Sadly, No!

More Hyperventilation Treatment

• God, I can’t wait to lose this election.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

And if you want to be even more depressed, I highly recommend this awesome piece Roy penned for the Voice.

UPDATE: Just so you guys know — I’m not saying Obama is doomed to lose the election. I’m saying he needs a change in strategy. Barraging your opponent with negative ads may not be the hopiest thing a candidate can do, but it is effective. Just sayin’, peeps.

New piece up at AlterNet called “The Right’s Five Hilariously Boneheaded Anti-Obama Smears.” An excerpt:

SMEAR #2: BERNIE MAC/LUDACRIS/SOME OTHER BLACK ENTERTAINER WILL BRING DOWN OBAMA’S CAMPAIGN!

When Bill Clinton first denounced Sister Soulja in 1992, the goal was to help the public understand that obscure black entertainers do not, in fact, reflect the views of Democratic presidential candidates. Unfortunately, this dynamic has not played out as Clinton envisioned it, as John Kerry was repeatedly called upon to reject the views of Whoopi Goldberg and Barack Obama has been forced to renounce just about every black entertainer who has supported his candidacy. One of the more recent examples is comedian Bernie Mac, who made a rather tasteless and sexist joke during an Obama campaign event. While Obama immediately chastised Mac for his crude humor, many on the Right saw it as a great opportunity to ratfuck his campaign by driving a wedge between Obama and supporters of Hillary Clinton.

“Jokes about ‘hoes’ aren’t exactly the best way to reach out to disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters, especially given their resentment over how Obama treated Hillary and his supposedly demeaning attitude toward women in general,” wrote Hot Air’s Ed Morrissey solemnly. Larry Johnson’s NoQuarter blog, a one-time pro-Hillary blog that has now morphed into Obama Ratfuck Central, put it even more succinctly: “Women get crapped on; Obama laughs along.” […]

One wonders why the Obama campaign hasn’t yet released a blanket statement saying, “We categorically denounce, renounce and reject any and all controversial remarks made by any black celebrity ever at any point in time on this or other planets.” It would honestly save them a lot of time.

Read the whole thing… I promise it will be worth your time, peeps 🙂

UPDATE: Link fixed. Yes I am a moron. Thanks for the help, Tig.

ABOVE: John “Butt-Missile” Hinderaker

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It is obviously dangerous for John “Butt Missile” Hinderaker to have his head up his ass when the missile goes off:

In his speech to the Veterans of Foreign Wars today, Barack Obama complained that John McCain has questioned his patriotism … :

Democrat Barack Obama challenged his Republican opponent John McCain on Tuesday to stop questioning his “character and patriotism.”

Obama seems to think that challenging an opponent’s patriotism is routine in Presidential politics.

Well, Obama didn’t say it was routine in Presidential politics, but let’s let John run with this for a second because there’s a good chance he’s going to fall on his face. And — ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! — he does:

Actually, I can’t recall a single instance when it’s happened.

You are probably sitting their harumphing and thinking up smart retorts to this whopper, like this:

Where has Butt Missile been the last several months? Vacationing on one of the moons of Jupiter? Hiding in his bedroom with his head stuck up his butt? Trapped in a restroom in the Minneapolis airport? Every single newspaper and news source, Faux News perhaps excepted, reported McCain’s charge that Obama would rather lose a war than a political campaign. What kind of dolt is he?

Ah, but you underestimate the argumentative skills of the Butt Missile who, as you may have forgotten, is a Super Awesome Power Litigator for Faegre & Benson, a Minneapolis firm that you’ve never heard of, but which regularly makes the senior partner at our New York law firm break into a sweat and sob like a three-year-old just at the mention of its name. Here’s how Butt Missile reduces your snappy retort to smithereens:

While Obama spoke with his usual vagueness, he seemed to be objecting to McCain’s speech to the same group on the previous day. … For what it’s worth, McCain never spoke the word “patriotism” in [that] speech

Ha! Silly liberal. Hinderaker has pwned you! Don’t you know you can’t impugn someone’s patriotism without actually using the word “patriotism”? And if Obama “seemed to be” referring to one speech, he has to use that exact word in that exact speech. Hinderaker wins! You lose!!

