Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Mike Potemra

Mike Potemra, who is the “Literary” Editor* at Ameria’s Shittiest Website™, has clutched his pearls and collaped on his chaise longue sobbing tears of faux-trage over our post where we mention that Charles Krauthammer is in a wheelchair. This was, apparently, simply beyond the pale.

Let’s begin by putting Mr. Potemra’s outrage in its proper context. Did we hear a peep from Mr. Potemra when his magazine printed a cover making fun of Asian people by drawing a Buddha with slanted eyes and buck teeth?** Er, nope, not a word.

Better yet, this is the same Mike Potemra who is against the Americans With Disabilities Act. (“I’m sorry, Mr. Krauthammer, that you can’t stay in any hotels because the bathroom doors are too small for your wheelchair, but I will make up for that by feigning indignation if anyone ever mentions that you are in a wheelchair. Now, that’s much better than a nice hotel room when you travel, isn’t it?”)

This is also the same Michael Potemra that thought that the joke about women putting aspirin between their knees for contraception was utterly hilarious.

So let’s get this straight. Racist caricatures of Asians? Hirarious! Sexist jokes about women? Can’t stop laughing!! Opposing ADA protections for the disabled? A sacred duty!!! Mentioning that Charles Krauthammer is in a wheel chair. The most vile and disgusting thing in the history of mankind since the forced integration of public schools!!!

But although Potemra can easily see the point of racist and sexist jokes, he completely missed my point, which wasn’t “Krauthammer’s in a chair! Hahaha! LOL!!!!!” My point was that if Krauthammer was hiring an intern, it wasn’t to help with his columns. Chuck doesn’t need some underpaid twenty-something to help him make stuff up since he seems perfectly capable of doing that without any help at all. A research assistant would be about as useful for helping Krauthammer make things up as Potemra would be for, say, a one-mile fun run. So we can only assume that the poor intern would simply be Krauthammer’s errand boy and personal factotum and thus might wind up helping Krauthammer get from place to place and picking up his shirts at the dry cleaners.

*I am somewhat baffled over what it means to be the “literary” editor over at America’s Shittiest Website, but judging from all the literature I can find there, I think it’s probably something like being a pork butcher in Iran or an attractive woman in the Vatican.

**This wasn’t NR’s first time at the racist Asian caricature rodeo.

His warm mustache and extermination of dissenters just makes us feel so loved and safe. He’s just the superior president to have a beer with.

Mitch Smith, American Tankmando:
The Grim Logic of ‘Fairness’

Ah, just go straight to the shorter.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Fuck pretending. Yes, we’re against fairness now too and we heartily support a dictatorship in service to funneling all the money to the wealthy. But we’re still going to call you the real fascists, because IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION.

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So when wingnuts are done being oppressed by Pork Sausage refusing Muslims, they are apparently being oppressed by this.

Timothy Birdnow, American Idiot:
Obama’s Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day, Sadlies!

On this day we may be calling our two dads, receiving the ill-gotten gains our spawn have retrieved, or sacrificing our father on a Satanic Altar for being a MAN. But while we enjoy this Hallmark-created holiday, we should take time to think of those who cannot enjoy this day with us.

I speak of wingnuts who’ve found this day ruined, RUINED I SAY, by Obama’s perfidious and persistent blackness!

Allow Timothy Birdnow explain:

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Did you know that people only speak in literal truths and never employ metaphor or other literary devices? It’s true, and therefore Obama is Double Hitler. Also, I have Norman-Bates-sized issues about my mother.

Er… maybe we should take it from the top.
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When I was a child: Running in the night, Afraid of what might be
Hiding in the dark, Hiding in the street, And of what was following me…

Jonathan David Carson, American Freak Out:
The Obfuscation Factor*

The election season has brought us quite a lot of crazy to mock here at Sadly, No! but with all the IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION and “why even bother having an election”, it sometimes feels like we’re losing sight of our roots. What happened to the days when we’d take someone grinding the borders of the remaining fragments of their sanity before taking off into a 720 spin into complete oblivion?

Why dear friends, they never ended.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Handcuffs! Muslims! Communists! People slightly different than me existing in the world! AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

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Ah, gee whilikers, Bobo, you’re going to ruin your reputation at the Applebee’s Salad Bar with this one.

