Sadly, No!

Wingnut boat has just made another run:

But Ms. O’Sullivan again took umbrage. As everyone went silent, she recalled a conference she attended in Australia in which a liberal nun (who “didn’t even have the decency to wear a habit”) criticized America for its “inner-city racism.” Offended, Ms. O’Sullivan recounted what she wished she’d said to this nun:

“Pardon me, madam, but I have been in your country of Australia for ten days and the only Aborigines I’ve seen have been drunk on the street, and at least if we were in my country they would be serving the drinks at this conference!”

Ms. O’Sullivan then warned against watering down the purity of the conservative agenda to placate minorities or, as she put it, rather succinctly, “the bastardization of the product.”

Casting is once again genius, with Doughy Pantload and Jimbo “Fivehead” Lileks turning in great comic performances but Ms. O’Sullivan and Deroy Murdock absolutely steal the show.

Cf.

This is the exact sort of image I thought of when I thought how best to mock the real intention and meaning of the “War on Christmas” malarky. Sadly, Poe’s Law means this image is real. A real bit of photoshop by a real wingnut expressing their real emotions. On that note, happy winter festival everybody!

Michael Bresciani, Ravage America:
Atheists’ advertise bah-humbug in Times Square

Happy Appropriate Winter Festival everybody!

Whether you are celebrating with a big glass of eggnog and your annual Winter Orgy or are out on the frontlines stealing the guns from patriots for the coming of Obama’s second term as Fascist King, most of us try and take time from our busy schedules to celebrate some form of winter celebration. Whether that is some bastardized form of Solstice celebration imbued with a religion specific mythology or its secularized derivatives or some lesser holiday quickly promoted to a big deal so one doesn’t feel left out in the December rush, the holiday season is becoming something nearly every American can experience without feeling left out (sorry Chinese-Americans you still get to feel disconnected and wrong… also those with crappy families or who have increased anxiety and depression around the holidays, not to mention the-… well, you know what I was trying to say).

But of course, the fact that this winter festival season, where we celebrate the cold weather being half over, has become such a big inclusive thing is exactly the sort of thing to bother the type of nutjob who wants to imagine that Heaven is a great big gated community in the sky. And today’s fruitcake a la mode certainly doesn’t disappoint on that score.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Knowing that atheists exist ruins Christmas.

Read the rest of this entry »

The long awaited Sandy Hook post… yeah… Sometimes I hate my life.

P.S. Trust the motherfucking shorters!

Helen Pow, Daily Fail:
Should Call of Duty Be Banned? Sandy Hook massacre reignites debate over violent video games that arm players with automatic weapons

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Violent Vijeo Games caused this latest mass murder. Violent Vijeo Games have caused every mass murder.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Gene Schwimmer, American Anchor:
What if Vicki Soto Had Been Armed?

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• We should just arm the fuck out of teachers instead of doing anything real to stop gun violence. Also, Mitt Romney was right, gun violence is caused by single mothers.

rrrrrrrrTikrrrrrrrrTikrrrrrrrrTikrrrrr…

Jerold Levoritz, American Wanker:
A Proper Response to the Massacre of Innocents

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if every time our paranoid killing machines went on a murder rampage we all quietly turned our backs and pretended it never happened?

rrrrrTik(grind)rrrrrrrTik(grind)rrrrrrTik(grind)…

Jeanne Donovan, American Canker:
A Teacher’s Oath

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Truly, isn’t the most appropriate time to talk about what greedy vile overpaid wastes of humanity public school teachers are immediately after a tragedy where said underpaid underappreciated teachers risked and lost their lives to protect their kids?

GYYYYYYAAAAAHHHHH!

Flames… Flames on the side of my face… breathing hot…

Charlotte Allen, National Die! Die! Die!:
Newtown Answers

Verbatim (or the last port before Jungle):

• There was not a single adult male on the school premises when the shooting occurred. In this school of 450 students, a sizeable number of whom were undoubtedly 11- and 12-year-old boys (it was a K–6 school), all the personnel — the teachers, the principal, the assistant principal, the school psychologist, the “reading specialist” — were female. There didn’t even seem to be a male janitor to heave his bucket at Adam Lanza’s knees. Women and small children are sitting ducks for mass-murderers. The principal, Dawn Hochsprung, seemed to have performed bravely. According to reports, she activated the school’s public-address system and also lunged at Lanza, before he shot her to death. Some of the teachers managed to save all or some of their charges by rushing them into closets or bathrooms. But in general, a feminized setting is a setting in which helpless passivity is the norm. Male aggression can be a good thing, as in protecting the weak — but it has been forced out of the culture of elementary schools and the education schools that train their personnel. Think of what Sandy Hook might have been like if a couple of male teachers who had played high-school football, or even some of the huskier 12-year-old boys, had converged on Lanza.

