level by uncovering the secret homosexual agenda behind gay marriage which isn’t just fag marriage but is – gasp! – buttsex for everyone.

However, I suspect that the real efforts of liberals (whether some realize it or not) in the marriage debate is not simply “marriage equality.” Many in this debate have been deceived, for, you see, ultimately, this battle is not, nor has it ever been, about marriage or discrimination. … In other words, the pro-same-sex marriage movement is an attempt to morally legitimize homosexual behavior. … This is about sex.

Once they get married, what’s to stop ’em from fucking? Worse, once they can get married, Trevor will be unable to resist his urge to frequent seedy bathhouses and engage in dirty pig sex with large bearded men covered in tattoos.

Trevor has his own blog which probably could use a few commenters if you have nothing better to do on Memorial Day and you know that you do not.

ABOVE: Tom Sowell. He even poops
like a white guy.

Shorter Thomas “Actually I’m Whiter Than Pat Boone” Sowell, America’s Shittiest Website™
A Racial Revolution?

• Unless we do something about all the black babies being born today, we will become a bankrupt welfare state, unable to afford to pay even for our own national defense and therefore doomed to being overrun by foreign invaders.

I was going to say, with regard to Tom Sowell, that inside every black wingnut there was a white man struggling to get out. But I don’t think that’s true for Tom. Actually, I am beginning to believe that he actually believes that he is white. Otherwise how could be possibly react to figures showing that non-white births now exceed white births by conjuring up the Negro apocalypse and the end of white society as we know it? What kind of person bemoans the birth of more persons like himself?

Of course, Sowell’s argument is based on a central tenet of the white wingnut worldview that most entitlement benefits go to the ni**ers and b**ners. Sadly, No!

Also, contrary to what a substantial share of Americans may assume, non-Hispanic whites receive slightly more than their proportionate share of entitlement benefits. Non-Hispanic whites accounted for 64 percent of the population in 2010 and received 69 percent of the entitlement benefits.

As is par for the course at America’s Shittiest Website™, the comments are even more appalling than the column itself.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Mark J. Fitzgibbons

Shorter Mark J. Fitzgibbons, The American Birther
Obama the Inchoate Kenyan

• Either Obama was born in Kenya or he’s a liar

God himself could descend from the heavens in a burning, fiery chariot, land in Times Square in a flourish of lightning and thunderbolts, appear on live TV and say that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, that he witnessed it himself, and that he was as certain of that fact as he was that the Cubs will never win the World Series and yet there would still be millions of Republicans who would take issue with even this testimony, who would claim that this wasn’t really God because he didn’t look like Charlton Heston, or that it might be God but that God was perpetrating liberal lies because he had been bought and paid for by the Democrats and the Lamestream Media. Breitbart.com would analyze the tapes and conclude that God was really Al Sharpton in a beard and a fat suit and that the lightning had all the earmarks of cheap, computer-generated effects.

So, now, of course, birth certificate be damned, the Birtherites are all a-twitter because of a statement published by a literary agency in a 1991 bio of Obama stating that Obama was born in Kenya. (Query: if I take my web bio with me to vote to prove that I’m an American, will that be sufficient?) The person who wrote the bio has said that it was her mistake, that there was no basis for her statement that Barack was born in Kenya. Hah, of course, she would say that now, the birthers clamor. At least if she doesn’t want to be killed by the White House. Like Andrew Breitbart was.

Never ones to let a wonderful opportunity for proslepsis go by the wayside, the mental titans over at The American Thinker have dreamed up a way to spread the story while claiming that they don’t really believe Obama was born in Kenya. (Wink, wink.) Actually, it’s better even than that because it’s a perfect melding of proslepsis and the wingnut all-time favorite, Heads We Win, Tails Obama Loses. So we have Mark Fitzgibbons, allegedly a lawyer of some sort, waving the Obama bio about like a host-filled monstrance in a Corpus Christi procession, not as proof of Obama’s birth place but as proof that Obama conspired with his literary agent to claim he was Kenyan in order to sell his book. Because, of course, nothing pushes a book up into the best seller list like having an African author. Why, there are at least several thousand best-sellers by Kenyans in the past twenty years alone. You probably didn’t know it but both Harry Potter and The Hunger Games were written by Kenyans. True fact.

And what should be the punishment for this vile manipulation of the invisible hand of the free market? Nothing would be too harsh for this dastardly violation of the principle of the free market which “goes back to the Old Testament.” (Yes, Fitzgibbons actually mentions that missing commandment: “Thou Shalt Have A Free Market and Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Socialist Safety Net.”). Death?  Impeachment?  Better yet, death by impeachment? Maybe some waterboarding and the rack thrown in for good measure?

