Sadly, No!

Remember when guys like this were the parody of Wall Street?

Maureen Farrell, CNN Money Money Money!:
Why Wall Street hates Obama

The post-election meltdown among wingnuts has been something to behold. Post after post of various true believers angrily trying to handle living in a world where they are so hated that not even cheating hardcore could save them. There’s a wealth of material there.

And frankly, Tintin has been fantastic harvesting a bunch of it. Heck, you all have been doing a fantastic job harvesting the many different flavors of juvenile temper tantrum.

And while there’s material galore there, believe me, and I could do entire posts over moments like this:

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Shorter Charlie Kraphammer, The Washington (“Invade Iraq”) Post
The Way Forward

• The lesson of the election is not that the GOP should moderate its positions to attract new voters; instead the lesson is that it should talk pretty. For example, to attract Hispanic voters, we should say we are in favor of “amnesty” when all borders are finally closed my disability is miraculously cured.* To attract women voters, don’t call it a “mandatory transvaginal ultrasound;” rather, call it a “free pony ride.”

*This is a reference to Charles’s sadly disfigured face and not anything else.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Mr. Carrie Lukas (face and eyebrows untouched by Photoshop)

Shorter Carrie Lukas, Forbe$
Here’s How The GOP Can Overcome Women’s Trust Issues With Conservatives

• To attract more women voters, the GOP needs to convince women that they aren’t women, but instead are simply men with vaginas oddly-shaped penises.

I love the post-electoral gyrations that we’re seeing by the wingnuts claiming that the best way to get the votes from groups that they didn’t get this time around — you know, women, blacks and hispanics — is to double down on conservative positions. This is pretty much the same thing as speeding away at 90 mph from the cop who just gave you a speeding ticket.   Carrie Lukas comes at this problem in a different way.  It’s not enough to adjust the message and make it more wingnutty to get the female vote.  You can’t simply make sure that next time around you propose imprisoning gay people or using Medicaid to fund tax credits for purchases of yachts.  No,  you need to go one step further and  convince women that they really aren’t any different from men.

Here’s a fact: Men alone would have elected a President Romney. Women—who cast about 54 percent of the votes in this election—gave President Obama a double-digit margin, and another four years in the White House.

What this means, of course, is not that Republican positions are unfavorable to women, but that womenz iz stoopid and must be educated that the white Republican men truly have all women’s best interests at heart.

One place to start would be the wage gap. Policy wonks may know that the idea that women are paid “77-cents-on-the-dollar” for the same work as a man has been thoroughly debunked. The statistical gap between men and women’s earnings is driven by the different choices men and women make about how to spend their time, and study after study shows that the gap shrivels once factors like industry and hours worked are taken into account.

I throroughly advocate that the Republicans convert women to their cause by spending the next four years by telling women that the reason for the gender wage gap is not because they are women but because most womenz is lazy and that any womenz who don’t understand that iz plain-out stoopid. Please, be my guest, Carrie. That’s a great idea. And while you’re at it, be sure to point out that if women would stop having babies all together, the gap would entirely disappear. I guarantee you that women will be beating down the doors of local GOP offices to get in and join.

Conservatives also need to be better prepared to respond when women’s health issues take center stage. … Essentially no one questions whether women should have access to contraception: Of course they should. Those who oppose the HHS mandate simply believe that government has no business compelling people to violate their religious convictions.

Again, I thoroughly endorse this idea. Republicans should also spend the next four years telling women that their male employer’s religious belief that the pill is an abortifacient straight from the pits of Hell is the reason that insurance pays for his ED meds but not his female employees birth control pills. Please. You can’t say that enough. Women will be dying to become Republicans once that is made clear to them.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: It’s Not Over Until The K-Lo Sings

Shorter K-Lo, America’s Shittiest Website™
Assisted Suicide and Where We Are

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Vote ye bastards!

Today in our crazy Belgian time, it is Tuesday November 6th, which means for those of us stuck in the Dadaist States of America, that it’s election day.

Which means, for the love of Bob, if you haven’t already voted early, you need to get the fuck out and vote. I know, you don’t need me telling you this and frankly, you’re probably wondering where the funny is. Well, I’ve got a treat for you, but you need to wander through a few more paragraphs of this bullshit first, because fuck you, that’s why.*

I know Obama is a sorely disappointing moderate and that you probably live in a state not called Ohio or Florida. But frankly, that doesn’t really matter. The GOP nominated The Smiler, openly stated they didn’t believe in democracy, have straight up brought back Jim Crow era disenfranchisement, and I fully expect a wingnut Secretary of State to be caught just straight up editing vote totals in Microsoft Excel before Tuesday is through.