Read the rest of this entry »

I make no apologies for the title nor how it may ruin the camp (or erotic) value of bad 70s television

Clarice Feldman, American … Fuck You:
Newtown: Just Leave Us to Grieve in Peace

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Shame on you, dirty liberals claiming kinship with the Sandy Hook shooting victims to pursue your political agenda of trying to make sure this never happens again. I’m so upset at you, I need to claim ownership and spokesmanship for the victims in order to pursue my political agenda of ensuring that these shootings continue to happen every couple of months!

…

No.

No no no no no no no nononnonono! Not doing it!

Mona Charen, National Knows Her Place:
Chivalry: The Opposite of Good Manners?

I need a break from trying to mango retrieve wingnut responses to Sandy Hook*. Something refreshing. Something enjoyable.

Like… ooh. Mona Charen, the delightful moron who managed to lose an argument against her own spellcheck software has a new article. Even better it’s an attempt to understand and exploit some genuine academic research.

Ah, it’s like Satanmas come early!

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• This academic article about how women rationalize non-cartoonish bigotry as not being that bad proves conclusively that non-cartoonish bigotry isn’t that bad. Take that, feminists!

Read the rest of this entry »

Yeah, this is real… And Drudge is still the main source for universal Republican talking points… I’ve got nothing to add to that

Marion DS Dreyfus, American “Salt of the Earth”:
Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained

The wingnut response to Django Un…

Okay, I need to address some elephants in the room first. Specifically, some bullet-ridden, blood-soaked first-grade elephant bodies in the room.

The Sandy Hook shooting.

It’s what this post should honestly be about. It’s sickening that we regularly let such tragedies occur because of the paranoid fee-fees of a bunch of racist, sexist bed-wetters. And it’s gut-churning to know that even when the victims are a bunch of lily-white often blonde children, we are never going to break out of the cycle of responses to gun-violence that keep us from talking about real solutions to issues of gun control and violence against women that are central to each of these shootings.

And it’s not like I don’t have material. Ace of Spades has been terrible enough on his own to give me a hundred posts. Mike Huckabee’s attempt to blame the shooting on secular humanism not letting his goon squads harass queer youth is worth a good solid roasting. Glenn Reynolds has been perpetually topping himself in terms of ghoulishness with each new post. And some of the twitter actions to try and use other issues of violence to try and “get revenge” for being called out on Sandy Hook are enough to make one lose their lunch.
Read the rest of this entry »

“William Teach,” aka Porter Good, mobile phone huckster by day and pretend pirate by night, wants anyone talking about any kind of gun control to walk the plank

Never let it be said that Liberals won’t take advantage of each and every tragedy to push their political agenda

Never let it be said that Teach won’t take advantage of each and every tragedy to push his political agenda by accusing liberals of taking advantage of each and every tragedy to push their agenda. Apparently, the correct response to each and every tragedy is a conservative shrug of the shoulders punctuated with a casual utterance of “gee, it sucks to be them” or, maybe, “stop your whining and let the fee market do its thing.”

And when liberals, who only care about their silly political agenda of preventing the murder of school children, suggest additional gun control laws, Porter has the killer argument that absolutely no one has ever thought of before and which should just shut everyone up:

[W]e already have laws against mass murder. People who break them obviously do not care about The Law.

Brilliant point, Mr. Good! Like you I’ve always been opposed to laws against mass murder because obviously mass murderers don’t care about the law in the first place. Laws against mass murder are just another example of the liberal nanny statist agenda and were no doubt, passed after some liberals shamelessly exploited some horrific mass murder by passing yet another law.

We also have laws against blowing up buildings. That did not stop Timothy McVeigh. We have laws against raping women and killing them. That didn’t stop Ted Bundy. We have laws against hijacking airplanes. That didn’t stop the 19 Islamists on 9/11.

Agreed. Let’s get rid of those laws too. If rape is criminal only criminals will be rapists.

None of the gun laws that Liberals are pushing would have stopped this tragedy. … Neither handgun used in this tragedy would be covered by any of the legislation that Democrats have proposed. They aren’t assault weapons, and they aren’t high capacity mags. The insane killer did have a .223 Bushmaster, but that was left in the car when he went on his murderous rampage.

