Sadly, No!

And Monckton has run himself over, what a great twit!

Lord Monckton of Bronchitis, Wing Nut Dyspeptic:
Obama’s ‘Inauguration’ Marks End of the Left

It could be said (by treasonous liberal commie bastards) that conservatives have had… issues handling the notion that America has re-elected Barack Obama to be our President for the next 4 years.

I mean, they threw everything they had at the guy. And I mean everything. Blocking all his actions as president, running an entirely fictional campaign, giving themselves blank checks, bringing back Jim Crow, openly disenfranchising any non-white person they could find, declaring war on poll numbers… And while they aren’t out of dirty tricks yet (the House is still gerrymandered and they are working to make all the swing states electoral votes distributed among their gerrymandered districts to try and stay relevant), it’s starting to get worrisome for them.

Not to mention, their cognitive dissonance is having to deal with the prospect of seeing a black man as president for another 4 years.

It’s only to be expected that some of the less… intellectually rigorous of the tribe, might be starting to snap under the pressure as it were.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Ha ha ha! Ok, maybe there really is a black man being sworn in as president on my TV and maybe we really can’t even steal elections anymore, but Ha Ha, moderate conservativism in the guise of a liberal presidency will um… Continents will sink, nations will fall and THEN WHO’LL BE LAUGHING LIBERALS. HA HA HA HA HA!

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Pew pew pew, now fall down Federal Government, I shot you!

Bob Owens, The Website Formerly Known as Confederate Wanker:
Shock the system

I’ve said before that what wingnuts lack most is creativity and I think nothing better demonstrates that than the coked-up fantasies wingnuts come up with to describe their idea of what real life is like.

I mean, sure, we had D&D towers and Tim Allen rolls in the last post, but overall, the fantasies just boiled down to the same sad refrain: “they want to live in an action movie and kill someone without going to jail”.

Now, not every fantasy needs to be a sci-fi/fantasy epic involving queer unicorns and space ninja leprechauns, I have my own suite of more mundane fantasies about things like being born my correct gender, not having been sexually assaulted in front of my mom and partner*, or sending all the wingnuts of the world off to smoke some weed and come back in a couple of years so we can try and fix the most egregious stuff wrong with our planet in the meantime.

But still… what the wingnuts come up with, what they cling to as a desperate substitute for a reality they find cloistering, confusing, and painful just makes them look… pathetic.

Take our latest case in point:

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• The fact that some douchebags working for a subcontracted security firm only mildly invested in finding me because my employer was too stupid to call ahead, couldn’t find me in a manner I consider timely, me and my fellow armed insurrection LARPers could totally cripple America without ever being caught ever.

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No, that won’t work at all, a dragon can decimate that village in 2-3 turns tops.

Too Damn Many Assholes, Too Damn Many Sites:

…

Guns.

…
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ABOVE: Neil Stevens (not Photoshopped)

Shorter Neil Stevens, Red State Trike Force:
A word on the politicization of Aaron Swartz’s death.

• As a conservative who favors limited government, I don’t see the big deal in trying to put someone in jail for 35 years for illegally downloading copyrighted material.

I suppose it’s not terribly surprising that America’s dumbest ugliest dumbest ugliest dumbest and ugliest tech blogger, the redoubtable Neil Stevens at RedFace, would chime in on the Aaron Schwartz suicide with a post that could also be shortered as “Bleh. Dirty fucking hippy deserved what he got.” But even I was more than a little astonished that he would do so in a post where he also said:” I favor light regulation all around!” Except, of course, for DFHs, I guess.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Redefining Smug Assholes Everywhere.

K-Lo and W. Bradford Wilcox the Improbably Non-numbered, National Coo Coo Ca Choo:
Getting the 60 Percent Married

Sometimes… Sometimes you’re just not sure where to start with a post. This interview… it’s written almost entirely in non-sequiturs. The things they are talking about aren’t just unrelated to reality in the nice predictable wingnut projection we are used to, they are just… detached. And the result is a bit more disorienting than we’re usually used to over here at Sadly, No!

Let me see if I can summarize:

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Everything can be solved by forcing people to marry. Everything!

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The douchenozzle in question was stupid enough to cite awesome education site Loving More in his rant. Well, I’m not one to let a good link go unplugged! For those who want to know more about poly, there you go.

James M. Arlandson, American Baffled Grandparent Hearing Their Kids Come Out for the First Time:
From Same-Sex Marriage to Polygamy and Polyandry

Man, I’ve actually been kinda waiting for a post like this for a while!

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• Blah blah, slippery slope, blah, gay marriage will lead to polygamous marriage and that’s scarier so don’t support fags, blah.

