Nazi Punks Fuck Off Should Be Given Free Cake and Never Ever Criticized Even When They Kill People

Anders Breivik, George Zimmerman, and now Wade Michael Page. What’s a murderer got to do to NOT get a blowjob from the right-wing?

Michelle Malkin, Prenatal Review:
Smearing the Tea Party

Last Sunday yet another right-wing fuck went on yet another killing spree, this time at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin. A paranoid white supremacist neo-nazi walked into temple services and killed 6 people, injuring 4 more with a semiautomatic handgun he bought at a local gunshop.

But if there was one bright side to this tragedy, it has been that people have been starting to work through their automatic “white guy with gun = not terrorism, just lone gunman” bias. Media outlets are actually correctly labeling the murders as domestic terrorism. Some are even going back and tying it to the calvacade of other mass shooting, such as noting its the fifth in 7 years in Wisconsin alone.

Not that that’s enough. Like that will bring back the victims or break through the issues blocking us from actually ending these mass shootings and increases in domestic terrorism. But it’s something and a very important first step.

Even the right wing has been uncharacteristically silent on-

Wait, knock on woodknockonwood-

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Actually acknowledging that right wing murderers exist and commit horrific crimes in the wake of this right-wing murderer’s horrific crime is DOUBLE PLUS FASCISM UNGOOD!

Sonuvabitch!
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Why Do The Effing Homos Keep Saying I’m Homophobic?


ABOVE: Karen Norling

Shorter Karen Norling, The American Genius
Am I A ‘Homophobe’?

  • Some of my best friends are fucking faggots.

This is apparently homophobia month here at Sadly, No!, and our next guest after Trevor Thomas who wants to make it clear that she isn’t a homophobe either is Karen Norling. Karen is claiming to have four — count ’em! four!! — gay friends. More importantly, she is claiming that having these friends means that she can can’t be a homophobe even though she would like homosexuality to be wiped off the face of the earth (in a loving fashion, of course). Similarly, by that line of reasoning, I was (during my rural childhood) friendly with a few pigs and cows which means that I can eat them without being called a carnivore. Indeed, because of that close association, I am uniquely entitled to call myself a vegan while scarfing down a bacon blue cheese burger. Wow, is that great or what??

Of course, the fact that [these four friends] are homosexuals would mean nothing to you — if not for the following fact: I am utterly, 100% opposed to homosexuality. I not only think it’s unnatural, but I think it’s morally wrong, and the thought of it repulses me.

Somehow I get the feeling that we may be talking about imaginary friends here.

If you think my “disavowal” renders me a “homophobe” — think again. I may be at odds with homosexuality, but I am not afraid of it.

Now where have we heard that before? How has this become the meme du jour? Unless gays scare the piss out of you, you can freely hate them, deprive them of equal rights, call them names, express revulsion in their presence, and stuff a greasy fried chicken sandwich down your throat to get back at the gays and not be homophobic. It’s like John Derbyshire claiming not to be racist because he once bought a box of Uncle Ben’s Converted Rice.

Today I am extremely happy, totally satisfied with the man I married nearly 20 years ago. I mention I’m happy and satisfied because it’s apparent that those of you who make liberal use of the terms “homophobia,” “homophobic,” and “homophobe” are trying to imply not only that we who oppose homosexuality are mean, hateful, unenlightened, narrow-minded clods — but also that we’re denying ourselves infinite pleasure and fulfillment — all because we choose to have sex solely with members of the opposite sex.

Oh, for Liberace’s sake, no one, repeat, no one is calling you homophobic because you don’t want to engage in gay sex. We’re calling you homophobic because you don’t want other people to engage in gay sex. We’re calling you homophobic because you want people who engage in gay sex to have less rights. We’re calling you a homophobe because the very next thing you said was this:

By frequently employing such terms, you merely sabotage your efforts to make certain that homosexuality is ultimately sanctioned by those of us who would strike it from existence if we could.

