Sadly, No!

Over at TownHall, renowned kidney sales expert Thomas Sowell unleashes some spectacular whoppers, even by the generous standards of the Heritage Foundation:

Says who? Says Americans for Democratic Action, a leading liberal organization for more than half a century. […]

Senator Kerry came in number one on liberal voting in the Senate, ranking above Ted Kennedy. Senator John Edwards likewise had an even more liberal voting record than Ted Kennedy. These guys are on the far left of a liberal party.

According to the ADA, Kennedy’s liberal rating (lifetime) is 90. Edwards’ is 81. In 2002, 2001, 2000 and 1999, Kennedy’s rating was 100, 100, 95 and 95. Edwards‘ was 70, 95, 85 and 90.

In 2003, Edwards’ liberal rating was 65. The following senators had a rating of 100: Levin, C (D-MI,) Reed, J (D-RI,) Rockefeller (D-WV,) Sarbanes (D-MD.)

If you can sell one kidney, why not just go ahead and sell both?

Regular Sadly, No! commenter Yosef sometimes claims to be the hottest new conservative writer on the web. The proper holder of that title, of course, is none other than Wal-Mart’s very own Justin Darr. Justin is back, and shows us just how he got to the top:

Hey! Wake up! Hello! Time to pull yourself out of the semiconscious state you were lulled into by the Democratic National Convention.

Are you awake now? Good:

In retrospect, we can say that the Convention taught us two new facts. First, John Kerry knows that the moment his voting record is revealed he is going to lose the election, therefore, he is avoiding it at all cost.

Which is why it’s a good thing that John Kerry’s voting record has been conveniently hidden in Sandy Berger’s socks. Let’s move on to fact #2:

And, second, there are, indeed, more boring things to experience in this world than watching paint dry, or moss grow; i.e. watching that nationally televised sleeping pill of a Convention. Strange how when the Democrats make a conscious effort to avoid negative campaign attacks, they have nothing left to talk about.

Let’s not forget reading Sadly, No! or keeping track of Pete M.’s dating life.

To the Committee?s credit, they accomplished the impossible and pieced together 37 pages of wishful thinking that constitutes Kerry?s plan for America. The DNC wants you to read this platform about as much as they want you to scrutinize Kerry?s voting record on intelligence and national security.

That’s why they put a link to it right there on the homepage of Kerry/Edwards! How devious!

Over half of the platform discusses Kerry?s plan to win the War on Terror, which can best be described as an exercise in futility.

Pages 8-58 of the platform discuss security. Pages 59-128 cover economic issues. Justin writes:

In summary, the plan states that we will stop fighting the War for now unless America is attacked at home and thousands of civilians are killed for a second time.

Kerry/Edwards write:

Today, America is waging a war against a global terrorist movement committed to our destruction. The war against terror is not just a manhunt?we cannot rest until Osama bin Laden is captured or killed, but
that day will only mark a victory in the war on terror, not its end. Terrorists like al Qaeda and its affiliates are unlike any adversary our nation has known. We
face a global jihadist movement of many groups, from different sources, with separate agendas, but all committed to assaulting the United States and free and
open societies around the globe.

So it’s pretty clear that Justin’s summary is totally accurate.

The truth is the Kerry Campaign knows that it will lose the War on Terror issue to Bush. The only reason the DNC is going through this drill in senselessness is to try to scrape up a few votes from the ranks of the uninformed and car accident victims who have just emerged from comas and think it is still September 10, 2001.

So there you have it — the DNC is going after the moron vote. Meanwhile, AP writes:

3. All in all, thinking about how things have gone in Iraq (news – web sites) since the United States went to war there in March, do you think the United States/Bush administration … (Results from April in parentheses)

* Made the right decision, 48 percent (57)
* Made a mistake in going to war in Iraq, 50 percent (40)

There must have been a lot of car accidents in the last two years.

To begin, here is a non-inclusive list of spending proposals from the 2004 Democratic platform that Kerry pledges to enact in his term: […] universal access to wireless broadband services (which in some strange way will produce 1.2 million jobs and $500 billion for the economy because people can go to chat rooms while waiting for the bus[.]