No no, not because of that. The overall argument is the same tired horseshit we’ve seen a million times before and YAWN…

Sorry, I seem to have put myself to sleep just talking about it.

No, I’m excited because it’s the first one I can remember seeing that doesn’t just circle around the usual polygamy/polyandry crap, but actually shows awareness and response to actual real polyamorous people like me and my partner…s… and my partners’ partners.

Now that might not seem like something to get excited about. In fact, it probably seems like something to dread. Oh Bob damnitt, the wingnuts have realized we exist and they should hate us! Time to roll up the dinner plates, because party’s over!

Right?
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ABOVE: Joe Kovacs

Shorter Joe Kovacs, Wingnut Daily
‘Gay’ CBS Star Now Mimics Tim Tebow?

• What further proof do you need that the television networks are run by Christian-hating fags than a Superbowl ad where a faggot tries to look like a manly Christian quarterback?

This little piece of wingnut butthurt was prompted by a television ad on CBS advertising the Superbowl with an image of faggity-fag fag Neil “Faggie Howser” Patrick Harris wearing eyeblack with the date of the upcoming Superbowl written on it.  This is obviously an effort to embarrass Tim Tebow and mock his Christianity by having a faggity fag fag Satan-worshipping nancy boy emulate God-fearing and manly Tim Tebow’s signature style.  Because, of course, Tim Tebow is the only athlete who writes messages on his eyeblack . Sadly, No!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Noel “Mr. Wedgie 1965” Sheppard.

Shorter Noel Sheppard, NewsBlusterers
Leno: Harry Reid Looks Like a Guy Who Heard ‘Go F Yourself’ A Lot In High School

• Now that you mention it, Harry Reid does look like a dork who got a lot of wedgies in high school.

*Cf.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Admiral James Lyons (Ret.)

Shorter Adm. James Lyons (Ret.), The Moonie Times
Draft of new U.S. Army handbook must be scrapped

• Now that Obama is turning the military into a bunch of gay, Muslim-loving wimps, it is no longer possible for the military to do its God-given job, namely, converting the Muslim heathens in Afghanistan to Christianity

I suppose no one is going to be surprised to learn that, according to Admiral Lyons, it all started with the gays

After the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the erosion of our military’s moral principles, regretfully, continues.

Let the fairies in the Army and the next thing you know the military will stop killing Muslims altogether.

A recent Wall Street Journal article described the U.S. Army’s final-draft handbook, which indoctrinates our military personnel heading to Afghanistan in how to be sensitive to and accept Muslim and Afghan 7th-century customs and values

What a preposterous notion. Everyone knows that the whole purpose of sending the military to Afghanistan is to convert the Afghans to 1st-century Christian values.

Also, U.S. military members must not discuss Islam in any form. All of this guidance is un-American. It is totally against our core principles and everything we stand for as Americans. It threatens to further diminish our military principles, stature and fighting spirit.

What could be more American than a soldier discussing Islam? And how can you expect him to fight if he can’t tell the Afghans that the Muslim religion sucks in comparison to the Christian religion which God deputized America to bring to the heathens, at gunpoint if necessary.

If this handbook directive is implemented, we will be forcing our military to submit to Islam and its governing Shariah law or die — exactly the choice offered to infidels who have been vanquished by jihad.

Every time anyone is nice to a Muslim, the terrorists win!

I also highly commend the comments to Admiral Lyons’s column, which are, as you might expect, a treasure trove of rotting mangoes. They start off with this gem from “Joe”:

When you have the likes of Barack Obama, reputedly a member of a homosexual men’s club in Chicago, along with Rahm Emmanuel, in charge of the US military, he’s going to try to turn it into one huge homosexual steambath in khaki.

Ah, if only this were true, I might even try to join up.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Obviously, stricter criminal background checks would have prevented this.

Eileen F. Toplansky, American Snark Employers:
EEOC Protected Classes

The end of the year. It is a time where one can be easily drawn into reminiscence and reflection. For some of you, this might be bitterly remembering exactly when you started hating the family member who refuses to scrape off their Romney Ryan bumper sticker or fondly remembering the orgy last night. For me, my thoughts turn to a year ago when my employment woes at the hand of the Great Depression II: Secret Depression were finally ended.

But it seems I’m not the only one thinking backwards about employment.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• God damnitt, after all that work to remove the social safety net and require that people scramble to find jobs in order to avoid starving to death in the streets, some goddamn bearded hippies went around and argued that the Undesirables in our midst therefore should be afforded a genuine chance to be employed.

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