David Brooks has stumbled across a point so obvious that I’ve made it a billion times:

The Education of McCain

[…]

McCain and his advisers have been compelled to adjust to the hostile environment around them. They have been compelled, at least in their telling, to abandon the campaign they had hoped to run. Now they are running a much more conventional race, the kind McCain himself used to ridicule. The man who lampooned the Message of the Week is now relentlessly on message (as observers of his fine performance at Saddleback Church can attest). The man who hopes to inspire a new generation of Americans now attacks Obama daily. It is the only way he can get the networks to pay attention. […]

And the inescapable fact is: It is working. Everyone said McCain would be down by double digits at this point. He’s nearly even. Everyone said he’d be vastly outspent. That hasn’t happened. A long-shot candidacy now seems entirely plausible.

Obviously, I don’t buy Brooks’ line about how McCain had always intended to run an “honorable” campaign but was coerced by the Big, Bad System into changing his tune. McCain came to the realization on his own is that the only way he wins this thing is by firing up the rabid right-wing crazies who voted for Bush enthusiastically in 2004. And because he can’t fire them up in a positive way — after all, they hate him because he never kissed their asses with the same enthusiasm that Bush did — he has to go negative and focus the GOP faithful on hating Obama.

And look, we’ve seen this sort of thing before: no matter whom the Democrats had nominated for president, the GOP slime machine would have spent five months shrieking about them being traitors who want to take away your guns and replace them with bundles of condoms and arugula. Hell, if the Dems had nominated Joe Bleeping Lierberman for president this year, you can just bet that McCain would have smeared him as a self-hating anti-Israel left-winger for some reason or another (seriously, after the wingnuts freaked out about Obama’s horrifying edict that children should learn Spanish, I’ve learned that nothing is too stupid for this crowd).

My question is, where are the spiteful counterattacks? If Obama can be attacked for exercising too much, there’s gotta be something — anything — you can use against McCain. Spite the vote, people! Spite it all the way to victory!

ABOVE: The Pope wearing what appears
to be ermine but which the Vatican claims
is transubstantiated imitation rabbit

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Bill Donohue, the nitwit behind the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights for White Straight Catholics Only, is demanding that the Democratic Party yank the convention credentials of two bloggers who are just too gay for Donohue’s liking. There is of course more than a little bit of high farce in Donohue — who wouldn’t vote for a Democrat even if Jesus himself returned and ran for public office as a Dem — telling the Democratic Party what to do.

But the real punch line is why Donohue took issue with TowleRoad, one of the blogs:

Towleroad describes itself as ‘A Site with Homosexual Tendencies.’ Accordingly, it shows men in jock straps and underwear. It also has a post on Pope Benedict XVI that takes him to task for wearing a cape with ermine.

I could understand Donohue running around waving the crucifix if we were talking about money shots of Father Diddleladdie and the altar boy in the sacristy. But underwear and jock straps? I assume Donohue is also asking that the press credentials of NBC be yanked because for the past week or so they’ve been beaming half-naked swimmers and divers into my living room, in high definition no less.

But since when did mentioning the sartorial splendor of the Pope put somebody on the Catholic shit list? Are the fashion decisions of the Pope also made ex cathedra and as immune from comment as his decision that the Virgin Mary was also the product of a virgin birth? And, just so you non-Catholics won’t misunderstand, it is not gay at all for a man to wear ermine if the man is the Pope. When the Pope wears ermine, it is a deeply reverent allusion to the New Testament’s Parable of the Ermine and the Beaver, in which the ermine, who has spent its life draping himself in fine raiment, is accepted into the heavenly hosts while the Beaver gets, well, damned.

“Amy” Alkon has been doing a great imitation of an Italian soccer player lately. Every time we come anywhere near her, she falls down, starts screaming in pain, contorts her face wildly and gestures for a referee, hoping that we’ll get a yellow (or better yet, a red) card. You know, like this:

Her schtick has been that since Gavin, D. Aristophanes, and I have posted silly photoshops and ridiculed her for thinking that it’s not racist to talk about groups of black siblings as “litters” we are trying to “silence” her. Silly blogger. The last thing we want to do is silence her — she’s unalloyed comedy gold and we’ve had more fun documenting her meltdown than when we blogged on Bob Owens’s chah-cole greeyuhl fundraiser.

And since our posts brought her more traffic over the weekend than she’s probably had in the past two years, we are, she claims, trying to “ruin” her comments section and unfairly run up her payments from advertisers. Oh dear, she’s fallen on the couch again and is clasping her head in pain as if she were auditioning for another “Head On” commercial.

Now, of course, her writhing screams of agony have found two new marks in the ever-gullible InstaHick and the Missus, “Dr.” Helen, both of whom are now wagging their vile crusty fingers in our direction. Perfesser Reynolds, the InstaHick himself, repeats the charge that we’re trying to silence Amy. And “Dr.” Helen kicks it up a notch by repeating Amy’s claim that we’re “tiny little thugs” that are trying to foil her free speech rights.

Okay, Amy, we’re going to say it once more. The last thing we want to do is to silence you. We want you to post more, to post often — the more posts per day the better. We particularly want more pictures! We could probably take up a collection here to send you an incentive fee and a year’s supply of Red Bull just to keep you blogging away at your typical breakneck pace. Judging from this weekend’s torrent of words flying out of your laptop, I don’t think anybody’s written more in a weekend since Barbara Cartland wrote Drena and the Duke.

And here’s just another reason we want to hear more from you:

“You can’t dehumanize a dead woman.” Bravissima, Amy. Encore! Encore!! No really, take the bouquet of roses and another bow. We insist.

D. Aristophanes adds, plaintively imploring Amy:

And why beholdest thou the mote of shit that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the awful log that is in thine own?
– Matthew 7:3

Tintin adds:

The Ole Perfesser’s Missus, “Dr.” Helen Reynolds, stepped away from her computer last evening — probably to go play doctor off-line — and when she comes back, there’s an actual debate going on in her comments. Horrified, she pulls out her Toys-R-Us stethoscope and promises to do naughty things to people with it if they don’t settle down:

Every time “Sadly No” types come here, the discourse disintegrates. Please refrain from responding to these pests so that I do not have to moderate comments.

Now it becomes apparent why the Ole Perfesser fantasizes about sex with robots, doesn’t it?

Update: Oops. Too late. The “Doctor” is in and moderating comments.

Is there anything that Barack Obama can say, no matter how seemingly benign, that Bob Owens will not react to by jumping up and a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ that B. Hussein Obama is a big ol’ commie? I mean, get a load of this:

Silk Purses, Hog’s Ears

Via TPM Election Central comes word that Barack Obama’s presidential campaign is once again trying to create a new marketing theme, and this one will launch tomorrow.

Why this design?

According to an Obama aide, the new effort dovetails with a renewed push by the Obama team in Pennsylvania to poke fun at John McCain’s recent claim that he would rather hear the roar of “50,000 Harleys” than the cheering of 200,000 Berliners.

As the Obama camp was quick to point out, McCain opposed legislation that would have forced the U.S. government to buy American-made motorcycles. […]

“Harley riders aren’t typically supportive of Democratic candidates,” the aide says. “But we’re making a play for them by saying that Obama’s economic policies are the true patriotic ones.”

They. Don’t. Get. It.

Patriotic purchasing doesn’t come from buying products just because they’re made in America, but instead comes from choosing American-made products because you have faith that American companies such as H-D put the time and effort into building a quality American-made product you can be proud of, making you want to own it.

There is nothing patriotic about forcing Americans to buy specific products, but socialists like Obama are by nature anti-capitalistic, so should we be surprised that his campaign gets this wrong?

Next week: Confederate Yankee lambastes Obama for brushing his teeth on a regular basis. You can see it now, can’t you: “B. Hussein Obama thinks he’s better than the rest of us by using fancy organic toothpaste that he bought at Whole Foods. Here in the Heartland, however, we’re all quite content to down a box of Junior Mints in the morning if our breath needs a-freshenin’.”

Above: The Golden Age K-Lo

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Earth Two is where the Flash still wears that FTD Florist hat and Green Arrow doesn’t have a beard. Magic still works on Earth Two, and Andrew Sullivan is black.

“starved, stigmatized and barred any legal protections” [Kathryn Jean Lopez]

Andrew Sullivan says that’s how I want blacks in America to live. No, I just want to protect the institution of lunch counters — which are for white people. That doesn’t necessitate marginalizing or making second-class citizens of anyone. It’s protecting the integrity of what lunch is.

Among other differences, Quebec is an independent republic, South Africa abandoned Apartheid earlier than on Earth Prime, and the National Review never hired Ramesh Ponnuru.
 

We’ve learned much from Amy Alkon these past few days that is startling, perverse and downright hi-larious — starting with the notion that poor black women who get shot and killed by the cops value black lives less than white cops who shoot and kill poor black women, and working our way through to the revelation that the individual known as the Sadly, No! commentariat-slash-management-slash-Gary Ruppert pre-emptively hacks the Wikipedia pages of wingnuts before being aware of their existence.

All wonderful stuff, and now this (scroll down to Amy’s comment at 6:46 AM):

I have a friend in Beverly Hills, probably one of three Republicans, who had her Vote Bush signs stolen repeatedly in the last election. I did not vote for Bush; I voted for that sleazebag Kerry, but I am shocked by any effort to silence speech, and in the current election, I’m going to help her catch the people who will surely steal her McCain signs. P.S. She’s no dope. She has a dog with a head the size of Lucy, which puts out a rather large quantity of excrement every day. In the past, she watered it down in a bucket and made a rather large moat around the sign. So … if they got away with their signs, there was still the bill for new car carpeting, I suppose, and I just love that.

A dope? Perish the thought! Building a moat of runny dog shit on your own property? Not. Dopey. At. All. In fact, the smart set are all doing it. Shit moats are the new kitchen remodels after all, as evidenced by these real estate ads we just came across on Craigslist:

$1250000 OPEN SUN 1-4 NEW BEACH HOUSE (santa cruz) (map)

Reply to: [email protected]
Date: 2008-08-17, 9:27AM PDT

New 3 BdRm, 2.5 Ba, 1650 sq ft just 2.5 blocks from Twin Lakes Beach and Crow’s Nest area. Quality built for owner’s personal use. Travertina stone floors, slab granite counters, maple cabinets and landscaped front & rear w/enormous moat of dog shit surrounding property. Turnkey and summer rental zone!

XXXXXX XXXXXX Realtor 831-XXX-XXXX; 831-XXX-XXXX

$284000 JUST REDUCED BY $100,000! WOW!! (danville / san ramon)

Would you like to see this totally upgraded Canyon Crest beauty behind the gates with your own Security Guard?

Recently Installed upgrades include:

Maple Cabinets
Granite Countertops
Stainless Steel Appliances
Natural Stone flooring
Terra Cotta Shit Moat
Two-tone Designer Paint
Crown Molding

If yes call XXXXXX for information @ (925) XXX-XXXX.

DRAMATIC COASTAL ESTATE (aptos)

Villa Rosa
Aptos Hills California

Villa Rosa is an Awe Inspiring Coastal Estate Perched on an 8-Acre Oak Studded Bay View Knoll just Minutes to Seascape Beach. Spacious 4850 square foot, 4 Bedroom, 3.5 Bath, and 3 Car Custom Estate with Elegant Shit Moat for Formal Living, Family & Dining rooms. Built on 110 Concrete Caissons, the product of Cove Britton, renowned Local Architect of Britton & Matson Architects. It’s Proximity to the Coast, Architectural Majesty, Neighborhood Consistency, Prime Private Access, Bay Views and Useable Acreage is an Unparalleled Combo in Santa Cruz.

The French Normandy Estate incorporates Traditional Style & Materials with Modern Luxury & Conveniences. Extensive Exterior attention to details featuring Stone Columns, Architectural Appliques, Trims and Crowns lead to an Elegant Simplistic Interior use of Space, Views and Environment. The home features Massive Rooms with Vaulted 18′ Ceilings & Bayviews, Three Fireplaces, Two Air Conditioning Systems, Two Vacuum Systems, Two Heating Systems, Two Circulating Instant Water Heaters, and Stereo Speakers throughout.

Enter through Dual 8′ Custom Maghony Wood Doors with Beveled Glass Panes into the Centralized Entry with Massive Vaulted Ceilings. Gaze upon the Private Courtyard through Custom Wood Windows. Step down the Curved Custom Staircase leading to the Formal Dining and Living Rooms each with 18′ Vaulted Ceiling and Full Bay Views. Lower level has Kitchen, Dining, and Family Rooms with Oak Hardwood Floors and Bay Views.

The living spaces are separated for Entertaining and Adult Privacy with the Upper Level Master Suite, Cherry Wood Office with Green Marble Fireplace and a separate Guest Suite at one end of the residence. The Master Suite features His/Hers separate Bath Prep Areas, Private Latrine with Bidet, a Sumptuous Dual Soaking Tub with Jacuzzi Jets, and Walk-in Closet. All surfaces are Ralph Loren Green Marble & Solid Brass Fixtures.

The Children’s Bedrooms and Bath are located above the Kitchen, Family & Breakfast areas at the other end. The Kitchen has white painted cabinet with granite countertops, large Dual Islands, Dual Ovens, Multi- Burner Gas Cooktop, and Stainless Appliances. All rooms have Full Bay & Mountain Views. The Entry and Family Rooms also have Serene Private Courtyard Views.

Traditional Shit Moat in the Tuscany Style was installed in 2006 by regionally Renowned landscapers Bilge & Sons. Pungent blend of Eight Varieties of finest organic Canine Excrement replenished yearly through Existing Contract with local Small Kennel Owners Association. Two-car-wide maple/wrought iron Drawbridge lowers by imported Swiss Hand Winch to Access Road; alternatively, four sets of Rubber Waders kept in Small Rustic Shed maintained near Back of Property abutting encroaching stand of Coastal Redwoods.

At 600′ Elevation & Two miles from Seascape Beach this Aptos Hills 8-Acre Parcel is Thee Prime Parcel and one of 4 parcels in an exclusive 5 to 24 acre lot Private Subdivision. The South Facing Orientation features all day Sunrise to Sunset Orientation, Views of the Monterey Bay and across to the Monterey Peninsula and Mountains. The weather is warm and the nearby mountains protect this parcel from most Coastal wind. The Courtyard is northeast facing, cooler and breathlessly protected from evening breezes. The lower flat 3+-Acre Meadow is open to many uses and easily cleared.
Underground Utilities, Private shared Well & Full PGE Services enhance the Refined Nature of this Estate. Private Road is maintained by long-term cell tower income from the undeveloped 24-acre parcel. Minutes to Seascape Beach & Regional Shopping Centers North or South.

Construction took the original owner three years to complete and in 1999 sold for $1,265,000. The new owner then spent $250,000 completing & developing a French drainage system, developed the Courtyard with Upper & Lower Brick Patios, extensive Landscaping & Irrigation. In addition to the 8-Acre Parcel, a 1/4 interest in an additional 20-Acre Common Area is included. The acreage is all zoned 2.5-Acre minimums for potentially creative additional development possibilities.

Owner Agent will Finance to Qualified Buyer with Substantial Cash Down Payment. Will Trade for Local or Incline Village Property. New carpet and paint to taste.

One of the Finest Coastal Estate Properties in Santa Cruz County.

Price Upon Request

Call XXXXXX XXXXXXX Owner/Realtor 831-XXX-XXXX; 831-XXX-XXXX; 831-XXX-XXXX for info

About People With Heads Filled With Lettuce

ABOVE: Arnold Alkon, performing as “Amy,” delivers a stirring
lip-synched performance of the Weather Girls’ hit, “It’s
Raining Men”

• Liberals think they’re sooooo smart when they say that I’m prejudiced, but they’re prejudiced too. They’re prejudiced against racism. So there.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™