Kerry/Edwards write:

Economists at the Brookings Institution have estimated that advancing the transition to high-speed broadband will expand the economy by $500 billion, including benefits for consumers and producers. Another researcher has estimated that a national high-speed broadband network would
create 1.2 million jobs, including high-skill,high-wage jobs in communications and manufacturing.

Yet again, Justin was totally right. Except for the part about universal wireless access.

The first is to roll back the Bush tax cut to the top 2% of all wage earners (those making roughly $200,000 a year or more). The only problem with this plan, other than the fact that it is Communistic, is that if the government would tax all the income from the top 2% of wage earners (by that I mean every last dime they make), the revenue generated would only fund the federal government for 35 days.

ok, so it’s Communistic and that’s bad (who could argue with that logic?) Where did Justin come up with 35 days? Why use this peculiar benchmark? When you are the hottest new conservative writer on the web you ask questions, you don’t answer them!

I will tell you what will happen. We will lose the War on Terror, have a President we do not know one day to the next what his policies will be, and our taxes will go up.

So vote for Bush — who will continue cutting your taxes, leaving it to his successor to raise them to pay off the debt he piled up during his administration. Hey, it worked for Reagan!

If the answer is yes, then we may have found just the right “man” for Sadly, No!’s favorite professional virgin, Miss Sheri Valera. According to this story:

SINGLE women in Japan have been offered the ultimate bedtime mate: he won’t stay out late, he doesn’t snore and he won’t hog the doona.

He sounds like the perfect guy because if there’s one thing that Sheri hates, it’s a guy that hogs the doona. And be honest ladies — who doesn’t?

Women of all ages have reportedly been rushing to buy their very own Boyfriend Arm Pillow – a snuggly alternative to the real thing.

Oh baby, give it to me!

He comes with his own shirts for those who miss fussing over their man and one model has a vibrating alarm function to gently shake their sleeping beauty awake.

ok, this is starting to sound a little bit too erotic for Sheri, but who knows? Who doesn’t want to wake up asking “is it 7am already or are you just glad to see me?”

And for our good friend Pete, there is hope:

And for the boys who feel left out – a limited edition Girlfriend Arm Pillow is also on the way.

Today is a happy day!

(Thanks to Chuck for the link.)

[Added picture.]

Thanks to World O’Crap we discover “this guy” who:

claims that the stamp used on the letters (which looks like a standard pre-stamped envelope to me) is an IRAQI stamp featuring an IRAQI eagle, proving that Saddam was behind the anthrax attack, and probably 9/11 too

(On an unrelated note, we also discover thanks to WOC about Pete’s strange hobbies, but that’s for another blog.) Anyway — back to “this guy,” whose name appears to be J. Adams. “J” doesn’t only have fascinating theories about Saddam’s Mass Mailings of Biological Destruction. In fact, he has even better theories about the Soviet Union. In case you wonder if you should believe him, consider this:

While I don’t know if U.S. intelligence has made the connections overviewed above, I have. Maybe there’s a reason.

You know what, maybe there is a reason. We’re just really scared to find out what that reason might be, although some unrenewed prescriptions and missed doctor appointments may well be part of the answer. On we go to the more interesting theories however:

I also realize, unlike U.S. intelligence, that Saddam Hussein’s Iraq is ultimately doing Moscow’s bidding. Furthermore, the “Evil Empire” Saddam works for simply is not dead….it feigned it’s own demise temporarily in order to get America and the Western powers to lower their guard and thereby open the way for a surprise third world war and the conquest of the Free World.

Since the West has been effectively deceived and the stage is now set for our military defeat if not outright annihilation, it may seem that there is no hope. Unfortunately for our foes, however, ultimate victory can not be achieved through lies and hate. All through history the way of truth and love has always won. Theirs are the armaments of man, mine is the sword of God’s truth and THAT can never be defeated.

You may want to read that about 574 times to make sure that it finally sinks in. America’s enemies have done all the right things to defeat her, but God will come through, along with his trusted sword of truth! Take that President Putin!

