Sadly, No!

First it was AbsorbShun. Then came (har!) SPUR-M.

And now it’s time we go back to our roots — vaginas:

Being over the age of 14, I know a thing or two about women, and about vaginas.

Now that would be a contestant for the Who Said It? game! Did anyone guess Kyle Williams? The answer is… Steve Pudlo!

Which brings us to the latest fad in the feminist lexicon: The Vagina Monologues. The play doesn’t identify women as women, but as vaginas, as if the two terms are interchangeable. They aren’t. A woman has a brain, a vagina doesn’t. A woman can appreciate beauty, a vagina can’t. A woman can think, reason, laugh, play, scold, frown and frolic – a vagina is merely a smallish subset of the above.

A woman can’t bear to have contact with Jonah Goldberg. A vagina can.

One method of testing the sensibility of a concept is to see if it works on the flip side. Imagine, if you will, the “Penis Monologues”? Imagine men being reduced to their penises? They aren’t men any more, simply penises. And imagine a bunch of guys standing up talking about their anatomy. Can you really imagine anything so puerile? So silly? So boring?

Yes, America can!* And if Puppetry of the Penis won’t do it for you, The Corner has an abundant supply of dicks (K-Lo’s is the biggest.)

Dear readers, do you believe in miracles? Is there a god in your world? A god… of comedy setup lines?

As for me, I’ve seen enough vaginas. And I’m gonna keep my $15 and maybe buy my lady a little something to show her how much she means to me.

May we recommend this?

If you feel too wet, just dust your man?s penis with a little AbsorbShun (try about a half teaspoon) and continue making love. Be careful not to use too much. You?ll feel the difference in just a minute or two. You can have the wetness and tightness you want by how much and how often you use AbsorbShun. It’s that simple!

Bonus points: Here is Steve, shortly before he appeared on Pimp My Ride.

* Alternate bonus joke: Isn’t that what Fox & Friends is all about?

Thanks to Steve at No More Mister Nice Blog for the link.

In response to Instapundit’s latest:

Academics are supposed to be skeptical and questioning, even about their own societies. But there’s a big difference between being skeptical — which requires actual thought — and being adversarial, which requires only contradiction. [Emphasis added]

We can provide the former:

Man: Look this isn’t an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn’t, it’s just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn’t.
Man: Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: No I didn’t.
Man: Ooh, you did!

Roy Edroso provides the latter:

Which would those be? Why, the elitist ones, of course: what place has elitism in an institution of higher learning? One can see the torch glimmering in his hand as the Perfesser points out to the pointy-heads that he has a whole army of citizens behind him who will happily supply them with a list of permissible attitudes and subjects for discussion:

It can’t be easy being an idiot, and writing an entire column based on an urban legend. Then again, if you’re the world’s foremost authority on Target, some things come pretty easily. Several days after a bunch of people (including us, damnum absque injuria and snopes) debunked the German unemployed to the brothel story, here is James Lileks in the Washington Times:

The German welfare system may be generous, but it’s not run by idiots. Turn down a good job, and you get your benefits cut. But here’s the rub, literally: The Germans decriminalized prostitution, which means brothels are now legitimate businesses. According to the British newspaper the Telegraph, at least one job seeker has been forced to choose: Work in a brothel or lose your goodies.

Having found a fictional account to justify a column of nothings, Lileks hits cruising speed all too quickly:

There you have the two extremes of the Muslim world and the West: the burqa or the thong. Take off your clothes, you’re stoned. Keep them on, and you forfeit your pension contributions.

It’s a facile comparison, of course, but not entirely useless. [Oh yes it is!] It does seem Europe often goes backward in the name of the brave new future. Two nations, on the other hand, have shown the world that Muslim-dominated states can head in the right direction after all ? if they’re given a little help. And by “help” we mean invasion and occupation, alas.

Bummer about the bombing to smithereens, old chap!

Still, it beats the alternative. In the past, “help” meant credits to the various butchers, autocrats, sheiks and nicely suited Nazis who ran the region. If you gave the president enough loans, he would buy French missiles and Chinese artillery, hold conferences at splendid hotels built by German firms, and distribute the kickbacks with a fair and just hand. [Emphasis added.]

Well, good thing only the Europeans and Chinese play footsies with tyrants.

Ask Howard Dean, who remarked at a recent New York City fund-raiser that he “hated the Republicans and everything they stand for.” Hmm. Like elections in Afghanistan and Iraq?

The Republican Party stands for elections in Afghanistan and Iraq? If only. Truth is: Sadly, No! You want to know the kinds of things Howard might have in mind? Why not read the official platform of the Republican Party of Texas?

Elsewhere: Reports from North Korea suggest the regime is in trouble, as some factions realize a country is ill-served by a leader who blows the national light-bulb budget on gilt-edged toilet paper.

North Korea? In trouble? Did you know that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead?

Thanks to World O’Crap for the link.

PS: In unrelated news: We’ve added Crooks and Liars to the blogroll. Say hello and don’t piss on the carpet.
In unrelated, unrelated news, we have 50 [WTF?!?] gmail invites. Leave a comment if you want one.