Because they simply don’t give a fuck about pretense. They want to blow it all up and are hoping that raw money, media ownership, and the still lingering racism of that tiny core of bitter white men is enough to buy them a few more years to rob the last remaining shreds of this country before they retire to Europe to start tearing that continent apart.

In short, shit matters. And we not only need to ensure that the dog-torturing Transmetropolitan villain is sent back to his hair-buffing factory in Utah, but that we run up the popular vote. We need to ensure that we have as many Democrats as possible to disappoint us in slightly more sane ways than the nihilists in charge of the GOP lunatic asylum.

And beyond that, if you haven’t already, you need to research all the local and state bullshit before heading out tomorrow. So you can snipe the various wingnut welfare schemes and backdoor attempts to fuck you over and you can find those few glorious good candidates or props you can feel good about supporting until you see them bloodied and beaten by the NIMBY crowd.

Because, as is going to be more and more clear in the coming years, the wingnuts have realized they are running out of time on the Southern Strategy, on holding back decades of progress, on mattering as anything other than KKK re-enactment guilds. And they are declaring war on the notion of democracy, on the notion that we simple freaks should even count in “their” America, and on even continuing the pretense that the Civil War ever really ended.

And I can’t think of a more delicious way to punch that shit back in their face than to take this election where they have given themselves infinite money, full complete control over the airwaves, open disenfranchisement of minorities, open electoral fraud, straight-up terrorist intimidation of valid voters, etc… and just simply overrun them with votes to the point where they couldn’t possibly hope to steal it.

And as a bonus, it gives you an excuse to leave early or show up late to work! Both, if you’re a smooth talker!

I am Cerberus and I approve this message.

…

What?

…

Sigh. All right.

So, as has been much enjoyed here on the site, wingnuts have taken to claiming that polls are a liberal lie like global warming or the roundness of the globe. Now the reasons for this are myriad: cognitive dissonance, earnest belief that reality has a liberal bias, cognitive dissonance, a setup for four years of whining that ACORN and New Black Panthers stole the election so impeach the president, cognitive dissonance, an inability to do anything but work the refs, cognitive dissonance, attempt to provide wiggle room for open election night fraud, cognitive dissonance, and of course, cognitive dissonance.

And of the various wingnut poll-denialists, none as been quite as “Bookmark it Liberals” as the lovely folks at Unskewed Polls, who on October 25th helpfully provided a handy picture for psychologists to use as shorthand for delusional schizophrenia:

Yeah, that’s Oregon and New Mexico turning red in pure embarrassment for the poor deluded Troofie wannabe who runs the Geocities wannabe site that’s become a darling to all the octogenarians who want to pretend that they’re even remotely a majority anymore.

Well, in a shock to end all shocks, it turns out that despite years of evidence to the contrary, wingnuts are, in fact, capable of embarrassment and shame.

I know, I’m just as surprised as you are.

But still, here’s the same deluded loser, refreshing his “final” map on October 28:

That’d be the graphical equivalent of a teenager clutching their diary to their chest and slowly walking away as tears begin to overflow their eyes.

I’d feel bad if they weren’t democracy hating, racist, sexist, homophobic sociopaths who would rather see my country destroyed than allow life to get slightly better for the people most fucked over.

So yeah, let’s give them something to “bookmark”, shall we?

ABOVE: Matthew Yglesias

Shorter Matthew Yglesias
Miles-Long Gasoline Lines In New Jersey Show The Case For “Price Gouging”

• Long gas lines in New Jersey prove that scarce resources should be allocated solely to the rich.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to say more about Mattie’s idiotic genuflection before the great god of the free market or, more particularly, the great god of the free market as understood by a dim-witted freshman at a junior college in Georgia. His argument here is that higher prices cause people to allocate resources sensibly. Now, assuming that everyone had a fair amount of resources to juggle, this has some appeal. You know, as in “Gee, should I spend $1,000 on a tank of gas or use that money instead to save for a down payment on an Aston Martin? Well, since I have to go to my job as a hedge fund manager to afford the Aston, I’ll spend it on the gas.” For others, who may be juggling decisions between powdered milk and fresh fruit, this isn’t an option so much. What Mattie doesn’t understand is that waiting in line also entails a cost that makes people, rich and poor, allocate resources sensibly. Waiting in line is something everyone can do no matter how much they have in their bank account. What Mattie’s argument ultimately reduces to, then, is this:

Alternate Shorter Matthew Yglesias
Miles-Long Gasoline Lines In New Jersey Show The Case For “Price Gouging”

• Wealthy people should not have to wait in line along with the peasants.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Chris Bedford, The Daily Fucker Carlson;
Gay Republican volunteer invented bias attack

• Well, yes, the hate beating by gay bigots of a gay conservative that we reported was in fact completely bogus and fabricated by the purported victim, but you should remember that most cases of faked hate crimes are made up by black Democrats.

