Sadly, No!

You know what you want to read right now? Of course you do. You want to read Mark Noonan’s views on bestiality:

Yet Another “Last Taboo”

By Mark Noonan at 07:21 AM

This was inevitible and, indeed, predicted quite a long time ago by we social conservatives – and we were shouted down back then because, supposedly, our “slipperly slope” argument was absurd. No one, we were assured, would ever treat things like this as other than the abominations they are:

PARK CITY, Utah — “Zoo” is a documentary about what director Robinson Devor accurately characterizes as “the last taboo, on the boundary of something comprehensible.” But remarkably, an elegant, eerily lyrical film has resulted.

OK, long story short: some director makes a film about bestiality. A critic in Florida praises it. Mark decides that this is part of some grand liberal design to get our grubby genitals inside his German shepherd’s tail.

[Gavin adds: So wait. ‘Slippery slope’ argument: If we let gays get married, then soon enough, before you know it, some director will make a documentary about bestiality? Aieee!1]

For the record, I think Noonan’s initial point about bestiality is sound. I know this will spark outrage among our pro-bestiality moral relativist readership, but I think having sex with animals is pretty disgusting, not to mention highly abusive to the animals.

But as he is wont to do, Mark can’t just be accidentally right one time and leave well enough alone. No, he has to expand his argument and make it so completely fucking insane that you actually start sympathizing with the sick bastard who diddles his cat. Check it:

Some years ago there was a debate over corporeal punishment – flogging, as it were. The particular issue at that time was whether or not the government of Singapore was right in flogging a pinhead of a teenager (who happened to be American) who had vandalised some cars. As for me, I took the view then – and hold to it now – that when an offense doesn’t merit death or a long prison term, it might be better to deal out 20 or 50 lashes as opposed to locking someone up for 3 to 5 years at a large charge to the taxpayer. Men who have sex with animals – and directors who make “strange and strangely beautiful” films about them are, in my view, prime candidates for a whipping. Much as we might like to kill such nauseating people, that doesn’t fit the crime – and why should the taxpayers have to foot a bill for incarcerating such perverts and their documentarians? A whipping it should be – and we should set about it as swiftly as possible.

Uh, yeah Mark. I think the next GOP candidate for president should make beating up pig-fuckers a cornerstone of his platform. Because it’s such a huge problem nationwide that must be dealt with.

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Wanna hear something funny? “Reverse racism.” Ha ha, I know, but keep reading as Burt Prelutsky retells this hoary old standard:

Most whites in this country are not racist. In their heart, they agree with black comedian Chris Rock when he says, “I love black people, but I hate niggers,� even if they themselves are not allowed to make such an honest declaration.

Yikes, Burt. That’s not so much an “honest declaration” as an illuminative one. Whenever I hear someone repeat that bit, I think to myself: “I’ll bet that person’s kind of an asshole, and probably a racist. They also need some new comedy tapes.”

Burt Prelutsky: “I’m not a racist, but…”

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Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy:

Fatima Ali was a 24-year-old divorcee with no high school diploma and no job. Shawket al-Rubae was a 34-year-old Shiite sheik with a pregnant wife who, he said, could not have sex with him.

Ali wanted someone to take care of her. Rubae wanted a companion.

They met one afternoon in May at the house he shares with his wife, in the room where he accepts visitors seeking his religious counsel. He had a proposal. Would Ali be his temporary wife? He would pay her 5,000 Iraqi dinars upfront — about $4 — in addition to her monthly expenses. About twice a week over the next eight months, he would summon her to a house he would rent.

The negotiations took an hour and ended with an unwritten agreement, the couple recalled. Thus began their “mutaa,” or enjoyment marriage, a temporary union believed by Shiite Muslims to be sanctioned by Islamic law.

Let’s stop being polite and culturally sensitive about this. This is basically prostitution with (slightly) better job security. The fact that it’s endorsed by a patriarchal, backward religious law don’t change it from what it is.

The Shiite practice began 1,400 years ago, in what is now Iraq and other parts of the region, as a way to provide for war widows.

Which, in a perverse way, makes sense for the time. The concept of pensions hadn’t quite caught on yet back then.

Banned by President Saddam Hussein’s Sunni-led government, it has regained popularity since the 2003 U.S.-led invasion of Iraq brought the majority Shiites to power, said clerics, women’s rights activists and mutaa spouses.

“During Saddam’s time, there was no religious freedom,” said Faris al-Shareef, a sheik who lives in the mainly Shiite city of Hilla.

“Yes, during Saddam’s time we were not free to use our religion as an excuse to git us some hoooooooooez!”

Gavin adds: Dude, it says he lives in the manly Shiite city of Hilla. Don’t hate on the game of tha manly killaz from Hilla. Oh, ‘mainly.’ Never mind; sorry.

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Hell of a game. Cripes. That was an amazing game.

Tip of the cap to Peyton Manning. He single-handedly lead his team down the field to victory tonight. The bastard was down 20-3 in the first half and he simply torched us and led the Colts to their first Super Bowl since Johnny Unitas was under center taking snaps. Damn.

OK, Peyton, now that you’ve exorcised your New England demons once and for all it’s time to win this thing. I mean it, you bastard. You had better win it in two weeks’ time. No excuses. You’re the best quarterback of our generation (sorry, Mr. Brady, you’re a very very close second), and it’s time to step up and win the big one.

