Sadly, No!

ABOVE: John J. Miller and Herman Munster at family reunion

Slightly Shorter John J. Miller, F.W.S.™, America’s Shittiest Website™
The Queer Quota

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Bear with me, all you teatard mockers. I’m on a roll (of vodka tonics). Consider the Tea Party movement — a collection of mouth-breathing social misfits who increasingly gather in public places. That’s the nail in the horseshoe that touches off the movement’s own downfall. That’s why this whole teabagging clusterfuck is going to collapse upon itself and wind up shooting rainbows and unicorns out of its violently expiring asshole.

Y’see, it’s long been conventional wisdom that tolerance is best achieved by the slow and steady infiltration of diversity amongst the bigoted. If only enough people figured out that they actually knew a gay person or a Muslim person or watched ‘Will and Grace’ or whatever, eventually they’d become more tolerant and less prone to jumping at wingnut dog whistles.

But the truth is, an enormous number of people were never going to figure this out organically, due to the fact that they are naturally misanthropic shut-ins with no capacity for visiting the public square and getting to know their fellow citizens.

It has often been said, for example, that people would become more tolerant of homosexuality when they discovered that their son or daughter was gay.

Nice in theory. But how does that work when a significant portion of your population will never ever never have a son or daughter, not by making that choice, but because their extreme sexual retardation undermines any shot they have at procreation?

Here’s where the Tea Party movement comes in. For the first time in living memory, the social retards are actually emerging from their secret lairs to kibbitz amongst other people in the light of day. True, those other people are people like Glenn Beck, but at least they’re other living, breathing human beings and not distant, pixelated voices reverberating from the Intertubes echo chamber.

My prediction is that the more these Tea Partiers gather and protest, the more they will actually have to confront other meatbags with different views, appearances and agendas. They may all be mostly misanthropic but they’re not completely sociopathic, or at least I hope they’re not.

And if I’m right, we may see something truly ironic and almost beautiful — a conservative movement that finally decided to take to the streets after decades of grumbling obscenities in the privacy of its walled-off enclaves … and by dint of that long-avoided mingling with fellow citizens discovered that it had more in common with the diverse members of its various cohorts than it had ever imagined.

Or we’ll have a Civil War. Make the next one a double.

Just in case some of you out there haven’t seen this yet:

ABOVE: Perfesser Reynolds (no Photoshop used)

---

The entire reason for constructing a straw man argument is to refute it but, sadly, there are some people that can’t even beat their own straw men. To wit, we have Glenn Harlan “Instahick” Reynolds, the Cracker Barrel Chair Professor of Handgun Law at the University of Tennessee School of Law and Wingnut Blogging, being soundly thrashed his own strawman: the alleged hordes of liberal environmental eliminationists, who are secretly planning mass murder and suicide to save the planet, and who must be stopped at all costs. Even from a guy who is planning on implanting his brain in a robot and shooting himself off into outer space to live (and blog) forever, this is pretty stupid stuff.

Reynold’s article starts off promisingly enough with Reynolds saying, presumably by accident, something that is mostly true:

Lee was a nut, an eco-freak who said he was inspired by Al Gore’s environmental scare-documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth.” His badly written “manifesto” underscores his craziness. He hated “filthy human babies.”

Alas, this fit of partial veracity is short-lived and leads straight into an enormous whopper.

But, of course, Lee’s not alone. Looking at the environmental literature, we find terms like those used above — the currently stylish description is “eliminationist rhetoric” — used widely, and plans for mass sterilization are fairly common.

Why just the other day I was on Amazon looking for a nice book on mass sterilization only to find that there were so many I couldn’t make up my mind, so I opted instead for The Girl with the ShihTzu Up Her Butt, or whatever it is that the latest Swedish thriller is called.

Of course, Glenn doesn’t want to lose the endowment that funds the Cracker Barrel Chair that he holds, so he realizes he must provide at least some stab at documenting this wildly preposterous claim of common plans for mass sterilization. Hello, Dr. Gazoogle, can you help Glenn out here?

How common are these views? I typed “Humanity is a” into Google and the top three suggestions were “Humanity is a virus,” “Humanity is a disease,” and “Humanity is a cancer.”

Fuck me, as my grandmother used to say. Look, if you type in “why can’t I” the first thing Google suggests is “own a Canadian.” That doesn’t mean that there is a mass movement to invade Canuckistan and enslave all of its residents. I mean, it might be fun to own a Canadian for a few days but after a few days of the Canadian trashing your kitchen while whipping up plate after plate of poutine, it would get old.

