Shock, Awe, and Amber Pawlik
Well, as you already learned in the post immediately preceding this one, our lovable host of Sadly, No!, the self-proclaimed third-funniest person on the internet, had to make an unexpected trip back home for a funeral. While he’s away, I, Pete M. of the Dark Window, the guy Seb ranked dead last in his survey of internet humor, will try to keep you at least nominally entertained. As Seb hinted in his farewell entry, I have several time constraints of my own over the next few days so don’t expect any high-quality entries like you’d find at World O’Crap. In other words, you can rest assured that this blog will retain its usual low standards until Seb returns.
As I was getting off the plane in Frankfurt to post this entry, I was startled to see our old friend Amber Pawlik bounding by in the opposite direction, just about to board the non-stop flight to State College, PA. You may remember how I accidentally let her loose the last time Seb went away. As you can probably imagine, he’s still pretty mad about that.
Knowing I should do everything in my power to return her to Seb’s custody, I sprinted over and prepared to nab her. Imagine my surprise when she turned to me and said this:
It has been said before that the ?pen is mightier than the sword.? The ?pen? refers to the power of ideas, expressed in written word. While the power of ideas is important, and no person or country will win without them, I have come to believe that the sword is mightier than the pen.
He-ey! Sounds like maybe Amber?s lookin? to get frisky! This might be more fun than I thought.
I came to this conclusion based on my work with Iran.
Oh.
And then she said this:
There is a very strong movement in Iran, among the students, that wishes to overthrow the mullahs who terrorize Iran.
Noooooo! Not another Amber rant about Iran and how its college students need guns!
I tried to grab her before she could continue but I was too late. The rant had begun.
Blah blah blah thugs do not understand reason; they understand force blah blah blah if you want to have a strong civilization, you must have a strong sword ? for protection blah blah blah the first two staples of their Bill of Rights should be exactly the same as ours: the right to free speech and the right to bear arms blah blah blah.
I fought back a sudden need to sleep and, in spite of the incredibly soporific quality of her words, was just about to apprehend her when I found myself shocked, awed, and practically blinded.
You see, right behind her in the Mens News Daily international terminal was this:
Shock and Awe!
By: Brian Voss, Co Host of The Rich and Voss Show
On www.instantfm.com
?Must. Not. Click,? I told myself, knowing that if I did, Amber would escape yet again. But I couldn?t help it. And here?s the shockingly awe-ful thing that greeted me:
The Shock and Awe! T-shirt
All thoughts of Amber immediately forgotten, I found myself mesmerized by this incredible shirt.
Fortunately, Brian Voss was there to explain this truly extraordinary piece of fashion. What makes it so extraordinary? Listen:
This weekend I accompanied my family to our local shopping mall. The mall was flooded with Back-To-School shoppers getting those last minute supplies and clothes. I thought to myself, what better a place to unleash some Shock and Awe on my liberal friends. Now this is not an easy task. Shocking a liberal is very hard because they are usually trying to shock us normal humans. But I have found the way to do it!
That’s right. And it’s with a (surprise surprise) product Brian just happens to be selling. And not only can you buy it, but it’s now available for a special RNC sale price of $12.95. That’s a savings of $5.00!!!
Most Bush supporters will put their W4 bumper stickers on their cars. Maybe they?ll wear a W4 T-shirt. I have to be honest with you though; most of America is saying ?What the heck is W4??
I don’t know about “most of America” but I was sure saying that.
But if you really want to get a reaction, if you really want to see smoke billowing from a liberals ears, if you really want to see the spawn of Satan tear out of their bellies like the Aliens movie, you wear a ?Bush Is My Homie? T-Shirt to a crowded public place.
That sounds like a pretty dangerous shirt.
Oh the magnificent joy of watching the liberal left shaking their heads in absolute disgust. This T-Shirt is to liberals as what garlic is to vampires.
Well you know, Brian, when you wear your shirt for two weeks straight without washing it, you’re bound to get reactions like that.
They whisper, they point but best of all they see that the whole world is not on their side. You know what they?re thinking, ?How dare those damn conservatives try to be hip!? They hide their children?s eyes in hopes that they wont also want to wear the Ultra Cool ?Bush Is My Homie? T-Shirt.
Trust me, Brian. That’s not why they’re hiding their children’s eyes. And that’s certainly not why they’re whispering and pointing.
