ABOVE: Dinesh D’Souza, Maharajah of Gomaya
Shorter Dinesh D’Souza, Forbes:
How Obama Thinks
- As a true-blooded American, I can tell you that Obama is not really American
Dinesh D’Souza, arguably the ugliest person alive, has still not earned enough in wingnut welfare to get his ears tucked so that he doesn’t bear an unsettling resemblance to the offspring of an unholy coupling between Dumbo and Ganesh, an unfortunate fact not solved by the fact that his name is a contraction of his two apparent parents. But now that his ugly mug is plastered all over American cineplexes, we’ve shortered an article in Forbes from two years ago where Dinesh mounted his favorite hobby horse that has now been made into a feature length, er, movie. The hobby horse, as you may know, is that Obama is, somehow, not really an American but instead some transnational Maoist Mau Mau-ist motivated solely by a hatred of anti-colonialism. This leads him to govern the country according to secret messages he receives from his dead father and various other departed souls such as Leon Trotsky, Frantz Fanon and, of course, the Prophet Mohammed.
But we have been blinded to his real agenda because, across the political spectrum, we all seek to fit him into some version of American history. In the process, we ignore Obama’s own history. Here is a man who spent his formative years–the first 17 years of his life–off the American mainland, in Hawaii, Indonesia and Pakistan, with multiple subsequent journeys to Africa.
Now after you stop snickering that Mr. More American Than George Washington Himself apparently thinks that Hawaii is some kind of foreign country, let’s mosey over to Wikipedia and see what Mr. D’Souza did for his first 17 years. I am assuming, of course, that for those first 17 years young Dinesh memorized the Constitution, made pocket-money by selling American flags that he hand stitched in his own basement while listening to baseball games, and won numerous awards each year in essay contests where he submitted essays named, variously, “Why I Am Proud To Be an American,” “What The Founding Fathers Mean To Me,” “America, Not Europe, Invented Hamburgers,” and “Why The Star-Spangled Banner Always Brings Tears to My Eyes.”
D’Souza was born in Mumbai, Maharashtra, India, [in 1961] to Goan Catholic parents from the state of Goa in Western India.[17] He arrived in the United States in 1978.
Holy Bat, Shitman! Unless Maharashtra has become the 51st state, Dinesh spent his first 17 years eating biryani, not burgers, playing cricket, not baseball, tipping sacred cows not dairy cows, and listening to Usha Uthup, not Elvis. And now he gets to decide who is really American and who isn’t? That’s rather like letting Mitt Romney decide which is the best macaroni and cheese that comes in a box.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
