Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Dan Blatt and the only living thing with which he
might be able to have sex.

---

Dan Blatt, that foul excrescence on the gay body politic, otherwise known as The Gay Quisling or America’s Dumbest Homosexual™, was perhaps in a bit of a quandary when Obama came out in favor of gay marriage. After all, Blatt had been humping the argument that Obama betrayed his gay Democratic supporters by not supporting gay marriage harder than a meth-addled hillbilly on a blow-up doll. Here he is is saying Obama is taking gay marriage advocates for fools. And here is the Repub-licker Dan criticizing Obama for not supporting gay marriage and “playing political football with gay Americans.”

So, what’s our highly-principled Dan doing now that Obama has said he supports gay marriage? Oh, don’t be silly, you know exactly what he’s doing: he’s criticizing Obama for being in favor of gay marriage. Now, the Blatt Flacker says, he’s “trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to his gay supporters.” He’s just doing it “to quiet a political firestorm” among gay supporters. Wait, wasn’t it just seconds ago, that Dan was popping the pins holding up his Depends over how Obama wasn’t paying attention to his gay supporters? And now Obama is the worst President ever because he’s paying attention to his gay supporters?

This all just goes to show that Dan is so deranged about Obama that Obama could personally invite Dan to the White House for an orgy with Dan’s beloved Ken Mehlman in the Lincoln Bedroom and Dan would write a post criticizing him for it. We’ve known that Dan would criticize anything Obama did back when he took Obama to task for a federal regulation that would let gay people visit their partners in hospitals. I said then, and I say it again because it always gets Dan’s Beavis and Butthead commenters like V the K and North Dallas Forty worked up into a prissy hissy fit, the following:

Permit me to stop joking around for a moment and to say something directly for a change. Dan Blatt is a loathsome piece of shit who will sell out other gay people in order to curry the favor of straight Republicans who pat him on the head every now but then call him a cock-sucking heels-in-the-air fudge-packed girlie-boy behind his back (even though only the girlie-boy part is actually true). Dan says all this stuff because the probability that any gay man would ever give enough of a shit about Dan to visit him in a hospital, much less to have a relationship with him, is remote — as remote as the possibility that Dan will ever have sex with anyone other than a blind leper in a darkened truck stop in rural Alabama, and even then the leper will have to down a fifth of Jack Daniel’s before he can bring himself to do it. Fuck you, Dan, you wretched, illiterate prick.

On re-reading this, I actually think I was being too kind.

ABOVE: Mara Zebest

Shorter Mara Zebest, The American Übermenschen:
Strange Anomalies in the Famous Situation Room Photo

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Joseph “All-White” Curl

Shorter Joseph Curl, The Moonie Times
Hip-hop legend MCA passes on; Obama says not a word

• The failure of our rap-loving mulatto President to say anything in public about the death of a white rapper is all the proof I need of his undeniable prejudice against all white people.

File the latest bout of logorrhea masquerading as political commentary from Moonie Times columnist Joseph Curl in the “Heads I Win, Tails Obama Loses” folder, which already is chock full of other examples, most of which run along these lines: if Obama eats the fried chicken, he’s lazy and shiftless; if he passes it up, he’s arrogant and uppity.

There is one amusing aspect to wingnuts playing HIW,TOL — namely that it often requires them to tread into cultural territory with which they are manifestly unfamiliar, e.g., to become an instant expert on Negro basketballers in March Madness or a connoisseur of jerk sauces or some such. So here we have the spectacle of a guy who manifestly spends his time watching the Time-Life DVDs of old Lawrence Welk shows professing some enthusiasm for hip-hop. Right. Next you’ll see me writing on some arcane aspects of sexual prestidigitation by geisha girls in Japanes bordellos or the finer literary points of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Okay, so let’s roll the train wreck:

This column is about politics. Today, it’s not. Still, there’s Watergate, Paul Revere, Edward R. Murrow, fighting for your right, so, kinda still.

Huh? Did the editors at the Moonie Times take off for a day of hot tubs, cocaine and hookers in Reno and leave the IT department staff behind to edit the newspaper’s columnists? Oh wait, that would assume that this is worse than usual for the Moonie Times. My bad.

Adam Nathaniel Yauch died Friday. If you’re age 16-66 — maybe 106 — you know him as MCA, one-third of the Beastie Boys. He was 47. Way too young. But gone.

OK, so what was your first clue that everything Curl knows about Yauch came from Wikipedia? Using Yauch’s middle name, maybe? Thinking that 16-year-olds think the Beastie Boys are cool?