Bobo* Brooks, the Motherfucking New York Times:
The Follower Problem

If there’s anything that has defined the right-wing, not just in our current age of paint-huffing and crying to mommy, but for all time, it is that they are drop to their knees, boot-licking authoritarians.

And that’s not a joke, it’s definitional. As you get more right-wing you get more authoritarian, worshipping power for its own sake, and thinking entirely in hierarchies, downward power struggles, and received wisdom from singular sources.

In fact, much of the comedy of the right-wing is when they take their IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION styles of writing and try and understand the actions of anti-authoritarians. Biology entirely rests on what one 19th century Brit thought, right? Wanting to give people equal rights is just code right to shifting the pre-existing hierarchy to put your peeps on top? Obviously liberals never criticize their leaders despite the reams of liberals criticizing their leaders we’re simultaneously using to prove that liberal leaders are having their support collapse from underneath them.
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Job posting: Charles Krauthammer is looking for someone willing to push him around in his chair for one to two years for minimum wage.

(Okay, this is just a filler post to start a new thread. I’ll try to post something more, er, substantive later tonight.)

I’m even using his T-shop to adorn my post. That’s how much of Tintin’s territory this is.

Dan Blatt, the Self Loathing Champion, “Gay” “Patriot”:
Free markets are good for gays

There are subtle divisions here at Sadly, No! Industries. For instance, if someone wants a quick shorter and a t-shop crafted from the gluteus maximus of a golden god, then one turns to Tintin. And if one wants a post so long that half the people reading it die of old age before they reach the end and a photoshop that looks like a grade schooler trying to see how bad a work needs to be not to make it on the refrigerator, then one turns to me.

As such, I’ve usually stayed away from the comedy goldmine that is America’s Dumbest Homosexual™. But I’m afraid the siren call is much too strong on this one. For it answers one of the desperate questions one has about professional kapos like him.

How does he rationalize this shit to himself?

Sadly, the answer, like many things in Dan Blatt’s life, is sorely lacking.
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What trans people look like to conservatives.

Robert Harkins, American Lunatic:
A Guy Named Jennifer

I’m sure there’s no reason whatsoever to worry about that title.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Ew, trannies!

Or not.

The Senate, in an act of cynical self-interest, just voted to strike the word “lunatic” from a federal law defining mental illness.

Because there is no reason other than Machiavellian manipulation to try and remove a medieval word that thought that mental illness was caused by the phases of the moon unbalancing the humors from one’s official legal definition of mental illness.
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ABOVE: Cardinal Levada*

Shorter Cardinal William Levada, Vatican Press:
Notification of the Congregation for Blah Blah Blah, etc:**

*An imaginative reconstruction of Cardinal Levada’s secret longings via the miracle of Photoshop. Not an actual photograph of the Cardinal. Do not try this at home. Closed course with professional clerics. (The best part of this disclaimer is that the idea of pedophile longing by the Cardinal is so believable that some people might actually believe this was a real photograph of the Cardinal.)

**Here’s a summary for Sadlynauts who would either prefer not to visit the Vatican website or who can’t make it through all the Cardinal’s bullshit in the original document

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Damn it, if I had to be pushed through a meat grinder to graduate school, then those damn kids should have to too!

Bruce Deitrick Price, American Idiot:
Progressive Education’s War on Knowledge

There are few things more instantly hilarious than a conservative trying to argue that they are standing against a War on Knowledge. For fuck’s sake, they’ve been running around for nearly a decade now literally declaring war on reality and facts and have been against education and intellectual curiosity for FAR longer than that. They couldn’t have less credibility on the issue if they were a comic book villain in a PSA comic about literacy.

So when you stumble on something even more instantly hilarious than that, you know you’re freebasing the good shit. And today, that extra teaspoon of fail is our good friends at the American Thinker trying to weigh in on education theory.

Yes, let’s let the stellar analysts behind “Bill Ayers is a Time Lord working on behalf the Mandingo Conspiracy” and “The Sapphic Lust of the Girl Scouts will Destroy us All” wax poetic on the best methods to educate young minds. Surely we’ll only get the most nuanced of inputs.

An educational futurist, in a video on Edutopia, objects to the teaching of data and information. That’s the sort of thing, he sniffs, that Google can find.

Or not.
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