Sadly, No!

Unfogged yields the following:

It’s His Job

In a short profile of [swimmer] Michael Phelps, we learn that he needs to eat between 8,000 and 10,000 calories each day. Converting 10,000 calories into Universal McDonald’s Units, we find that the following meal plan would suffice:

Breakfast:
2 Big Macs
1 Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese
1 Medium Fries

Mid-morning snack:
2 Big Macs
1 Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese
1 Medium Fries

Lunch:
2 Big Macs
1 Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese
1 Medium Fries

Mid-afternoon snack:
2 Big Macs
1 Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese
1 Medium Fries

Dinner:
2 Big Macs
1 Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese
1 Medium Fries

Why, that’s 66.6 ounces of Blair’s Death Rain Cracked Kettle Crab Chips or 1,428 servings of male ejaculate. Or I guess you could mix the two.

The fun continues with Liberal Fascism: From Mussolini to Gluten-Free Dog Kibble over at Jonah’s special fan club site. Jonah reprints an email from one of his special fans:

[B]elieve it or not, there’s a sort of conservative underground that’s banging on the Amazon 1-star ratings of your book to the point where Amazon is taking them down. And I love it! I mean, they’re just disapppearing [sic] them.

Of course, Jonah, given his opposition to anything and all things fascist, was appalled that negative reviews of his book were being “disappeared,” and said so in no uncertain terms. Not:

Delighted for the support. Personally, I wish reviewers at Amazon would just treat this like, you know, a book. Read it, write something about it. But that ship has sailed. I think the fact that I’ve been the #1 new political book in the country (#2 political book overall) for the last few days has made the mouth breathers crazy.*

I suppose Jonah’s defense is that the Nazi’s “disappeared” things written by degenerates, which was wrong, but not stuff written by mouth breathers, which is perfectly okay. Really, this just keeps getting better and better.

* Gavin adds: True for values of ‘a few days’ not exceeding the two days since the book’s release. Not to mention that Jonah’s greatest troubles are from the nose–breathers.

…with SEEEEXXXXXXXXXX:

It looks like a wayward hippie from Haight-Ashbury circa 1967 found himself a time machine and came forward to 2008 and barricaded himself in the editorial room of the Chicago Tribune, today. To celebrate this magical feat, the Trib has gathered together all their best thinkers and, guided by their time leaping hippie, they’ve decided to advocate a little tonic for the New Year: Have more sex in 2008. But, man, let’s not bring us all down with talk of marriage, commitment, and morality, shall we? No, cast off that morality talk. Have sex because it “makes you younger.”

Uh-oh. Is Warner trying to tell us something about himself? Because for a very long time, Warner looked like…

But then he looked like…

To be sure, there’s no doubt that sex is fun and can certainly be beneficial

Thus Warner, an expert now that he’s had a sexual encounter with a female other than Rosie Palm, offers his considered opinion.

but the notion that sex is nothing but fun is a step in the direction of immoral choices, choices that cause more harm than good.

Sour grapes? Guilt? That trip to the brothel! Was it really worth losing the Rasputin-crossed-with-Billy-Gibbons look Warner had so long cultivated? All those years he’d spent in trying to pass for an inbred and Amish version of Stonewall Jackson: ruined!!!

I’d also like to point out that the claim that sex burns four calories a minute is a rather specious argument to make as a benefit for sexual activity. If burning calories is the goal, many more can be burned off with real exercise. Few people are able to sustain enough sexual activity to make any difference in burning calories.

Translation: It’ll shave ten years off your face, but the wing-gut remains. So while the new look no doubt forced Warner to abandon the Plowboy Frazier-style Tuff-Nut over-alls in favor of elastic-band Dockers, any hope that sex would repair the inevitable result of Cheetos addiction was dashed.

But, have more sex, man. It’s, like, free ya know? Make love not… a stable society. (Mark Steyn, you are being paged)

Why is Mark Steyn being paged? Wait — I don’t think I want to know.

Thanks Chicago Tribune (and Newsweek, too) for this wonderful prescription for 2008. Now, I wonder if this section came with a free condom, a few adult beverages, a fake phone number scribbled on cocktail napkin, and a load of regret in the morning?

Yeah, Tribune and Newsweek, thanks for encouraging the sluts! Now some other wingnut virgin’s Talibeard will fall out, and it’ll be all your fault!

Electing Obama A Slap In The Face To Muslims Everywhere?

Above: Totally looked better
with the cookie scrubber

• Hey, here’s one (ahem): I truly regret mentioning the fact that Barack Obama is a Muslim, for all men are indeed brethren to me; but is it wise for America to elect a man who, as an apostate — heh heh, wait for it — is marked for immediate death by the hate-maddened Islamic murder religion?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard.

