Earth 2 Romney’s NAACP Speech Was the Stuff of Legends

It was the oddest thing. On said Earth, he had a goatee and supported universal free health care as a human right.

Mona Charen, National Spew:
A Proud Moment: Romney’s NAACP Speech

It has not been a good campaign season for the Smiler. He tried to have a nice clean campaign where people refrained from such touchy issues like ideological beliefs and issues and only focused on moral issues and personality… Well, until he realized he was losing that too, then he knew it should just be about how long one proved they could run a successful company… WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE DON’T LIKE HOW I RAN MY COMPANY! Fire those assholes immediately and liquidate their company to make my poll numbers artificially shoot up…

What do you mean that isn’t how it works? Well, fuck.

So, the Smiler is stuck. He needs to appeal to Americans, but he can’t. He could disappear into the generic Republican branding, but people hate them too. He accepted an invitation to the NAACP to try and appeal to the low-information “centrist” “swing” voters until he realized that they are probably an extinct species.

He’d appeal straight to the base, but they’re still mad that he’s Mormon and… mostly that he’s Mormon.

So how does he win?
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Stockholm Syndrome Isreal

Shorter Bruce “America’s Most Ridiculous Homosexual,™” The Gay Quislings
Brad Pitt’s Mom Blasts Obama

  • I don’t much like Brad Pitt but I absolutely adore his faaaabulous mother for speaking out against gay marriage and the evils of homosexuality.

I have a confession to make. I occasionally contribute money to The Gay Quislings just to make sure that Bruce and Dan keep on blogging. (Bruce, you might recall, actually retired from blogging for a few minutes a while back after he did a stupid thing.) I do this because sometimes I just don’t have time to wade through the groves of rotten wingnut mangoes to bring back putrid delights for your amusement and delectation. When that is the case, I know that a quick trip over to The Gay Quislings and, whoop, there it is, another exquisite piece of self-loathing steaming bull hooey conveniently served up by Bruce and Dan and just sitting there, ripe for the taking.

A perfect example is the post from Bruce shortered above, which starts out like this:

I don’t really care about the political views of celebrities anymore. They are mostly predictable and rather ignorant.

Even if you just have an associate’s degree in Party Planning from Phoenix University, you know what’s coming next. When a wingnut says he doesn’t care about what celebrities say any more, this is a certain prelude to hearing about some celebrity who has had the courage to demand the vault copy of Obama’s birth certificate or who has decided to boycott Google until they stop being so gay.

Amirite?

But this one caught my attention. Granted, Mom Pitt isn’t exactly a celebrity. But still…

Yep. amieverrite! Except, WTF, Brad Pitt’s mother? His MOTHER? Yes, his frigging mother has Brucie so delighted that he’s piddling in his pants like a submissive cocker. Not surprisingly, Bruce has fallen in love with Brad’s mother because . . . drum roll . . . she hates Bruce and the rest of the sinful homosexuals out there. For that, Bruce pays her the ultimate compliment of a Southern prissy queen:

Momma Pitt sounds like a firecracker.

She sounds like an asshole to me, but then again I’m not some bitter nelly Republican queen stranded loveless and friendless in the backwoods of North Carolina trying to curry the favor of some Rush Limbaugh fan in a trailer park in the hopes that one night he’ll get lit up on crystal meth and make a booty call for me.

 

And I Bet Clay Doesn’t Even Have Health Insurance Himself

Shorter Clay “Man of My Dreams” Waters, Newsblusterers
New York Times Again Falsely Claims Audience Shouted ‘Let Him Die!’ During GOP Debate

  • There is an enormous difference between shouting “Let him die” and shouting “Yeah” when someone asks “Should we let him die?”

Apparently the winsomely handsome sex-pot Clay Waters is the only one at Newsblusters who has enough three-syllable words in his vocabulary to be able to read the Sunday New York Times. So sometime this past weekend, Clay hunkered down with a pound or two of microwaveable bacon strips and the magazine section of the NYT looking for stuff that would make Brent Bozoell proud to be Clay’s Sugar Daddy and happy to keep the checks and gifts coming in Clay’s direction. (We can safely assume that Clay wasn’t doing the crossword puzzle.)

And here are the fruits of Clay’s perusal of the Sunday NYT magazine:

Former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee talked to Andrew Goldman for the New York Times Magazine, who used a media myth to give Huckabee a platform to call the Republican Party “hyperorthodox” and excessively ideological

Oooh. A “media myth” and a RINO attack before Clay has even finished the first sentence. Clay is really earning his keep at Newsblusterers today.

