Sadly, No!

Say, gang! Know what would really tickle folks’ funnybones? If we took that hoity-toity Barack Hussein Obama fella’s political slogans and mixed ’em up a bit so’s they don’t make him look so high-and-mighty! Why, that’d be a downright firecracker of a … what’s that? You say that young cut-up Ben Shapiro’s already beat us to the punch? Why I’d like to show that precocious little so-and-so what’s what, if you know what I … aw, heck. Who’m I kidding? I can’t stay mad at Ben.

Above: So heterosexual, we forgot to order a frozen
pomegranate gingertini

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Welp, let’s see what the clever little card’s cooked up for us on the rib-tickling front! He’s sure to have come up with some doozies!

Obama has it all. All except for one thing: a new slogan. Hope and change are all well and good, but they seem tired. After a year and a half, hope and change begin to wear thin, despite the Holy One’s profound enunciation of those shallow incantations.

And so I, a humble member of a planet dedicated to the glory and power of Barack Obama, offer the following suggestions:

When Experience, Knowledge and Honor Just Aren’t Good Enough. Vote Obama.

Hope. Change. And All That Other BS. Vote Obama.

More Experience Than a Fifth Grader. Vote Obama.

Standing Up For the Power of Horse Manure. Vote Obama.

Talking Big. Doing Nothing. Vote Obama.

This Election Is All About You. Voting for Me. Vote Obama.

Sure, I Remember Voting In the Senate That One Time. Vote Obama.

Kim Jung Il, Hamas and Fidel Castro Can’t Be Wrong. Vote Obama.

Pass the Arugula. Vote Obama.

You Say Corrupt Land Deal. I Say Creative Financing. Potaytoe, Potahtoe. Vote Obama.

Like Black People? Vote Obama.

The Man With The Iraq Plan. Yeah, The Plan That Didn’t Work. So What, Racist? Vote Obama.

Flag Pins Are Stupid. But I’m Not Unpatriotic. You Racist. Vote Obama.

Don’t Like My Pastor? Shut Up, Racist. Still Don’t Like Him? I Guess I Don’t, Either. Vote Obama.

Watch the Oceans Recede. Watch the World Make Peace. And Watch As I Saw This Woman In Half! Vote Obama.

Fooling All of the People All of the Time. Vote Obama.

Cut Military Funding. Dictators Are Nice. Vote Obama.

Yes We Can. Or Rather, I Can. Vote Obama.

Oh. Hmm. Right then. Erm … ha ha … oh my, will you look at the time?!? Ha ha … unh-hunh … yes, best be off. Toodles!

…Since I’ve pissed off so many people below, I wanna point out a couple of things:

• Look, I went too far in saying Obama is doooooooooomed. But he will be if his only rebuttal to McCain is to whine about his taking “the low road.” Well, no shit McCain is taking the low road — after years of failed Republican governments, the low road is all he and his pals have left.

• My personal preference is for the Democrats to just smack these bastards silly and never be nice. Obama has obviously painted himself into a corner with his “politics of change” theme, but that doesn’t mean his surrogates can’t start whacking St. BBQ around on a daily basis. This is, of course, why I was so annoyed with the Obama crew for not having Wes Clark’s back when he made the very obvious point that getting shot down in a plane does not a president make.

• Finally, I want there to be more out-and-out ridicule against the Republicans. There is a definite mockery gap between the two parties, as the Republicans have figured out how to “BWAH-HA-HAAA!!!” Democrats and really make it stick. If you don’t believe me, consider: “I never inhaled,” “I invented the Internet,” tank helmets, and windsurfing. Yes, all this stuff is childish, but it fucking works. Ridiculing and demeaning your opponents in a childish manner is something that the average voter respects. Personally speaking, I’d like to start rumors about how McCain has an unseemly and un-American lobster fetish. Maybe we could even launch a 527 called Swift Crustaceans for the Truth to expose how McCain has for years been molesting innocent sea creatures at his elitist island home on the Cayman Islands.

The point is, somebody needs to start doing dirty tricks. Somebody needs to take the low road. Because if Obama lets the spite gap get out of control, we’re all going to be holding our heads the day after Election Day mumbling bitterly about how our candidate was smarter, had better ideas, was more positive, etc., but still lost. As another like-minded blogger has pointed out, “These rats ain’t gonna fuck themselves.”

[Pic via Jazz From Hell]

One of American liberalism’s saddest myths is that the American people are inherently good, optimistic folks who have been duped into voting against their interests by crafty Republicans who play on their spites and resentments. If only the Democrats could nominate someone who embodies a new kind of politics where people are offered hope instead of anger, this reasoning goes, they will see the truth and sweep the Democrats into power.

In the real world, of course, this isn’t true. People love voting out of spite in this country, and the Republicans know it. That’s how so many Republicans, from Nixon to Reagan to Bush, all won two presidential terms despite having economic policies that hurt the average American to benefit the super-rich. And now, McCain is following in this proud tradition by making his entire campaign exclusively negative.

Just take a look at the campaigns’ two online press rooms to see this dynamic at work. On the Obama side, you’ve got stuff like this:

• Obama links economy to foreign policy

• NASA’s 50th anniversary: a statement from Sen. Obama

• Obama urges Iran to accept EU nuke proposal

Above: “Vote McCain, or…”

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Indeed, if you look at the campaign’s compilation of official press releases, you’ll see that the Obama crew haven’t even mentioned McCain since June 22. The McCain press room, on the other hand, is filled with things like this:

• “Obama’s Missed Visit”

• “Obamanomics Is A Recipe For Recession”

• “Obama the Unknown”

And that’s how it’s going to play out. St. BBQ will run an exclusively negative campaign calling Obama a Hollywood hip-hop lovin’, troop hatin’ fag, while Obama will get out on the stump and talk about the politics of hope. If you can’t see where this is headed, you just haven’t been paying attention for the last 40 years.

Malkin’s latest, translated from the edited version:

Presidential Idol
The Brangelina-fication of the Obamas.

You couldn’t pass a grocery store line this weekend without seeing the picture-perfect smiles of the Obama family. There were Barack Obama’s young daughters (whose privacy their parents so sanctimoniously claim to want to protect) flashing their pearly whites on the cover of People. Malia and Sasha competed for attention right next to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s toddler daughter, Shiloh, whose cherubic face was splashed on the cover of another celebrity tabloid. Next to them beamed basket-case starlet Lindsay Lohan and her new lesbian lover — oh, and that formerly pregnant “man” who just gave birth to a baby girl.

The Obamas blended seamlessly into this Hollyweird pop-culture galaxy.

Blast! Losing … control. Got to keep … rage … from taking over …

The spread in People, which earlier this year fawned over a photo of the bare-chested Obama in his swimsuit, was supposed to be an ‘exclusive’ first and last look at life at home with the Obamas. Knowing what we know about the Obama we know now, it probably won’t be the last.

Arghhh! Anger … building! Feel change coming! Warned them … they wouldn’t like me … when I’m angry! Gaahhhh! No! It’s … too … late … unhhh! Got … to … aarrrrggggGHHHHHNNNNRRRAAAAWWWRRRRR!!!!!

They’ve hawked the kids to TV gossip show Access Hollywood, blabbed about their romance to Us Weekly, and plopped Michelle O — the purported “civilian” whom the Obamessiah declares immune from public criticism — in front of the cameras to schmooze effortlessly for The Colbert Report and The View demographics. They believe their two-faced tabloid strategy (show their true elitist colors behind closed doors, but play the Every Family for the Obamedia sycophants) is working.

RAWRRR! BWAHAHA! MALKIN TRY TO KEEP HULKIN DOWN! TRY TO HIDE HULKIN FROM EDITORS OF MALKIN! BUT HULKIN IS MOST OUTRAGED ONE THERE IS! AND NOW HULKIN WILL SHOW EDITORS OF MALKIN HOW HULKIN WILL SMASH EDITORS OF MALKIN!!!!

Given our dumbed-down, celebrity-obsessed culture, they are probably right.