* Q.v.

This is the tag to end all tags:

• ein vol ein reich ein bag von cheetos (2)

I swear by all that is ungodly and unholy, I will never stop laughing at this book.

Yglesias brings us this list of the most popular reader tags for Liberal Fascism. Here are the top 5:

• doughy pantload (140)

• propaganda (117)

• wingnut welfare (115)

• editor promised cake (95)

• i can has job mom (94)

My other personal favorites:

• books written while high on cheeto dust (14)

• relatives in high publishing places (5)

• bored the stenographer to sleep (2)

• dialectic of cheetohlightenment (2)

Read the whole thing.

UPDATE: This one is kinda long, but it’s something that I think some kind person should tag the book with. You don’t even have to credit me for thinking of it!

• ghost writer quit when i tried paying him in funyuns

LEONARD ADDS: Hey, I’ve got plenty more! I’m generous, like all fascists!

• book’s poor sales are, in fact, central to my point

• needs more ‘Star Trek’

• commencing countdown to remaindered pile

• author still unaware that Mussolini was not American

• can’t read through grease prints

• good money after bad

• based on the Fishbone song

• cartoon on front cover most skillfully executed aspect of book

• it’s no ‘Shut Up and Sing’

• Michael Moore is fat

Is there any public “intellectual” who’s more comically fraudulent than Jonah Goldberg? Well no, but that doesn’t mean I still can’t be amazed by stuff like this NPR interview that General JC Christian dug up:

Jonah Goldberg: The benefit of Bush’s compassionate conservatism [in 2000] was that it was majorly a marketing slogan…

Alex Chadwick: You mean you’re worried Mike Huckabee might actually mean it?

Goldberg: Yes, that’s what I’m terrified of.

This is really Jonah’s worldview in a nutshell: it’s perfectly OK to pay lip service to the mindless, inbred rubes that make up your party’s base as long as you don’t follow through on any of your promises to help the poor goobers out. This dovetails nicely with Jonah’s past praise of elitism in which he wrote that:

[P]opulism is a useful and healthy passion when aimed at the liberal elite. But conservatives can get drunk on it when they proclaim that elites are bad simply because they are elites. Conservatives respect authority — the authority of ideas, traditions, morals, religion, customs, reason, law, excellence and so on. One cannot believe in this kind of authority while having a blanket hostility to elitism in any form.

In other words: it’s cool to rile up the idiot vote by telling them that liberals want to ban Christmas, but helping them pay for their kids’ health care goes way, way over the line. Religion, in Jonah’s world, truly is the Cheetos bag of the masses.

Welp, looks like Hillary won New Hampshire. Let’s see what the gibbering right-wing bonkheads have to say about it:

Above: Eagles: The Gathering

---

BALLS

3 posted on 01/08/2008 7:33:55 PM PST by kbennkc (For those who have fought for it , freedom has a flavor the protected will never know)

She STOLE it!!

6 posted on 01/08/2008 7:34:25 PM PST by shiva

I knew the media were overplaying Obama’s popularity. All part of their plan.

8 posted on 01/08/2008 7:34:38 PM PST by TheRealDBear

Shocking. White liberals are closet racists…they lied to the pollsters.

11 posted on 01/08/2008 7:35:06 PM PST by Azzurri

MSM lies again. Never Trust the MSM. They lie every time. MSM lies MSM lies MSM lies

Above: Haw haw! (snuck)

---

18 posted on 01/08/2008 7:36:22 PM PST by Brimack34

Obama just didn’t do enough spade work, or crying…he will learn. Sarcasm/on

19 posted on 01/08/2008 7:36:35 PM PST by JohnD9207 (Lead…follow…or get the HELL out of the way!)

FWIW, the wealthy RATs went for Obama, the poor ones for Hillary – they remember bill and want the 90’s back …

21 posted on 01/08/2008 7:37:07 PM PST by 11th_VA (HUCKABEE: For an Energy Independent America !!!)

Does that mean he is going to ask for a recount because of all the exit polls and polls going into NH? LOL I CANT believe everyone was off like they were…

The tears worked, the planted “republican” that said to iron his shirt worked.

Above: Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus — A Fake
Book! (Booo, Wittgenstein)

---

29 posted on 01/08/2008 7:38:52 PM PST by cdnerds (cdnerds.com)

I told you!!!! Once those ballots started disappearing, Hillary would win. How long before the vote tampering allegations begin?

32 posted on 01/08/2008 7:39:03 PM PST by rintense (Thompson / Hunter 2008!)

The “Wilder Effect” strikes again—white guilt to pollsters never fails.

