Sadly, No!

We all know that lots of weird and lazy shit comes from the crumb-flecked keyboard of Tim Graham when he takes a moment to get off the Twinkie, candy bar and chocolate pudding train long enough to type something. But this latest post from the triple-chinned media “analyst” really takes the cake off of Tim’s plate — which, as anyone who has tried to take cake from Timmeh knows, is no mean feat. Tim’s only pretext for his paycheck from his red-bearded sugar daddy Brent Bozell is simply to find something on the TeeVee that can be used to stoke up right-wing rage — like someone saying “shit,” a blurred shot of Janet Jackson’s nipples, or Bill Maher making a joke about Sarah Palin. Not really a challenging job, if you ask me, even if the whole enterprise is more than a little silly.

So you have to wonder what’s up with a lengthy post from Tim complaining that Anderson Cooper has a crusade against the derogatory use of “gay” as in, for example “electric cars are so gay.” I mean, what the fuck? Is this the best he’s got when all he has to do to collect his wingnut welfare check is to wallow around in front of the television all day looking for something that might upset the Beck and Palin crowd? How hard is that? How desperate does he have to be when the only thing he can find to whip up a tsunami of poutrage is Anderson Cooper saying the derogatory usage of “gay” needlessly stigmatizes people? It’s as if someone pointed out to me that making fat jokes about Tim isn’t very nice and my response to that was to get into a high dudgeon over being told that fat jokes aren’t very polite. Yes, they’re not nice even though Tim deserves them.

I suppose that Timmeh is trying to argue something like this: “First they came for ‘nigger,’ next they came for ‘faggot,’ then they came for ‘gay.'” “What next?” Tim asks. “Will they say I can’t say “porch monkey,” “beaner” or “rag head” anymore? Another perfectly good slur ruined by intolerant liberals!”

Of course, the highlight of Tim’s post is when he reaches into his limited bag of rhetorical tricks, fumbles around in it for a “Snap!” line and then pulls out this:

The offending line is Vaughn selling an electric muscle car: “Ladies and gentlemen, electric cars are gay.” … It’s a lame line. But it’s hardly grist for the suicide hotline.

Although the line may be par for the source or sauce for the chat line. (Does this boob even know what grist means?) Leaving aside Tim’s fractured English, what on earth is he even trying to say? That something is not impolite unless it makes you want to shoot yourself? Does this mean that the n-word is okay because it too isn’t “grist for the suicide hot-line”?

Not surprisingly the comments section to the post are pretty much overrun by people calling Anderson Cooper gay and responding to some unstated challenge to show how many ways they can use “faggot” in a sentence. Obviously, the commenters have never heard Tim Graham talk or they might not be so fast to call Anderson gay. Listen to Tim Graham and decide for yourselves:

I say gay, as in gay gay.

Shorter Dinesh D’Souza, WaPo:
Why Barack Obama is an anti-colonialist

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Shorter Tim Graham, Newsblusterers
ABC, CBS, NBC All Skip the Word ‘Obama’ or Any Evaluation of His Team in Shahzad Sentencing News

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

UPDATE: A retort from Tim:

ABOVE: The American Thinker
Logo (improved version)

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A kind reader brought to my attention a recent gem from reformed liberal and licensed psychologist Robin of Berkeley that starts out with someone in a hybrid car running over the cat of one of Robin’s clients. Now you and I would probably place the blame for this unfortunate incident on the client for letting her cat run wild outside the house where it likely darted into the street in front of the vehicle, precipitating its own near demise.

But that’s because you and I don’t inhabit Robin’s world where, at every turn, evil LIEberals heap odious indignities on Robin and her friends. Wait, wait, how do we know that the driver was a liberal? Because, you ninny, he was driving a hybrid. Only liberals drive hybrids. Oh.

I have my own tales to tell from my week in Berkeley.

I’m sure you do, Robin.

I was walking gingerly through a crosswalk (I have bad knees) when an impatient driver shot me the bird. His car was graced with a Coexist bumper sticker.

What really happened: Robin was crossing against the light, limping at a glacial pace, and a young Republican driving Mommy’s beamer flipper her the bird and yelled “Get out of the road, you fucking gimp, and stop stealing my money to pay for your fucking disability check!”

One more: I was meeting a friend at a cafe, and we needed another chair. A man, sitting alone and surfing the net, had his legs strewn on an extra chair. When I asked him nicely to borrow it, he refused. The guy was wearing a Free Tibet t-shirt.

What really happened: A guy wearing his roommate’s t-shirt pointed out all the other empty chairs in the cafe and suggested that she take one of those instead.

[I’d] been dating [Peter] for a few months when I was ready to have the conversation. I sat him down and told him I cared a lot about him. Did he see a future between us? He looked at me as though I were from another galaxy. Then he uttered something that I have never forgotten. He said, “A relationship? I’m not capable of a relationship.”

What really happened: Peter just wasn’t that into Robin. Go figure.

The Peters of the world may not be withholding love or affection or even simple kindness. … Perhaps the reasons are genetic. Maybe it has to do with copious pot and alcohol use or overuse of prescription drugs. In places like Berkeley, it may be inbreeding. Mental illness, character defects, bad upbringing — the culprits are endless.

And this woman has clients?

Of course, conservatives can be hypocrites, too. But we on the right don’t delude ourselves into believing that our voting patterns allow us to be dirty, rotten scoundrels.

In fact, when conservatives are rude, it’s because they have a right to be rude, what with being the innocent victims of all this hypocritical liberal rudeness. Oh, and Peter, if you’re reading this, dude, you dodged a bullet.

ABOVE: Ross Douthat

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If you have been wondering why people have been hurling themselves to their deaths from the windows of the New York Times building, leaving grisly piles of cadavers on Eighth Avenue, you can blame Ross Douthat. Each of these poor men and women preferred certain death to the prospect of having to slog through another Douthat column. One is even reported to have said that she’d rather be Megan McArdle’s editor just before flinging herself out the window and onto the sidewalk below.

So it means that probably no editor will have read this nonsensical sentence and dreamed of unthinkable acts of violent revenge on Douthat with a blunt ice pick before it appeared in print:

The White House spent recent weeks hectoring progressives about the need to turn out in November, but all these efforts earned was the mockery of Jon Stewart.

I just looked at my calendar and it seems that we are still in October. What that means, at least barring some massive disturbance in the space-time continuum, is that we really won’t know what these efforts “earned” until November. If progressives turn out in November, then certainly more than the mockery of Jon Stewart was earned by Obama for his efforts. But if Ross can see into the future using a magic telescope, a special rosary prayer or a DeLorean pimped out with a flux capacitor, he might well consider leaving journalism and playing the ponies full time. He could get rich and no more editors would defenestrate themselves. Win-win, doncha think?

There’s no much to add, really, to Tom Friedman’s latest poop — as noted by uggabugga:

The Friedman solution is a super-supermajority third party is never going to happen.

A comment prompted by, among other things, this amazing bit from Tom:

We need to … start building a superconsensus to do the superhard stuff we must do now.

Except, maybe, that this is the super same shit Tom was offering six months ago, as noted by this very same crappy blog. To wit:

Thomas “La moustache de la sagesse” Friedman, March 24, 2010:

That is why I want my own Tea Party. I want a Tea Party of the radical center.

Thomas “der Schnauzbart der Weisheit” Friedman, April 25, 2010:

So if there is going to be a Green Tea Party, it will have to emerge from a different place — the radical center, a center committed to a radical departure from business as usual.

Sadly, Thomas’ columns all seem to come from the same place. (Le trou du cul).

We predict the arrival of Tom’s Party (TP) in about one Friedman Unit (FU).

ABOVE: Bill Donohue

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Shaking your head, burying your face in your palms, and saying “Holy Fuck” is really a far too moderate a reaction to a press release by the Catholic League’s Bill Donohue titled “Not All Sexual Abuse Is Equal.” Seriously.

You don’t even have to read the press release to know where Donohue is going. He’s going to say that having sex with a manly, kindly, gentle man of God isn’t such a bad thing and, in fact, the boys probably purposefully tempted the priest and enjoyed the sex to boot. It’s not like they were being fucked by a leather bear or anything like that. It was a PRIEST! And best of all, a priest can absolve the boy from all his sins immediately after wiping up.

You don’t believe me?

It’s time to ask some tough questions. Why did this young man not object earlier? Why did he allow the “abuse” to continue until he was 18? The use of the quotes is deliberate: the charge against the former priest is not rape, but rubbing.

At last someone has the courage to tell the truth about the sordid underbelly of the whole matter and it is this: eighth grade boys, prancing around like little bubble-butted fauns in front of the Holy Fathers, are just begging for sacerdotal rub-downs knowing full well that when the clerics, who after all are just normal men subject to normal temptations, succumb to their wiles, they can, after years of hot consensual sex rubbing, turn around and sue the Church and never have to work again.

Here’s what we know. We know that this case, like most of them, was the work of a homosexual, not a pedophile. And like most of the cases of priestly sexual misconduct, there was no rape involved. … The time has come to object to all those pundits who like to say that the scandal is all about child rape. Most of the cases did not involve children—they were post-pubescent males—and most weren’t raped.

Well, how can you argue with that? As long as four-year old boys are still safe from the clergy, it sounds to me like a win-win all around.

[h/t Evan Hurst]

Matt C. Abbot: Notre Dame’s football team is losing because the university has turned away from God and toward Obama.

Steve Farrell: Democracy inevitably leads to Marxism.

Ken Connor: Celebrities should only testify before Congress if (a) they aren’t liberal, (b) they don’t tell any jokes and (c) there are no ethics charges against Democrats that Congress should be investigating instead.

Frank Maguire: Jesus loved war and hated homosexuals.

Warner Todd Huston: Obama has a plan to force you to visit sites that he likes. In fact, that’s Comcast’s job, not Obama’s.

Bryan Fischer: Cupcakes with rainbow icing make me think about butt sex.

Judie Brown: The ultimate goal of the pro-death abortion crowd is to be able to eat fetuses.

ABOVE: Don Surber in front of his newly-remodeled
home

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Don “Jim Bob” Surber impresses the yokels that read him by scanning most of the least reputable British tabloids and linking to them, safe in the false assurance that everything you read in a newspaper from the country that gave the world crappy cars, bubble and squeak, and milk in tea would never publish anything of less than the highest journalist standards. Today Jim Bob has put on a fashionable ascot, brewed himself a cup of hot tea and surfed over to the website of the Daily Fail, best known for its vigorous support of German fascism in the 1930s.

Jim Bob is particularly taken with an article claiming that the evil conservationists are running around claiming that non-extinct animals are actually extinct, all apparently for the purpose of shaking pennies from gullible grannies to contribute to the conservationists’ lavish lifestyles. So Jim Bob quotes the article at length in his own post titled “Extinction is Forever . . . Not!”

Some of the more reclusive creatures managed to hide from sight for 80 years only to reappear within four years of being officially named extinct in the wild.

The shy okapi – which resembles a cross between a zebra and a giraffe – was first discovered in the Democratic Republic of Congo in 1901.

After increasingly rarer sightings, it vanished from the wildlife radar for decades from 1959, prompting fears that it had died out.

But five years ago researchers working for the WWF found okapi tracks in the wild.

Why, hello, Mr. Google. Do you have something you’d like to say? No, you’re kidding! There are okapi in the San Diego Zoo, The Philadelphia Zoo, the L.A. Zoo and many, many more? And a worldwide population of 10,000-35,000. No, that doesn’t sound like extinct to me either. Well, thanks for letting us know. Perhaps you could go visit Mr. Surber and let him know? What, you said you’ve tried that before? He called you what? He said you were a liberal? Oh dear, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Well, thanks for your help. We’ll see you again soon.

Of course, Surber is never content to leave stupid alone, but has to pile on and say something even more foolish:

I am always amused by the fact that some of the most ardent supporters of evolution are the save-the-critter crowd. Isn’t extinction part of this whole evolutionary thing and if your species cannot adapt, well, tough?

What part of “natural” selection does Surber not understand? Population extinction by hunting, poaching and habitat encroachment aren’t mechanisms of “natural” selection, and even if they were, that doesn’t mean that it should trump biodiversity in terms of wildlife management.

This has been installment number 12,206 in our series as to why Don Surber, political columnist for the Charleston Daylee Male, will never win a Pulitzer Prize.

ABOVE: Alex Knepper

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You would have thought that the tragic death of Tyler Clementi at Rutgers would be something that the chattering gay Republican quislings would have had the decency to at least shut up about. But then you would be underestimating the sheer loathsomeness of America’s homeliest gay quisling and date rape apologist Alex Knepper.

Not surprisingly, Knepper’s column on Clementi, which is printed in The Daily Tucker, starts off by blaming the victim:

First of all: forgive me if my sympathy runs thin for someone who commits suicide over a sex tape. This incident is humiliating and shameful, to be sure — but in the grand, cosmic scheme of things, it doesn’t even begin to rank as tragic. We have got to be realistic when assessing this event and maintain publicly that humiliation is a preposterous rationale for suicide.

This is easy for Knepper to say who, one would imagine, has had to become accustomed to a great deal of public humiliation of all sorts, little of which probably has anything to do with his claims to be gay.

At this point, specialists in psychobabble are apt to remind us of the inherently irrational nature of suicide and admonish that we have “no room to judge” what was going on in this boy’s head. But this is ridiculous: thousands of people are humiliated on this scale in the United States on a yearly — perhaps monthly — basis. Most of them deal with the shame in ways other than throwing themselves off of a bridge.

Alex dealt with his shame by becoming a Republican, for example.

Having more or less spit on the corpse of Tyler Clementi, Alex now get to his real point which is to use this incident as an opportunity to splutter on about gay liberals who — unlike Alex, who has no ulterior motive — are trying to use this incident for their own dastardly agenda of bringing an end to suicides by gay youth bullied by their classmates.

As is typical when these sorts of events transpire, the Gay Party — in this case, its representatives are Garden State Equality — is jumping all over this bizarre saga to hijack it for its own wants. To recapitulate: the organization’s spokesman deemed the incident a “hate crime” and said that he was “sickened” that anyone would “consider destroying others’ lives as a sport.”

Well, which is it? Were they out to destroy innocent life for kicks, or were they calculating, hate-filled homophobes? The statement makes no sense.

Uh, maybe, Alex they were both? The real crime here is the one being committed by Knepper as he collaborates with, and gives support to, the forces that want us to pretend that bullying doesn’t exist, or that it is only directed at gay youths, who don’t count because they’re gay or, worse, who don’t count because they allow humiliation to drive them to suicide.

Pardon me for thinking that the world would be a better place if it had been Alex Knepper who jumped off the GW Bridge and not a talented, sweet-tempered young violinist.

UPDATE: Vox Day can set himself on fire and jump off a bridge too. [h/t Evan Hurst]

SECOND UPDATE:For every useless POS like Alex Knepper that wants to blame gay teen suicide on the victims, there are a hundred people like Dan Savage who want bullied gay kids to know that “It Gets Better.”

THIRD UPDATE: Alex took the discussion to Twitter