HULKIN WILL SMASH CELEBRITY-OBSESSED CULTURE!!!

Who cares about Barack’s perilous lack of foreign-policy experience, his longtime associations with left-wing radicals and domestic terrorists, and his business dealings with Chicago corruptocrats? People brings you the scoop on what really matters in this critical presidential campaign: Michelle hula-hoops with her daughters. They’re just like you and me! The kids have slumber parties. They’re just like you and me! Barack does laundry, but he doesn’t fold it. They’re just like you and me! The kids get small allowances. They’re just like you and me! The Obamas wear normal clothes while doing normal things.

PUNY OBAMAS! TRY TO HURT HULKIN! TRY TO MAKE HULKIN THINK HULKIN’S INCREASINGLY OUT-OF-STEP POLITICAL VIEWS NOT POLITICAL VIEWS OF AMERICA!

THEY’RE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!

HULKIN SMASH YOU AND ME!

There’s a popular feature in most gossip magazines that rates celebrities as “normal” vs. “not normal” or “diva” vs. “down to earth.” This is supposed to humanize the stars and make celebrity followers feel better about their empty idol worship. Paparazzi catch “normal” famous people in candid moments — taking out the trash, scarfing down hot dogs, goofing around with their kids at the playground — and magazine editors compare them to photos of “not normal” celebs in elitist repose — walking with their umbrella carriers, surrounded by seven bodyguards and three nannies, boarding their Gulfstreams, etc.

PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS TRY TO CONFUSE HULKIN! TRY TO PLAY TRICKS ON HULKIN!

The fatal flaw in the tabloids’ Obamas-as-next-door-neighbors propaganda, of course, is that unlike the candid shots of normal, down-to-earth celebrities without makeup or entourages, the photos of the Obamas in “normal” mode are all carefully choreographed fauxtographs.

THINK HULKIN TOO STUPID TO SEE TRICKS OF PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS!

While Snobama complains about “bitter” rural voters who “cling” to their guns and religion and moans about the price of arugula in his candid unscripted moments, JustLikeYou&Me Michelle cunningly brags about buying her sundresses at discount retailer H&M and, with studied casualness, tells reporters that she doesn’t mind if the kids’ beds aren’t perfectly made. Uh-huh.

BUT HULKIN NOT STUPID! CAN SEE TRICKS OF PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS!

The Obamas do everything but pick their noses for the cameras to mimic Real People bona fides. The Obamedia stenographers in the celebrity press — and the mainstream press, for that matter — eat it up. And so do the American people. Former Star magazine editor Bonnie Fuller, citing a poll showing that more adults would like to invite Obama to a summer barbecue than McCain, hailed the Obamas in Advertising Age as the “Brangelina of the political world.”

AND NOW HULKIN WILL SMASH PUNY MAGAZINE EDITORS!

Obama and his political paparazzi are banking on people’s stupidity and his cult of personality to carry him to the White House. Unfortunately, the odds are in his favor.

GRRRRRRAWW! HULKIN SMASH POLITICAL ZEITGEIST WHEN POLITICAL ZEITGEIST NOT FAVORABLE TO PREFERRED PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF HULKIN!

Just try talking to one of the millions of people with their noses buried in People or Us about Obama’s relationship with Jeremiah Wright or Bill Ayers, his flip-flops on the Iraq war surge and his reckless naivete regarding Iran, and you’ll see what I mean.

ARGGGGHHHH!!! THE MORE MAGINALIZED POLITICAL INSANITY OF HULKIN GETS, THE MADDER HULKIN GETS!

The exclamation of a journalist at the UNITY minority news media gathering this weekend sums up the star-struck reverence that fuels the Obama phenomenon: “He touched me!” And yet, he’s sooo “down to earth.”

Hurtling toward a government of the stupid, by the stupid, for the stupid we go.

PUNY MAINSTREAM AMERICAN OPINION! HULKIN … SMASH … PUNY … MAINSTREAM … MAJORITY … OPINION … SUR … VEYS … HMPHH … GAK … EYES … HEAVY … RAGE … SUBSIDINGZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

Shorter Michael Gaynor:

20ish Marie Jon’: NOT Hypnotized By Obama

Above: Not a recent picture

• That young Marie Jon’ sure is purty. [spit-combs hair, slicks down eyebrows] Smart as a whip, too. D’you think she’d go out with me?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Dan Riehl:

I Demand An Apology!

• As the possible descendant of an alleged German indentured servant, I am entitled to ask: Do I deserve somehow less of an apology for slavery than the descendants of millions of black Africans held in centuries of generational bondage thanks to their own backwards tribal culture and its shameful failure at protecting its people against our superior system of laws and government?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Today’s runner-up in cake-taking is Confederate Yankee:

Lynching, Lynching Everywhere…

Because no, it doesn’t take place in the Old West, and woo! nice try, bub.

In Mr. Yankee’s defense, his own essai in favor of lynching appeared in late June, indeed lending credence to his claim that Max Blumenthal’s July 29 broadside against lynching-related imagery is “delusional” as well as a species of “unintentionally funny, lethally-refined insanity.” Because here’s the thing: June is before, while July is after. In other words, one thing was then, while the other is now.

Allow us more fully to explain the difference: It is different good ha-ha not same bad boo-hoo.

Coming soon: Confederate Yankee hucks and snortles about shooting people again, accuses liberals of moral weakness in opposing acts of heroic and necessary violence, reaches with left hand for used tissue or stray tube sock.

Today’s runner-up in cake-taking is also Confederate Yankee:

Selective Outrage

Because when a right-wing lunatic carries out a murderous shotgun rampage during a children’s musical performance at a liberal church, that pales in comparison to this.

The second auxiliary booby-prize runner-up is Ace of Spades HQ, for its ongoing ‘millions of idiots think that Obama is some kind of savior’ gag, which suddenly, and as though no one had ever said such a thing, Eschered into its opposite:

Obama Arrogant?

Bonus points are awarded for the original story being wrong, and Slublog, the post’s author, reacting to the correction with a claim that it only underscores his point. That trick always works, and never makes people look petty and insecure.

The McCain-Obama Death List

The following is a partial list of deaths of persons connected to both John NMA McCain and Barack HUSSEIN Obama during their time as presidential hopefuls in the United States. This list does not include numerous suspicious deaths of persons connected to McCain and Obama separately. Read the list and judge for yourself…

SOJOURNER ‘FATIMAH’ SHABAZZ – Bangladeshi mother of Arab baby “adopted” by Cyndi McCain from 1984-2003. Grew to regret Muslim indoctrination, converting to Christianity and attempted to reclaim illegitimate black baby from McCains in years approx. 1972 timeframe. Executed 1999 in Darfur under orders of Hova tribesmen related by blood and marriage to Obama, head transported to Bohemian Grove in Northern California as trophy. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death.

ANTONIN BLAIR – Former Chicago city comptroller killed in 1997 cocaine bludgeoning overdose choking stab plunge gunshot from tall building beheaded shotgun blast. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. Just weeks earlier had served multiple subpoenas on illegitimate nephews of Obama, including John McCain.

DESHAUN ‘BLACK JUJU’ HAYNESWORTH – Small-time Washington D.C. drug dealer found murdered in 2008 with sharpened crack cocaine outside Arlington, Va. home of McCain and Obama.

ST. JOHN REINHOLD – Austro-Cornish adventurer and mountaineer known for scaling 17 of world’s 19 40,000+-foot peaks without breathing oxygen. Buried in 2002 avalanche of mousepads at computer distribution warehouse owned by Obama high school associate Dennis O’Halloran. Had been investigating Sherpa MySpace suicide pact allegedly engineered by former McCain technology advisor Phil McCracken, who himself disappeared in 2006 only to reappear hours later. Strongly implied that the ‘baby daddy’ was Barack ‘John McCain’ Obama.

PANCHO CORDOZA – Died from a gunshot wound. Mexican telemundo actor who portrayed stunt double for popular Sr. Bee character on Channel 12. Still living and employed as former Chicago city comptroller.

OLDSMOBILE JOHNSON – Transvestite homosexual prepared to testify about Obama connection to Hormel meat processing scandal. Confided to friends before 1893 death that McCain did it. Found shot and stabbed in fall from tall building, death ruled ‘murder’. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death.

JOHN-JOHN ‘THE TOTAL FAG’ DIETZ – Author of tell-all book on McCain, ‘One Of These Days, Cyndi, One Of These Days’, also one of Michelle Obama’s many white, female conquests while at Harvard. Filed murder complaint against Michelle Obama with federal Patent and Trademark Office in 2003. Died from a gunshot wound. Because ‘trademarks’ were not considered a crime like it is today, she ended up dropping the charges. Fifteen years later, found murdered to death by Obama, Michelle Obama and John McCain of an apparent murder.

HARACK OUSSEIN BOBAMA – Still-born white Christian heterosexual twin brother of Obama. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. Injured 1961 while still in womb when McCain punched white mother of Obama in stomach. Obama finished job on potential presidential rival by sawing off twin’s head with makeshift ritual Muslim scimitar constructed from placenta, partially digested former Chicago city comptroller.

PETER NOONE – Popular lead singer of Herman’s Hermits. Found dead of apparent suicide in 1979 following ‘row’ with Obama, McCain in latter’s bathtub. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

QUINTLOCK P. MUNROE – After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. Former Chicago city comptroller with licensing contract to McCain, Obama, killed by way of death in recent years.

MILES BANDERCOOT & JAKE LARUE – Clones of Obama and McCain respectively. Developed self-awareness in 1987 chemical vat incident before being gunned down by onlookers.

SPORT GOODMAN – Beloved Utica, N.Y.-based newscaster and former Chicago city comptroller rolled up into little ball and made to go ‘POOF’ in a cloud of smoke as if he had never existed.

DABNEY ‘GAB’ SADDLEMAN – Former Chicago city comptroller stomped to death in riot of former city comptrollers instigated by McCain crony Obama at behest of Obama crony McCain. Died from a gunshot wound.

PAUL ROTHCHILD – Democrat National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Washington DC in 2003. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death. A ‘friend and trusted advisor’ to senatorial candidate Barack Obama. Dead of an apparent suicide. Was found dead of an apparent heroin overdose May 18, 1997. Former Chicago city comptroller died from a gunshot wound. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house. It was rumored he was going to bring evidence of Wright’s complicity in his father’s death. Died from a gunshot wound. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

Shorter Real Clear Politics:

Lone Madman Used to Smear GOP

Above: Donald Douglas is only thinking of the families

• Saddeningly, deranged liberals have ignored my reasoned call to both sides to stop politicizing the so-called conservative gunman who went on a shooting rampage against, uh, people.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Bonus Donald Douglas: We find concern-trollery at its most basic in Douglas’s plea to “partisans of both sides” to “end the politicization of personal tragedies.” (Contrariwise, we would call on partisans of both sides to condemn murderous attacks on liberal churches.) But he reaches an expert cadence in the plaint that, through identifying the alleged assailant as a conservative, “the suffering of the church victims and their families is largely forgotten.” Truly, let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

We are also schooled in integrity when Douglas slants things this way and that way in order to make dirty old reality line up better with clean, elegant conservatism.¹ It begins like this:

[The alleged assailant Jim David] Adkisson reportedly declared not only his hatred of the “liberal movement,” but also “anyone different from him.”

As you can see, the quote is not in fact attributed to Adkisson, and is significantly chopped even from the second-remove Star-Tribune version at the link. It reads in full: “He disliked blacks, gays, anyone who was a different color or just different from him.” In other words, unlike all of American conservatism until just this moment, Adkisson’s xenophobia was apparently coextensive with a hatred of modernity, roughly identified as ”liberalism,” in a way that was seemingly compatible with the views expressed by reactionary figures such as are heard on talk radio. Who indeed had ever heard of such a thing.