No, wanting to wipe gays from the face of the earth isn’t homophobic at all. And, just a thought here, have you told your “friends,” I mean, assuming that they are real, that you would like to strike homosexuality from existence if you could? Because, if you had — and this is just a thought — I doubt that they would be your friends for much longer.

Oh, and one more thing. Even though this was just published today by the American “Thinker,” Norling is simply recycling this — word for word and without any attribution — from a column she posted at Porno Pete LaBarbera’s site back in November 2011. Not that, of course, such dishonesty would suggest that she totally made up these four extremely dear friends who she also thinks are repulsive, immoral perverts.

 

K-Lo’s Got a New Template to Copy Paste Into

And then the skies opened up and the angels sang to mark the creation of fail so hard it had become a genre unto its self. And the Lord saw it and knew it was hilarious.

Kathryn Jean Lopez, National Goo Goo G’Joob:
Becky Knows Best

K-Lo’s been on a really weird kick lately where… well, maybe I better let the shorter explain it.

Shorter Every Damn Lopez post (or the last port before the limits of my sanity):

  • This random conservative woman exists. Therefore the conservative War on Women doesn’t exist. And since that doesn’t exist, there is nothing objectionable about arguing that any woman who doesn’t want to risk pregnancy with every instance of man-on-woman God-approved vaginal penetration deserves to die like the slut she is!

So yeah.

See, if this just happened once…

Well, actually we’d mock it relentlessly because that level of delusional wishful thinking is sort of our bread and butter here on the snark circuit.

So what do we do now that K-Load is hell-bent on making this her dominant writing genre? Mock it harder?

Yes.
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More Deep Thinking

20120528-105713.jpg
ABOVE: Trevor Thomas

Shorter Trevor Thomas, The American Genius
The Dumbest Word in the English Language

  • I am sick of liberals claiming that conservatives discriminate against homos when my dictionary clearly proves that this cannot be the case.

A favorite wingnut trick is to appeal to a dictionary as the ultimate arbiter of a moral argument. You know, as when they say, gay marriage is wrong because some dust-encrusted dictionary from the 1930s defines marriage as a legal or religious union of “a man and a woman.” Following that line of argument, of course, they could easily establish once and for all that Jesus is the sole path to salvation by looking him up in the dictionary where it clearly states he is the Son of God. Oops. Wait. Never mind.

Anyway, back to the dictionary and the other amazing things that can be found therein. According to Trevor Thomas (you remember him), dictionaries don’t simply define words but can answer many other questions, such as whether conservatives discriminate against gay people. Trevor is sick and tired of the homos getting all whiney about how they are mistreated and he is going to throw his dictionary at them to prove that discrimination is simply a figment of their sex-obsessed imaginations.

Trevor’s starting point for this fascinating exercise was Frank Rich calling the Mormon Church homophobic.

Merriam-Webster defines [homophobia] as “irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals.” … almost exclusively those labeled as “homophobe” have a biblical conviction against homosexual behavior, and nothing more. They have no “irrational fear” of homosexuals, or a “dread of being in close quarters” with them.  A friend, language expert, and fellow Christian, Dr. Danny Evans, notes that the common use of homophobe is a “completely erroneous use of the word. Most of us know that a phobia is a fear of certain things or situations. It’s interesting that those who oppose homosexuality are categorized as ‘homophobic,’ especially since fear has nothing to do with the opposition to homosexuality. From a Christian viewpoint, homosexuality is not feared, but rather opposed based on the biblical explanation of it.

What I love about the writing stable at the American “Thinker” is that most of them appear to be so stupid that they can’t even find their way between their own bathrooms and kitchens without leaving a trail of breadcrumbs. Notice that whip-smart Trevor apparently doesn’t read his own fricking definition of homophobia which includes, duh, “discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals,” which kind of makes his argument that Christians aren’t homophobic because they are scared of guys pretty ridiculous.