Goldman’s opening question basically begged Huckabee to bash the GOP: “During the Republican primary debates, audience members booed a question from an active serviceman who was gay and shouted, “Let him die,” about a hypothetical gravely ill patient without insurance. Is this different from the party that you know and love?” Huckabee obliged by smacking the slow pitch: “Very much. . . . “

Now comes the piercing media analysis for which Bozell’s boys are so justly famous:

One problem: No one shouted “Let him die” at the Republican debate televised on CNN and hosted by Wolf Blitzer.

In fact, it is well known that the entire audience of Republicans started weeping inconsolably at the very thought of someone dying because they lacked health insurance.

As Times Watch reported back on September 23, 2011 after the paper first forwarded this falsity as fact: “It was debate moderator Wolf Blitzer who actually used the words ‘let him die,’ when asking candidate Ron Paul a loaded question about letting a hypothetical man die for lack of health insurance. There is no auditory evidence anyone at all in the crowd shouted such a thing….” ABC News gave a more accurate presentation of what happened.

As you can discern from the Shorter, the “more accurate presentation” of what happened is that Wolf asked Ron Paul ” “Congressman, are you saying that society should just let him die?” and some members of the audience shouted “Yeah.” Waters’s claim that this isn’t the same thing as shouting “Let him die” is the sort of sophistry that you’d expect from a six-year old and not even a smart six-year old. “I didn’t hit Timmy. His face just fell into my fist. I swear!”

Of course, the reason that Clay is relegated to the amateur wingnuttia at Newsblusters is that he didn’t even have the wits to come up with something clever like arguing that there is no proof that the folks who shouted “Yeah” were Republican. For all we know, they could have been Islamocommie Obama supporters who snuck into the debates just to make Republicans look bad. Or that actually they didn’t say “Yeah” in English but were speaking Transcroaslavimongolian and said “Yöøeâuh,” which sounds much like “yeah” but which means, roughly, “Please, dear Lord, give him insurance and save his precious life.”

 

Bobo Want Know! What About Teh Menz?

Bobo metal heart fear gynocalypse. Feel will erase all aristocrat cock from history. Then who will Bobo go to for filthy organic craving?

Bobo Brooks, The Motherfucking New York Times:
Honor Code

All right, before I start, I have to get one thing out of the way. Yes, I have read Charles Pierce’s epic takedown on this post. And yes, it truly is epic.

So why am I covering it here again after such a thorough fisking? Well, frankly because mangos this rotten deserve a thorough beating less they reform themselves into the dreaded Mango-shoggoth and destroy the world.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • Holy shit, girls now do as well as boys in school thanks to decades of fighting discriminatory practices. So I’m going to join the current right-wing freakout about it, which argues that since women are inherently inferior, the schools must be conspiring against boys to artificially lower their performance. Also I’m so out of touch, I don’t even know which Shakespeare plays most resonate with people. I may in fact be an evil robot posing as a lecherous old man who dyes his eyebrows.

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Dickweed’s Burden

Conrad Black.
Crimes: Multiple instances of high level fraud and the destruction of thousands upon thousands of lives of the most vulnerable of our citizens.
Punishment: Slightly over 3 years of minimum security imprisonment (non-consecutive) and a reduction of sentences for everyone who commits similar.
And people wonder why everyone has lost faith in the American Justice System.

Conrad Black, National White Supremacist:
Post-Colonial Killing Fields

Now from the title, you might be worried. Oh no, you might think, will this be some dickweed wingnut trying to modernize the old White Man’s Burden argument and see if it has legs now that the wingnuttery has spent 4 years trying to make “anti-colonial” into a swear word?

I can assure you, hypothetical reader who exists in my mind, twisting my soul to your dark whim, that that isn’t the case.

He doesn’t bother modernizing it.

We’re about to enter a whole “Dark Continent” of jungle this time.

Verbatim:

  • No one could seriously dispute that almost all of sub-Saharan Africa, all of North Africa except Morocco, all of the Middle East except Israel and Jordan and most of the oil-rich states, and the entire former British Indian Empire were better governed by Europeans.

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The National Review will cry a Thousand Oceans

And they’ll cry a thousand more… if it’ll somehow erase that black bastard from ever existing in THEIR White House. Actually, scratch that, they’ll cry a thousand oceans either way.

