So The Liberal Avenger starts snapping on Jeff ‘Protein Wisdom’ Goldstein in Goldstein’s comments.
Shorter Jeff Goldstein:
“I don’t care if GEORGE W BUSH says that we’ve lost the war – victory is ours, goddamnit!â€?
And then he does another.
More shorter Goldstein:
“The Samarra bombing was a major event, but it doesn’t count because al-Qaeda was responsible for it.�
Then a third one.
More Shorter JG:
“Aside from the foreign-run insurgency and al-Qaeda’s role in Iraq, we’ve already won!�
And then Goldstein is all like, “Oooh!” and shakes his fists and grabs his hat off and jumps up and down on it, and goes:
Shorter “Liberal Avenger�: “Burn Iraq! Pushing for a civil war will teach us the lesson of our imperial arrogance—and so therefore, I am FOR IT! GORE IN ‘08! Oh, and DON’T YOU DARE QUESTION MY PATRIOTISM!�
Dear Jeff Goldstein,
The ‘shorter’ concept was invented in early 2003 by Daniel Davies (now of Crooked Timber), as a way to make fun of long-winded right-blogger Stephen Den Beste. Today, the acknowledged master of the form is Elton Beard of Busy Busy Busy, but the ‘shorter’ is also used by countless other left-bloggers, almost exclusively against targets (such as yourself) on the right. I am not aware of a prior attempt by a right-blogger to use this technique. I certainly welcome you to it, and hope that you can benefit from my (admittedly limited) experience.
Those who attempt to do a ‘shorter’ for the first time quickly learn that the form is much harder than it looks! The object is to distill a twisty, mendacious right-wing argument into a single brief passage that manages both to accurately portray the thoughts and sentiments of the victim, and to highlight the argument’s absurdity. Many hints and insights are embedded in Daniel Davies’s original ‘Shorter Stephen Den Beste’ series, the beginning of which is here.
In my judgment, the following is one of best ‘shorters’ ever written. It’s a 2005 composition by Elton Beard that shares a quality with many other great works of art in that any attempt to describe its appeal must ultimately fall short in the face of the work itself: Its appeal is imminent, yet elusive; its economy not unlike that of Haiku. Much more is revealed than is said. I find myself returning to it again and again, nearly always discovering qualities in it that before had escaped notice.
Shorter Kenneth M. Pollack:
Five Ways to Win Back IraqI have some more advice to give about Iraq.
Now, I don’t even know who Kenneth M. Pollack is. That’s the beauty of it: His column becomes a mere footnote to the main work, a near-irrelevancy, for it’s impossible to experience him in this way and not to know him more deeply than his own words would allow. Here we see Pollack in apotheosis — we see all the Pollacks, the multiple incarnations of ever-opining, oddly misinformed, media-enabled Pollackitude past, present, and to come. Always talking, these Pollacks! Even after it should be clear that nobody in power is listening. This is evoked gesturally, algebraically. The economy is architectonic.
I hope you find the above example as rich in inspiration as I do, Jeff, because I’m trying to use it to clearly preface what I’d have to call a basic criticism of your first attempt at the ‘shorter’ form. I’ll reproduce it again.
Shorter “Liberal Avenger�: “Burn Iraq! Pushing for a civil war will teach us the lesson of our imperial arrogance—and so therefore, I am FOR IT! GORE IN ‘08! Oh, and DON’T YOU DARE QUESTION MY PATRIOTISM!�
See, it’s really pretty much a foundational rule that a ‘shorter’ should be less long than the thing it’s supposed to be making fun of. Otherwise, I guess it would probably be called something else — like maybe a ‘longer.’
Here, I’ll do one for you.
Shorter Jeff Goldstein:
YOUR MAMA’S SO UGLY [droning voice, snores, crickets] AL GORE!
(Den) Best(e) Wishes,
-G.M.