Sadly, No. (Rhetorical question: do you think this piece of shit went back to correct his post? Bonus rhetorical question: Do you think this shameless POS will ever correct his post?)

This case is exactly why we should ban semi-automatic assault rifles. If they were banned, it is highly unlikely that Nancy Lanza would have had one lying around for her psycho son to take to Sandy Hook. He still might have killed people with ordinary guns, but not as many. If only, just once, these crazed wingnuts would extend their right to life principles beyond the womb, the world would be a better place.

Says here that the ship I’ve invested all my self-worth into has crashed into an iceberg. Beginning coping amnesia in 5…4…3…

B. Daniel Blatt, Gay Putz:
Obama’s remarks in Michigan & his partisan nature

It’s been a while since we last peeked in on America’s Dumbest Homosexual. Heck, we haven’t even really said hi to our favorite Quisling blog since back in October.

And that’s a shame, because we’ve been missing what is proving to be a rather entertaining extended meltdown. These are people who have aligned exclusively with those who hate them, with those who do not entirely believe people like Dan are even human. And have done so entirely out of animus for non-whites and a belief that doing so will somehow make them special.

And well, now that a black man has won himself re-election largely on the backs of the increasing electoral power of non-white men and women of all colors? At the same time that gay rights is starting to rocket forward on the backs of “leftist” activism and the professional homophobe market is starting to collapse, leaving no special place for wanna-be capos?

It’s starting to… affect Dan.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Obama’s not the President! He’s not! And thus he’s not supposed to be out pretending to be the president! Mommy, make him hide in a cave for 4 years so I can pretend he wasn’t re-elected!

Read the rest of this entry »

ABOVE: Viscount Lachlan Markay, Third Marquis of Ramtown, Fourteenth Earl of Perth Amboy Junction

Shorter Lacky Malarkey, The DeMinted Foundation
Obamacare May Hike Your Pet’s Health Care Bills

• I do not see why I must pay my veterinarian an extra $5 for shots for my Welsh Corgis just to help pay for healthcare for some sick poor person. Do poor people fetch? Do they play ball? Do they let me scratch their bellies? No, of course they don’t! They are just vile parasites who mooch from the producers!

Lachlan Markay is apparently an “investigative reporter” over at the Heritage Foundation and he’s just been showing his keen investigatory skills by going through the Federal Register looking at agency rules. And he discovered, he thinks, that the Obamacare tax is going to apply to items sold to your veterinarian like examination gloves and catheters. This means that if you are rich enough to own a dog, you may have to pay a few dollars more for Fido’s shots so that, say, people don’t die from untreated medical conditions. Shocking! I can scarcely control my outrage.

The problem is, well, you know, the problem is SADLY, NO! If you follow his link, the rule makes clear that if a manufacturer makes an item for the veterinary market and sells only to the veterinary market there is no Obamacare tax on that item even if it is the kind of item that could also be sold for human medical use. Mr. Malarkey appears to think that the item will be taxed if it could be used on humans but that’s not the case. It’s only taxed if a manufacturer lists an item, and the manufacturer does not have to list an item that it produces only for veterinary use.

Do ya think that putting Jim DeMint in charge of these fellows will increase the level of scholarship at Heritage? (Hint: trick question or rhetorical question, you decide!)

UPDATE:  Mr. Malarkey has, er, “responded” via Twitter.   He apparently doesn’t get the joke.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: K.T. McFarland, comedian and defense analyst

Roger Ailes is very, very mad at K.T. McFarland. So mad, in fact, that he ordered her into his office and dictated a column that she would have to write under her own name ‘splainin’ how that conversation she had for him with General Petraeus that was taped and leaked was just one big funny haha joke, just joshin’ around you know, and not to be taken seriously, even if K.T. did spend almost 13 minutes trying to convince Petraeus to run for President at Ailes’s behest. Of course, if you listen to the tape, and you’ve not been living somewhere on the rings of Saturn for most of your life, you will quickly realize how absurd it is for McFarland to claim that this was all just ribbin’ and joshin’ and funnin’ and none of it was meant seriously.

But to avoid your having to waste 15 minutes of your life listening to a sycophantic and obsequious K.T. plant big sloppy wet kisses all over Petraeus’s sagging face (there’s a brain bleach image for you!), here are the relevant parts of the transcript.