Just last week, Fucker Carlson’s melange of bullshit disguised as a website breathlessly reported the horrifying attack of liberal gay thugs on a poor conservative gay, proving once again that the real enemies of gays are liberals and not the conservative Republicans who have, of course, only their best interest in mind when denying them equal rights with normal, God-fearing heterosexuals. (“If they had the same rights, they would just spend themselves into poverty purchasing foo-foo frippery for their pretend weddings.”) Let’s hear if from Kyle:

“I was getting ready for work and there was a knock at the door,” Wood emailed The Daily Caller late Wednesday. “I opened it, and a guy wrapped a ligature around my neck, slammed my head into the doorway, and smashed my face into a mirror, telling me ‘You should have kept your [f*******] mouth shut.’”

“He then kidney-punched me, while at the same time saying I was ‘warned,’ and continued to beat me,” he added.

As details of Kyle’s account, including supposed anti-gay graffiti painted on his car, fell apart, Kyle recanted. Seems Mr. Wood was responsible for inflicting on himself the “injuries” shown in the helpful, illustrative photos he passed on to the Daily Fucker Carlson

ABOVE: Kyle Wood (note the dainty ligature marks on neck!)

Of course, rather than simply apologizing for having been completely taken in by a facially absurd story of a ligature wielding gay thug,  Fucker Carlson’s minions decide instead to use it as an opportunity to argue that most hate crimes are self-inflicted hoaxes concocted by liberal darkies as part of the black plot to oppress white people. And to do this, Mr. Bedford dredges up the Brawley case, now a quarter of a century old. At this rate, he should have dragged in the Piltdown Man as well.

This being Halloween and a full moon, you won’t be surprised that another zombie hoaxer came knocking at Sadly, No’s doors. Remember Justin Zatkoff? We talked about Justin at the end of this post. Justin had his fifteen minutes when he claimed that he had been badly beaten by a vicious gay rights group or some other liberal thugs, and there was a picture of poor widdle Justin with a nasty shiner to prove it. Sadly, No!  Justin actually got clocked by one of his own friends who was sick and tired of Justin being a loudmouthed asshole, and then Justin, trying to hide that even his own friends hate him, tried to blame it on some vicious, pumped-up fairies with a grudge against young Republicans.

So, now comes Justin knocking at our door with a takedown notice on the photo we used of him:

October 28, 2012

Re: COPYRIGHT NOTICE

To Whom It May Concern:

The following link contains a picture that is copyrighted and used on [your] hosted site without permission: https://sadlyno.com/wordpress/uploads/2007/12/axi41bm2.jpg

Here is the link to the full page where the infringing picture appears: https://sadlyno.com/archives/8198.html

The above link contains copyrighted work that I request be removed or access to disabled [sic].

The Berne Convention for the Protection of Literary and Artistic Works, the Universal Copyright Convention, as well as bilateral treaties with other countries allow for protection of copyrighted work even beyond U.S. borders.

I hereby state that I have a good faith belief that the disputed use of the copyrighted material is not authorized by the copyright owner, its agent, or the law.

I hereby state that the information in this notice is accurate and, under penalty of perjury, that I am the owner, or authorized to act on behalf of the owner, of the copyright or of an exclusive right under the copyright that is allegedly infringed.

Thank you,

Justin Sean Zatkoff
[personal information redacted]

Now take a look at this screen shot of our source for the photograph

Hmm. That photo is credited to Angela Cesere, who was the managing photo editor at Michigan Daily, the student newspaper that ran the story and the photo of Justin’s hoax. So we have to wonder whether Justin is making up things (again!) when he claims to have rights to that photo. Maybe he thinks he has a copyright in his face. If he had hit himself in the face, he might have had a copyright in the injuries, but as it stands the only one with a copyright in that shiner is Justin’s “buddy” who had enough of Justin’s assholery and clocked him.

