Sadly, No!

I give this a week before this is passed around unironically among the wingnuts.

Kevin D. “Manly men can defy the laws of genetics with their alpha male musk” Williamson, National What’s Wrong With Your Face:
The Last Radicals

Not to spoil anything, but today’s bout of neuronal spasm is about education. And like all wingnut diatribes on education, now that teachers have been declared enemy combatants, that means it’s about how education sucks and should be destroyed. Now, there could be a way to make that argument sound well… less stupid.

Buuuuuuut, the likelihood of such an argument coming from Kevin Williamson of “manly men produce manly sperm which creates more male homunculi in the designated female’s white static baby area” fame is about as strong as the Cubs winning a World Series.

But, hey, maybe I’m wrong. Just because he demonstrates a genetic knowledge stemming from the fourth century BC (just scroll down to Aristotle), doesn’t mean he won’t have something cogent to a-

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• If students benefitting from a 1:1 student:teacher ratio and a curriculum that can adjust to the pace of the student have advantages over students packed 30-50 to a classroom and forced to complete endless standard timed tests. And if the more liberal beneficiaries of this system exist and integrate relatively okay into adult society, then obviously kids yanked out of school to get a crash course in evangelical religious horseshit are the shocktroopers who will destroy the evil edifice of Big Education and its unconscionable belief that kids should be “educated” with so-called “facts”. Pah, who needs facts in Bible School or Liberty University, which incidentally are the only schools said conservative kids can qualify for with the state of their “better” “education”.

Or not.
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Ah, Wingnut Responses to the Debate, Let Me Count the Ways. 1, 2… I Guess There Were Only Two.

Ian Schwartz, RealClearStupidity:
Michelle Obama Broke Agreed Upon Rules, Clapped At Debate

AND

We’re Too Much a Pack of Cowardly Bullies to Put Our Name to This so Close to the Suicide of Amanda Todd, The Washington “Free Like Syphilis” Beacon:
Party Girl Debate Questioner Love Joose, Hates Cops and Women Who Watch Sports”

So yeah, there was a debate last night and apparently Obama joined the rest of us on planet Earth in realizing that The Smiler is a lying sociopath who will say anything to get elected and thus was better prepared.

So how did it go? Well, nearly every sentient being on the planet (Larry Kudlow doesn’t count, being neither sentient nor a being and frankly I’m only fifty-fifty on him being on this planet on any given day) called it a win for Obama though some of the hacks did it through a veil of tears.

So how did wingnuts respond to this undeniable reality? Well, in basically two ways:

Overall Shorter A (the gnashing of teeth):

• Obama cheated so we win by default! All his victories should go to us or he’s not a legitimate president. What’s that? Romney gained his massive bump by lying like a nicotine spokesperson and promising everyone a pony and a free blowjob in the first debate? I have no idea what you are talking about.

and

Overall Shorter B (the burning of witches):

• We didn’t lose the debate, it was stolen to us by meddlesome bitches and now we will set all our energies to finding something, anything, we can use to publicly crucify them. This will hopefully scare all the rest of the uppity chattel into knowing their place and never triggering our cognitive dissonance again. War on Women? That’s what terrorists do? I have no idea what you are talking about.

And I picked the dumbest examples of each.

Joy.
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Biden laughing at the right-wing shitstorm he knows he just started.

Entire National Review:
Every Goddamn post on the site

Shorter entire bloody site:

• Biden is a poopyhead!

At some point, you’d expect one of them to look at themselves and their desperate pleading and just let it go. Maybe enjoy the baffling gains The Smiler made in his first debate*, but no.

