Sadly, No!

We were pretty busy over the weekend (hating America is a full-time job,) and as a result only had so much time to devote to watching coverage of the Iraqi elections. You can imagine our delight, then, when we found out that Roger L. Simon was doing live blogging of the Iraqi elections. We knew we had picked the right place to stop when we read the opening post:

Rivera gets a lot of bad press, but the man has guts and he has a heart. In the old days he was considered a liberal… and he still is in my book. It’s his critics who have gone the other way.

What followed were brief comments on what CNN and FOX were showing, along the lines of this:

7:12 – Back on Fox… showing people voting in Baghdad and somewhere else… so far no violence… fingers crossed.

7:15 – Sunni officials voting early to show the Sunnis that they should vote. Good idea.

Should you care to read the original, you know where to go. What we can offer you are the edited out comments Simon wanted to post, but that were removed by his editors. So we offer: Election Blogging ? la Roger Simon: The Non-Expurgated Version:

7:03 – Did you ever get the feeling like you’ve had a haircut but you didn’t have one?

7:12 – Oh damn, I forgot to buy plant food again… I’ll bet I got a coupon for it.

7:26 – It’s so great that all our hard work is paying off. And I didn’t even get injured!

7:36 – Am I the only one who finds Geraldo’s mustache to be a huge turn on?

8:14 – Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again… just when I finally memorized them.

8:23 – I wonder if Geraldo will call me that I emailed him my phone number through the Talk to Us section of his web site.

8:45 – Once this is over, I’m going to celebrate by buying a new hat.

8:57 – Do you guys think I might be Geraldo’s type?

9:04 – I bet Michael Moore is eating a lot of donuts right now.

9:12 – I don’t like the people who are on CNN talking, so I’m going to turn off my TV.

9:33 – I’m back. Some people got killed when I was away, but not enough for me to care.

9:41 – I bet Geraldo doesn’t have to use AbsorbShun to feel big.

9:49 – I can’t stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don’t call. Why do they do that?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005:

Bush Urges Iraqis to Vote, Lowers Expectations

Sunday, January 30, 2005:

Rice: Iraqi Election Tops Expectations

Thanks to Blair for the links.

Until we solve that little problem, we invite you to check out the following:

Hairy Fish Nuts’ Pissing in the Corner post. Enough said.

busy, busy, busy and The SideShow take a look at Charles Krauthammer’s latest work.

Adam Yoshida 2.0 (now with comments!) is still going strong. Try to imagine, if you can, that Adam wrote the following:

But, to put it bluntly: sitting on your ass and whining about it isn’t going to do anything. I recently read a list of complaints field by something called the “Parents’ Television Council” which, so far as I can tell, is a group of eighty-something women in tennis shoes watching television shows in a desperate, grasping effort to determine how many times the word “dick” is uttered. It’s a complete waste of time.

More from us later today…

Scott Captain Micro-Penis Koss and Cynthia Her Lady of the Moisture Koss apparently lack a sense of humo(u)r. In the comments to this post, Audra writes:

Just so you know, I started the whole shit storm with this entry and now the AbsorbShun people are threatening to sue me.

Wait until they find out what Annie Jacobsen has been writing about them!

Being the shameless publicity whores that we are, we figure there’s no better way to drum up a little business than being sued by a man with a small penis. (Hey, look what that threat of a suit by Donald Luskin did for Atrios!) With that in mind, we sent a link to this post to Scott “I was in the pool” Kass and Cynthia “Why does it shrink” Kass. This should be fun.

Mark H. Creech writes:

Since the President made those remarks, the left has had what D. James Kennedy on a broadcast of Scarborough Country referred to as a “collective conniption.” […]

Andrew Sullivan, editor of The New Republic, accused the president of changing the Republican Party “into a semi-religious organization.”

The editor? The left? Happily, No!

Extra bonus points: Mark missed a perfect opportunity to use our line:

But were the president’s remarks terribly removed from the statements of previous presidents? Were they far removed from our nation’s heritage? Sadly, No! Hardly.

Pity that.

It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in water, and is one of the deadliest poisons known to man:

If I use AbsorbShun natural powder, is it safe to have oral sex?
Yes, your partner may notice a powder taste, however it is not harmful since AbsorbShun is 100% natural. AbsorbShun is NOT dangerous or harmful if consumed.

World O’Crap has all the juicy details. (Note to the COE: Please send the Ribbon of Shame to the usual address.)

Good news everybody: Justin Darr is coming out of the closet!

The facts in America today are that homosexuals have been elevated to be America’s Super Citizens, above the law to the point where their psychological need for acceptance trounces even the most basic Constitutional rights of others.

Super citizens?

I’m super
No, nothing bugs me
Everything is super when you’re
Don’t you think I look cute in this hat
These little pants, this matching tie
That I got at Vogue

ok, maybe they’re not that super.

What people chose to do in their bedrooms should be a private matter unless they are homosexual, then their sexual choices should be taught in the public schools, celebrated in the media, and warrant preferential treatment in the workplace.

This sounds familiar:

Now, old woman — you are accused of heresy on three counts — heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action — *four* counts. Do you confess?

Let us go back to the bedrooms:

What people chose to do in their bedrooms should be a private matter unless they are homosexual, then their sexual choices should be taught in the public schools, celebrated in the media, and warrant preferential treatment in the workplace.

We’re not the first to ask, and we’d guess we’ve even asked that question before, but what schools are wingnuts attending where homosexuality is “taught?”

The duplicity and elitism of the homosexual activists is undeniable. They see the law as something applying to others, but never themselves.

Which explains why homosexuals are always going around pillaging while singing Everybody Dance Now. This was another case busted wide open by Justin — thank you, Justin. Hey, we wish we had a pencil-thin mustache, then we could solve some mysteries too.

For those interested in such things, our new undisclosed occupation requires us to interact with our employer’s customers, which means that we sometimes get emails like this:

I just want to say that your company suck.

Sadly, being required to be somewhat polite prevents us from replying with gems such as:

So do your English.

Luckily, there is Sadly, No!

When we launched the Festivus Caption Contest in 2003, we had no idea what kind of trouble we might be getting into:

OCALA, Florida (AP) — Two boys were arrested for making pencil-and-crayon stick figure drawings depicting a 10-year-old classmate being stabbed and hung, police said. The children, charged with a felony, were taken from school in handcuffs.

The 9- and 10-year-old boys were arrested Monday and charged with making a written threat to kill or harm another person. They were also suspended from school.

Arrested. Yes, arrested.

Thanks to Blair for the link.

Well, after many humiliating defeats, we smell a real opportunity for redemption. The kind people of A Fistful Euros have launched the first ever Satin Pajama Awards. Sadly, No! (“by Seb”) has been nominated. (Scroll down to Best Humorous [yes, humoroUs!] Blog, have a shot, forget about Chase me ladies, I’m in the cavalry being nominated, and vote for us.) Then, delete your cookies, access the nearest anonymous proxy, and vote again.

Together, we can live the dream. Because the idea of winning popularity contests has not, multiple defeats notwithstanding, been debunked. It is totally bunk. Go!