[UPDATE: Part of this joke appears to have been unconsciously purloined from the estimable TBogg. Since I read all of TBogg’s posts, I must have read this post of his before using the “own a Canadian” business. Naturally, anything I steal from TBogg would wind up being the funniest thing in my entire post.]

Realizing that this argument is perhaps — dare I say it? — retarded, Glenn latches onto another one, which of course gives us our obligatory Sadly, No! Moment™

And, as Mark Hemingway pointed out in these pages a few days ago, one need only look to the writings of President Obama’s “science czar,” John Holdren to find something similar. Seeing humanity as destructive, Holdren wrote in favor of forced abortion and putting sterilizing agents in the drinking water, and in particular of sterilizing people who cause “social deterioration.”

Sadly, No! The passages the Perfesser alludes to were selectively mined from a survey of population control methods that had been used in the past, with Holdren and his two co-authors concluding that they supported only “non-coercive” methods. So much for forced abortions. Although if anyone is interested in a gay abortion, we have a special Sadly, No deal that we can offer to our readers.

This doesn’t mean that I haven’t contemplated forced sterilization of some elements of the wingnut-o-sphere. While writing this post,for example, I had intrusive thoughts of an accidental encounter between the Perfesser’s testicles and a weed-whacker. But I also have thoughts of having sex with Ryan Kwanten and that’s not going to happen either.

ABOVE: Sher Zieve relaxes at home

You’ll be delighted to know that even though it’s Labor Day, the folks over at Renew America are laboring away and that Sher Zieve, a lovely lady near and dear to what passes for our hearts, is laboring away at having a nervous breakdown. No, seriously.

On having one’s name deleted from the internet by Obama & co

I suppose that’s better than being murdered in a park by Hitlery KKKlinton & Co, unless you were, like, a character in a William Gibson novel or something and you actually existed only as an arrangement of electrons coursing through cyberspace. In Sher’s defense, she may actually believe she is such a thing, although I think it more likely that she believes that she is the reincarnation of a the Second Duchess of York’s favorite Pomeranian.

These days, it isn’t difficult to ascertain when you are on the Obama Enemies List. Leftist bloggers will increase and become even more inarticulate (if that’s even possible) in their attacks on you when you begin disseminating too much truth, when your columns hit too close to home for a general comfort.

You know that last sentence is why we love Sher so much — she accuses Leftist bloggers of being inarticulate in sentence that, I think, would only make sense if translated back into the original Croatian.

Okay, now let me get back to the email I got from the White House this morning telling me what I’m supposed to write about Sher in this post. Oh, yes, here we are:

Yikes! One way to deal with the [sic] is to “eliminate” the voices of those who oppose the tyrant. Sadly, such is my case.

Sadly, no! (Sorry, but I had to say that.)

And such strongly seems to be the case of the techniques now utilized by the two major Internet search engines — Google and Yahoo. It appears that when they are told by The Obama to delete an opposer’s name from their files, … my name has now almost been completely deleted from Google and Yahoo is following close behind the leftist leader. Are plans to eradicate other truth-tellers on the way?

Does anyone else think that Pastor Swank is ghost-writing Sher’s columns?

For regular readers, this additional sabotage will come as no surprise. This has been occurring steadily over the past 2-3 years. I have gone from over 1.5 Million entries on each search site to — now — under 8,000 entries on Google and about 22K on Yahoo.

You’d think that the Obamatyrant would just completely excise her from the Internet unless, I suppose, this is the Internet equivalent of “death by a thousand cuts” wherein each day, as Sher googles herself, she suffers the indignity of seeing her search engine entries drop until finally. . .

Megan McAddled

---

The reason why Megan McArdle gets paid to blog at The Atlantic and I do not is that I am intellectually incapable of devising brilliant arguments like this:

For example, like a lot of evolutionary biology critiques, this one leans heavily on bonobos (at least so far).  Here’s the thing:  humans aren’t like bonobos. And do you know how I know that we are not like bonobos?  Because we’re not like bonobos.

I was, at least until now, totally unaware that an accepted argument to prove a thesis is to repeat the thesis word-for-word in italics.

Megan is blogging about bonobos themselves, rather than her usual bonobo version of economic libertarianism, because she is reviewing a book — which she admits she hasn’t even finished — on sexual anthropology. The book, Sex at Dawn, has completely scandalized her, both because of all the wild monkey sex it describes and for its suggestion that humans might not be naturally monogamous.

