ABOVE: John “Pornstache” Pitney, Jr.
Shorter John Pitney, Jr., America’s Shittiest Website™
An Etymology Lesson
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ABOVE: B. Daniel Blatt, America’s Dumbest Homosexual™
Shorter Dan Blatt, The GAY Patriot
Seeing gay people as individual human beings rather than defining us by group stereotypes
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ABOVE: Jennifer Rubin (Isn’t a caricature supposed to
be uglier than the subject?)
Shorter Jennifer Rubin, Right Turn (A Fred Hiatt Blog)
The Arizona Tragedy
Alternate Shorter Jennifer Rubin, Right Turn (A Fred Hiatt Blog)
The Arizona Tragedy
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Let’s call this a slow newsday and give everyone a recap of a conversation I overheard at the post office (in Germany you can have a bank account there since the post office also runs a bank business).
Customer: I’d like to withdraw 1,400 euros.
Employee: OK.
Customer: Can I have it in 500 euro bills? [Maximum is 500 –S,N!]
Employee: I don’t have enough for the whole amount.
Customer: How many do you have?
Employee: Two.
Customer: Oh, two is ok.
You don’t say.
In other news, I think this would be a good plugin for this blog.
From Roy’s Tumblr Blog
Everybody who comes to this site knows, or should know, Roy Edroso of Alicublog, whose facility at political snarkentary on the right wing leaves everyone else in the left-o-sphere behind in the dust. If I could come up with the stuff that Roy does, I wouldn’t have to resort to photoshopping wingnuts on toilets and the other cheap tricks that are part of my repertory. I could just, you know, write stuff and you’d nod your head and giggle and come back again and again for more.
Well, a couple of bad circumstances have ganged up on Roy and left him in not such a good place. This has prompted an Edrosothon. Most people don’t think twice about handing over money to PBS just because some craven PBS affiliate aired another Suzie Orman special or dug up another Peter, Paul and Mary wheeze-fest video from the mothballs. But giving money to an Edrosothon is a much better use of your money and goes to someone who truly deserves it. There’s a PayPal button here.
And you can read more about the Edrosothon here, here, and here.
ABOVE: Rep. Bob Goodlatte plans to read a censored version of
the U.S. Constitution on House Floor today
Why are wingnuts are all torn up about someone publishing an edition of Huckleberry Finn that censors the word “nigger,” but don’t seem to mind that the Republicans are reading in Congress today a copy of the Constitution that censors the reference to slaves as three-fifths of a person?
If you’re like me, you may have been wondering what our brutish friend Warrior has been foked on lately. Turns out he’s been scrawling words of ‘Warrior Wisdom’ on index cards and trying to sell them for $100 a pop. Some samples below:
Always believe? Fuck that pussy shit – AlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieve AlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieve AlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieve AlwaysbelieveAlwaysbelieve MOTHERFUCKAS!
Today’s Warrior Weapon of Wisdom: Have terrible body odor, really bad breath and whack off a lot — and watch the world tremble before your greatness!
Who knew that Aldous Huxley wanted our every cell to be full-blown and swollen large? Brave New World? More like Brave Goo Hurled!
YEAH! ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO MOCK ME ARE GONNA SHUT UP WHEN I’M ALL ROIDED OUT AND HAVE A MULLET AND WEAR RIDICULOUS ZUBAZ PANTS!
ABOVE: The Destrucity is strong with these ones.
We’re not sure what ‘Warrior B.A.D.’ is, but apparently enough of it is required to kick your own ass, so maybe it’s some combination of being double-jointed and having really long legs.
Free will is ‘Man’s NUMBER ONE ENEMY’? Wait, what? It’s been that way since ‘the beginning of time’, you say? Oh, alright then. Carry on. Also, it would be cool if Warrior started adding a Frida Kahlo monobrow when he draws himself in triumphant muscle scribbles.