McFarland: I’ve got something to say to you, by the way, directly from Roger Ailes. … He says that if you’re offered chairman [of the Joint Chiefs of Staff], take it. If you’re offered anything else, don’t take it, resign in six months and run for president. Okay? And I know you’re not running for president. But at some point when you go to New York next, you may want to just chat with Roger. And Rupert Murdoch, for that matter.

Petraeus: Well … Well, Rupert’s after me, as well. …

Q: I’m only reporting this back to Roger. And that’s our deal. … So what do I tell Roger when he says …

Petraeus: Tell him I don’t… I mean, I don’t know what they’re going to offer me, anyway. I really don’t know.

Q: Okay. But there are only two. … So I can say something along the following lines …

Petraeus: Well, but don’t — that has to be off the record.

Q: There are potentially two jobs that you’d be interested in. His deal with me was that I was only supposed to talk to you.

Petraeus: Yeah, okay. …

Q. No, but can I just say that — can I just tell him what I’ve suggested, and that we’ve discussed …

Petraeus: Yeah, sure.

Q: … is that next time you go to New York you’re going to stop by and see him?

Petraeus: I’d be happy. I would love to see him. I haven’t seen him in a while, so …

Q: I think he would very much appreciate the conversation.

Petraeus: I would love to see. … Yeah. He’s a brilliant guy.

Q: He is simply brilliant. I don’t know if you’ve ever …

Petraeus: He is. Tell him if I ever ran [laughs] but I won’t …

Q: Okay, I know. I know.

Petraeus: But if I ever ran, I’d take him up on his offer.

Q: Okay. All right.

Petraeus: He said he would quit Fox.

Q: I know. Look, he’s not the only one.

Petraeus: And bankroll it.

Q: Bankroll it? [Laughs]

Petraeus: Or maybe I’m confusing that with Rupert.

K.T., if that is your idea of jes’ jokin’ around, don’t quit your day job, such as it is, to go into stand up. Because, frankly, that conversation is about as funny as watching kittens explode in a microwave. Of course, the absolutely most hilarious part is K.T. pressing Petraeus for an answer that she can take back to Ailes. If you actually listen to the transcript, you’ll hear them rolling on the floor and peeing in their pants at the humor of it all.

I realize conspiracy theorists have used this off-the-record interview to claim it was some plot to put Petraeus in the Oval Office. But it was little more than one defense analyst (me) trading some political gossip and laughs with one of the country’s most important military leaders (Petraeus).

No, K.T., sweet T., that’s not what anyone’s claiming. This interview is simply proof (as if more proof were needed) that Fox isn’t a real news organization. Nobody believes Roger Ailes or Rupert Murdoch could make anyone President. Their last effort certainly wasn’t what I’d call a roaring success.

They’re now down to taking credit for minorities not actually being the monsters they relentlessly paint them as. I’m not sure there is much further down they can go before they start breaking up into some Madagascan flower beds.

Jack Cashill, American Test Pattern:
How Traditional Values Shape the NFL

It happens quite often in this gig, where you get a wingnut post where you could just stop at the title and already be done.

I mean, “How Traditional Values Shape the NFL”? Do I really even need to follow that up with anything? It already tells you all you need to know about the content to follow. The attempted co-opting of a piece of American culture (and one they didn’t really need to try and co-opt) by fringe psychotics, some extremely poor logical reasoning, some barely restrained racism, and possibly a terrible analogy or two.

I could just go home right now, but I suppose for decorum’s sake, I should at least give you a taste.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• So it turns out after years of comments about how blacks couldn’t play football because they lacked the mental discipline. And then years of comments about how blacks never make good quarterbacks because the quarterback is the “thinking man’s position”. It turns out there are now multiple black quarterbacks who are performing pretty well. So now, we’re going to try and kickstart years of comments about how those blacks who succeed at quarterback are the honorary white “good black people” who go to good white churches and aren’t unrepentant baby molesters like all other black people.

…

And yet some people still call this man racist. I just don’t get it.

And in case you thought I was joking:

On the long Thanksgiving weekend, five regular starting NFL quarterbacks of at least partial African descent took the field for their respective teams. Beyond their obvious talent, all five share a common background, one that is now rare in the African American community and becoming anomalous in American society writ large: each grew up in a Christian home with a mother and a father. More so than foot speed or even arm strength, this is the variable that elevates them above their peers.

Always trust the motherfucking shorter!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. Remember back when I said that my day job was one of the good ones? Yeah, irony is kicking me repeatedly in the balls for that one. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™