Sadly, No!

Let’s call it the Bullshit de luxe instead. Tamara Wilhite (born Stagmatilhite) writes:

According to the Census Bureau, “The number of Americans living in poverty increased by 1.3 million last year, while the ranks of the uninsured swelled by 1.4 million”. Does anyone else notice the similarity to the number of illegal immigrants supposed to cross our border per year?

Really stupid people often have many letters in their names. So does Tamara. Does anyone notice the similarity? Let’s continue:

Let us assume that the number of illegals coming in is a mere 1 million a year. Then 77% of the rise in poverty and 71% of the rise in the uninsured is merely from the addition of these illegal immigrants.

If you’re keeping score at home (whether you are doing so through back of the envelope calculations or the equally popular lion’s share method,) Tamara has just stated that 100% of illegal immigrants live in poverty. She has so much more to say though. So. Much. More.

Since many legal immigrants are college educated or came here for education, we cannot assume that a majority of legal immigrants are here in poverty. [Emphasis added.]

You can tell that whatever motivated Tamara (or her parents) to come to the US, it wasn’t education. And since only 27% of Americans aged 25 and over had a college degree in 2003, we can assume that 73% of Americans live in poverty. Hoozah!

It’s funny (in a wingnut, I write what I think, not what is factually accurate sort of way,) that Tamara goes to such great lengths with her mathematical proofs when she could have gone to the Center for Immigration Studies (a conservative DC outfit,) which has done what Tamara did, except they didn’t just pull the numbers out of their asses:

In 1999, 11.2 percent of natives (compared to 16.8 percent of all immigrants) lived in poverty. […] Our estimates indicate that of the three million illegal aliens from Mexico, 972,000 (33 percent) live in poverty […]

Isn’t it supposed to be 100 percent? Or at least the lion’s share? More? ok:

The high poverty rate associated with immigrants is not explained by the presence of illegal immigrants. Although their poverty rate is high, illegal aliens comprise only an estimated 22.5 percent of persons in immigrant households living in poverty in 1997. … the overwhelming majority of people in poverty living in immigrant households are legal immigrants or the U.S.-born children of immigrants[.]

Oops!

If we solved the immigration problem by shipping everyone back, our poverty rate drops by a third. It’s not a politically correct solution. It might [sic] not even be a practical solution. But it would be a real solution by the numbers.

Pray for us, baby Jesus. Then again, maybe that won’t be necessary after all:

Tamara Wilhite is an engineer by day, a wife and mother by night, and writes science fiction in the wee hours to help keep her sanity.

Science fiction? Looks like the joke’s on us.

Thanks to The Dark Window for the link.

Jo Fish tells it like it is:

If there were not such a gang of criminals and thieves in congress, one would almost think this might be seen as the proverbial “smoking gun” in the Abu-Ghraib scandal and they might start an investigation. Sadly, No!

Continued here.

But do you have to be so fucking high profile about it? The answer better be no:

KABUL, Afghanistan (AP) – The U.S. government warned its citizens to keep a
low profile Monday after a car bomb hit a private American security firm,
killing up to 11 people in the deadliest attack in the Afghan capital in two
years.

Three Americans died in Sunday’s attack, according to Kabul’s NATO-led
security force, up from the two fatalities initially reported by the Afghan
government.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the blast at the office of Dyncorp
Inc., which provides bodyguards for Afghan President Hamid Karzai and works
for the American government in Iraq.

Tali-what? Who the fuck are those guys?

Count Rugen: Good heavens, are you still trying to win? You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It’s going to get you in trouble someday.

As earlier posts today might have indicated, we have now made our way back home to Germany, allowing us to go back to being the best darn blogger we can be. (And send Pete M. back where he belongs, i.e. The Dark Window.)

Many things, most (if not all) unimportant, happened while we were away. Here’s a summary of things you might (and will wish you had) have missed:

Because, really:

Confetti that will dropped at the Republican Convention in Madison Square Garden features images of President George Bush (news – web sites), his wife Laura Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney (news – web sites) and his wife Lynne, and the Cheneys’ grandson Philip Perry. The pieces of confetti, measuring about one inch in diameter, were photographed in New York Monday, Aug. 30, 2004. (AP Photo/David Karp)

Thanks to Blair for the link.

Then again, some of you may conclude that we are stickin’ it:

Yes, there’s something wrong. I’m tired. Does this mean I’ll never post again? Damned if I know. But it won’t be soon.

Yamantaka from xpat.org sends us this proposed banner for Men’s News Daily, the home of the hottest young (and not so young) conservative writers on the web.

We like very much.

Seb’s second-best gal has a steamy new column up at the Rant and it seems that she’s decided to pour all of her pent-up sexual thoughts into an anti-John Kerry screed based on, well, something very strange. (Lest you think I’m imagining her pent-up sexual thoughts, Seb was pretty clear about them last week.)

Anyway, Marsala seems to have “discovered” an amazing new story about a woman (Lee Whitnum aka Lee Roystone) who purportedly dated John Kerry back in 1990 (when they were both single). This woman made a website where she shared some of her memories of John, posted a few snapshots of the two of them together, and then tried to sell copies of a novel she’s written. For the sake of enjoying Marsala’s column, we’ll ignore all the press her new discovery already received a couple of weeks ago.

Probably the most important thing to bear in mind when you’re reading Marsala’s column is that nobody on either the Left or the Right seems to have any idea if this woman’s website is legitimate. But then that’s probably incidental to the grandiose vision Marsala has for her own little Swift Boat attack. It’s called Did Kerry Become “Michael” in a Hot Steamy Romance Novel?

An ode to “Michael” from his entwined spiritual lover “Katherine”–

As our spirits melded together upon that fateful Earth Day in 1990, my burning bosom ached and my hot flesh began to yearn into climatically, but unquenchable desire. Especially when you said in French– with your right eye brow debonairly raised and that ornery, bemused look– “I served in Viet Nam”…wanna see my big bulging purple hearts you little liberal pot smokin’ honey?

Boy, if it weren’t for that Vietnam part, I’d swear Marsala was actually talking about Seb…

Whew wee “Michael” you’ve got a hot past buddy. No wonder you can’t make up your mind on the issues, with hot little gal’s await’n for you at Earth Day festivals.

Look, Kerry, I know this sounds crazy but some people are actually able to move on after 13 years. Some people even continue to have sex. Others (like Seb) manage to find alternative outlets for all these pent-up thoughts. If you send him an e-mail, I’m sure he’d be happy to offer some suggestions.

Reportedly John Kerry had a fan site, run by a self-proclaiming former lover– romance novelist and liberal environmental activist– Lee Roystone, or “Katherine,” her code name during their supposed tryst so no one would know whom “Michael and Katherine” really were.

Pretty sneaky, huh?

The devoted romance novelist, Roystone, had a website dedicated to their past time together, but just recently it became disabled. It would seem Google hasn?t much to say about the cache or any knowledge of who author Roystone is. A scam possibly to sell a cheap book? Can’t say, but it sure was smattered with pictures of her darling “Michael” and several hate remarks for President George Bush.

In other words, Mrs. Marsala has no idea if any of this is even true but since she thinks it makes John Kerry look bad, she’d better write a column about it.

And what about those “hate remarks” she mentions? I don’t remember anything like that in the website itself. Fortunately Marsala doesn’t seem too worried about things like facts getting in her way.

At this point our article is interrupted by a book cover:

Now I’ll be honest. I think that cover’s actually pretty funny. But what moron decided to use it in this article?

Is it Matt Drudge time?

You mean time to print unsubstantiated rumors to get them into the public consciousness regardless of their veracity? Actually, Kerry, you’re a little late. Drudge already ran with this story a couple of weeks ago.

Allegedly, Roystone shared pictures of what she called her “John Kerry Scrapbook,” along with intimate thoughts about the man she dated for twenty months. Sprinkled within her thoughts were captions such as, he is “a deep thinker and a good listener” and he “is not void in any area” (we won’t ask what area). His “amazing brain,” Roystone touts, has him being “worldly and well read– so for Roystone this adds up to “We need him!”