Mark Steyn, National Weeping Child Brigade:
Constitutional Contortions

So the manly-men of manly National Review has been in perpetual fail mode since the ACA Supreme Court decision. Because nothing says stalwart intellectualism like weeping like a toddler because Mommy wasn’t willing to knock over a 7-11 for you.

But of all the responses, perpetual slimeball Mark Steyn has possibly the most ironically titled, so he wins the Kewpie doll.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

  • The Supreme Court barely avoiding making a mockery of the Court system in one single case is a violation of our constitutional right to win at everything!

Read the rest of this entry »

 

Johnny We Hardly Knew Ye

Shorter Victorophon Davidoros Hyanseninthosocles, America’s Shittiest Website™:
Justice Roberts — Tragic Figure

  • It is better for a Supreme Court Justice to be a partisan hack than to be someone who pays attention to public opinion.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

 

Is It Possible For “Webelos” To Be Any Gayer?

Shorter Chuck “Walker, Texas Gay-nger” Norris, Ammoland:
Is Obama Creating a Pro-Gay Boy Scouts of America?

  • Obama has bribed the CEO of Ernst & Young to turn all the boys in the Boy Scouts gay.

The best part of Norris’s rant is what he thinks are the bribes that Obama has paid James Turley, the Ernst & Young CEO, to turn the Boy Scouts, and all your children in the Boy Scouts, gay. Now, keep in mind that we’re talking about the CEO of Ernst & Young here, a guy who probably trades in his Maybach for a new one each time it gets soiled by a few raindrops and who, it is safe to say, never has to worry whether he can afford another bottle of the 1998 Petrus at lunch.

So, it is particularly hilarious to see that Norris believes that Obama can induce him to make the Boy Scouts gay by inviting him to one state dinner, putting him on the President’s Export Council, and giving him a seat on another advisory panel. Seriously, these three things are the “perks and favors” with which, according to Norris, Obama “prodded” him to turn the Boy Scouts gay. I mean if that’s all that it takes, what the fuck does he think Turley would do for a cabinet position? Personally give David Axelrod a blow job during each daily press briefing?

I realize that for Norris, whose income these days is probably just enough to keep him in cold wieners and warm Budweiser, might himself be willing to go gay for a relatively small perk, but that hardly means that someone who still has a real career can be so easily induced.


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

 

Sometimes One Shorter Just Isn’t Enough


ABOVE: Uncle Tom Sowell

Tom Sowell, America’s Shittiest Website™
A Political Glossary

  • Hungry people are just fat people who are too lazy to work.
  • When I was young and had to walk to work backwards and barefoot and through the snow, I was hungry and I didn’t ask Joe DiMaggio to buy me a hamburger.
  • Compassion is theft.
  • Racism doesn’t exist; it’s just a word that liberals use.
  • It’s not fair to talk about whether something is fair or not.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™


 

Equal Rights Would Be Okay If Not Everyone Wanted To Be Equal


ABOVE: Adult toy (left); Right-wing dildo (right)

John Hinderaker, Powertools IV:

Rethinking Gay Marriage.

  • I would be in favor of gay marriage if we could limit it to gay Republicans.

You have to wonder how Hinderaker continues to draw a salary from a law firm when he says inane shit like this in public and, apparently, spends most of his work day coming up with it. I mean, who would actually hire this dimwit to do substantive legal work for them? People who couldn’t afford Orly Taitz?

What prompted Hinderaker to come up with this was a news report that some gay activists had the utter temerity to flip off a portrait of St. Ronald “I Thought Aids Were Citrus Drinks” Reagan while visiting the White House. Now, of course, the idea of John Hinderaker, the author of this email, tut-tutting anyone over uncivil conduct is particularly choice. Should all wingnut bloggers have been penalized because of Hinderaker’s famous “you stupid left-wing shithead” email?

But I think Hinderaker thinks that restricting gay marriage to gay quislings has another advantage. Because most of them either don’t want to get married or, like Dan Blatt, have as much chance of getting married as Hinderaker has of finding a client in the Fortune 500, Hinderaker’s idea would result in about three gay marriages.

Of course, we’ve heard this nonsense about limiting equal rights to the nice ones before and I imagine if you asked Hinderaker, he would also believe that voting rights and other civil rights would be okay, but only for the polite darkies and not the ones who run around agitating and scaring hard-working, decent white folk.


‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™