Sadly, No!

Shorter The Editurds
America’s Shittiest Website
“Tailgunner Ted?”

• Just because Democrats are unhappy that Ted Cruz smeared Chuck Hagel as the Mullahchurian Candidate, doesn’t mean Cruz is McCarthyite. We knew and loved Joe McCarthy. Ted Cruz is no Joe McCarthy.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Ben Howe, Diarist at Red Face

Shorter Ben Howe, Red State
Google: The Democrat’s [sic] Private Intelligence Agency

• Google is reading my mail so that it can force me to vote for Democrats.

The “diarists” over at Red State, kindly put, can’t figure out how to flush a toilet without an instruction manual and hot hunky tower of manliness Ben Howe is no exception. (Actually, Ben would probably need to have the instruction manual read to him.) Even so, Ben’s notion that Google is reading his email and his attempts on Google Docs to write Hunger Games fanfic as part of some giant conspiracy to keep the Kenyan usurper in the White House really takes Red State diarist stupidity to a new level.

Remember that enormous, sophisticated data operation the Obama campaign had? The one that gave them massive daily data on public opinion trends in almost every segment of potential voters.

It’s almost as if Democrats had access to some sort of huge database of real time information about what the public was reading or writing online. The kind of breathtakingly large, real-time data that could be used for real-time trend analysis, predictive modeling and even behavioral manipulation.

Now if you think Ben is going to pause even a nanosecond between “it’s almost as if” and “it’s an absolute fact,” you have seriously underestimated him.

Now, combine Obama’s political campaign with Google’s near-comprehensive real-time data and the left’s behavioral analysis. What do you get? Beat.

You see Romney didn’t lose because he wanted to cut Medicare so his buddies could buy bigger yachts. No, he lost because he got scroogled. The almighty Google read everyone’s Gmails so that the company could turn all its Gmail users, who otherwise would definitely have voted for Romney, into mindless Obamatons who stood in line for hours to carry out commands from Great Google and the Negro Usurper.

I suppose this is not much dumber than saying that Obama won because he gave all the darkies Obama phones or because Hurricane Sandy blew all the Romney voters into the basement of a split-level in Montauk and trapped them there until the election was over.

 

Above: Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)

Yes, Dan’l Webster’s dead — or, at least, they buried him. But every time there’s a thunderstorm around Marshfield, they say you can hear his rolling voice in the hollows of the sky. And they say that if you go to his grave and speak loud and clear, “Dan’l Webster — Dan’l Webster!” the ground’ll begin to shiver and the trees begin to shake. And after a while you’ll hear a deep voice saying, “Neighbor, how stands the Union?” Then you better answer the Union stands as she stood, rock-bottomed and copper-sheathed, one and indivisible, or he’s liable to rear right out of the ground.

–Stephen Vincent Benét, ‘The Devil and Daniel Webster’ (1937).

So how’s Barry doing?

And you thought poorly written fan fiction was the worst thing to happen to the Kink community.

Walter Kirn, Even the Liberal New Republic:
What Gun Owners Really Want

You know what I’d love to not be writing about right now?

Goddamn guns.

I mean, it’s not like other things haven’t been happening since Sandy Hook. The Pope resigned from being God’s personal dickbag to being just one of his dangly follicles again. The Republicans are attempting to shut down their fake Tea Party apparatus down and finding it’s mutated on them. And the president is continuing to be offensively non-white at right-thinking white people everywhere.

And yet, here I am talking about a two week old post like it was a fresh bag of garbage. And that’s because every time I fire up the usual haunts, I get a nonstop flow of attempted rationalizations over why every paranoid schizophrenic needs an anti-tank rifle and an ICBM.

Oh sure, there’s other stuff too, but the various permutations of scared little boys having a temper tantrum about someone saying they might have to restrict their favorite toys a little if they keep on insisting in killing all the little girls they can just keeps on a’rollin’.

And today’s post being as it is a product of Even the Liberal New Republic’s raison d’être provides a somewhat revelatory admission amongst the usual distractionary bullshit.

Shorter (or the last port before Jungle):

• You liberals just don’t understand how intoxicatingly erotic firearms are, with their sultry curves and powerful triggers, yanking back hard on my shoulder, like… uh, er, right, yes, obviously, us gun nuts can be trusted on gun policy and remember that we’re the only voice that matters in the debate much like the only voice that matters in domestic violence policy are BDSM life-players and the only voice in suicide policy are autoerotic asphyxiation enthusiasts.

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Yes, the McMahons are wingnuts but they are more loyal to their business — dare I say craft or art form? — than to politics. They know that a necessary ingredient in watchable wrestling is a great heel; and a great heel must have a great gimmick.

Ladies and gentlemen, representing the Tea Party, Uncle Zebekiah Coulter:

Formerly known as Dutch Mantel, a real relic of a wrestler who has done pretty much everything in the business. He was a booker (writer) for many years and I wouldn’t be surprised if he scripts most or even all of his new wingnut character’s lines. He’ll be cheered in deep red places, hated in blue states. This is a special wingnut event for me as I was a huge wrestling fan as a kid and remember hating Dutch Mantell with a passion when he was in Memphis trolling Jerry Lawler. Good times.
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Shorter Terry Jeffrey
Clownhall.com
“Karl Rove Is Not a Conservative”

• During the George W. Bush administration, which was highly unpopular among Republicans, the government collected taxes, funded a Department of Education, and blew up Iraq in the name of democracy. Ergo, Karl Rove can’t be a conservative.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Above: Masterbaitor of marketing, left, consults with human-weasel hybrid.

Shorter DoughBob Splodepantz
Gnashunall Review
“Two Cheers for Rebranding “

• Minorities and the poor can surely be duped into voting Republican if our same crap policies are pitched by wealthy men with friendly brown or beige faces.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Just like the:

Hi, I’m back!

The DOJ’s position that Americans can be murdered by drones if the Preznit wants them murdered by drones is founded on a tortured and torturous expansion of the definition of “imminent threat,” “self-defense,” “senior operational leaders,” “feasible capture,” and probably several other plain-meaning words and phrases I’ve missed in the Isikoff article because my head is about to explode. In the end it doesn’t really matter what words, phrases, legal doctrines, and common-sensibly agreed-upon definitions they’ve subverted in order to legally break the law; it’s just a means to the end of maximum executive power. Ambitious, amoral lawyers have always delighted powerful men by coming up with newer, more clever ways to twistify the rules in order to make those men more powerful and this is no exception. I dunno what to do about it; no, Mr. Sobchak, no one gives a shit about the rules.
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