UPDATE: I just want to say that I’m actually glad that we lost to an excellent team like the Colts and not a bunch of pathetic bitches like the Chargers. The fact that the Pats made it this far is a tribute to the overall skill and talent of the Pats’ organization and coaching staff. Indy simply had a better team this year. Peyton is (as I’ve said) one of the best quarterbacks I’ve ever seen, and I hope he wins it all this year.

OK, I’m drunk and ready to go to bed. Night, all 🙂

Welp, the Saints are certainly tankin’ it right now. In a way, I’m glad the Bears are beating them now, ’cause if New England had beaten them in the Super Bowl, the Pats would forever be America’s most hated team. Not that they aren’t the most hated team right now, but beating America’s Darlings would have launched them into Benedict Arnold/Julius Rosenberg/Osama bin Laden territory.

Also, you’ll notice that I haven’t talked a lot of smack about any of the teams in the playoffs this year. That’s because:

a.) I’m not really a smack-talker in general.
b.) I know the Patriots have some serious flaws that a smart team can easily expose. (Hint to the Colts: running up the gut is an exercise in futility. Use your stretch play and use it often.)

I think the Pats will take this game because I don’t think Indy’s run defense is nearly as good as it’s played over the past couple of weeks. That said, if Peyton’s on his game, it doesn’t matter how badly the defense sucks- we’re just gonna lose.

We’ll see. I’m about to head out to the bar to watch, but feel free to taunt me in the comments if the Patriots blow it. Really. I’m a big boy. I can take it. RAWK!!!

Leaving aside the merits (or lack of) of the case, we’ve never seen anyone treat tampering and destroying evidence quite like this. Live from Renew America’s Chip McLean:

The story of Border Patrol agents Jose Alonso Compean and Ignacio Ramos is probably known to you by now [link], The agents made a procedural mistake in the aftermath, by gathering and disposing of the spent shell casings. Because they didn’t believe they had injured Aldrete-Davila, they didn’t mention the shooting in their report. [Emphasis added, criminal activity in the original].

A procedural mistake [Interrobang]. Is there anything that isn’t allowed when dealing with a foreigner? [Sadly, No!]

Mike Stark is going to be on Reliable Sources today from 10:30-11 am to debate our old pal Dan Riehl. I expect a smackdown of epic proportions.

Above: Mike Stark will he in ur base. He will be killing ur d00dz.

Because I’m trying to avoid doing work tonight, I thought I’d update my list of top wingnut welfare mamas:

-Jonah Goldberg
-Dinesh D’Souza
-Ben Domenech
-Ben Shapiro
-Atlas Pam
-Michelle Malkin
-Bill Kristol
-Armstrong “I love No Child Left Behind! Now where’s my check?” Williams
-Mark Noonan
-Star Parker (only one on the list to go from real welfare to wingnut welfare… quite a journey)
-George W. Bush
-David Horowitz
-Mary Katharine Ham
-Fred Barnes
–George C. Deutch, Bush’s pro-creationism NASA appointee
-Daniel Pipes
-John Podheretz
–Jay Hallen, the 24-year-old with no financial experience who was hired by the CPA to rebuild the Iraqi stock market

Quite a list we got so far. I’ll say right now that Jonah and D’Souza are total locks for the final top ten. Everything else is up for grabs. Keep ’em coming.

UPDATE: How could I forget Simone Ledeen? Thank you, Mr. Scorpio.

Hey kids, I’m trying to compile a list of the Top Ten Wingnut Welfare Queens, and could use some help.

Basically, I define wingnut welfare queens as people who:

a.) Have very little talent.
b.) Work in the right-wing media machine, think-tank circles, or the Republican Party.
c.) Are employed solely on their willingness to act as shills for the GOP or wingnuttery in general.

So far, I think the obvious choices are Jonah Goldberg, Ben Domenech, Atlas Pam (who had multiple orgasms interviews with John Frackin’ Bolton ferchrissakes!) and Mark Noonan*. I thought about nominating Jeff Gannon, but I don’t think he made nearly enough money during his brief time in the spotlight to be considered for the list. Anyway, please place your nominees in the comments with brief explanations of why you think they deserve recognition as wingnut welfare queens. Thanks, brotha!

*Yeah, I know he’s small-time, but the fact remains that he has a book deal. In most countries, people as insane as Noonan are begging for spare pieces of cheese outside the local porno theater. In America they get offered book deals. Something about that jus’ ain’t right.

You know how the wingnuts obliterate moral logic by saying we have double-standards because we won’t tolerate their intolerance?

You know how when wingnuts do or say something absolutely execrable, they insist that our turning the other fist (instead of turning the other cheek, as they hope, because their idea of a fair fight is with a punching bag) to such depravity is ‘just as bad’?

Yeah? How fucking stupid is that, huh? So much whining of bullies, right?

Yeah.

So pardon me for hoping, oh goodhearted fellow Lefties, that Gerard Vanderleun dies in a pathetic and excruciating mattress fire, because right now I’m not in the mood to sit and wait for the tertiary syphilis he got from Charles Johnson to take its inevitable toll.