The authors of the book, in a post deliciously titled “Megan McArdle Really Hates Sex at Dawn,” completely and hilariously destroy the last few desiccated scraps of McArdle’s credibility

[h/t M. Bouffant]

Our widdle wingnut is all growed up! It is with some pride that we have observed the recent rise of Pamela Geller to respectable, mainstream status — after all, Sadly, No! has been covering the erstwhile Pam Atlas since at least early 2006 (and our commenters were clued in to her even earlier).

Why, it seems like just yesterday that Pam was palling around with Neo-Nazis at seedy gatherings on the ass-end of the European political fringe¹, fighting an eliminationist civil war over the dwindling crumbs of post-Katrina stupid, and revealing to a skeptical world that Barack Obama just may be — just might be — Malcolm X’s love child.

Now, thanks to newly resurgent anti-Muslim rage amongst the teatards — and its usefulness to GOP electoral chances in November — Geller finds herself the talk of the town, a sought-after commentator on the national stage as desperate media outlets seek to uncover the mystery as to why bigoted bigots are acting really bigoted out of bigotry.

Until recently, only a handful of bloggers and their readers were privy to Pam’s daily deluge of cap-locked misinformation and shrieking xenophobia. But today, like a shooting star flashing across the night sky (if said comet took several years² of flirtini-addled, spit-flecked stumbling to careen tits-first through our field of vision), she speaks to a much wider audience. Indeed, an entire nation can now read stuff like this:

ISRAEL IN OBAMA’S CROSSHAIRS: IMPOSING A DEATH SENTENCE ‘THAT ENDS AN OCCUPATION WHICH BEGAN IN 1967’

‘The purpose of these talks is clear. These will be direct negotiations between Israelis and Palestinians. These negotiations are intended to resolve all final status issues. The goal is a settlement, negotiated between the parties, that ends the occupation which began in 1967 and results in the emergence of an independent, democratic and viable Palestinian state, living side by side in peace and security with a Jewish state of Israel and its other neighbors. That’s the vision we are pursuing.’ Presdeint Obama, September 1, 2010

Spoken like a true antisemite. ‘Illegal’ occupation?

Well, no, ‘illegal’ was not a term used by Presdeint Obama in the supplied quote, though in fairness we don’t know what his doppelganger, President Obama may have said. It’s also worth noting that the ‘true anti-semites’ on the Israeli Supreme Court have ruled that the West Bank is ‘occupied’, but perhaps that’s a detail best puzzled over another day.

Or maybe you’d be interested to learn that Anti-Defamation League director Abe Foxman is actually a jihad-loving toady of Islamic supremacists? ‘Mighty classy, dhimmi,’ as Pam so politely punctuates the point.

In a victory for our national dialogue, more and more people can learn these things, thanks to Pam’s ascent to superstar status. And these days, she’s even got her own pet nebbish³!

Here’s to you, Pammy. You’ve come a Long Island way, baby!

¹ Pam back in 2007 on hanging out with Vlaams Belang, originally the pro-Nazi Dutch Vlaams Blok party: ‘Who the hell wasn’t a nazi collaborator in Europe? Puhleeeeeze.’

(Extremely) Shorter Dafydd ab Hugh, BigLizards.net
Through a Lens Darkly

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Caleb Howe (right), Caleb’s Best Friend (left)

Caleb “The Drunk Tweeter”¹ Howe, Irky Irksome’s Halfway House for Lonely White Guys with Drinking Problems
The Rhetoric of Violence

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

² For the record, I think both ThinkProgress and Caleb Howe are wrong. The gunman singled out the Discovery Network program Jon & Kate Plus 8 as the main source of his anger. Although, of course, I vigorously and unequivocally condemn the gunman’s method of expressing his disapproval, it is still, nevertheless, hard to disagree with his critical assessment of that show. The immediate fallout from the incident has been that security has been stepped up at the Culver City set where Cougar Town is taped. Bravo is also reportedly on lockdown in anticipation of similar critical outbursts against Project Runway and Real Housewives of [insert city].

Poor Debbie Schlussel. In classic ‘Two Stars, One Slot’ fashion, Pamela Geller has won the ‘Battle of the Shrieking Anti-Muslim Grating-Voiced Paranoid Jewisher-Than-Thou Prowling Cougar Drama Queens’ — leaving Debs in the dust and hurting for audience share amongst the in-with-a-chance mouth-breathing career hatist demographic.

So what’s an aging peroxide blonde Dhimmi basher to do? Why, take out her rage on proxy Pams, of course! Pointing to a video of tween Jonas Brothers fans, Debbie sneers:

When I was a teen, none of the girls I knew (including myself) were this crazy and unhinged, especially over something sooooo stupid.

Clearly, such weepy adolescent reactions to pop stars has never occurred before. Oh, wait:

Not to mention: