Seb’s second-best gal has a steamy new column up at the Rant and it seems that she’s decided to pour all of her pent-up sexual thoughts into an anti-John Kerry screed based on, well, something very strange. (Lest you think I’m imagining her pent-up sexual thoughts, Seb was pretty clear about them last week.)

Anyway, Marsala seems to have “discovered” an amazing new story about a woman (Lee Whitnum aka Lee Roystone) who purportedly dated John Kerry back in 1990 (when they were both single). This woman made a website where she shared some of her memories of John, posted a few snapshots of the two of them together, and then tried to sell copies of a novel she’s written. For the sake of enjoying Marsala’s column, we’ll ignore all the press her new discovery already received a couple of weeks ago.

Probably the most important thing to bear in mind when you’re reading Marsala’s column is that nobody on either the Left or the Right seems to have any idea if this woman’s website is legitimate. But then that’s probably incidental to the grandiose vision Marsala has for her own little Swift Boat attack. It’s called Did Kerry Become “Michael” in a Hot Steamy Romance Novel?

An ode to “Michael” from his entwined spiritual lover “Katherine”–

As our spirits melded together upon that fateful Earth Day in 1990, my burning bosom ached and my hot flesh began to yearn into climatically, but unquenchable desire. Especially when you said in French– with your right eye brow debonairly raised and that ornery, bemused look– “I served in Viet Nam”…wanna see my big bulging purple hearts you little liberal pot smokin’ honey?

Boy, if it weren’t for that Vietnam part, I’d swear Marsala was actually talking about Seb…

Whew wee “Michael” you’ve got a hot past buddy. No wonder you can’t make up your mind on the issues, with hot little gal’s await’n for you at Earth Day festivals.

Look, Kerry, I know this sounds crazy but some people are actually able to move on after 13 years. Some people even continue to have sex. Others (like Seb) manage to find alternative outlets for all these pent-up thoughts. If you send him an e-mail, I’m sure he’d be happy to offer some suggestions.

Reportedly John Kerry had a fan site, run by a self-proclaiming former lover– romance novelist and liberal environmental activist– Lee Roystone, or “Katherine,” her code name during their supposed tryst so no one would know whom “Michael and Katherine” really were.

Pretty sneaky, huh?

The devoted romance novelist, Roystone, had a website dedicated to their past time together, but just recently it became disabled. It would seem Google hasn?t much to say about the cache or any knowledge of who author Roystone is. A scam possibly to sell a cheap book? Can’t say, but it sure was smattered with pictures of her darling “Michael” and several hate remarks for President George Bush.

In other words, Mrs. Marsala has no idea if any of this is even true but since she thinks it makes John Kerry look bad, she’d better write a column about it.

And what about those “hate remarks” she mentions? I don’t remember anything like that in the website itself. Fortunately Marsala doesn’t seem too worried about things like facts getting in her way.

At this point our article is interrupted by a book cover:

Now I’ll be honest. I think that cover’s actually pretty funny. But what moron decided to use it in this article?

Is it Matt Drudge time?

You mean time to print unsubstantiated rumors to get them into the public consciousness regardless of their veracity? Actually, Kerry, you’re a little late. Drudge already ran with this story a couple of weeks ago.

Allegedly, Roystone shared pictures of what she called her “John Kerry Scrapbook,” along with intimate thoughts about the man she dated for twenty months. Sprinkled within her thoughts were captions such as, he is “a deep thinker and a good listener” and he “is not void in any area” (we won’t ask what area). His “amazing brain,” Roystone touts, has him being “worldly and well read– so for Roystone this adds up to “We need him!”

Only at the Rant are things like “good listener,” “amazing brain,” “worldly,” and “well read” considered inappropriate traits in a Presidential candidate.

Isn’t it ironic, in the last couple of months how many books and DVD’s are coming out bashing President Bush and drooling over John Kerry?

There’s something ironic about that sentence, alright, but I don’t think the irony falls quite where Marsala expected it.

Evidently “Michael” you had a lasting impact on “Katherine” you’ve made it into a romance novel. You little macho, suave, French speaking man you. Katherine, how do you say?…Michael you’re one passionne’ Francais a parlant caresser, so you should be– le Dictateur.

Kerry, honey, you may want to work on your English before trying to tackle French.

By the way who was the guy on the front cover of the “Hedge Fund Mistress?” He didn’t look like John Kerry, his eyebrows weren’t plucked, and there were no tell tale signs of Botox or Clairol number 5.

That’s an especially weird question considering that it’s a naked woman on the cover. Given Marsala’s confusion here, I’m beginning to think it’s been a really long time.

Her closing paragraph doesn’t do much to alleviate that thought.

I think I’ll make sure Bill Clinton gets a copy of “Hedge Fund Mistress,” he’d probably enjoy reading it, with a fine Havana cigar.

That’s quite a fantasy for a Wing Nut. Thankfully Seb gets back on Monday. Hopefully he’ll be able to help her out a little.

Kerry Marsala

Lee Whitnum, aka Lee Roystone