Finally:
Ah, Jennifer Rubin. Sweet, precious, Jennifer Rubin. Ready again to amuse us, so soon? Oh yes. She writes:
Over on The Plum Line, Adam Sewer [sic] unfortunately repeats much of the misinformation concerning the New Black Panther case.
Let’s take them in order. Adam asserts: “Republican congressmen Lamar Smith and Darrell Issa are literally accusing the Obama administration of favoring ‘a political ally — the New Black Panther Party.'” This is wrong.
No, this is right (aka Sadly, No!):
Smith and Issa: “Political favoritism has no place at the Justice Department. We’ve already seen this administration dismiss one case against a political ally—the New Black Panther Party—for no apparent reason.”
Then again, it’s not like this very same letter was quoted by Jennifer a full 24 hours ago. Oh wait — it was.
Annotated Somewhat Shorter Msgr. Ross Xavier Pius Douthat, S.J., O.P., O.F.M., S.S.J., Th.D+, The New York Fucking Times Pope-Ed Page
The Unborn Paradox
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
1Ross actually uses the word “libertine,” a word not used since 1957, when it was uttered by a fictional character, Professor Harold Hill, in the musical “The Music Man.” Even then, the word was used in a way to suggest that it was a ridiculous and antiquated epithet, like “Jezebel” or “scarlet woman.” Douthat’s copy editor, upon encountering this word in Douthat’s column, tried to impale her right palm with a letter opener. She later requested, and was granted, a three-month leave of absence to be followed by reassignment to the paper’s Staten Island desk.
2Ross seems unaware that “Mad Men” takes place in the 1960s when abortion was illegal in most states.
3Always. Trust. The. Shorter.™
4Here is a poem, also from The New Yorker, which proves that Sasquatch is real.
Being a puritanical scold is difficult work, even for Timmy Graham, and not just because it cuts into cupcake time, but because sometimes one can spend hours looking for an uncovered nipple or a primetime utterance of “fuck” and come up empty handed, particularly during the holidays. Oh, but wait, lookie here, Timmy says to himself as he wipes the fudge icing off his cheeks and notices a WaPo article on teh gay. “There must be something here,” he thinks, “for me to get all blustered up about.” And there is!
So what did Timmeh find? Well, for starters, the WaPo article resorts to that typical mainstream media trick of overcounting gays. There aren’t 25,000 gays in Fairfax County, Virginia, Timmy huffs. And he should know — he’s been looking for a few gays in Fairfax Country himself and so far has only found 3 or 4, mostly in shopping mall restrooms and behind rest stops.
(If you don’t think that Timmy has likely been on the down low, watch this video. You don’t even need gaydar to pick up on the fact that Timmy buys Men’s Health just for the pictures. I mean this guy could lisp the word “banana.”)
And, of course, the article in question doesn’t spend enough time interviewing folks in Virginia whose idea of a good time would be to go into a gay bar, wrastle up a few queers, tie ’em to their pickups, and drag ’em down the road a few miles. But Timmy reserves his highest dudgeon and his firmest pearl necklace clutching for the article’s “inept religious metaphor.” You know, it’s a steep and slippery slope from inept religious metaphors to public fucking in Starbucks.
The inept religious metaphor came in comparing Virginia to DC:
Historically, of course, the center of gay nightlife in the region has been the District, where bars such as Apex, Town and Ziegfeld’s are like stations of the social cross.
At least when Post reporters like Bob Woodward referred to Hillary Clinton’s “own stations of the cross in the Whitewater investigation,” he was at least referring to suffering, and not partying. The Stations of the Cross are a primarily Catholic devotion during Lent recounting 14 events on the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem, or Christ’s carrying the cross to His death.
Well, if Tim would stop looking for gays in public restroom stalls and go to a gay bar, he might understand the suffering metaphor. I mean, I’ve been to Ziegfield’s, where most of its performers look like more zaftig versions of Mr. Graham dressed in cheap gowns and lip syncing to prehistoric disco hits. Actually, comparing Ziegfield’s to the crucifixion is mild, unless perhaps you mean being crucified upside down. (How’s that for an inept religious metaphor, Timmy?)