Sadly, No!

ABOVE, David Harsanyi, JD, LLM (Swampitucky School of Law, ’81, ’84)

Shorter David Harsanyi, The Denver Post
End the lame-duck session

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: (Dumb, dumber and dumberist, left to right) John Hinderaker, Kevin Dujan and Jim Hoft

Shorter John Hinderaker, Power Tools
“OREGON FIRE RAISES MUSLIMS’ FEARS OF ATTACK BACKLASH”

Shorter Kevin Dujan, Hillbuz
HORROR: TSA nude backscatter scanners cause chromosome damage

Jim “Gateway Dumbshit” Hoft
Pentagon Study: Gays Can Serve With No Harm

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

For Frank Maguire, nothing says Thanksgiving like bullshit from 5 years ago:

Given the proliferation of T’s and A voyeurism radiating throughout the USA where “good feelings” has been given a new, euphemistic connotation by Die Vereinigten Saaten (once known as “America the Beautiful…land of the free and home of the brave”), I thought it appropriate to submit this article which I wrote in 2005 […] “(One) 25 year old waitress who turned down a job providing ‘sexual services’ at a brothel in Berlin faces possible cuts in her unemployment benefits under (the new law).

Ah… sadly, fortunately no!:

Claim: Women in Germany face the loss of unemployment benefits if they decline to accept work in brothels.

Status: False.

Frank’s winning analogy, in our opinion, remains this gem:

Secondly, the fact that one “remembers” never being anything else [besides the homo] only proves that one has limited memory. For example, I could say “I’ve always walked upon two legs because I have no memory of crawling.” Certainly I have not always walked. I just don’t remember when I didn’t.

It’s true that we don’t remember Frank writing anything other than total and utter nonsense but we’re still pretty damn sure he’s never written anything else.

ABOVE: Maksim Sergeyevich Bootin

Shorter Maksim Bootin, Neoconmentary
Journalism That Knows No Shame*

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Apparently neither Boot nor his editors do a last-minute headline check to avoid inadvertent ironic self-reference.

ABOVE: Jim Hoft guards snack aisle from
Muslim bomb plot

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Jim Hoft’s blog, the Gateway Dumbshit, recently disappeared mysteriously from First Things, the Roman Catholic site which once hosted it, and popped up minutes later at Kelsey Grammer’s Rightnutwork. Although no one peeped a word about Hoft’s sudden realignment, one can only speculate that Hoft was probably kicked under the bus by First Things for being too much of a whack-job even for them, which is saying a lot since First Things also provides an Internet home for a crazy woman who pretends to be nun.

Hoft’s excommunication, however, has thankfully not tempered his unstinting quest to whip up the bedwetters, as evidenced by this classic Hoft headline:

OFFICIALS FOIL BOMB PLOT AT CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING CEREMONY- Somali Man Arrested

That headline tops a picture of smiling white Christians around a Christmas tree, followed immediately below by a picture of the dusky-hued perpetrator and a statement that the devilish Mooslim was eighteen minutes — EIGHTEEN MINUTES, I TELL YOU!! — from blowing up his car bomb and scattering innocent body parts all over Portland.

This predictably caused a frenzy of feces flinging by the howler monkeys that live in Hoft’s comment sections. The appropriately nymed “Male Silverback” sees this as a good reason to deport all Muslims. That’s nothing compared to the orthographically and grammatically challenged “Ginger” who writes, at least loosely speaking, this:

Watch the comings and goings at all mosque! I remember last year that it was reported that around 200 Somalia’s was seen crossing the Mexican boarder and they could not be found! It appears that the reason the boarders are NOT being protected is for this reason! We have a traitor among us! Are shall I say we have a whole lot of traitors among us! … The gutter stinch is getting stronger and stronger.Sounds like he is bringing his brown shirt muslim cousins over as fast as he can. He knows our soldiers WILL NOT follow his orders!

All you Sadlynauts can probably predict where we’re going here and what our Sadly, No! moment will be:

His arrest was part of a long-term undercover operation, during which Mohamud had been watched closely for months as his alleged bomb plot developed. The explosive device in the car was inert and the public was never in danger.

OMFG, we were eighteen minutes — EIGHTEEN MINUTES, I TELL YOU!!!! — from a Muslim trying to detonate a brick of Play-Doh.

ABOVE: What Sarah is dreaming of this Thanksgiving

Shorter Sarah Palin, Her Faggoty Fag Fag Facebook Page
A Thanksgiving Message to All 57 States

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

[h/t StrangeAppar8us at Rumproast]

Shorter Alleged Psychotherapist Robin of Berkeley, The American “Thinker”
My First Thankful Thanksgiving

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Msgr. Ross Xavier Pius Douthat, S.J., O.P., O.F.M., S.S.J., Th.D+, The New York Fucking Times Pope-Ed Page
Ireland’s Paradise Lost

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Thomas Gainsborough, The Blue Ben (oil on canvas, cir. 1770)

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Can there possibly be anything more rife with comic possibility than a Big Hollywood post by America’s Worst Unemployed Lawyer and Film Critic™ Ben Shapiro in which Ben, of all people, laments the disappearance of the manly men’s man from American culture. It’s rather like an article about grooming and hygiene tips written by Jonah Goldberg.

Ben begins his lament with his (rather revealing) epitome of the masculine ideal: the abdominally ripped, pectorally grandiloquent, protruberantly crotched Superman.

I am constantly bemused by the attempt to re-set Superman. The original comics are classic pieces of Americana. The original movie with Christopher Reeve was wonderful in almost every way – the first forty minutes of the original Superman is pure magic.

Pure magic? Ben, buddy, you don’t write an article extolling manliness and then let a purse fall out of your mouth just 40 words in. I mean, you might have well as said that the first forty minutes were “faaaaaabulous”

Superman is sincere in his masculinity. He doesn’t wax his chest.

Also.

Our movie stars are now metrosexual rather than men’s men. It’s been a long transition, a transition that began with the androgynous heroes of the 1970s – testosterone-free actors like Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson became pop culture icons, replacing the Errol Flynns and the Marlon Brandos.

Apparently they don’t teach you in law school that Marlon Brando admitted to his fair share of sucking cock and that Flynn, well, if he could hold it down, he fucked it, irrespective of the gender of the naughty bits involved. Can it simply be coincidence that Ben picks these two as his personal icons of masculinity?

More people will still shell out bucks to see Harrison Ford (as long as he stops the metrosexual post-Calista Flockhart crap) and Sean Connery than they will to see Robert Pattinson sans fangs. It’s not because they’re old. It’s because they’re dudes. Men want to be them. Women want to be with them. They kick ass, take names, and don’t shave their chests.

There we go with the chest-shaving issue again. Okay, Ben, we get it. You like bears. Thanks for sharing. (I think.)

Note from our New York law firm: Sadly, No! is not liable for any self-inflicted trauma resulting from efforts by its readers to obliterate from their brain the image of Ben Shapiro making the two-backed beast with John Podhoretz or this. See our terms and conditions.

Shorter Chuck Kraphammer, WaPoOpEd
Don’t Touch My Junk*

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

* Wishful thinking. I would imagine that there’s not a TSA agent who wouldn’t resign before having to get his hand up in Kraphammer’s junk.