Sadly, No!

…with our evil twin blog?

Something is wrong with US. Bull shit! It’s the big LIE of feminsim. […] I am proud of my body. I have never had any plastic surgery and never will. I am proud of my imperfections. My boobs are not huge but they are real; my vagina isn’t a cherry but it’s quite capable to bringing a man to the best orgasm he’s ever had (because I know how to use IT right LOL) and it serves me extremely well when it comes to my own orgasms.

Eek.

That’s just the opposite of what we were thinking about.

Investigations continue in the Claude/Floyd Allen ‘evil twin’ case, which has so far baffled authorities.

If only there were some way to tell which one is the thief…

Previously, Claude Allen’s role as facilitator of the Bush Administration’s faith-based initiatives left those programs open for the sadly unused nickname, ‘The Allen-Parsons Project.”

Bradrocket adds: Unwelcome, