Sadly, No!

Apparently it’s a good thing for the world when Jack Cashill is focused solely on Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

Jack Cashill, American… No. Just no.:
Why Florida Persists in the Zimmerman Persecution

…

Because he shot and killed a child in cold blood.

That’s why he’s being prosecuted. Because he killed someone. Or more importantly because he’s been accused of killing someone. Cause that’s what happens when you’re accused of committing a crime.

For someone who spends so much of his time whining about how “having a few small questions about the Satanist plot to brainrape anyone who knows about Obama’s secret Kenyan abortion doctor birth certificate” doesn’t at all make him a racist, Jack Fuckwit here is not doing himself any favors by literally boggling at the concept that the legal system isn’t actually just for keeping the niggers and the faggots down.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• I’m selling a book, so please take the time to listen to my incredibly belated attempt at white-washing and dime-store legal ninjitsu on why Trayvon Martin actually used his tentacle mindrape powers to make Al Sharpton snipers take fire on poor huddled George Zimmerman before breaking out tiny Skittle bayonets and stabbing him over and over forcing the confused and harried Zimmerman to shoot an unarmed teenage boy.

And somehow, despite his Johnny-Reb-come-lately attempt to corner the KKK bookworm market, he still manages to find a way to be more offensive than the psychopaths who turned George Zimmerman into a cult conservative hero in the first place*.
Read the rest of this entry »

I got an old oscilloscope a few years ago because I work on antique guitar amps, and because I didn’t realize how it would freaking ruin my appreciation of science fiction.

The trouble began when I watched Silent Running and saw that my exact model of oscilloscope was in use on the bridge of the Valley Forge, as a sensor to detect distant spacecraft.

I have been unable to use this feature on mine. There is no combination of settings that seems to detect spacecraft at any distance. Hell with you, Silent Running.

Over time, through other movies and TV episodes, I learned that my oscilloscope’s capabilities also include alien language translation, tractor-beaming, and scanning for life forms.

Needless to say, if I can’t detect spaceships, I’m not going to have any aliens to talk to whose space-gibberish needs translating. No combination of settings seems to emit tractor beams. The bushes outside could be rustling with ninjas for all I can tell, scanwise.

Plus, if that life-form-scanning function even worked, how would I know it wasn’t detecting me, earthworms, or even airborne bacteria? You might as well have a device in your home to detect atmospheric nitrogen (or gravity).

So long story short, yesterday I attempted to watch the first episode of Space:1999 only to find Barbara Bain (as Dr. Helena Russell) using my very oscilloscope to detect abnormal brainwave activity among the personnel of Moonbase Alpha.

I’m going to assume without even checking the knob settings and output jacks that this represents YET ONE MORE FRAUD perpetrated upon the science-fiction community by the oscilloscope lobby.

[PS: If the vid doesn’t start at 1:20, advance the slider-thingy. KTHX! -Steiner]

“I know all about threats. They’ve come after me, they’ve audited my taxes, they’ve tried to besmirch my reputation, they’ve have tried to attack my character.” -John Fund doing his best Tommy Wiseau impersonation

Shorter John Superfund, Abominable Views:
Minimum Wage Equals Maximum Confusion

• The minimum wage is racist.

Yeah, I guess 30+ years after the Feudalistic Right sold everybody the fantasy that if we just hold our breaths and wish hard enough, we can all be lifted up on the 1%’s golden parachutes over the rising floodwaters, there’s not enough rhetoric in the world to make us swallow that horse chestnut one more time. As such, defenders of perpetual serfdom have had to get more creative to argue why workers should continue to get less than the living wage so that a handful of rich douchebags can buy another set of matching Lambourghinis with their record profits.

And who is better suited for creative fictions than a man willing to invent a fake campaign to self-promote himself?

According to boyfriend of the year, John Fund, since segregationists occasionally passed laws that benefited people in the name of hurting minorities (probably the only way you can get a conservative to pass a law that benefits another human being who isn’t a rich white douchebag), this somehow makes the Fair Labor Standards Act and all subsequent minimum wage laws triple Calvin Candie evil or something.

No, seriously.

It’s time for conservatives to take the offense against the minimum wage, which has a sordid history rooted in the Jim Crow era. The nation’s first mandated wage floor came during the Great Depression in the form of the Davis-Bacon Act of 1931, which set permissible levels of compensation for any federally financed or assisted construction projects. The “prevailing wage” levels set by Davis-Bacon are, in effect, almost always union wage rates.

I suppose when this argument is appropriately laughed off the stage, John will follow it up by arguing that the mandatory sprinkler system laws passed in the wake of the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire were an attempt to block women from the workplace and therefore work safety laws are sexist.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. I could spend hours on each of these lunatics’ bizarre and colorful pasts. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

I know this is a bit late, but I totally see what Jeffrey Goldberg’s doing there:

I bring [Virgin Ben’s “Friends of Hamas” smear of Chuck Hagel] up to note the remarkable fact that Mr. Shapiro, who has positioned himself as a stalwart defender of Israel and of the Jewish people, has expressed views that place him squarely in the fascist camp…In a column published in 2003, Shapiro explicitly endorsed the idea of forcibly expelling the Palestinians from the West Bank. This was the position of the extremist Meir Kahane, who was banned by the Israeli Supreme Court from participating in Israeli politics because of his racist views.

Bad Virgin Ben! Doesn’t he know that — oh:

The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg Was a Follower of Jewish Rightwing Terrorist Meir Kahane

Now Goldberg’s using Jennifer “Bili” Rubin in exactly the same way and since we all live in what someone smart called the United States of Amnesia, he’ll get away with it, becoming the Moderate & Reasonable Jeffrey Goldberg.

The “less extrem[ist], more civil” David Frum has been working this same schtick for several years now. Yeah, David Frum.

ABOVE: David French

Shorter David French, America’s Shittiest Website™

Libertines, Leftists, and Libertarians

• The gays are responsible for our national debt crisis.

A reader recently complained to the WaPo ombudsman that the WaPo was too nice to gays, that it even included stories about gay people (gasp!) dating. Instead, the reader whined, the WaPo should mention that Billy Graham and the Pope think that two gay men going out for pizza are both just one slice away from damnation and that dating gays eating pizza devalues pizza for normal straight people. When the ombudsman explained that it was only a matter of basic fairness and decency that the WaPo treated gay people like everyone else, well that prompted an outpouring of wingnut hysteria from the like of James Tarantoad at the White Street Journal and David French over at America’s Shittiest Website.™

Tarantoad merely huffs and puffs about the WaPo’s  leftist liberal pansy-pandering bias. French, however, takes it to a new level, particularly over the ombudsman saying reporters are merely being libertarian when they treat gays like normal human beings and not the diseased, family-wrecking, drug-addled immoral perverts and pariahs that they are.

It’s astounding how many times liberals say “libertarian” when they really mean “libertine.” In reality, when it comes to sexual politics, the mindset is far more libertine and left than libertarian. They’re libertine when it comes to certain forms of self-indulgence (don’t tell me what I can do with my body!), but they’re leftist when it comes to the consequences (don’t make me bear the costs of my choices! I thought government is that thing we do together!). By contrast, the true libertarian may or may not be personally libertine, but they also do not believe someone else should be compelled to pay the costs of their behavior.

Yes, that’s the problem with gays. If you let them go on dates, they expect you to pay for their pizza. If you let them get married, they demand that the federal government pay for their big gay wedding cake, and their reception and honeymoon, and their cute little townhouse in Gayville. I mean, honestly, what the fuck is this guy talking about? Oh wait, obviously when gay people get married, the taxpayer has to pay for the cost of the marriage license, unlike the marriage licenses issued to straights which are paid for by the, er, same taxpayer.  Nevermind.

Of course, the exorbitant demands of the gays that everyone else pay for their gayness, by picking up their their gay bar tabs and paying for their Lady Gaga music download is what is wrecking our economy

The sexually libertine leftist lays the groundwork for cultural and fiscal ruin.

No, really, he actually said that. Gays are to blame for the national debt, not the Congressional Republicans who fought two unnecessary wars on credit.

Subsidizing family destruction creates perverse incentives at the individual level, fosters ever-more destructive behavior, and consequently impairs our economic ability to continue the subsidy as we create a vast and growing pool of state dependents.

You see, when gays get married, they stop work so that they can stay home and fuck all day, then demand welfare benefits, and the next thing you know those millions of non-working, married gays on the dole have added another trillion dollars to the national debt.

Oh, and as the voting pool of dependents grows, reform is ever-more politically difficult.

The problem is not only that we let the gays marry but also, and even worse, we let them vote!

Well, that’s all for now. I’m off to the welfare office to pick up my gayfare check.

Ignore the alt-text, there is nothing amazing behind this standard drunk uncle rant to be.

David Lawrence, American Average Americans:
Chatting about Gays at Gleason’s

As their world crumbles before their very eyes and the social changes they have desperately tried to inoculate themselves against finally bulge and bend against their steel reinforced closets, conservatives have become nostalgic of late. Nostalgic for a time when they could rant like a drunken buffoon about the various inherent villainies of the unprotected underclasses and their poor liberal friends just had to cough their way through it so they wouldn’t be seen as “rude”.

Verbatim (And fuck your boat, we’re going far beyond mangoes tonight!):

• I miss the beauty of the world. I miss when things were done well. I miss when every value wasn’t undercut by ideological intent. I miss when people told themselves the truth and knew what was good and what wasn’t. I am sick of the progressive world. I want to celebrate a regressive world without listening to fools cherish every possible change or re-evaluation.

Read the rest of this entry »

Is there even anyone left alive who still reads this shit rag?

George Will, The Washington Post Ain’t What it Used to be:
State of the Union Nonsense

One of the many interesting mutations to develop in the radiation treatment that was this last election was how the various denizens of Wingnuttopia decided to handle their various fuckups with regards to pomp and circumstance.

Specifically, whenever they managed to fuck up something like a debate or a convention, there was suddenly an outpouring of paid hacks to argue that said debates or conventions shouldn’t have ever existed because of the “no fair beating us on our style game, you big poopyheads” rule. Now, some may recognize this approach from their middle school days when some friend of theirs responded to not making the football team or not getting together with a romantic interest by pretending they never even wanted to in the first place and besides the expectations that they should do X type activities is a bunch of bullshit.

Well, luckily for all of us who wanted to live those halcyon days (i.e. literally no one), the right wing are deciding to make it part of their standard response set to what will surely be a long line of failure.

First up for the treatment in the new year is the State of the Union.
Read the rest of this entry »

Shorter Jonathan S. Tobin
Commentardy
“Hagel’s Critics Are Still the Winners”

• Though it appears the Hagel nomination will be confirmed by the Senate, we who opposed it are still winners for we showed the world that we can smear anyone as an anti-Semitic traitor and totally get away with it.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Cf.

Above: Hughe Hewtit award nominee, non-cancerous wife.

Shorter Newton Leroy Gingrich
Subhumans Venting Online
“Gingrich: Why Rove and Stevens are plain wrong”

• Karl Rove and his billionaire employers have no place in a Republican party whose “grassroots” are watered by the Koch brothers and whose proper candidates are funded by Sheldon Adelson.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

It’s been a while since we left a flaming bag of poop on our pal TBogg’s doorstep, but we couldn’t help tweeting the author of the America’s Worst Mother series soon after we saw this Daily Mail piece show up in our Facebook news feed. Here’s the lede:

Looking at the garish party invitation in my daughter’s hand, my heart sank. The venue was bad enough: the dirty, sticky soft play area at our local leisure centre. But the name of the birthday girl told me all I needed to know.

With her pierced ears, passion for pink leggings and array of electronic play equipment, Charmaine is definitely not the sort of child I want my daughter associating with. Pretending to look at my diary, I sighed. ‘Oh what a shame. We’re busy on that day.’

Poppy looked disappointed until I promised to organise an extra tennis lesson. ‘Why don’t you invite Maisie?’ I suggested, naming a classmate I do approve of.

From there it gets even more Oniony and April Foolsy, but is apparently serious. As it is outside our realm of expertise, we lay it down, cautiously ring the doorbell of a certain SoCal casa and run like hell.