On the topic of Michael Medved’s memoirs, James Wolcott writes:

I wasn’t aware Medved’s life was controversial; perhaps he mistakes a nation’s indifference for indignation […]

In the last graf, Stein writes, “Even many of his readers who hold very different political and social views will concede, grudgingly, the quality of Medved’s intellect.”

Like fuck we will…

Via Atrios:

In Omaha on Friday, a divorced single mother named Mary Mornin tells the president, “I have one child, Robbie, who is mentally challenged, and I have two daughters.”

“Fantastic,” the president exclaims, and he tells her she has “the hardest job in America, being a single mom.”

Meanwhile:

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No, we used to allow only blacks, but dude again due to a lack of participation we had to make our organization more inclusive. We now allow white people, and we?re encouraging even the Hispanic community to give us a look.

Lionel Osborne : That is fantastic!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : Yeah we had to change the rules a little because we had got into a lot of fight with financial support from organizations like the Maryknoll Sisters and the Mount Olive Lutheran Church of Racine, Wisconsin.

Lionel Osborne : Fantastic! [ Turns to camera ] If you?re joining us it’s 4:47 in the A.M and you’re watching “Perspectives”. I?m your host Lionel Osbourne, and my guest today is Abdul Kareem Gaines, founder of the “The Brotherhood for Responsible Brothers who are Fathers”. They’re celebrating their first anniversary this week, which will be held at Abdul?s apartment. Everyone is welcome to attend and anyone can join!

Abdul Kareem Gaines : No Asian!

Lionel Osborne : That’s fantastic! Now are you a father Abdul?

Normal Service Resumed — The George Bush the nation re-elected is back.

Just shut up. You had me at freedom.

As always, thanks to busy, busy, busy for the inspiration.

JB Williams could use your help:

Not liberals, not conservatives, nobody has been able to fully balance the national budget since our national debt began more than 60 years ago. […] The federal budget can not be balanced because there is not enough money in America to pay for everything someone?s constituent wants. [Emphasis added, delusions in the original.]

Nobody? Behold the Clenis!

WASHINGTON (CNN) — President Clinton announced Wednesday that the federal budget surplus for fiscal year 2000 amounted to at least $230 billion, making it the largest in U.S. history and topping last year’s record surplus of $122.7 billion.

Don’t call now though, because JB has decided to out-stupid every single fuckstick ever figured on Sadly, No!:

So that liberals can be free to sleep with whoever they want, we have to pay for AIDS.

Is that a wingnut, or what?

Want to “prevent” the next 9/11? Easy, remove terror as a means of political discourse in the world…

Want to feel like you have a big penis? Easy, use AbsorbShun!

Those now classified in America as “the rich”, (making more than $50,000 a year), find themselves living on roughly half of what they actually earn in order to fund a government that liberals have made responsible for all their self-inflicted ills.

Those making over $50,000 a year are classified as the rich? Rush Limbaugh did that. As for the tax liability of someone declaring a taxable income of $50,000, let’s just say that the answer to JB’s claim is best summed up as… Sadly, No!

[Added link to JB — thanks to apostropher]

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This post is dedicated to reaching the bottom of the barrel and continuing to dig.

First, James Wolcott did it. Then it was Matthew Yglesias. And now? Now, ESPN is doing it:

Spivey (Atlanta): Is Belichick wearing his sweatshirt with the hoody?

Buzzmaster: (1:29 p.m.) Sadly, no.

JERRY: I see that Ziggy’s back at the complaint department. “The New Yorker is stealing my ideas.” See that’s funny… because it’s real.

Thanks to Michael for the link.

They will whack at it (or wank it up,) until they’re left with, well, nothing. Reacting to this story:

A 25-year-old waitress who turned down a job providing “sexual services” at a brothel in Berlin faces possible cuts to her unemployment benefit under laws introduced this year.

Living on the Edge writes:

The Joys of Socialism!
So you want all those yummy European social programs here in the U.S.A?

scrawlville.com adds:

And Europe is better than the US because….
Woman told to take job as prostitute or risk losing benefits

Unions-Firms-Markets wins the prize for cranking up the hyperbole while knowing shit about the topic:

The link above will bring readers to an article about a disturbing trend [!] in Germany where women who turn down working in brothels are being denied unemployment benefits under Germany’s new unemployment laws.

Really?

Well, it’s Tuesday… and we just want to say… Sadly, No! The article quotes three people by name, including Hamburg lawyer Mechthild Garweg. A story like, we figured, would get some coverage in the German-speaking press. It did, sort of:

“There exists the danger that women will be forced to work as prostitutes if they don’t want to see their unemployment benefits cut” according to Mechthild Garweg. [Our translation]

Did you read that? There exists the danger. Does that sound like “a disturbing trend?” Does Sadly, No! seem like a good answer? What about various government officials, did they have anything to say in that one story we could find?

No one will be compelled to work as a sex worker if they do not want to,” says Ulrich Waschki. [Our translation]

Ah.

“We are not sending anyone to do immoral work” [-sittenwidrige, anyone have a better translation?] according to Olaf M?ller.

Der Standard (Austria) adds:

For the lawmakers prostitution is no longer immoral, but for the unemployment offices it still is.

The joys of socialism? Europe sucks? Disturbing trends?

Sadly, No!

Snopes has more.