Come back tomorrow when we take a look at the secret plan for world domination cooked up by the Russians. Don’t cheat and look now — you could hurt yourself. Remember, Sadly, No! is staffed by professionals!

Pete was right — we are indeed back. Sadly, we don’t have anything to say (yet.)

More later, when we get done reading all the emails from Amber that came in while we were away.

The Management

Like a dark window being closed, my official guest blogging duties here at Sadly, No! are now coming to an end. Seb’s driving up to the house as I type and if I’m not out of here by the time he gets in, I’m pretty sure there’ll be hell to pay. Frankly, the house is a shambles and S.Z. practically set the kitchen on fire when she was making us breakfast this morning. Uh…perhaps I’ve said too much.

Anyway, the last I heard from Seb, he’d decided that his Canadian flag speedo was too cumbersome for vacation and he was working on eliminating all his tan lines. I shudder to think what that means. And as you can imagine, I don’t really want to stick around to find out.

I’d like to take a moment, though, to thank everybody for hanging around here even while Seb was away. I’m honored that Seb invited me to share my lunacy with his vast audience and even more honored that so many of you stayed around to read. But for those of you who have been worried, well, don’t. This blog will once again become funny, relevant, and informative as soon as Seb starts posting again.

Special thanks to both Blair and Scott for their technical assistance after I broke Seb’s blog. Without their help, we’d all still be reading an error message.

And so to close, I’d like to leave you with just one small piece of advice:

Next time you find the Wing Nuts trying to lock you out of your house, just remember…You can always get in through the Window.

(Okay, yes, that was basically just a pathetic attempt to get you to bookmark my blog.)

Thanks, everybody! This has been a lot of fun!

Auf Wiedersehen,

Pete

Well, it?s my final day as guest host here at Sadly, No! and as I sat down to write these last blog entries, I started to wonder what the future would hold. Would Wilson Lucom ever call me to talk about his former career? Would John LeBoutillier finally raise enough money to open his Counter Clinton Library? Would Seb kill me for letting Amber Pawlik out of her cage? Would Alan Keyes win the Illinois Senate race?

As these thoughts raced through my tired brain, I decided I needed answers. After giving the matter a bit of thought, I remembered that we have a true prophet of God in this country who knows how to predict the future…Pat Robertson. You may remember Pat from such famous predictions as this one (revealed by God earlier this year):

“I think George Bush is going to win in a walk,” Robertson said on his “700 Club” program on the Virginia Beach-based Christian Broadcasting Network, which he founded. “I really believe I’m hearing from the Lord it’s going to be like a blowout election in 2004. It’s shaping up that way.”

Right.

Thinking he might be able to help me, I wandered over to Pat’s website (the Christian Broadcasting Network) and immediately discerned that they have an article up about using our dreams to predict the future.

Since everybody’s been so nice to me here the past several days, I figured I should share this wisdom with all of you. So without further ado…Here?s your future!

Dreams are one of the most overlooked forms of communication used by God. The Word of God consistently reveals God as speaking to people through this universally experienced and mysterious phenomenon.

Overlooked no more, my friend.

The Lord uses dreams for a variety of purposes:

– to warn global leaders of future events. (Gen. 41:1-8)

It’s true. It’s all in how you interpret them. When God told our Fearless Leader that there’d be an emergency as he read My Pet Goat, he took it as a sign to use the bathroom before the class started. On the bright side, at least there were no uncomfortable “accidents” to make us look weak in front of the terrorists.

– to warn us against certain decisions. (Matt. 27:17-19)

I wish I?d read this before looking into Seb?s closet.

– to reveal His divine destiny for our lives. (Gen. 37:5-8)

Relegation to obscurity. Already know it.

– to answer our recent petitions and prayers. (I Kings 3:5-15)

Awww, yeah! Hello Olson twins! (Okay, maybe not the skinny one)

When to know a dream is from God, i.e. a “spiritual dream,” and when it’s just a natural dream can sometimes be hard to discern. No doubt it’s a very subjective experience but most of us have had the feeling that some dreams are not like the rest.

Like that one where Mr. T and I sang karaoke on the cruise ship. I knew that one was special as soon as it was over. I woke up thinking it must be some kind of message and, well, I guess it was.

The images linger, the emotions are strongly affected, and we get this feeling that what we just experienced is a message from above; a message that needs explanation.

Yes, yes. I pity the foo with no explanation.

When we do receive a spiritual dream they are usually one of three types.

I like how Wing Nuts always have such a precise ability to quantify things. Kind of like Rainman.

1. Warning Dream – This type is meant to warn us about some future attack from the enemy or some difficult time ahead.

You know, I?m beginning to wonder if God really does speak to the Bushman.

2. Confirmation Dream – This dream simply confirms that what you believe to be true about a person or situation is in fact true.

Ah, so Seb really is gay.

3. Prophetic Dream – A dream which reveals the future concerning yourself, another individual, a nation, etc.

Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere! Know the future now! So I’ll just…uh…wait, where are the rest of the instructions? The article seems to end right there. Damn.

I guess that means we’re just going to have to interpret our dreams for ourselves. Well, okay. Given that, here are my predictions based on some recent dreams:

(1) Seb will never allow me to guest blog again.

(2) Tom DeLay, eating at McDonald’s, will choke on a french fry and die in the little hallway leading back to the bathroom. Other Wing Nuts will mistake the two crumpled french fries he still holds in his hand for a reference to the Twin Towers and he will always be remembered as a Blame-America-Firster.

(3) In an attempt to appease the rabid Right after the DeLay scandal, McDonald’s will replace Grimace with Wilson Lucom. Children will be too terrified to eat Happy Meals with his picture on them and America will be blessed with a whole new generation of healthy kids.

(4) Amber Pawlik will get bored with her newfound liberty and secretly sneak back into Seb’s closet. I suspect we’ll all be reading about her here again soon.

Only time will tell if I’ve used Pat’s gifts correctly. But if you think I’ve heard God wrong, then ask Him yourself. Well, unless you’re a Wing Nut. Then you’d better just ask Pat.

The bizarre Wing Nut crusade against Subway restaurants continues today and Susan Jones, Morning Editor for CNSNews, brings us this late-breaking story:

More Anti-American Images Found at German Subway Stores

Picture this: a gigantic cheeseburger (with tomatoes and lettuce) slamming into two high-rise buildings, as cartoon characters run from the flaming ruins.

I think perhaps it’s the tomatoes and lettuce that put it over the top. And correct me if I?m wrong but doesn?t the gigantic terroristic cheeseburger seem to be slamming into more than just two high-rises?

Subway’s hateful anti-American imagery

It’s clearly a takeoff on the 9/11 terror attacks on the World Trade Center, and according to the Virginia-based Center for Individual Freedom, the illustration appears on page 18 of a 30-page “food diary” distributed by Subway sandwich shops in Germany.

Yes, clearly. But then what branding agency wouldn’t realize the benefit of tying its product to 9/11? The only surprise here is that more major corporations haven?t tried this approach already.

Thank God for the brave patriots at CIF or we?d already be seeing suicide bomb tacos and box cutter-shaped pizza slices covering our nation?s billboards.

The Center says complaints from Americans prompted German Subway shops to pull the tray-liners. But the cheeseburger-crashing-into-buildings image apparently is still out there — distributed in German subway stores over the past few days.

Fresh rumors are already beginning to circulate that Mohammed Atta?s real reason for visiting Prague was not so much to meet with the Iraqi Counsel as it was a sinister layover on his way to a German Subway restaurant.

The new image shows that Subway’s advertising is “far more disturbing and anti-American than previously thought,” the Center for Individual Freedom said in a press release.

You?ve really got to wonder about the depth of those previous thoughts.

The cheeseburger image is found in a Subway “food diary” that encourages Germans to track their food consumption for 30 days. The diary is “replete with anti-American images,” the Center said.

Anti-American images like demonstrations of healthy food consumption, I?m guessing.

After I wrote yesterday?s Subway piece (and after I read some of the great comments), it struck me that the Wing Nuts had achieved a strange paradox here. They?re attempting to defend free enterprise by attacking, well, free enterprise.

I believe the Nuts are driven by two motivating factors here. Factor A is the obvious publicity they?ll get from their ridiculous grandstanding. The patriots over at CIF are truly basking in it at the moment. But it?s Factor B, I think, that is far more insidious. Subway?s real sin has nothing to do with any anti-American imagery. It?s the fact that they?re openly questioning the health of Americans and the effects of their fast food choices. And once you pose a threat to the giant American conglomerates that control so much of our culture and economy, you make yourself a very large target. Put these two factors together and you have the makings of a Wing Nut wet dream.

“Based on this new material, distributed for days in Subway’s German stores, the Center for Individual Freedom demands that Subway apologize to American consumers immediately. If it fails to make amends for this transgression, its [sic] risks once again feeling the wrath of angry consumers across our nation,” the Center for Individual Freedom said.

Based on this new material, distributed for days in the Wing Nut media, I demand that the Center for Individual Freedom immediately apologize to Americans for telling the world that poor health and corporate greed are the only values that are truly patriotic. If the CIF fails to make amends for this transgression, it [no sic] risks once again feeling the combined mockery of Sadly, No! and The Dark Window.

The Center said it intends to continue drawing attention to Subway’s “tasteless anti-American marketing scheme in the coming days.”

Of this I have absolutely no doubt. And as long as these morons keep shrieking about Subway being anti-American, we’ll be there to point and laugh.

One of my personal favorite Wing Nuts has a new column up at NewsMax and it’s a good one. If you haven’t met this gentleman yet, let me just say that he might possibly be the nuttiest of them all. So everybody please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to our very special guest…Wilsonnnnnnn Lucommmmmm!

The war on terrorism is President Bush?s strongest point, and he must stick to that topic and keep re-emphasizing to all voters, especially the uncommitted, that by fighting abroad he has successfully protected them for almost three years from further attacks in the United States. And the U.N. also bears responsibility for failing to stop the 9/11 attack because it has a duty to keep world peace.

Yes, that certainly sounds like a good reason to blame the UN for 9/11.

President Bush must repeatedly tell voters that his policy of attacking Saddam Hussein, the “father and grandfather of terrorists” (“The Connection: How al Qaeda’s Collaboration with Saddam Hussein Has Endangered America,” by Stephen F. Hays, p. 93), has protected you from further terrorist attacks on U.S. soil. His policy of not fighting the terrorists in the U.S. but in Iraq was a brilliant strategy; it kept you from being attacked in America.

Brilliant, indeed. The best part is that we?ll never run out of terrorists to fight there because our presence keeps breeding more!

The very important reason the war on terrorism and not the economy must have the highest priority is that if the U.S. is attacked, and attacked seriously, the economy of the United States will be in shambles. It is far more important for President Bush to protect the economy from being ruined by a terrorist attack than to nitpick over whether the economy is doing as well as it could.

Classic Lucom. Remember, this is the man who gave us this inescapable logic:

“It is a fact that cannot be denied: You would not be alive today to read this message if your mother and father were homosexuals who would not have children.” (Thanks to S.Z. for link)

Using Lucom’s brilliant logic, terrorism is the only thing that matters because everything else would be destroyed if the terrorists succeeded. Frankly, I don?t know why the Bushman even bothers to address other issues.

President Bush has successfully handled the war on terrorism and protected this country from further terrorist attack. If Kerry?s delaying policy of working through the United Nations had been followed, the terrorists would have had time to regroup and most likely would have again struck, killing many of you. Therefore, the re-election of President Bush is critical in this age of terrorism.

That?s right, dear friends. If John Kerry had somehow been President four years ago, it is “most likely” that many of you would now be dead. Thank God he wasn?t running.

And, as always, thank God for Lucom.

Wilson C. Lucom

Just in case our previous entry didn’t completely satiate your Wing Nut appetite, I invite you over to Sadly, No!’s California Bureau to meet a lunatic rivaling Master Lucom himself. And trust me…that’s no small accomplishment.