But, okay, let’s ignore that teensy problem that the definition he cites as proof that folks aren’t homophobic doesn’t support his argument. Let’s ignore that definition completely and consider whether “phobia” only means, as “language expert” Dr. Danny Evans says, fear of something and whether therefore people who hate gays but don’t pee in their pants when they see gay people aren’t really homophobic. The problem here is that everyone knows that there is a use of phobia and phobic in words unrelated to the clinical sense of a mental disorder exhibiting itself by irrational fear. There are plenty of uses of those suffixes to indicate simple dislike, such as, for example, xenophobia, anglophobia, francophobia, etc., etc. So much for Dr. Danny’s language expertise.

Of course, we can alway sidestep this silly argumentum ad dictionarium by simply calling Trevor and his ilk bigots. Game over. Now shove your dictionary up your ass, bigot.

 

Leave Joe Paterno’s Victories Alone!

I see no evidence that there is a personal reason Dennis Prager keeps defending child molesters.

Dennis Prager, National Threw(-Up In My Mouth):
Sandusky Abused Children, NCAA Abuses History

Wow.

National Review and Dennis Prager are such a perfect combination of assholes and dickwad that I can’t believe no one thought about thrusting them together before now.

And Prager wastes no time for his douchebag overlords giving us a post that is fucked up beyond repair from the very title.

Yeah, sorry Dennis, but unless “history” is capable of pointing out on the doll where the mean old NCAA touched it, that false equivalence serves no other purpose than to try and downplay the horror of child rape.

But then as a regular defender of the Catholic Church, he already knew that.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Hey, I know Joe Paterno deliberately ignored one of the worst child rape rings in college history in order to protect his “legacy”, but destroying that legacy or acknowledging the existence of non-white, non-straight people in history is the real unconscionable crime.

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Me No Like Big Republican Words. Cerberus Smash!

See her upcoming book, Conservatives are from Mars, Liberals are from the Pleistocene Epoch.

Anne-Marie Murrell, Clownhall Finance:
Republicans Equal Vegetables; Democrats Equal Dessert

You know you’re off to a good start when the very title of what you are mocking is a giant ball of IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION. I don’t even need to bother writing a post. The title alone is good for at least 4000 pages of humor-mining.

I mean, fuck, before we get into the metaphor fails, there’s the literal interpretation fail staring us in the face. Specifically that Republicans have spent a large portion of the last 4 years ranting about the evil of vegetables and how liberals are trying to force you and your children to eat them in order to feminize you and make you more amenable to the pussy thinky crap liberals peddle in.

Rush Limbaugh has gone on several high profile rants about the liberal perfidy of vegetables and pretty much every “right-thinking” conservative thinks vegetarians are essentially demons in human clothing.

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Batshit Crazy Rises


ABOVE: Gina Miller (do you have to ask?)

Shorter Gina Miller, Ruhnoo Muhrka:
Mike Adams: Was Aurora Batman shooting a false flag operation?

  • James Holmes was a covert FBI agent and was ordered by Obama to kill those people in the movie theatre in order to drum up support for a UN Treaty that will take away all our guns.

Fuck me. No, really. Fuck me with a splintery broomstick shard then wrap it in sandpaper and do it again. Fuck me because this shorter is completely accurate and I need something to purge Gina Miller’s nonsense completely from my mind.

You know, people joke about peak wingnut as if it were something that could never happen because there will always be something crazier, something more breathtakingly stupid that some slobbering troglodytic Adam Yoshiba wannabe will dream up. But this folks, this is it. This is peak wingnut. Nothing will surpass this. Not even if Robin of Berkeley arises from her long awaited and heartily welcomed coma to claim that Obama feasts on human flesh in the Oval Office while sodomizing baby seals and blonde-haired Cub Scouts.

Gina’s first piece of evidence that the FBI was behind the shooting is this:

[T]he accused shooter, 24-year-old James Holmes, is reportedly a shy, young man who acted completely out of character.

Right. Shy people never shoot people. You will have to excuse Gina. She has recently returned from a top secret twenty year space mission to the outer Oort cloud and hasn’t been able to read the newspaper or watch any news broadcasts while she was away.

