Sadly, No!

Sorry, it’s not really possible to go ‘shorter’ than the Ol’ Perfesser:

JAMES O’KEEFE ARRESTED BY THE FBI: Hmm. Stay tuned.

Indeed. Heh. Hmm. Developing?

Just, seriously, whatever:

A new national survey from Public Policy Polling (D) finds an amazing result: The most trusted name in TV news, the only one that more Americans trust than distrust, is…Fox!

Respondents were asked whether they did or did trust the various news outlets. Fox turned out to be the only one with a positive score, at 49% yes to 37% no. CNN was at 39%-41%, NBC 35%-44%, CBS 32%-46%, and ABC 41%-46%.

I used to get upset about this sort of thing, but now? Pft. Whatever.

Couple this with a new influx of corporate cash into political advertising and… well hey, democracy was nice while it lasted.

My new plan: Accelerate the country’s descent into anarchy by voting for the craziest, kookiest wingnut the GOP rolls out in 2012. If the GOP injects a chimp with rabies and puts it on a stump to screech for hours on end, I will vote for that goddamn chimp.

From a little ACORN, a mighty joke will grow:

ACORN gotcha man among four arrested for attempting to bug Mary Landrieu’s office

By David Hammer, The Times-Picayune
January 26, 2010, 1:53PM

The FBI, alleging a plot to wiretap Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu’s office in downtown New Orleans, arrested four people Monday, including James O’Keefe, a conservative filmmaker whose undercover videos at ACORN field offices severely damaged the advocacy group’s credibility.

FBI Special Agent Steven Rayes alleges that O’Keefe aided and abetted two others, Joseph Basel and Robert Flanagan, who dressed up as employees of a telephone company and attempted to interfere with the office’s telephone system.

A fourth person, Stan Dai, was accused of aiding and abetting Basel and Flanagan. All four were charged with entering fedral property under false pretenses with the intent of committing a felony.

A witness from Landrieu’s staff said O’Keefe was present in the office and claimed to be “waiting for someone to arrive.”

Methinks it could be hard time out here for a fake pimp.

H/t: Eagle-eye commie atheist in comments.

Shorter Steven Crowder, Big Hollywood
Lonewolf Diaries: Poor People Can Be Greedy Too

• Poor people are selfish pigs because they give a lower percentage of their milk money to charity than rich people. It’s funny because it’s not true!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

So Obama is now supporting a spending freeze in the middle of a recession.

You know? Whatever. I’ve stopped really giving a shit. I live in Massachusetts. We already have universal health care, gay marriage and the best public education in the country. If the Tea Party crowd were to tear down the federal government and implement a federalist states’ rights program*, I would probably be pretty happy with it. If the rest of the country doesn’t want to have health care, hey, not my damn problem.

*The tragic thing is that they won’t do anything like that. The minute these guys retake power they’ll be back to setting up K Street Projects that will result in an even larger government that’s run by our Corporate Masters. Oh, and the wars. Can’t forget about starting more wars. Somebody get me a powdered wig and a tricorner hat.

ABOVE: Noel Sheppard

---

One of the things that makes NewsBusters one of the most consistently entertaining sites anywhere on the Intertubes is that Bozell’s crack investigators are, well, blazingly incompetent and frequently wind up as the victims of their own investigation. I mean if Newsbusters did that child predator show on Dateline, they would catch themselves on their own set after long and steamy cyberchats with their own bait.

So, not surprisingly, hilarious mistakes were inevitable when NewsBlusterer Noel Sheppard got a good whiff of some of the right-wing’s favorite catnip, Obama’s teleprompter, the so-called TOTUS that tells Obama what to say whether he wants to or not. According to Noel, Obama used the TOTUS while addressing a bunch of sixth-graders. “How many of the children sitting in that room wondered why they have to memorize speeches they give to the class, but the most powerful man in the world got to not only use notes, but a teleprompter?” Sheppard fumes from his spittle-flecked laptop. How many wondered “why Obama comes to the meeting in a bullet-proof limousine when they have to ride in Mom’s four-year-old Ford Focus?” “Why does Obama get to meet with world leaders but we only get to meet with some member of city council on Civic Participation Day?” “Why does he make a huge salary, and we only get a cheap-ass weekly allowance?”

But my point isn’t really that the question Sheppard imagines is blindingly idiotic and that even the least intelligent sixth-graders would have understood why the most powerful man in the world would get to do some things that they don’t. It’s the same as the punchline to the joke about why a dog licks his balls. Because he can. Because the most powerful man in the world, as a tautological necessity, gets to do whatever he wants.

The real point here, however, is that Obama didn’t use the TOTUS with the elementary school kids but instead used it later during a press availability, something the media watch-hyenas over at NewsBusters would have found out for themselves if they had done something that real reporters do every day: pick up a telephone and make a  call, rather than just sitting in their cubicles at Media Research Center with theirs trousers around their ankles doing the fappity-fappity to pin-up posters of Sarah Palin in running clothes and publicity stills of Scott Baio as Chachi Arcola. Fuck it — they didn’t even have to pick up a phone. All they had to do was mosey over to WhiteHouse.gov and see a video of Obama addressing the kiddies with TOTUS nowhere in sight.

