Sadly, No!

Well, it’s time once again to offend whatever remaining readers we might have. Merely a day after discussing Dennis Prager’s “ridig heterosexuality,” it’s time to talk cock:

Do you have a Massive Cock?

As long as it doesn’t experience shrinkage.

Reward yourself with a Personalized kit or compliment a friend or husband!

Sounds just like the thing for our good friend Frederick. Or Ann Coulter.

Impress your friends!! Entice the women !! Show them that you’re one of the big men in town.

Spend $20 on this amazing product now!!

A Personalized* Laminated Cock I.D. Card
* Your first name or Nickname of your Cock

What would be a good nickname for a cock?

While our distinguished colleagues are taking a closer look (the horror!) at Dennis Prager, there is a short passage worth a closer, closer look:

Since we both agree that largely whom we have sex with and sexual behavior generally are culturally determined, the only question is:

The only question is: how come we haven’t slept with Ana Beatriz Baroz yet if that’s true?

Although S.Z. excerpted it in today’s Townhall Review, I really think Dennis Prager’s latest column deserves a closer look:

So the most important reason to ban gay marriage is so Dennis doesn’t have to think about other people having icky gay sex. I think he should title his next column “Cooties and the Subversion of Judeo-Christian Values.”
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While over at The Rant (a.k.a., Sadly, No!’s source for material when we’re out of ideas) a couple of days ago, I stumbled upon a column by Alan Burkhart called “God, Government and Guarantees.” And as I read the column, I realized that it was, far and away, the stupidest thing ever written.

Seriously, this sucker has everything. We’re talkin’ botched economics. We’re talkin’ inept, Groganesque metaphors. We’re even talkin’ bizarre conspiracy theories that accuse the Republican Party of advancing Communism.

Were I to review such a monstrosity by myself, I’d be driven to complete madness, just like pianist David Helfgott when he tried to play Rachmoninoff’s 3rd concerto.

I decided to recruit a panel of bloggers to help with this Herculian task, including my totally heterosexual blog partners Gavin and Seb, and, for balance, Adam Yoshida (yes, that Adam Yoshida). Now, if you dare, click below the fold to read the terrifying wingnutty horror of Alan Burkhart’s “God, Government and Guarantees.”
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Kaye Grogan unleashes a zoo of metaphors:

You roar like “lions” at the first sign of trouble, and then you run like kittens up a tree cowering ? until the heat in the kitchen has cooled. Instead of sticking up for your colleagues you throw them into the lion’s den and haul freight! In other words ? you look like a bunch of shaking rattles!

Woof.

If I were a politician ? I would sock it to em’ punch for punch. Turning the other cheek in politics is like throwing a chicken in the direction of a fox.

Are you ready for Kaye’s Rock em’ Sock em’ politics?

Let’s face it, politics has always been “down and dirty” ? but now the feuding is getting downright “unbearable.” The snarling can be heard for miles.

They’re not booing, they’re snarling.

The can of worms is now opened and on the move.

Hello Kaye? Is your refrigerator running? (Or: That can of worms is going places!)

Frying pans and euthanasia . . . strange association

And that’s just my medication!

It’s been a while since Pastor Swank wrote one of his biographical essays, so “Pastor Swank’s Story Hour” is on hiatus until further notice.

*sniff*

However, the good pastor has provided us with this rousing account of George W. Bush’s “freedom spread” extending all the way to Nepal:

Yes, the people of Nepal, who are mostly agrarian and have an unemployment rate of 47%, were inspired by Bush launching a war for faulty reasons to rise up and overthrow their tyrannical king.

Of course, that ain’t what’s happening.
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Following up on S.Z.’s report about Ann Coulter’s latest “I got pied because I’m an oppressed minority” column, I got an exciting e-mail from David Horowitz today with the subject heading “Radicals Pied Me in Indiana.” He also sent me this swell picture of himself smeared with chocolate:

Wah, wah, waaaaaaah!
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Via the American Family Association, we learn that Vicki Courtney, author of such classics as Your Girl: Raising a Godly Daughter in an Ungodly World, is publishing her own “magazine-style book” for teen girls, called TeenVirtue!

While I doubt TeenVirtue will surpass Focus on the Family’s Brio Magazine as the premier mag for fundamentalist teenage girls, I think it’s definitely got potential.

Let’s check out a sample article posted on Vicki’s website:

A common question we get at our events from Christian girls is this:

Q: All my friends are getting their belly button pierced but my parents won’t let me. I don’t understand what the big deal is- I mean, they let me get my ears pierced. What’s the big difference?

A: There is not a Bible verse that says, “Thou shalt not pierce thy belly button…”

Really? I thought the belly button commandment was right after the part where God smites a bunch of Israelites for getting rub-on tattoos…
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…I think Mr. Smith’s gonna be right behind Doug in the brain injection line:

The Minuteman Project has been the subject of all sorts of hyperventilating hysteria but it seems that border crossings have dropped incredibly. The leftist media has been trying to sell the image that American civilians are a bunch of standard “gun nut” lunatics who will shoot first and let the buzzards stick around to answer the questions and care for the corpses…

Just like our own jailed convicts, the illegals care nothing about government functionaries and have a much greater fear of armed homeowners and private property protectors.

So apparently, jailed convicts have nothing to fear from government functionaries, especially the government functionaries who arrested them and threw them in jail.

No, the only way to stop jailed convicts (and illegal immigrants, who are just as bad) is to have a bunch of armed homeowners blow them away and let the buzzards answer the questions asked by government functionaries whom nobody cares about.

…Doug Patton will be first in line to receive his shot:

We have taxes on our earned income, capitol gains taxes on our investments, and taxes on virtually everything we use for work or play…

Meanwhile, an underground cash economy of drugs, prostitution, pornography and other vices thrives in America, with its purveyors contributing little or nothing to the overall operation of the country. Foreign tourists travel to the United State every year, leaving behind nothing for the federal coffers, which are left to us — we, the people — to fill with the first fruits of our labor.

Yeah, screw those foreign tourists who come to America, spend money on our goods and services, and raise our GDP. They may say they’re just here to “see the sights,” but don’t be fooled- their diabolical plot to drape a burqa over the Statue of Liberty is well under way.