And of course you?ll find your brothers and sisters by wearing this shirt. They smile in delight. They come up and say hello. They thank you for being brave enough in a liberal world to show the true red, white and blue. What is so profound about this particular slogan? What makes this the most effective campaign gear of the 2004 election? Well that?s easy, it simply says it all in a language that we all understand, especially the liberals. Bush Is My Homie. He is my friend. He cares about me. I care about him. George Bush makes me feel good.
In other words, George Bush is pretty much like Jesus but without all those dumb rules like loving your neighbor.
If you really want to be effective and help the Bush campaign, wear the shirt to a movie theatre.
Brian’s probably right about that one. At least in the movie theater nobody will see how ridiculous it looks because it will be dark and everybody will be watching the screen.
Let me be more specific, wear it to a movie theatre that is playing Fahrenheit 911. A few weeks ago as I went to see King Arthur at my local theatre I proudly displayed my Bush Is My Homie shirt. Oh, the looks of distain I received from the left and Oh, the cheers I received from the right.
Wow! Every shirt-wearer’s wildest dream come true…spontaneous applause!
But nothing yielded more satisfaction then when I stepped up to purchase my ticket and the young lady, who couldn?t have been but Twenty years old said over the speaker to me ?Way to go! I wish more people wore a shirt like that!?
It seems that Brian failed to notice the young ladies in the booth doubled over with laughter as he walked away.
Sometimes you have to bring out the Shock and Awe to get noticed.
Most states have laws against that type of thing, though.
Sometimes it?s the only way to get your message out. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. By now you have probably seen one of these T-Shirts in your town or city as they continue to ship out all over the country.
As amazing as it sounds, I haven’t!
The Bush Is My Homie Army is growing rapidly and I?m proud to be a member. InstantFM.com is the place to get them and thank God they are doing it and thank God I get to be a host on a radio network that makes no bones about it, Bush Is Their Homie!
Needless to say, the Bush Is My Homie Army foiled Amber’s capture yet again. But hey, at least I came out of this whole thing with an ultra-hip new t-shirt plus five dollars to spare. Just wait ’til all those young ladies see me struttin’ through the mall in this thing!
“Hey, baby. How about letting me buy you a Cinnabon?”
So he got looks of “distain”, huh? That’s a freudian slip if ever I saw one – what was the t-shirt stained with? I’ll leave it up to more iron-stomached people to speculate.
“Looks of distain”? Oh never mind….
But if all he wanted was attention, “Bush is my Homo” would have been more effective.
Hey listen, are we all getting together again at Pete’s, now that he’s at Seb’s? Ted could certainly use a throwdown – he’s pretty depressed about losing his prognosticating abilities and his Nixon mask.
Bush Is My Homie. He is my friend. He cares about me.
Sure he does, dumbass. Especially if you’re, say, 18-25 years of age…
Talking of lamentable efforts to render that which, at least as a category, is NOT ‘hip’, try this promo here:
JEWS KICK ASS! the chosen t-shirt for the chosen people
Funny post, but the two people you wrote about, I’ve never heard of them before. And if I never heard of them, they have to be too inconsequential to bother writing about. I’d ask who they are, but the Amber one seems like she’s some kind of CGI, while the second one is one of those writers who is in love with himself despite a lack of talent, and is too dumb to see that he lacks talent.
Had a brother-in-law who was all holey and righteous and so on. Used to make fun of me by callin me a “liberal”, not realizing that I hardly gave a crap. He’s divorced now so he’s not my brother-in-law anymore. That divorce stuff happens to alcoholics all the time. Cheated on his wife, put one child into therapy and the other ought to be in therapy, but she’s more inclined to wind up a mean drunk like her dad. I have a feeling that Brian guy, who thinks he’s shocking liberals with a T-shirt that would be hip in Branson, has similar problems to my brother-in-law. He has my pity, but not my interest.
Admittedly, my eyes are blurry due to lack of sleep, but when I looked at that image of the T-shirt, I thought it said “Bush Is My Homo.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Learn from my mistake, Pete, and don’t ruin your eyes trying to do too much blogging. In fact, I suggest you just follow Dr. Mike Adams example and post your email, or some nasty comments from a message board! It’s quick, it’s easy, and Mike gets paid for it.
So, try the Mike Adams plan — at least, on this blog. Seb will never know the difference.
Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Amber thought the saying was, “The penis mightier than a sword.” Which would go well with her famous “Enjoy Cock” t-shirt.
Wow, this guy is really full of himself, isn’t he? He’s probably the kind of guy who believes all women are flirting with him, all the time.
And, yes, I’d look at that shirt with disdain, and I’d be thinking something like, “Damn, dark red and blue against black? What contrast-blind idiot came up with that design?” I’d probably cluck my tongue and shake my head at the sad state of design schools these days.
