Posted on July 22nd, 2009 by D. Aristophanes
You’re Free Republic founder Jim Robinson and you’ve drawn a line in the sand:
If we could get millions of Americans to march on Washington, what would we do?
It cannot be denied that the central government has become destructive of our unalienable rights to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness and our rights to live free. The government is no longer responsive to we the People. They have stretched and shredded the constitution to the point that they have illegally seized for themselves virtually unlimited powers over the citizens and act as if we have no rights and no powers of our own. They are acting without our consent.
Our Founders established that when our government becomes destructive of our rights then it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
We have reached the point where the government’s long train of abuses and usurpations has achieved absolute Despotism, therefore it is our right, it is our duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for our future security.
Therefore, We the People of America choose to exercise our right to throw off and alter the abusive government by peacefully recalling and removing from office the President of the United States, the Vice President of the United States and all U.S. Senators and U.S. Representatives effective immediately.
Ah, teh Internets. It wasn’t so long ago that such inchoate rage was scribbled free-hand in composition books for no eyes to recoil from but those of the crime scene investigators. In the past, you might self-publish, but that was costly and brought its own set of perils. A popular alternative was to mail one’s personal madness to media gatekeepers who might be coerced into reprinting it … or might not be. Now, thanks to historical revisionism, we have a state-of-the-art series of tubes that bypasses the New York Times editorial board entirely and plunks your petulant manifesto on the flat-panel displays of like-minded folk across the country, so that you might all rise up in your tens and demand satisfaction from the jug-eared Kenyan interloper who gamed the Constitution with un-American teleprompter-fu to steal a presidential election with a majority of the votes.
Welcome to the Information Age! Where the voices in your head may freely converse with the digital avatars of similar paranoids who reside thousands of miles from your bunker! Where you may openly declare your sworn duty to defend the Founders’ intent from the peaceful and legal transition of power that threatens to destroy their vision of government by, for and of the people … to boldly resist a naked democratic power grab by popularly elected charlatans who use the cherished ideals of our forefathers against us … and at long last, to summon the courage to knock over the Monopoly board of life and stomp off in a tantrum when your political opponents piss all over the rules of the game by following them, and somehow manage to get a hotel on Park Place.
Of course, to make a wingnut omelette, you’ve got to break a few Constitutional eggs … destroy the document in order to save it, etc.:
We hereby repeal the 17th amendment.
The central government has expanded well beyond the limits established for it by the founders and pay for that expansion by directly taxing the people and severely restricting our rights through an enslaving income tax.
We hereby repeal the 16th amendment.
The IRS and all sub departments and agencies are hereby dissolved, disbanded and closed.
All deliciously irrational — but you’re troubled. Your chicken scratch ravings were just peachy for muttering aloud to frightened relatives on the rare occasions that you dragged yourself out of the basement for a family gathering. And your Freepii followers are naturally on board, but you suspect their disembodied replies may just be the product of your fevered imagination anyway. And you wonder, are your words soaring enough to inspire real, live human beings who are not forced to humor you? It’s a quandary, so you summon what last vestiges of socialization you still possess from the days before stranger danger overwhelmed you, and appeal to the pixelated voices that have provided you comfort in the past:
Need lots of help with this document, folks. Please chime in.
There — that wasn’t so hard, was it? And let it be a lesson to all creepy lone-wolf types … Freeper honcho Jim Robinson’s cry for help was met with a tidal wave of constructive criticism for his call-to-arms and the million-wingnut march on Washington he assumes will result from its widespread publication:
‘We need General James Mattoon Scott,’ recommends one Freeper cinephile going by the handle buccaneer81, despite the march being planned for one day in September and not seven in May. It’s also possible that Jack Bauer was not available to lead the protest.
‘The parallels with 1775 are fairly exact (also parallels with Germany in the 30’s as well),’ chimes in the historically minded 2 Kool 2 Be 4-Gotten. True that — back then, they got us with ‘taxation without representation’ and this time around it comes with, but other than that, it’s exactly the same (and the liberal thugs know it, too — we overheard one saying as much at a beer hall putsch just last week).
Others are worried about the dreaded Obama death camps. ‘One of the concerns that I’ve expressed, is getting us all in one place. With the insanity going on, what in your opinion, would prevent this monster from calling in armed troops/thugs and killing us, or at the very least, herding us into prisons where we would never see the light of day again?’ frets Outlaw Woman.
Another Freeper, lula, also expresses some reservations at first, but in the end, well, fuck it: ‘I would love for this to happen, but I’m afraid the unemployment would quadruple since so many work for the government. Then we would have riots and chaos, never the less where do I sign.’
Nervous nellies aside, the dialogue soon turns to strategy. Perhaps Robinson’s nascent movement could benefit from a bit of cosplay and an appeal to the South Asian community, suggests mission9: ‘I think we should try non-violence first. How about a revolutionary fife and drum march of knee sock, powdered wig patriots, followed by a Mohatmed Ghandi stand in, wearing a diaper and carrying a walking stick.’
Pampers or Huggies, whichever’s on sale at the Piggly Wiggly … but a tactical decision will have to be made as to whether the ‘Ghandi’ stand-in should shit himself for effect during the march on Washington.
But as the excitement grows, the conversation takes on a more ominous tone:
“Be ready. The traitors will give you no quarter. Give them none,” warns Enoughofthissocialism.
Later, it is determined that pre-emptive action may be required to counter ‘the traitors.’ Unfortunate, perhaps, but according to Hotlead61, that doesn’t mean such action can’t also be fun — so he helpfully offers to organize a contest for Freepers to murder Robinson’s critics.
The list of said critics certainly won’t include us. For our part, we think Jim Robinson’s manifesto is an instant classic — wouldn’t change a thing. Our favorite bit — the unilateral repeal of Constitutional amendments on the basis of absolutely zero in the way of actual Constitutional process — alone shoots this one to the very top of the wingnut manifesto pantheon, toppling this awful piece of shit.
And we never, ever thought that could happen.