33 posted on 01/08/2008 7:39:05 PM PST by montag813

Yeah, but the press will make sure it’s just “whites” who are racists. “Democrats” and “liberals” will be carefully omitted.

34 posted on 01/08/2008 7:39:18 PM PST by A_Former_Democrat

You know, not to make too much of that ‘spade work’ comment within the context, but sometimes it almost seems as though right-wingers have adopted the habit of projecting their specific odiousnesses onto others.

* Q.v.

[Graphic hiked from MSBuckeye]

Update: Whoops, we missed a whole other thread on the Clinton victory:

Maybe Obama can hire his Kenyan cousin to burn houses and machete children in NH in protest, like he did in his home country.

13 posted on 01/08/2008 7:42:04 PM PST by montag813

Whoah, Nellie! Obama hired Dick Cheney to machete children?

A second, unfavorable review of Jonah’s book appeared on Amazon, and then another favorable one popped up:

5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing how these reviews are up the day the book comes out., January 8, 2008
By D. Hunter “tralfaz7” (Washington, DC)

People sure do hate Jonah Goldberg, especially people who’ve never met him and have no interest in what he has to say. I, for one, quite enjoy Jonah’s work because he peppers his facts and extensive research with humor and pop culture analogies all too often shunned by “intellectuals.” It’s not difficult to be smart and funny, to know history and current event, but so few pundits do it. Jonah does, and does it well. I look forward to reading the whole book (just 40 pages in) and writing a second review, but I couldn’t just sit by and allow these attack reviews to go unanswered.

Ah, well okay then. But who is tralfaz7?

I work for the Heritage Foundation, fighting the good fight, and love every minute of it. There are few things more enjoyable than upsetting a liberal with facts, ahh…A liberal and facts! They never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

So far, in terms of favorable reviewers of Jonah’s book who are employed by wingnut-welfare foundations, we’re hovering at 100%.

Can we hear a shout-out from tha peeps at tha Claremont Institute? Wes’-siiide!!

Update: Via the genius of J— comes Vox Day’s interview with Jonah:

Some of your critics focus on the fact that you’re not an academic, so should the fact that no book like this has been written in the sixty years since the end of the Fascist regime be taken as evidence that you’re just smoking crack, or is it an indictment of the academy?

Since I’m currently not smoking crack, I personally take it as an indictment of the academy.

Above: Jonah’s denial is likely strictly true

Mysteriously, all of the Amazon customer reviews for Jonah Goldberg’s Liberal Fascism have disappeared.*

All except this one, that is:

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A brilliant piece of research, January 8, 2008
By Peter F. Schweizer (Tallahassee, Florida United States)

The amount research that has gone into this book is amazing. Those who attack Goldberg from the Left will undoubtedly avoid mentioning the facts presented in this work. Check out, for example, the admiration that Benito M. had for JM Keynes and his ideas. This is a book that should be read by anyone concerned about the power of the state. Peter Schweizer, Hoover Institution

Ah yes, Peter F. Schweitzer. Here’s the top Amazon review for Schweitzer’s book, Do As I Say (Not As I Do): Profiles in Liberal Hypocrisy:

5.0 out of 5 stars
Meticulously Researched, Deftly Argued, October 25, 2005
By Wynton C. Hall

The quality of investigative research in this book would make even Woodward and Bernstein proud. What’s so difficult to understand is how the liberals he profiles have flown under the radar screen for so long. Why have reporters and television journalists not uncovered the explosive findings Schweizer uncovers? The answer, of course, is that reporters don’t find what they aren’t looking for. And it’s sad, honestly, because the level of ideologically driven reporting has further eroded the fourth estate.

[…]

Reporters and those profiled have some major explaining to do. This will become an instant conservative classic and raise some eyebrows from honest liberals as well.

Ah yes, Wynton C. Hall. Here’s an interview at Jonah’s main shack, NRO, with the authors of Landmark Speeches of the American Conservative Movement, Peter F. Schweitzer and Wynton C. Hall.

After some thought, we’ve settled on a term for this endemic practice of conservative logrolling. Such an arrangement will henceforth be called ‘a square jerk.’

* Correction: The ‘reviews’ we were thinking of are in the discussion section at the bottom of the page. This is the first customer review, since the book reached its official publication date today. I believe this only strengthens our point! (All such phrases ©1998-2008, Jonah Goldberg.)

Update: Groan. USA Today is featuring a whole extra load of Jonah’s crackpot revisionism, this time on Putin’s invocations of FDR, and how FDR was a fascist and so is Putin, and therefore George W. Bush is the opposite of what fascist liberals call ‘a fascist.’

Is it possible for a conservative to have an idea so stupid that he isn’t rewarded for it?

[Hanx! Cleek]