Biden revealed the Village’s wonk as having no policy clothes and for that he must be destroyed. Because having eyes is Liberal Facism Double Plus Ungood!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Seriously, the entire fucking site. It’s wall to wall, wah Biden, wah, how dare Democrats campaign. If I was a hack and my “guy” was able to erase the political damage of stating half the country deserves to starve, not to mention months of complete incompetence, with one debate performance of complete fiction, I’d think I’d be cheering. But hey, whatever, right? We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

*Seriously, though, what the fuck America? The Smiler has hardly hidden what he is, what he’s going to do, and how badly he’s going to fuck every last one of us in the 99%. If a majority of Idiot America send him to the White House anyways because “black man scary” then we fucking deserve the hell we will receive.

This is a real picture. Designed specifically to highlight his “sex appeal”… Wingnuts and media whores have strange strange fetishes.

J.T. Hatter, American Libido:
Is Paul Ryan Hawt?

So yeah, apparently there was a Salmonella outbreak recently. A bunch of peanut butter from about 50 “different” companies all operating out of this one factory in Georgia turned out to be tainted and there was a recall set in motion to correct the “whoopsie” otherwise known as “the FDA has been reduced to one guy named Phil”.

Luckily I was able to find this out and lend the FDA a much needed hand by becoming deliriously sick for a week until my body remembered how to properly function again. So patriotic duty fulfilled, I’m ready to jump back into the fray. Well, not so much jump per se seeing as how I managed to twist my ankle to the point it resembles a grapefruit punched repeatedly by Chris Brown.

But hey, I’m doped up on painkillers and ready for anything. C’mon wingnuts, give me your best shot!

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• We don’t need to worry about the War on Women fucking us over because women are a pack of horny dogs that think with their dicks, I mean ovaries. And Paul Ryan turns me, I mean them, on more.

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Shorter Bobo D’Applebee, The New Fucking York Fucking Union Busting Times:
The Policy Verdict I

• Because seniors draw out more money from Medicare than they paid into it, it is better that they just get it over with and die rather than wreck the federal budget for their grandchildren.

For anyone who might for a moment think that this shorter is an exaggeration, I need only quote this from Bobo’s wet slobbering deep tongue kiss of the Romney-Ryan voucher plan for Medicare

Voucher plans may save money, but perhaps by shedding the sickest customers.

Ya think? Ya fucking think?? In 1964 we passed Medicare because only 50 percent of the elderly even had insurance and of those that did only fifty percent of those policies would cover hospitalization. That’s the free market for you. Old people get sick and need expensive care. They aren’t interesting to private insurers even if they have more money than Ann Romney’s dancing horses’ Cayman Islands trust funds. Why on earth people think that the free market system has gotten kinder and gentler since 1963 and why they think that a voucher system isn’t the moral equivalent of marching grandma onto an ice floe and pushing her out into a frigid ocean is beyond me. So yes, Brooks calls its shedding, I call it ice floes, but the bottom line is that a Medicare voucher is a one way ticket into the Arctic Ocean.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Bozo Brentell, Newsblusterers:
Oscars Splash in the Sewer

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter George F. (and you know what that stands for but if you don’t it ends in “wad”) Will, The Liberal Bastion of Columnists Charles Kraphammer and Michael Gerbilson
Can Romney turn this contest around?

• The real victim of racism in America is Mitt Romney.

When conservative white male pundits write about race issues, you are pretty much guaranteed that you’re going to get some version or other of the “blacks are the real racists” meme that they hold so dear to their hearts. You can expect an anecdote about a poor rich white frat boy who has some disabled black lesbian professor’s boot on his neck. Along with that will be the required observation on the unjustness of black rappers being able to say nigger when a poor white man can’t even perform in a minstrel show in blackface without being convicted of a hate crime and executed by lethal injection in Blackville, New Blackedonia.

But Will, who is the poster child for the tragedy of diminished white entitlement, has a new spin. It’s not the blacks who are racists against whites.  No, it’s the whites who have now turned racist against themselves. According to Will, the American electorate is now mostly composed of self-loathing whites that would prefer to keep a blackity-black President in the White House rather than to admit that electric cars are a failure and vote for the white guy. (Seriously, Will’s biggest complaint about Obama in this column is plug-in cars.)

In the midst of this hilarity that attributes Mitt’s declining numbers to white-on-white racism there is another gem. Whereas most people talk about Jackie Robinson as a milestone in our progress against racism, Will instead finds the real milestone to be another black baseball-playing Robinson, namely Frank Robinson, a black manager of the Cleveland Indians. And it wasn’t hiring him that was the milestone. No, no siree:

[A]n even more important milestone of progress occurred June 19, 1977, when the Indians fired [Frank Robinson]. That was colorblind equality.

Yes, let’s celebrate the importance of firing a black man as the true milestone. I mean, after all, black men had never been fired before that and had been cruelly denied the white privileges of homelessness, unemployment, and poverty. For fuck’s sake, this must be the single most absurd thing to ever appear within the pages of the WaPo and you have to wonder whether in the next paragraph Will is going to claim that the true measure of racial equality is when we get can back to stringing black men up from tree limbs. Really. Or maybe the next milestone is when we stop depriving white people of being able to go to movie theatres and ride on buses with their own kind.

I should stop here but, this being Sadly, No! and my desire to humiliate this bow-tied fuckwad not being yet slaked, I want to go back to the electriccarpocalypse that Will thinks is the slam dunk reason for deposing Obama.

Tesla joins California-based Fisker, another floundering would-be maker of high-end rides for rich people, which has received a $529 million DOE loan.

Sadly, No!. The DOE authorized that amount but had only loaned $193 million before further loans from the DOE were cut off to the company last May for failure to meet milestones. So either the WaPo has no fact checkers, Will hasn’t heard about Google, or Will is a lying scumbag. I’ll take door number three, Monty.

Well with a name like that, he’ll fit right in in Australia… Monty Python is a documentary, right?

Bruce, The Quisling Report (otherwise known as GayPatriot):
A World Away

Hey, as a blog writer I get it. Sometimes you’re off on vacation, needing to check up on your white slavery ring, or just ensuring the vast machinations of your worldwide communist revolution are successfully completing the schemes within schemes needed to prepare the land for the coming of the Antichrist. And so you throw up a quick picture of combine harvesters fucking and a quick paragraph about the quality of the local rent boys.

I’m not slagging on Bruce writing up a quick open thread and posting some vacation photos to it.

I’m more baffled on the state of mind that could possibly produce this paragraph.

I see news of next year’s “fiscal cliff” is finally getting through from the mainstream media today. Well, financial concern is one of the reasons for my travel binge the past two weeks. Just in case.

And it’s not even the entire paragraph that I have issue with. Sure, the first sentence is dumb, but I can at least put together the tiny frayed end of what was once a thread of “logic”. He saw some Fox News talking head telling him to be really really scared that the Economy will super-tank unless we vote for the Party that tanks economies and he obediently soiled himself.

I get that.

It’s just this:

Well, financial concern is one of the reasons for my travel binge the past two weeks. Just in case.

How?!?

How in Bill Nye’s Satanic Centrifuge does that even begin to make sense?

Has there ever been a real human being on the planet who has ever thought that?

Who’s gone, “Gosh geewhilikers Sandra, I’m just so gosh-darned concerned that the economy is tanked, my financial situation may be precarious, and it’s very possible we could be in dire straits soon. Welp, let’s spend a massive amount of money on a huge vacation trip. Yanno, just in case?”

People in the death throes of the final culmination of their multiple syphilitic symptoms who are just randomly banging letters on a keyboard couldn’t even type these words. The last remaining synapse of their dying brain would mercifully cut off their oxygen supply before they got halfway just to protect them from the embarrassment of writing something so inhumanely out-of-touch with basic humanity.

The Smiler talking to a closed room of rich amoral sociopaths wouldn’t even say a sentence like that.

It’s so bizarrely fascinating that I find myself utterly transfixed, struggling to translate the seed of an idea that could have been twisted into this current abomination.