It makes you wonder where all the torches and pitchforks were when George Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction to plunge this country into war with Iraq. That doesn’t count because, shut up, that’s why.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Helen Bot Not Know What Privilege Is, But Know it Make Master Sad. Helen Bot Must Make Master Happy… Helen Bot Knows What Makes Master Happy… Helen Bot Destroy Person Who Mentions Privilege… Only Way to Prevent… Helen Bot Not Want to Dwell.

Dr. Helen, PJ Tatler:
Uncle Tim: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is*

Let me get one thing straight before I begin. PJ Media is not the bottom of the barrel for one’s wingnut career.

PJ Media wishes it was the bottom of the barrel. It stands outside in the cold winsomely peering through a frosted over window wishing it could be the floor that the barrel stomps on with its shined up jackboots. The barrel refuses to be in the same county as PJ Media.

And no wonder with sections like the “PJ Tatler”. I was boggling a scant two months ago that PJ Media carried a fucking Lifestyles section. And now, we have a section named after a misspelled version of something elementary school bullies call their victims. I’m expecting the next section rolled out will just be PJ Goatse and instead of a tab it’ll just be fucking goatse!

Sigh, so yeah, now their tab is filled with “Columnists” bunched up in the corner like the sad pack of bottom-rung losers they are, the shudder PJ Tatler, the PJ Lifestyles bullshit, Ol’ Perfesser languishing in the minors like he belongs, the hilariously bad local TV station level PJTV, and the PJ Institute. Which is just darling, because really, nothing says dignity and totally not being an obvious wingnut welfare mill that doesn’t even understand how the think tank scam works than sticking it after 3 jokes and a punchline.
Read the rest of this entry »

“Our Tannen at the sockhop, hallowed be thy name. Your punchings come, your trees to get out of here, in the Wild West as it is in the future. Give us this day our daily butthead, and give us our Hello McFlys, as we also have taken his wallet. And call us not the chicken, but deliver us the future betting book. Amen.”

Jim Geraghty, National Cuckoo:
Gird Yourself for the Tsunami of ‘Bullying and the 2012 Race’ Columns

Well it’s nice of wingnuts to warn us in the title what we can expect from them for the next 6 months.
Read the rest of this entry »

And suddenly, it struck her, she not only possessed the dreaded Vagina, slayer of many a conservative, but she was also less than 100% white. The revelation was too great for her fragile mind to take and what remained of her sanity fled into the Mountains, never to be seen again.

Michelle Malkin, Inhuman Events:
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be ‘Julia’

If we had to choose just one thing that defined right-wingers, it would have to be dumbassery, projection, secret goat fetishes inability to handle complexity. Or to be more specific, inability to handle the existence of options.

If someone tries to expand options or worse yet, acknowledge the infinite spectrum of human experience and try to cater to it, it becomes something wingnuts physically can’t handle or process in any way.

For in their mind, there is one unt only one way everyone is supposed to be. If that one way doesn’t fit your existence, you live the rest of your life in misery and pain and like it!

So if there’s any other option, any other door open, it can’t just be something that they continue waltz past obliviously. It instead becomes a threat. This new possibility is a wholesale elimination of the old possibility. Sowing the fields of the one option with salt so none may go wingnuttily into that good night.
Read the rest of this entry »

I really was going to give America’s Dumbest Homosexual™ a rest for a bit, until I saw his latest efflorescence of internalized homophoia in which he takes a look at the bright side of the vote in North Carolina. Dan does this in a post titled — and you can’t make this shit up — “Where Real Marriages Find Their Support.” At this point, when Blatt is referring to North Carolina as “where real marriages find their support,” you have to ask yourself whether he is really some kind of performance artist on the payroll of the American Family Association.

To make his point he cites a “beautiful commentary” on Facecrook from a college classmate

Regarding North Carolina, my second thought is… I have been with Eric for nearly seventeen years. Whatever we have we got from ourselves, our families, and our friends. Whatever we still need we will get from those same sources. At this point, I honestly cannot imagine feeling any more married than I already feel.

It now seems perfectly clear that if some Republican pistol-whipped Dan while calling him a depraved cock-sucking fairy, Dan would pick himself up, prance off as fast as he could to the nearest computer, and write a post explaining how being pistol whipped while being called a depraved cock-sucking fairy was actually a character building experience.

Shorter Emperor Bill Kristaltine, The Weekly Slander
The Cultural Divide on Marriage

• In general people who want to take away the rights of a minority are nicer people than the minority whose rights are being taken away.

The best part of Kristol’s putrid regurgitation masquerading as thought is the evidence he proffers for his startling conclusion that bigots are nicer people than their victims. (Ja, that Reinhard Heydrich was a real mensch, completely unlike those mean and nasty Jews that he had to, er, deal with in Prague.) The evidence? It was of the “I can’t resist adding the thought” variety, i.e., of the “I pulled it out of my ass and am waving it around like a black truffle” variety.

Oh, and guess who cited Kristol’s post and added a school-girl mash note to Kristol to it? Hint: if he were a turkey, his favorite holiday would be Thanksgiving.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™