Shorter Jo-Dough Loadberg, America’s Shittiest Website™
America’s Least Plausible Populist
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
When Sadly, No! fave Don “Jim Bob” Surber takes down a post after being given a little too much attention from the Sadly, Nauts, I would probably otherwise leave him alone to nurse his wounded pride on pork skins and moonpies in the solitude of the leaky shack he calls home. But, sadly, I just can’t. Not when he posts something called “Correcting Kristof” and he is, in fact, as wrong as a Catholic priest in a boys locker room.
What has our Plato of Poca all fired up is a Kristof column about Republicans being on the warpath “against family planning programs at home and abroad.” To illustrate the consequences of not having available family planning abroad, Kristof tells the story of a Somali woman who died in childbirth.
In comes Super Surber for the kill:
And on and on he goes.
Not once in his column does he mention Planned Parenthood.
There’s a reason for that.
Planned Parenthood does not have an office in Somalia.
Er, Jim Bob, the reason that Kristof doesn’t mention Planned Parenthood is because HE ISN’T TALKING ABOUT PLANNED PARENTHOOD, a possibility you might have considered before dribbling ketchup and spittle on the front of your K-Mart overalls. Because, you see, Jim Bob, Planned Parenthood is not the only U.S. program funding international family planning activities. There’s the mysteriously secretive organization called USAID, which also funds family planning activities overseas. And the Repubs cut the agency’s reproductive health and family planning from $648 million to $575 million. That’s what Kristof is talking about.
The reason, Don, you have no chance at a Pulitzer ever is not because you’re a particularly unphotogenic right-wing extremist. It’s because you’re dumber than a wrecked Chevy on cinder blocks.
ABOVE: Don Surber (left) and his editor.
Shorter Don “Jim Bob” Surber, The Charlstun Newzpapur:
Obama Lied, Osama Died
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ABOVE: Jim “Sexy Beast” Hoft
“UNREAL!” screams the Hoft post headline. Uh, oh, I think, this must be really good. Well, it’s not only unreal but …
This ought to make you sick…
Sheez, I say, preparing myself for the worst. Let me get a plastic bucket over here.
This ought to make you sick…
The official Obama policy:Photos of dead US soldiers – Good.
Photos of dead Osama Bin Laden – Bad.
Good lord, man. What’s going on? Is Obama posting photos of U.S. soldiers with gory head wounds on the White House website? Is he telling the Pentagon to send pictures of wounded corpses to the networks for the evening news? Because, you know, if he is, well . . .
In February 2009, his second month in office, Barack Obama changed official policy to allow photos of dead US soldiers.
That can’t be.! How could he? It even says so in the article that Hoft links.
The Obama administration has decided to open the gates of Dover. In a policy to be unveiled today, Pentagon officials told reporters, Defense Secretary Robert Gates — the only holdover from the Bush administration — will announce that news photos of flag-draped coffins will be allowed, as long as families agree.
That’s it. I’m voting for Trump. Oh, wait . . .
… news photos of flag-draped coffins will be allowed …
There really is no reason to ask, at this point, if Hoft could really be this stupid. Nor should it really come as a big surprise that you can find someone with an even more profound and heartbreaking intellectual disability in his comments section:
THis is a madman in office, a lunatic Jihadi, who probably saved Osama in the raid
In fact, Osama is now comfortably ensconced in the Lincoln Bedroom and on Monday will be appointed the Chief Justice of the new Sharia law judicial system that Osama is creating to replace the current one.
Roy notes the passing of Arthur Laurents, reminding me that I should listen to this more often:
Andrew Malcolm, a political blogger for the L.A. Times whose only qualification seems to have been a year as press flack for Laura Bush, enters the sweepstakes for what GOP operative can make the most ridiculous arguments to discount Obama’s role in the demise of Osama Bin Laden with the post having the headline pictures above. The hilariously garbled headline accusing Obama of “misteaks” and “cnofsuoin” (Mr. Pot, meet Mr. Kettle) is just the beginning.
Without a body, how could President Obama prove that he was The One who brought Osama sudden justice without the burden of time-consuming civil trials …?
So, although it meant only nine holes of weekend golf instead of 18, Obama OKd a May commando raid, as long as he could still attend the White House Correspondents Assn. dinner to mock that jerk Donald Trump.
So, let’s see. According to this Bush shill, Obama ordered the commando raid for his own political benefit provided that it wouldn’t interfere with his golf game or his social schedule. I guess that once the L.A. Times hired Jonah Goldberg as a columnist there really was no longer a limit on the fabrications that it will permit its writers to put in their columns and blog posts.
Reactions to the death of Osama bin Laden at the hand of US forces were varied — from the jubilation of impromptu crowds celebrating in front of the White House and at Ground Zero to the shock and relief experienced by family members of his victims to concerns about a short-term spike in terrorist activity resulting from the al-Qaeda leader’s execution.
A minority took a very different approach, poking at the tea leaves to try to divine a way for the news to be very, very bad for Barack Obama. Now that’s outside-the-box thinking — this wouldn’t be most people’s first reaction upon learning that the current president’s troops had succeeded at accomplishing a major military goal left unaccomplished by his predecessors.
And to be fair, it wasn’t Pam Geller’s either. She did manage to get through a full sentence before bashing Obama:
Breaking -= FOX News is reporting that Muslim leader Osama Bin Laden is dead and that the US has his body. Obama to address the nation, I hope he doesn’t get choked up …
And really, a big news day like this would be difficult for anyone. How to balance gloating over the death of a monster, scoring political points and collectively blaming hundreds of millions of co-religionists for the actions of a tiny few?
Pam’s method — mix n’ match — is as good as any, we suppose.
Gd bless the US military. We killed him. Oorah!
I hope Muslims are dancing in the streets in America. No? Or has CAIR filed a lawsuit?
The 300 million or so non-Muslim Americans who didn’t take to the streets to dance a jig last night all had a legitimate excuse — fallen arches, they were washing their hair, etc.
UPDATE: The teleprompter is speaking *yawn* The teleprompter is taking credit for the killing. Every other word is I.
‘We are not at war with Islam.’
‘He was not a Muslim Leader’Sheesh …….. the man is insane.
Insanity, as they say, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. How many times does Obama have to appear on television before he figures out that Pammycakes is not a fan?
UPDATE: Crowds of cheering Americans gathered outside the White House in Washington DC, chanting ‘USA, USA.’ Not a burka in the crowd.
Nary a cowboy hat, neither. Why do rodeo clowns hate America?
Meanwhile, Atlas commenter ParahSalin finds the cloud at the heart of the silver lining:
Good riddance. Only about 200 million to go.
Genocide — it’s what’s for dinner!
Shorter Michelle Bachmann
Speech to New Hampshire Republicans
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ABOVE: Mona Charen’s homage to Nancy Sinatra
Shorter Mona Charen, America’s Shittiest Website™
A Wedding: Not Just For Royals
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Everything Andy says would make more sense if said
while he was wearing a pink bunny suit
Andy McCarthy, J.D., America’s Shittiest Lawyer™, America’s Shittiest Website™
Al-Qaeda, Yes; DOMA, No
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™