Perhaps money worries being stressful despite being so rich you can drop down on 2 weeks in Australia to get the equivalent of a spa trip or a long bath? Obama time-travelers are planning to steal his money on the day of the Election, but they can’t steal it if it’s already been translated into dingo kidneys (that’s the Australian currency, right?)? Planning to escape the Antichrist-induced Apocalypse by hiding among the giant poisonous spiders and over-sexed bunnies?

GIVE ME SOMETHING, BRUCE!

Sigh.

Wingnuts. Somehow incapable of posting a simple “On vacation, entertain yourselves” post without at least one psychotic break from reality.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Yeah, I’m as baffled as you are that this post ended up being the topic for today. That two sentences, man… We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

You are tearing me apart, Poll Numbers!

Robert Stacy McCain and/or His Live-In Gimp Smitty, The Slightly More White Supremacist McCain:
Do You Believe the Ohio Polls?

It’s been an interesting week couple of weeks campaign life for The Smiler this last while now. Between gleefully cheering the events in Libya in the hopes of turning it into his Iran Hostage Crisis (forgetting the all important role CONTRAs have in bribing a group of foreign terrorists to throw you an election) and declaring that people are parasites if they think they have a right not to starve to death in the streets, The Smiler has taken whatever small chance of winning this election he might have had and fired it into the sun. Even with the resurgence of Jim Crow bullshit voter suppression laws, “poll defender” vigilante crews vowing to intimidate voters, and daily sacrifices to Beelzebub the Hanger of Chads, Romney is polling somewhere below Candiru fish.

Heck, Five Thirty Eight has The Smiler’s chances of winning at around 16.2% and even the Fox News polls are saying it looks like we’re about to get a repeat of the Obama/Keyes race.

Now for wingnuts, who have spent decades convincing themselves that their 27% compatriots speak for a vast silent majority that think exactly like them, these polls serve as a violent reminder of reality and really there is only three ways for them to react to the harrowing likelihood of a second ScaryBlackMan term.

1) Realize that they are the discarded refuse of history and its far beyond time they learned to grow up and accept the world as is instead of the half-remembered nostalgias of child-BWAHAHA, yeah, I can’t keep a straight face. This will never happen.

2) Prepare their Kool-Aid dispensers and tin-foil hats for another 4 years of ensuring that anything the black man wants to do is adamantly opposed by whatever dirty tricks the Legislature can throw at him.

3)

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Polls and the very act of polling are a conspiracy of lies working against Republicans and thus we must oppose them and seek to destroy them and replace them with “balance” with the same fervor we have against all other sources of information about the so-called real world.

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1. You’re a Slut. 2. Your slutty sluttiness. 3-10. SLUT! WHY ISN’T THIS MAKING YOU GO MAKE MENFOLK SAMMICHES AS IS YOUR PLACE?!?

Jeannie DeAngelis, American UnghUnghUNNNNH!!!:
Sextra Credit and the Rehabilitation of Sluts*

Oi. This election season. I mean, every time the Smiler opens his mouth is a wonderful gift from Snark Heaven, but boy howdy is it tanking the usual output from the psychotics and the sociopaths. So many endless reams of run-of-the-mill IT’S ALWAYS PROJECTION as the right wing loses any and all hope of convincing themselves that they are going to stop the endless gulags of our Nigger in Chief.

It’s not that these posts aren’t still insane. It’s just that they are so very defeated, not bothering with the interesting novelty that makes right-wing dementia so… unique to behold. Where is that old can-do moxie?

Oh, hey, what’s that? It’s our old reliable friends at American Thinker with some fine aged wisdom for us.

Shorter (or the second to last port before Jungle):

• Slut slut slut slut. Slut slut slut slut. Sluttity slut, sluttity slut!

Alternate Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Ignorance is the best defense against unwanted pregnancies and STDs. P.S. Every single woman who admits sex exists is a dirty filthy slut who must be climbing into every rubbish bin she can find to sate her insatiable thirst for cum.

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