I wondered the same thing when I heard that he told the police about his apartment being rigged with explosives. Why would he do that? Sudden remorse?

Well, you’ve got me there. If anything says I’m a covert FBI agent, that would be it. Actually, there must be a ton of secret FBI agents out there wreaking crime and havoc on the community what with all the confessions that people make when they actually get caught by the cops.

Now for the best evidence of all:

Then we have Holmes’ mother making headlines almost as soon as the shooting was reported, claiming that authorities “have the right person.” That in itself is bizarre. Why would she say something like that right off the bat, when others who know him say the massacre seems very out of character for him?

The first rule of FBI club (they teach this at Quantico): You tell your Mom everything that you do for the FBI. Second rule of FBI club: You tell your Mom she can talk about everything you do for the FBI.

You read the rest for yourselves. I have done enough damage to my own mental well-being for the afternoon.


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

 

Shocking News: Libertarians Object to Basic Truth

Another one of these? Fuck it horror movie villain on the left, just kill me and get it over with… what do you mean that I’m thinking of the nice young man on the right? I see your serial killer smile!

Bob in Himmel, this election season is going to kill me.

I mean, the right-wing is usually pretty terrible overall. An unhinged band of assorted wackaloons and sociopaths all circle jerking over the latest manufactured outrage.

But now?

Now these repetitive outrage junkies are being co-ordinated. For the good of the party, they are being ordered to cover the same manufactured outrages and quote each other in masturbatory glory.

If you thought they were tiring before? Hoo boy!

So yeah, the right wing have grown tired of doing their standard “guns don’t kill people, people kill people, so let’s just kill some more people and call it a day” dance. And are starting to suspect that it’s only a matter of hours before the media are forced to circle back to talking about Mitt Romney’s Failapalooza regarding Bain Capital.

So in an attempt to head it off at the pass, they have decided to manufacture a def com 12 whine about how it’s unfair and wrong for Obama to campaign in this election.

Today’s flavor? A speech President Obama made in Roanoke, Virginia.
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Ghouls Have More Class

Fuck funny pictures, I’m legitimately pissed this time.

Mona Charen, National Disgrace:
Sadness, but No Anger

Earlier today, a tragedy occurred. A stressed out grad student named James Holmes went to a midnight screening of the Dark Knight Rises dressed apparently as an amalgamation of Bane and the Joker, shot 71 people, killing 12 with automatic weapons and a combat shotgun. He also booby-trapped his apartment to explode.

Now at the word “shot” the ever-dependable ghouls of the right-wing began penning whiny defensive posts about a gun control movement that hasn’t existed in this country, on a real level, in at least 30 years.

Well, I should say, they began right after they checked the race of the shooter on the off chance he was non-white and they could recycle the “race war”, “gang violence”, “why are blacks so unable to be civilized” posts they reserve for blacks or the “it’s another 9/11” posts they reserve for muslims or latinos they can pretend are working for muslims.

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Personal Responsibility Means Always Having to Say It’s Obama’s Fault

Soooo evil!

Kathryn Jean Lopez, National Cockatoo:
Omaha Stacy vs. HHS

If there’s one thing I have always admired about wingnuts, it’s their unflagging commitment to Personal Responsibility.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Not allowing a crazy woman to screw over herself, because she wants to screw over others, makes Obama and the Democrats personally responsible for the negative consequences that would happen if she were allowed to screw herself over!

By which I of course meant, their unflagging commitment to making Obama and Democrats personally responsible for every possible bad thing that could ever occur.

Stub your toe? Obama’s fault. Get beaten for the last parking space? Obama’s fault. The enduring poverty of the inner cities? Obama’s fault. The exploitation of China prior to the Boxer Rebellion? Definitely Obama’s fault. What did you think he used the time machine for in between planting evidence of his fictional American birth?

Apparently, in wingnut land, Obama sits upon his dread ebony throne and micromanages Satan’s work to ensure maximum inexplicable harm.

Which, to be fair, is quite accurate. I mean, look at the horns!

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