So what has Justin been up to and why is he now busy trying to expunge the Intertubes of all traces of this embarrassing incident between him and his friend? Well, it seems that Justin is now a law student at a fourth-tier law school (where the copyright doctrine of “fair use” is apparently not on the curriculum) and has high hopes of being a Justice of the Peace in Lower Frogbreath, Michigan, or some other equally distinguished village. Here’s his resume. My very favorite part is where he says he worked as a clerk for a judge who just happens to also be named Zatkoff. Way to go, Justin! That must have been a super hard job to land.

Dr. Seuss don’t have to put up with this shit. He knows if people had a real choice, they’d choose the Who State, every damn time.

William Voegli, National Eyebonger:
Red, State, Blue State

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Okay, maybe so-called studies have shown that people living in blue states live longer, live healthier, have more money and new industries, are happier, and generally better looking than our conservative paradise red states, but… Um, er, we’re still outbreeding you suckers. Also racist old people retire with us, so fuck science, conservative policies FOREVAH!

Read the rest of this entry »

Shorter America’s Worst Self-Employed Lawyer™, DeadFart.com;

Obama Campaign to Girls: Have Sex with Vote for O

• Letting women talk about sex = misogyny. Outlawing abortion = true feminism.

Amidst the wingnut fauxtrage over Lena Dunham’s Obama ad (“OMFG, it has a double entendre comparing voting to sex. And, worse, double entendre is French!! And gay!!!”), Ben Shapiro’s little sissy fit really stands out. This is not surprising at all coming from a guy who holds his weewee with tweezers while peeing to avoid violating his religious convictions forbidding onanism. “Astoundingly tasteless!” Ben says. Not that this moment of high prudery is going to keep Ben from floating his own attempt at a double entendre about John Kerry’s limp dick

She actually saved herself for Barack Obama (she’s 26) – she could have swiped her V(oting)-card with John Kerry, but he was too limp a candidate, apparently. A real flip-flopper

Poor Ben. He can’t even come up with a decent double entendre worthy of being tasteless, much less astoundingly so.

But, of course, in the every-day-is-opposite day universe that extreme right wingers inhabit, a commercial with a woman making a double entendre is exploiting that woman.

So she chose to do it for the first time with Barack Obama, since he “cares about and understands women.” In fact, he understands them so well that he exploits them for insane commercials comparing losing your virginity with voting.

Obviously, women would be much less exploited having wingnuts shove ultrasound sticks up their vaginas than by being exposed, nay, raped by, gasp, doubles entendres.

Oh, and Obama, like most over-sexed Mandingos, thinks your daughters are sluts:

Obama has young daughters. But that didn’t stop him from releasing this commercial. Because this is what Obama thinks of your daughters.

Yes, instead of understanding your daughters for what they really are — breeding vessels for rapists — he thinks that they are voters who might giggle at a vaguely naughty double entendre and then, even worse, vote.

This was the photo that accompanied the post. I believe its attempted statement is: “How could a sissy man like Nate Silver ever know anything with such a faggy lady brain?” Sadly, its real statement is: “Maybe if we stopped being terrified that facts make our balls shrink, we’d actually be able to demonize our enemies without knocking ourselves repeatedly in the dick”.

Josh Jordan, National Argle Bargle:
Nate Silver’s Flawed Model*

So as the campaign season winds down, the right-wing finds itself desperately trying to reconcile the fact that everyone they know in KKK-ville, Crackersas are faithfully voting against their economic interests to get rid of the nigger, with the fact that the 2012 election may end up being too far away to steal. Well, if 100% of the idiots you listen to plan to vote for the Sociopath with the serial killer eyed son and reality disagrees, then that only proves that reality has once again showed its crippling liberal bias.

And any foolish person who dares note reality as if it was some uncaring arbiter of the way things actually are, is obviously just as biased as the reality they claim to “study” and “comment on”.

And since declaring liberal bias on everything from national news media to ice cream flavoring has won them nothing but people who should know better bowing and groveling before their feet, why not keep it going? And declare as enemy any who refuse to play your game?

Shorter:

• Polls are LIES! Unless they agree with us, then they are the only thing that is true. So if Nate Silver refuses to bend over backwards to break his accurate model of calculating what the polls mean for us, then he’s an unamerican poopy head who doesn’t know what polls mean. Even though no one knows what they mean, because of them being lies in the tank for Obama.

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