Dorothy
G.D. Frogsdong
Well, at least what you read made sense.
I read it as “Bush is My Home”, which really weirded me out.
In any case, I gots to get me one of those whacky shirts. So cheesy!
“…it simply says it all… Bush Is My Homie. He is my friend. He cares about me…” I am the whitest cracker you will meet this week.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” -s.z.
What is it about this blog and all the seinfeld quotes?
They thank you for being brave enough in a liberal world to show the true red, white and blue.
Now here I thought that the true red, white and blue was the American flag, but clearly I’ve been misled. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to stick one a these babies on my hummer.
They hide their children?s eyes in hopes that they wont also want to wear the Ultra Cool ?Bush Is My Homie? T-Shirt.
hahahahahah
I love how these opportunists try to make money off of these poor suckers…
Don’t say anything alison…
“Bush is my Homie”? Does anyone, anywhere, of any race, creed, or color say “homie” anymore? What’s the next “Ultra Cool” T-Shirt slogan, “Bush: He Has the Most Vo-de-o-do?”
I guess it could be “hip” (who uses that word anymore anyway?) and “ultra cool” if appreciated ironically. I mean, the shirt is so clearly self-mocking, you wouldn’t have to do anything but wear it to get laughs.
This weekend I wandered through that epicenter of capitalistic omnipotence ? the local shopping mall. The mall was flooded with Back-To-School shoppers getting those last minute supplies and clothes and I couldn?t help thinking to myself: What better a place to unleash some Shock and Awe on my conservative nutbag friends? Now this is not an easy task. Shocking conservative nutbags is very hard because they are usually trying to shock us normal humans into believing their asinine bullshit. But I have found the way to do it!
If you really want to get a reaction, if you really want to see smoke billowing from a wing nuts ears, if you really want to see the spawn of Satan tear out of their bellies like the Aliens movie, you wear a ?Bush Is a Homo? T-Shirt to a crowded public place.
Oh the magnificent joy of watching the conservative nutbags left shaking their heads in absolute disgust. This T-Shirt is to the homophobic right what garlic is to vampires.
What is so profound about this particular slogan? What makes this the most effective campaign gear of the 2004 election? To tell you the truth, nothing at all ? it?s just funny as shit. And it simply says it in language that we all understand, especially the conservative nutbags. Bush Is My Homo. He is my friend. He cares about me. I care about him. George Bush makes me feel good.
So don’t delay! These hot little items are going fast, and at only 14 easy payments of $99.95 how can you refuse?
Right after The Penis Mightier can we also expect Famous Tities, The Rapists and Anal Bum Cover?
If you look at the “Bush Is My Homie” shirt through the ultra-secret 3-D decoder glasses, the shirt reads, “I’m a Douchebag”
Well, count dots, I actually took it as “Bush is my homo” at first too, but I took a second, more careful look. Had to take off my glasses and get my face close to the monitor before I could read it. I was sure it didn’t say “homo”. So I credit the author with bad sentiments AND bad T-shirt design.
“Homie” is pretty 1998, at the latest, but I guess if fads are years out of date, that’s when they show up in Branson.
That’s one t-shirt Doug Giles will probably think is trendy.
Other Ultra Cool T-shirt slogans:
“Bush: Up Your Nose With a Rubber Hose”
“Ten-Four, Good Buddy: Vote Bush”
“I Can’t Believe I Ate the Whole Bush”
“President Bush: Well Excuuuuuuuuuuuse Meeeeeeeee!”
“I’m With Stupid”
They thank you for being brave enough in a liberal world to show the true red, white and blue.
Where is this liberal world he refers to? I’d like to know so that I might move there if Kerry loses this election, because the world I live in has an America that features Rethug majorities in both houses of congress, a Rethug president, a rethug dominated supreme court, and a majority of rethug governors.
Man, just typing that makes me depressed.
“watching the liberal left shaking their heads in absolute disgust.”
I think instead of “absolute disgust” it’s more like amusement. What a lame shirt.
Despite the benign sense of “friend” or “buddy” that homie has assumed since it made its way into the mainstream (read: found its way onto the lips of every cracker in every cowtown in America), for me the word is still the diminutive of homeboy and the first use of homeboy I can recall– here in L.A., that is, and I realize that it may be different elsewhere– was by members of street gangs in reference to fellow members.
The word was linked strongly enough with the rest of gangbanger accessorizing– the colors, the hand signs, the tags, the cars, the whole tiresome schtick– that a common response a couple of decades ago to “what’s up, homeboy? [or homey, homie, homes, or just home]” was “Well, first, I ain’t your homeboy.”