Well, at some point even the NewsBlusters couldn’t ignore the damning video of Obama sans prompter and were forced to own up to their mistake make up some hare-brained rationale as to why they were right in the first place.

Students and teachers might still have been in the room for the President’s statement to the press, correct?

And Noel might also have a cause of action against the surgeon that might have removed 90 percent of Sheppard’s cerebral cortex when he took Sheppard’s tonsils out all those years ago. Not to mention what some surgeon might have done to Sheppard when Sheppard got the tip of his johnson nicked off right after he was born.

Oh, and Noel wasn’t the only person who got run over by his own short bus. Perfesser MiniInstaHickWannabee Jacobson did too.

Ted the Slacker in comments alerts us to K-Lo’s call-to-arms for a return to strict Declaration of Constitutionalism just like the Founders intended. In fact, there’s prize money — $2,010 simoleons courtesy of the National Review Institute for the best idear that’s wicked awesome at making the federal government less retahded.

Here’s the specs:

NRI’s 2010 CONTEST

Submit the best reform idea to be promoted in 2010 and be awarded $2,010 in a competition designed to promote creative new thinking.

Competitors should submit a brief description (800 words maximum) of a practical step to promote the restoration of the federal government to its constitutional dimensions.

The winning entry might be a policy change (past examples include supply-side tax cuts), a structural change (past examples include term limits), or a new way of arguing that will help shape public opinion and create the conditions for reform.

All submissions should be emailed to [email protected]

Submissions should include the name, address, phone number, and any professional affiliation (think tank, publication, university, etc.) of the competitor.

Deadline for submissions: January 31, 2010

Don’t know about you, but I could use a couple grand plus an extra sawbuck. Let’s put our heads together in comments to shape a winning proposal, one that the NRI eggheads’ll really like. Here’s a few themes to get us started …

Dear K-Lo:

We should strip the Constitution of all those un-Constitutional amendments, starting with the Bill of Rights (except for the 2nd Amendment and that other one that says fags can’t vote). This would have teh bonus of giving Obambi only 3/5ths of a veto.

Sincerely,
Friend of the Old South

——————–

To [redacted]:

The first step in [redacted] is clearly a shift to [redacted] coupled with [redacted] [illegible] [redacted] insofar as [redacted] [unprintable].

[redacted],
[redacted]

——————–

Dear Illuminati Mouthpiece:

The flouridation of the water supply is both unconstitutional and a cover-up of interstellar proportions. I propose that all elected officials be forced to submit to physical examinations so as to determine if they are really reptilian in nature. This would also be accompanied by a dissolution of all federal agencies starting with HUD, the central headquarters of extra-terrestrial planning for an eventual takeover of our precious bodily fluids. I fully expect you and all other puppets of the NWO to disregard this appeal.

Name withheld upon request

——————–

To K-Lo:

Do me a favor and pass along the best suggestions you get for that NRI thing before publishing … need some ideas for a column. Throwing this out there – don’t know who’s running the contest, but I’m guessing they’ll say it’s not open to NR staffers … anyway, totally independent of that, you should really talk to me about that thing I was mentioning the other day about how I keep some fake Gmail accounts open, you know, for research purposes. Also, completely off-topic, I was talking to some really smart guys over at AEI about game theory and stuff the other day, and they were pretty sure that the best partnerships are the ones where the split on the take is 50-50, so I was thinking we could maybe meet offline to talk about that for a column or something.

Best,
Jonah

Have at it.

Shorter Michael Barone, Townhall.com
Voters Spurn the ‘Boob Bait’ of the Educated Class

• How dare Barack and Bobo insult conservatives by assuming they’re smart enough to give a crap about the intellectual father of conservatism? Let’s smash all the nerds wearing glasses … who’s with me?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

More: Best graf in the Barone column:

Members of “the educated class” may trust government bureaucrats to allocate health care resources — that’s the way they talk — and to utilize comparative effectiveness research to control physicians’ decisions. Many of them are employed by governments or nonprofits and are used to navigating bureaucratic waters. After all, their prime asset in life is their ability to manipulate words.

As opposed to the grunts and shrieks employed by the ‘bubbas’ to communicate, in Barone’s estimation. Use your words, Southies!

It’s through Health Care for America Now, there are rallies in San Francisco and Los Angeles, you can go to the SF rally at the time and location below, register with HCAN as well if you like.

SF RALLY

WHEN: 11am, Saturday, Jan. 23

WHERE: Nancy Pelosi’s office, 90 7th Street, Suite 2-800, San Francisco, California 94103

h/t: Cyntax in comments

PS I will be the one chanting:

What do we want?
Ponies and rainbows!
When do we want it?
Micky Kaus blows goats!

“S,N! must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up
like that, huh, kids?”

Shorter Assistant Clinical Perfesser Bill Jacobson aka MiniInstaHickWannabe, L-eg-a-l I-ns-u-r-ec-t-ile Dys-fu-nc-t-ion
The People Are on the Phone

• Sadly, No! sucks.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™