Sadly, No!

ABOVE: Micheal [sic] Flaherty

Shorter Micheal [sic] Flaherty, The White Male Street Journal, aka Murdoch’s Fox News on Paper
On Palin’s Reading List, C.S. Lewis

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Pope Benedict said earlier today, with respect to the Roman Catholic church’s growing pedophilia scandal, that “We must ask ourselves what was wrong in our proclamation, in our whole way of living the Christian life, to allow such a thing to happen.” Naturally, the Pope doesn’t think that the vow of celibacy has anything to do with it. Instead, of course, the Pope blames liberals for their moral relativism, the result of which is that child pornography is now “considered more and more normal by society.” (Maybe that’s true in the Vatican, but I’m not guessing it’s true anywhere else.)

If the Pope wants to ask himself about why his clergy seems to have developed a taste for teenage altar boys, perhaps he might think for a moment about this command performance for him that occurred at the Vatican a few days ago.

Not surprisingly, when the Pope stands up at the end of this, it looks like he’s pitched a tent.*

*VPR

Shorter Matthew J. “Nelly Ann” Franck, The Stanley Kaplan Post
In the gay marriage debate, stop playing the hate card

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: B. Daniel Blatt, the Allegedly Gay Patriot

B. Dan Blatt, The Gay Putztriot, December 17, 2010
Harry Reid’s Partisan Game-playing

B. Dan Blatt, The Gay Putztriot, December 18, 2010
DADT Repeal Imminent

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

[½ ht to Pupienus Maximus]

Jordan Sekulow, The Washington Post
Moral To Cut Taxes

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Victorophon Davidoros Hyanseninthosocles, America’s Shittiest Website™
In Defense of the Liberal Arts

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Me, in disguise

Just up at Undie Press is an interview that Tim Hall did with me a little while back. Although I am disguised in the picture that accompanies the interview, with a pair of undies obscuring my facial features, you can hear my real voice. I’m sure that The Nutty Associate Professor is busy trying to garner clues from the interview and the sound of my real voice so he can call my workplace and tell them that I am “truly demonic” or a “demonic gay commie” or something.

In a recent expedition to the boiler room at a vacant Burlington Coat Factory site in Lower Manhattan, Sadly, No! Research Labs unearthed what we believe to be 13 lost prophecies from the famed 16th-century apothecary Michel de Nostredame, known commonly as Nostradamus.

We are hesitant to interpret these lost quatrains ourselves, as we are primarily archaeologists and not scholars of Medieval French, but we have had them translated so that readers may decide whether the legendary seer has again miraculously identified prominent people and events centuries before their births and occurrence.

PROPHESIES OF NOSTRADAMUS, CENTURY XI, QUATRAINS 1-13

1
In the year nineteen hundred and sixty nine,
The dough shall rise to load the pants:
Each of his befuddled ravings more stupid than the last
That is central to his point

2
Tears, cries and laments, howls, terror,
Heart inhuman, cruel, black and chilly,
Callous monster, pain and weeping
Richard Bruce ‘Dick’ Cheney

3
Anchored poorly, the baby plays host to rage
Her fury borne of loathsome thoughts
A visage contorted and a lesson:
If you keep making that face, Michelle, it’s going to get stuck that way

4
The fearsome mob grows in the New Land
Gathering in ignorance to sip upon tea
Loyal pets they shall yet prove
For monied masters who hold their leash

5
Twice shall the cock crow, then thrice
Though its cry be heard til the end of days
Never in all of time or space
Shall the Virgin Ben get laid

6
Of Northern birth but a Southern confederate
Loyalties confused he fumes and raves
Inelegantly his impotent wrath is shouted
Into the wind that would steal away his Tri-Tip

7
To the Tearful One will be left the realm
Carved out by the Corpulent Jester
Throughout Teatardia will extend his banner
A deformed countryside left in its wake

8
The new Leader darkens the halls of power
The warring tribes of Caucasia unite
They ache for a return to ways of old
Because they’re total fucking racists

9
From the lengthy island shall come forth
A harpy shrieking with bosoms thrust
Vexed, her poison pen and uncouth voice
A New Caliphate secreted in the Ambassador’s mustache

10
There will appear towards the North
Not far but distant from Russian shores
A pale one, Sarah, for fame’s siren call
Forsaking sworn duties to tweet stupid shit

11
The self-styled victims strike back against their foes
A new old power is finally secured
The Hill recaptured, all is well
The bankers’ street has walls once more

12
The money-changers cringe before the September storm
A barren larder where once they gorged
In the cover of night, Libra is tipped on its side
The treasure of the many ransomed to the few

13
The three branches will be reduced to none,
The people’s voice seduced to Mammon,
The country’s wealth stolen in the night
A proud nation dies while sleeping

Shorter Megaphone With Boobs
The Theft of Ground Zero

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*In real-world reality, of course, it would certainly seem that the Pam-led freak-out over an Islamic Center’s proposed location several city blocks away from the WTC site is to blame for people’s (temporary and likely fading) association of ‘Ground Zero’ with a ‘mosque’. We doubt that Geller will ever recognize that — stuff caused by Muslims just keeps happening to her and she is forever the victim.

Brent Bozell and his butt-boy Timmy Graham are way too busy searching the Internet for uncloaked lady nipples and liberals saying “fuck” to police their own brain trust of bloggers over at Newsblusterers, which means that today we get to bust the Newsblusterers. This is almost as fun sending Tea Smarty tourists lost in DC to Anacostia in a gypsy cab. After dark.

Let’s start with Scott Whitlock. I hadn’t run across smoldering hunkster and burning tower of love Scott Whitlock at Newsblusterers before, but — hubba, hubba, hubba — here he is:

And here is what he has to say:

Hardball host Chris Matthews appeared at a local event in Washington D.C. on Thursday to trash Republican Chris Christie as too fat to be President.

You can write the rest of Whitlock’s post for him. Simply insert a Chris Matthews leg-tingle joke and you’re done

Next we come to Newsblusterer Jack Coleman, also someone I haven’t run into before at the site.

He says the Ed Schultz is “the MSNBC pundit most likely to seek a career in professional wrestling.” Get it? Nudge, nudge. Fat. Ed Schultz is fat.

Moral of the story: Liberals are fat; conservatives are husky. When conservatives talk about fat liberals, it’s just objective reporting. When liberals talk about fat conservatives, it’s a disgrace.

Of course, many will be quick to point out that there is no dearth of commentary by me and others here about the appearance of Jo-Dough Loadberg and other right-wing members of the clean plate and dirty shirt club. But, hey, this is a comedy blog, the moral equivalent of a sophomore food fight and not some place like Newsbusters where all the resident intellectual heavyweights put on their big boy pants and pretend to be engaged in some kind of rational argument about the alleged liberal infestation of the media. That leads them to recoil in horror and throw themselves on their crumb-flecked fainting couches the moment anyone suggests that Christie Christie buys his shirts from a sail maker. And yet they giggle like schoolchildren when someone calls Ed Schultz fat.

Hypocrisy — the other white meat.