Only at the Rant are things like “good listener,” “amazing brain,” “worldly,” and “well read” considered inappropriate traits in a Presidential candidate.

Isn’t it ironic, in the last couple of months how many books and DVD’s are coming out bashing President Bush and drooling over John Kerry?

There’s something ironic about that sentence, alright, but I don’t think the irony falls quite where Marsala expected it.

Evidently “Michael” you had a lasting impact on “Katherine” you’ve made it into a romance novel. You little macho, suave, French speaking man you. Katherine, how do you say?…Michael you’re one passionne’ Francais a parlant caresser, so you should be– le Dictateur.

Kerry, honey, you may want to work on your English before trying to tackle French.

By the way who was the guy on the front cover of the “Hedge Fund Mistress?” He didn’t look like John Kerry, his eyebrows weren’t plucked, and there were no tell tale signs of Botox or Clairol number 5.

That’s an especially weird question considering that it’s a naked woman on the cover. Given Marsala’s confusion here, I’m beginning to think it’s been a really long time.

Her closing paragraph doesn’t do much to alleviate that thought.

I think I’ll make sure Bill Clinton gets a copy of “Hedge Fund Mistress,” he’d probably enjoy reading it, with a fine Havana cigar.

That’s quite a fantasy for a Wing Nut. Thankfully Seb gets back on Monday. Hopefully he’ll be able to help her out a little.

Kerry Marsala

Lee Whitnum, aka Lee Roystone

Just in case Kerry Marsala’s sex-filled column wasn’t satisfying enough for you, I invite you over to the Dark Window where you’ll meet a Wing Nut of truly epic proportions. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

Well, as you already learned in the post immediately preceding this one, our lovable host of Sadly, No!, the self-proclaimed third-funniest person on the internet, had to make an unexpected trip back home for a funeral. While he’s away, I, Pete M. of the Dark Window, the guy Seb ranked dead last in his survey of internet humor, will try to keep you at least nominally entertained. As Seb hinted in his farewell entry, I have several time constraints of my own over the next few days so don’t expect any high-quality entries like you’d find at World O’Crap. In other words, you can rest assured that this blog will retain its usual low standards until Seb returns.

As I was getting off the plane in Frankfurt to post this entry, I was startled to see our old friend Amber Pawlik bounding by in the opposite direction, just about to board the non-stop flight to State College, PA. You may remember how I accidentally let her loose the last time Seb went away. As you can probably imagine, he’s still pretty mad about that.

Knowing I should do everything in my power to return her to Seb’s custody, I sprinted over and prepared to nab her. Imagine my surprise when she turned to me and said this:

It has been said before that the ?pen is mightier than the sword.? The ?pen? refers to the power of ideas, expressed in written word. While the power of ideas is important, and no person or country will win without them, I have come to believe that the sword is mightier than the pen.

He-ey! Sounds like maybe Amber?s lookin? to get frisky! This might be more fun than I thought.

I came to this conclusion based on my work with Iran.

Oh.

And then she said this:

There is a very strong movement in Iran, among the students, that wishes to overthrow the mullahs who terrorize Iran.

Noooooo! Not another Amber rant about Iran and how its college students need guns!

I tried to grab her before she could continue but I was too late. The rant had begun.

Blah blah blah thugs do not understand reason; they understand force blah blah blah if you want to have a strong civilization, you must have a strong sword ? for protection blah blah blah the first two staples of their Bill of Rights should be exactly the same as ours: the right to free speech and the right to bear arms blah blah blah.

I fought back a sudden need to sleep and, in spite of the incredibly soporific quality of her words, was just about to apprehend her when I found myself shocked, awed, and practically blinded.

You see, right behind her in the Mens News Daily international terminal was this:

Shock and Awe!
By: Brian Voss, Co Host of The Rich and Voss Show
On www.instantfm.com

?Must. Not. Click,? I told myself, knowing that if I did, Amber would escape yet again. But I couldn?t help it. And here?s the shockingly awe-ful thing that greeted me:

The Shock and Awe! T-shirt

All thoughts of Amber immediately forgotten, I found myself mesmerized by this incredible shirt.

Fortunately, Brian Voss was there to explain this truly extraordinary piece of fashion. What makes it so extraordinary? Listen:

This weekend I accompanied my family to our local shopping mall. The mall was flooded with Back-To-School shoppers getting those last minute supplies and clothes. I thought to myself, what better a place to unleash some Shock and Awe on my liberal friends. Now this is not an easy task. Shocking a liberal is very hard because they are usually trying to shock us normal humans. But I have found the way to do it!

That’s right. And it’s with a (surprise surprise) product Brian just happens to be selling. And not only can you buy it, but it’s now available for a special RNC sale price of $12.95. That’s a savings of $5.00!!!

Most Bush supporters will put their W4 bumper stickers on their cars. Maybe they?ll wear a W4 T-shirt. I have to be honest with you though; most of America is saying ?What the heck is W4??

I don’t know about “most of America” but I was sure saying that.

But if you really want to get a reaction, if you really want to see smoke billowing from a liberals ears, if you really want to see the spawn of Satan tear out of their bellies like the Aliens movie, you wear a ?Bush Is My Homie? T-Shirt to a crowded public place.

That sounds like a pretty dangerous shirt.

Oh the magnificent joy of watching the liberal left shaking their heads in absolute disgust. This T-Shirt is to liberals as what garlic is to vampires.

Well you know, Brian, when you wear your shirt for two weeks straight without washing it, you’re bound to get reactions like that.

They whisper, they point but best of all they see that the whole world is not on their side. You know what they?re thinking, ?How dare those damn conservatives try to be hip!? They hide their children?s eyes in hopes that they wont also want to wear the Ultra Cool ?Bush Is My Homie? T-Shirt.

Trust me, Brian. That’s not why they’re hiding their children’s eyes. And that’s certainly not why they’re whispering and pointing.

And of course you?ll find your brothers and sisters by wearing this shirt. They smile in delight. They come up and say hello. They thank you for being brave enough in a liberal world to show the true red, white and blue. What is so profound about this particular slogan? What makes this the most effective campaign gear of the 2004 election? Well that?s easy, it simply says it all in a language that we all understand, especially the liberals. Bush Is My Homie. He is my friend. He cares about me. I care about him. George Bush makes me feel good.

In other words, George Bush is pretty much like Jesus but without all those dumb rules like loving your neighbor.

If you really want to be effective and help the Bush campaign, wear the shirt to a movie theatre.

Brian’s probably right about that one. At least in the movie theater nobody will see how ridiculous it looks because it will be dark and everybody will be watching the screen.

Let me be more specific, wear it to a movie theatre that is playing Fahrenheit 911. A few weeks ago as I went to see King Arthur at my local theatre I proudly displayed my Bush Is My Homie shirt. Oh, the looks of distain I received from the left and Oh, the cheers I received from the right.

Wow! Every shirt-wearer’s wildest dream come true…spontaneous applause!

But nothing yielded more satisfaction then when I stepped up to purchase my ticket and the young lady, who couldn?t have been but Twenty years old said over the speaker to me ?Way to go! I wish more people wore a shirt like that!?

It seems that Brian failed to notice the young ladies in the booth doubled over with laughter as he walked away.

Sometimes you have to bring out the Shock and Awe to get noticed.

Most states have laws against that type of thing, though.

Sometimes it?s the only way to get your message out. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. By now you have probably seen one of these T-Shirts in your town or city as they continue to ship out all over the country.

As amazing as it sounds, I haven’t!

The Bush Is My Homie Army is growing rapidly and I?m proud to be a member. InstantFM.com is the place to get them and thank God they are doing it and thank God I get to be a host on a radio network that makes no bones about it, Bush Is Their Homie!

Needless to say, the Bush Is My Homie Army foiled Amber’s capture yet again. But hey, at least I came out of this whole thing with an ultra-hip new t-shirt plus five dollars to spare. Just wait ’til all those young ladies see me struttin’ through the mall in this thing!

“Hey, baby. How about letting me buy you a Cinnabon?”