And it was usually the younger gangbanger wannabes grinding it into the dust through overuse, making it even more tiresome, so my response to the “Bush is My Homie” sentiment isn’t so much shock & awe as it is rolled eyes, and a hearty “sure, pendejo, whatever, guess you’ll wanna go tag a bus bench or something now to declare your teenage mutant ninja love; buh-bye.”
Pathetic little shits in search of identity…
s.z. writes: Admittedly, my eyes are blurry due to lack of sleep, but when I looked at that image of the T-shirt, I thought it said “Bush Is My Homo.”
Not as far off as you might think. One of the sillier etymologies suggested for “homeboy”– on a page raging about the blasphemy inherent in a “Jesus is My Homeboy” t-shirt– was this:
[My son says] that the original meaning of “Homeboy” came from quite a few years ago. It was used by sodomites who were living together. It did NOT originate from the Black community, and it is not related to the word “homie.” A homeboy was originally the partner of the sodomite couple who stayed home and kept the house and did not go to work.
Okay, glad we cleared that up. Elsewhere, I found this very academic guess (ivory tower spoken here!):
Word: homie
Syllabification: HO-mee
Part of Speech: n.
Etymology: [Latin “hominis” (man); possibly via French homme; more probably via Spanish hombre.]
Definition: A term used to refer to each other (used mostly by gangsters, skaters, etc.). Example: “Yo, ‘sup, homie?”
And lastly, this from a slang dictionary apparently composed by an Arthur Conan Doyle fan, which left me rolling on the floor:
Holmes: A term of address for a male friend.
Example: What’s up, Holmes?
They hide their children?s eyes
Perhaps he should have worn pants with that shirt. BTW, I was there and it wasn’t “Shock and Awe” it was shock and “Aaawww, it’s just like a penis only smaller”.
“Holmes: A term of address for a male friend.
Example: What’s up, Holmes?”
Hey, maybe there’s more to this Holmes/Bush link. Holmes abused coccaine to dull his senses, because his brain was constantly working ten steps ahead of him — just like Bush, right?
And by the way, the “Bush Is My Homie” slogan should have been printed on a Hyper-Color shirt; at least then it would be era-appropriate. The last time I heard someone use the word “homie” had to be 1994.
Holmes abused cocaine to dull his senses, because his brain was constantly working ten steps ahead of him?
Always wondered about this:
Although Holmes, breezily enough, describes the contents of his trusty hypo to Watson one day as cocaine (and don’t forget that coke was legal, even for recreational use, in Holmes’ day), Watson elsewhere describes the drowsiness produced by the drug.
Uh, “drowsiness” is most definitely not the first word that comes to mind when contemplating the effects of the drug.
Thus I deduce that Holmes, like so many before and after him, was lying to his best and only friend, Watson, about the drugs he was doing.
And a Holmes joke to lighten the spirits after that:
Holmes and Watson have gone camping, and after pitching a tent, they enjoy a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, and then go to sleep.
Holmes awakens in the night, and nudging Watson awake, says, “look up at the stars, old fellow, and tell me what you deduce.”
The Doctor replies, “I see millions of stars, and if even a few of them have planets, it is quite likely that there are some planets like Earth, capable of sustaining life much like our own. Thus, we may not be alone in the universe.”
Holmes patiently responds, “Quite so, Watson, but more to the point, someone has stolen our tent.”
Probably too tardy to get anyone else’s reaction, but did anyone else see the French flag in that t-shirt? It was my first reaction; “huh, that looks like the French flag.”
Which is curious given how much Bush supporters feel the need to assert their superiority over the French.
Good one, James.
No, didn’t notice but of course it’s so obvious now that you’ve pointed it out.
I believe “homie” is still in wide usage among the kids, viz. 50 cent ca. 2002: “Damn, homie, in high school you was the man, homie/the fuck happened to you? I got the sickest vendetta when it comes to the chedda”. Come to think of it, Bush the preznit could be described as having the sickest vendetta when it comes to his material earnings as well.
Since the people of Sodom didn’t speak English, it is quite unlikely “homeboy” could possibly have such an origin, Chris V.
The Holmes & Watson camping story is one of the funniest clean jokes I’ve heard in a while.
You people have a little bit too much time on your hands.
your mum
Good post but you should get rid of all your spam comments.
Amber needs to visit adult friend finder for her objectivist sex evolution.surprised she didn’t talk to you about starting an objectivist religion.
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