Now, half-white Barack Obama (exactly my age) didn’t say a word, even though he was talking to college kids that day, but make no mistake, MCA was no Jay-Z or Kanye West.

Okay, I’m still trying to unpack where half-white came from or why Curl, while putting down his dog-whistle for a moment, didn’t just go all the way and call Obama that “ni**er.” But then he picks the dog whistle right back up and starts blowing it like crazy with the reference to Jay-Z and Kanye: presumably underlining the difference between bling-encrusted, tooth-jeweled, gang-gesturing, white-girl-dissing bad (Negro) rappers and good (White) rappers.

But nothing from the first half-white, half-black president (MSM has made him black — he’s not; he’s half-and-half. No, Trayvon Martin wouldn’t have looked like his son.)

This creepy discourse on racial purity and blood lines is meant, I suppose, to underline that Obama is not just a racist but a race traitor too — at least to his white race — which makes him even worse than normal blacks who are racist against, and oppress horribly, a race to which they do not belong.

The president took time from his busy schedule to comment on the passing of black musicians. When Whitney Houston, a longtime crack addict, died this year, the White House put out a statement.

Oh, the butthurt, the butthurt! Think of all the white, drug-free kids who will hang themselves in despair because the President made them feel worthless when he mentioned a black crack ho and not a white guy!!

And when accused pedophile and drug addict Michael Jackson died in 2009, the White House weighed in with the president’s thoughts.

That’s it. That’s the last straw. I can’t wade in this muck anymore. I’m going to take a shower, chug a bottle of tequila, snort about a pound of crushed Oxycontin, and try to forget I ever read any of this.

Organic Unit Failing! Dictionary program melting! Words ceasing to matter! Cyberman is are good intellectual! Cyberman Master Squirrel of Filthy Humanatees! ERROROROROROROR!

Christopher Chantrill, American Wanker:
If Conservatives Are Social Darwinists, Then…

Shorter (or the last port before the Jungle):

• I don’t understand what words mean.

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When you’re a middle-aged middle-manager suburban fuck trying to look like an extra from Deliverance, something’s gone terribly wrong with your life.

Jim Hoft, Goatse Pundit:
Horror!… Neo-Nazi #Occupy Phoenix Protester Goes on Shooting Rampage – 5 Dead*

Shorter (or the last port before jungle):

• The fact that JT Ready once annoyed a bunch of Occupy protesters is proof that he masturbated into a Karl Marx body pillow every night. So he’s yours liberals, just like every other lone wolf killer with no connection whatsoever to conservatives.

You’ve been warned. Now, on with the post.

The right is really desperate for a martyr. I mean, it always seems the Left gets to have all the martyrs just because they are the ones getting killed by the right-wingers. And that’s just not fair.

The Left doesn’t even want its martyrs and besides wastes them by doing things like having candlelight vigils, marches for solidarity, or using the deaths to highlight social ills or problems instead of doing cool stuff like using them to justify even more eliminationist rhetoric against people right-wingers hate. Not to mention the full-on ratcheting up of bigotry.

Meanwhile the Right is gagging for it. They need something, anything to justify the climate of fear they constantly live in, something to make themselves seem less like stereotypical old horror movie women running and screaming at every single noise and bump in the night.

They invented fake potential future martyrs with the death panels and the FEMA camps. They tried drawing backward Bs on their face and claiming Obama thugs did it. They tried straight up punching random Union members so they could claim random assault when one or two of them fought back. They have been trying to claim the smattering of black people being less willing to deal with bullshit from paranoid racists in the wake of the Trayvon Martin shooting (just like those uncultured thugs after MLK randomly got shot by someone) as a wave of race war against all whites everywhere. And they’ve been openly masturbating to Boy band member Anders Breivik (he’s the Bad Boy) being randomly executed just so they’ll finally have someone to work with.

And then, as if all their prayers were answered. It happened!

JT Ready, right-wing hero for running an extralegal murder gang patrolling the US-Mexico border looking for people with tans to shoot, was found dead.

Moreover, his Facebook page bore the wonderful news that:

“Reports are unconfirmed that a cartel assassination squad murdered JT Ready and several of his friends and family this afternoon in Gilbert Arizona,” the posting said. “This page’s admin will keep you updated of the situation as soon as possible.”

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Tiger Beat suddenly realized they made a mistake trying to appeal to the Wingnut Crowd.

John O’ Sullivan, National Reverse Spew:
Breivik Puts Norway on Trial

We liberals can be a cruel lot, often assuming a complete lack of genuine morality and empathy in our wingnut counterparts simply because of how they act and what they support.