This ends with the incident (pace Douglas) proving the depravity of liberals and their ‘politics of hatred.’ Emphasis his:

In other words, the Adkisson case provides a case study in the secular demonology of the left. We’re seeing the politics of hatred in action. It’s marked by demands for vengeance and modes of discourse seeking to protect the perceived purity of the liberal sensibility. It is irreligious and opportunistic. It is the repudiation of decency. It is the absence of divine soul. With it, we see the Bush adminstration, John McCain, Bill O’Reilly, and Fox News attacked as the manifestation of the Fourth Reich.

There has (and I don’t say this lightly, or in anger, or vainly as though to get a reaction) seldom in my experience been a conservative opinion column that has so closely paralleled the editorial reasoning on view in the Völkischer Beobachter.

Mr. Douglas is a Poli Sci professor. We commend to him the study of politics, specifically in the manner of science; and also repudiate decency and request that as a cobag, he eat it.

¹ Cf.

ABOVE: Betsy Newmark (left)

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Betsy Newmark, charter high school quiz coach and government teacher, as well as a blogger and 24/7 Republican talking-point regurgitator, has put on her sleuth cap and tried to plumb the mystery as to why most newspapers are staying away from the National Enquirer story alleging that the scandal sheet caught John Edwards in a secret rendezvous with his “mistress” and “love child.” Of course, you don’t have to be much of a sleuth yourself to figure out why she thinks that’s the case. (Hint: liberals at work). The real mystery is why someone this dim-witted is allowed to teach impressionable children.

So let’s watch some of Betsy’s sleuthing in action:

I think there are several reasons playing into the MSM disinclination to report this story. I think part of it is just a disinclination to report what Edwards terms as “tabloid trash.” Even though The National Enquirer has a decent background on scandal stories, most MSM journalists consider themselves above re-reporting what [sic] a story that The National Enquirer owns.

Now you know why Betsy isn’t teaching English at her school. You can also find out why she’s not teaching journalism there either if you’ll mosey over with me to the National Enquirer’s website to see that “decent background” and impeccable journalistic integrity at work

There we have, cheek to jowl, as it were, little green men on the moon and John Edwards’s love child.

If there were a police report or some other documentary evidence then they might start reporting what has been going on.

Ya think? Is anyone (other than Betsy) really surprised that the word of several reporters for a paper that specializes in reporting government cover-ups of little green space men might not, in and of itself, be enough to run a story accusing someone of adultery, particularly without any objective documentation?

This, of course, does bring us to the photo question. Supposedly a swarm of National Enquirer reporters and photographers staked out Edwards at a hotel and they couldn’t manage to come up with a single frigging photo of Edwards. That seems a little fishy since every time I do something embarrassing several of my friends, none of whom is a professional photojournalist, have snapped a picture of the deed and emailed it to me (and everyone else I know) before my hangover has even worn off.

This is such a hole — no, such a crater — in the story that even Betsy seems perplexed about it. But never one to let such a tiny obstacle interfere with her efforts to spread calumny about a Democrat, she’s got an answer:

We’ll see what happens when The National Enquirer releases the pictures that their Editor-in-Chief claims that they have.

Oh, Betsy, you’ve been naughty girl haven’t you? You were hoping we wouldn’t click that link, weren’t you? The Editor-in-Chief does not say that he has photos. The blogger interviewing the Editor-in-Chief says that there was a photographer there. Quite a difference. Indeed, if the National Enquirer, which has been humping this story harder than a terrier on a bitch in heat, had such photos, do you think they would keep them locked in their vaults? If you believe that, then I have pictures of Lindsey Graham, dressed in diapers and wearing a dog collar, giving me a blow job.

Woof:

I could cite four or five actions — not speeches — that John McCain has taken that elicit my admiration, even my awe. […] To paraphrase what Kipling said about Gunga Din, John McCain is a better man than most. […] His was a lonely position — virtually suicidal for an all-but-certain presidential candidate and no help when his campaign nearly expired last summer. In all these cases, McCain stuck to his guns.

I’m not sure what drugs McCain puts in his barbecue sauce, but its main purpose seems to be making Washington Post columnists go gay for him. Color me disturbed.