Sure, conservatives may eagerly support continuing and expanding systems of racist, sexist, homophobic bigotry, may indiscriminately support the bombing of brown people, any brown people, are unable to empathize with the suffering of anyone poorer than Scrooge McDuck and may universally rally behind the murderer of a child simply because of the races of the people involved and a vague connection to a law they support because of a tangential link to the only constitutional amendment they’ve ever liked…

I’m sure I had a point in there… Oh right, it’s that, sure, the path of wingnuttery can lead to a lot of sordid and horrifying moral positions, but we really shouldn’t assume that’s the same as complete abandonment of any semblance of human morality.

I mean, sure, their blind following of their authoritarian impulses and the reduction of life into a sports match between “two teams” you support no matter what, has led to some unthinkable public choices in recent years, but there is some spark of life in the old wingnut hind brain.

They do recognize that there are still lines that they dare not cross. You don’t just up and kill people… unless they happen to support legal medical practices that happen to help women. You don’t openly support the KKK… unless they dress in 1700s cosplay and call themselves Teabaggers. And you don’t openly masturbate about how rugged and handsome and manly serial killers are…

Phew. I was really afraid that-

• I honestly can’t decide what turns me on more. Breivik’s Nordic good looks and striking political philosophies or the very thought of liberals being forced to betray their principles.

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Shorter Clay Waters, Newsblusterers
‘Homophobic? Maybe You’re Gay,’ ‘We Are All Nuns,’ More Left-Wing Fodder from NYT Sunday Review

• Anybody who says I’m gay can let me suck their cock, er, I mean can suck my cock.

Over at Brent Bozell’s band of misfit boys, aka Newsblusterers, the winsomely handsome sex-bucket and man of my dreams Clay Waters was assigned the New York Times this weekend and asked to ferret out some examples of verboten thought to wave about on Monday for the benefit of Newsblusterer’s excitable readership. So you can imagine Clay’s delight when he found something in the OpEd section on teh gays. Woohoo! Job done!! Game over!!! Throw up a quick post on how the Times is sucking up to the perverts and then off to the Cheesecake Factory for double helpings. (And maybe a little action in the Men’s Room at the restaurant if he’s lucky — because who else but somebody sufficiently desperate to troll a toilet would even think about touching Clay? But I digress. . . )

And a Sunday Review opinion piece by psychology professors Richard Ryan and William Ryan used a single study (employing "semantic association") to elevate a common liberal taunt redolent of cheap psychology: "Homophobic? Maybe You’re Gay,which asked: "Why are political and religious figures who campaign against gay rights so often implicated in sexual encounters with same-sex partners?"

Naturally the most effective way to challenge a scientific study is to put its methodology in scare quotes, as in “they used ‘telescopes’ and ‘planetary observation’ to prove that the earth revolved about the sun.”

The Ryans then strung together a few incidents involving conservatives who opposed gay marriage (hardly a fringe stance)(Ed. note: apparently as opposed to a "wide" stance) over the course of the last several years to insinuate some broad pattern.

Translation: because Ted Haggard, Larry Craig and George Murphy, Jr. are the only anti-gay people ever caught with dicks in their mouth, you are not entitled to draw any conclusions at all from my continuously obsessing over how disgusting buttsex is. Just the thought of two dudes together makes me want to throw up, which means that I am constantly thinking of throwing up. You can’t get any straighter than that.

Okay, Clay, we believe you. Really, we do.

Don’t let Nancy Pelosi’s vag destroy beautiful unions like this!

A Corporate American, National Review:
Keep the First Amendment

• Corporations are too people. If you cut them, do they not bleed? Oh… right, um… SMOKESCREEN! Clever escape!

Today’s outing is a particularly special treat. A National Review article that no one wanted to put their name to. Think about that for a second. The National Review regularly pushes out articles proudly claimed by their authors on the topics of how one’s word processing software kicked their ass in an argument. Not to mention the unending stream of J-Load posts that are just asking the readers to write his next post for him.

But this outing? Nope, no one wanted to touch it with a ten-foot pole.

And honestly, it’s not hard to see why. It’s pretty obviously just a mandate sent on down from the Koch Brothers worrying that the century and a half gravy train that has been “corporate personhood” may slowly be being stopped by Denzel Washington and Chris Pine acting in a terrible movie.

And despite trying its darndest, it still can’t escape the basic problem that whenever you try and claim that amorphous megacorporations are people, it just comes off sounding dumb as fuck. In fact so much that I’m surprised more comedies and satires haven’t run with it as a concept (I mean, imagine Taco Bell walking down the altar, the jokes write themselves).

But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s let them start the train wreck of fail themselves:
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ABOVE: The Buttrocket prepares for the launch

Shorter John Buttrocket Hinderaker, Power White Blog
If You Don’t Look Like Obama’s Son, No One Cares

• It’s Obama’s fault that a white guy in Mobile was beaten up by some blacks. This statement is not racially divisive because only the black racism of Obama, Eric Holder, and the blacks that beat the white guy up is racially divisive.

Good fucking grief. Some white guy in Mobile flings around the n-word and threatens some black kids with kitchen knives and when he is regrettably attacked over this, the right wing grasps its collective butts in pain, rolls around on the ground like a guy who just chewed and swallowed an Indian ghost pepper, and whines about an imaginary race war fomented by the Negro race and their chief instigator in the White House.

Naturally, ole Buttrocket, never one to pass up a good opportunity for public butthurt, trots this story out as if a gang of crazed Negroes, all besotted on crack and malt liquor and following the secretly transmitted telepathic instructions of the Negro-in-Chief to avenge Trayvon Martin, went roaming the streets of Mobile looking for the first white guy that they could find and then beat him up.

Is that what actually happened? Sadly, no. The victim and the chief attacker had been engaged in racially charged feuds for several years.

Hinderaker starts off quoting Fucker Carlson lackey and chick magnet extraordinaire Jim Treacher, who blames the Mobile assault on Spike Lee (a favorite white-wing bogeyman) and, for good measure, ABC and NBC. (The only real surprise here is that Jim didn’t add Oprah to the list of honky-taunting race baiters, but he probably simply forgot how to spell her name.)

Hinderaker is quick to add Obama to the list

Obama has been an extraordinarily divisive president; neither he nor others in his administration, like Eric Holder, have ever hesitated to foment race hatred when they thought it would serve the Democrats’ political interests.

(If you are wondering about where Holder fits in here, you have obviously forgotten about when he hired the Black Panther Party (all two of them) to ride their Hoverounds to a polling precinct in Philadelphia and threaten white people with their canes.)

For those of you who are thinking about gathering mangoes in the comments to Hinderaker’s post, don’t say I didn’t warn you. A sample:

I’m sure Trayvon did look like Obama’s son. After all, he was pounding a half Jewish, half Hispanic guy’s head into the concrete, wasn’t he?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Is it still a “war” when it’s just two sides getting fucked by a third that’s never depicted?

Karen Mangiacotti, Huff and Puff Post:
Stay-at-home Working Mothers

• Because I’m a Stay at Home Mom who totally has no ill feelings or resentments about being stuck at home, Ann Romney having the maid raise her kids is the epitome of hard work. Also working mothers spend their days eating bon bons like the lucky bastards they are. I don’t count in this population, because I don’t drive a car to work.

Hey, just because the right-wing is our most faithful mango producers, doesn’t mean we should neglect the supposedly liberal sources of complete and utter fail. And so today, we turn to the Huffington Post which has been ever tacking away from any pretense at moderate liberalism back into the swamp it was destined to drown in.

And as a bonus treat, this particular mango is a reigniting of the Mommy Wars. Don’t know what the Mommy Wars were? Well, then, you were a lucky sonuvabitch. I say were, because it’s time for backstory.

See, back in the 80s when white middle class feminists were trying to do things about the glass ceiling and being treated as equals in the workplace, the right-wing realized that the best way to get women to sabotage themselves and thus fail to pass things like the ERA was to pit stay-at-home moms against working moms.

And so they began preying on the natural loneliness, despair, and feelings of disregard and neglect SAHM were feeling from their husbands and society in general and claiming those originated entirely from a narrow subset of rich white women working dream jobs who presumably left their kids to be raised by wolves in the wild so they could be paid 6 figures just by having expensive spa treatments all day.

Now, this might seem stupid, but it proved wildly successful. A lot of housewives feeling the effects of the Feminine Mystique and regretting missed dreams were all too willing to find a point of blame for their situation which wasn’t their own partners or societal sexism. Something easy that would also let them air their envy of women they saw as having it better than them in courage, opportunity, or fortune.

This is not to say that all SAHM fell for this bullshit or that feminists at the time didn’t screw things up as well by focusing so much of their attention on the problems facing middle class white women.

But still, it sunk the ERA and has helped keep the word feminist a dirty word to this day. And now thanks to Hillary Rosen pointing out the obvious, we get to experience it in real time.

Lucky us.
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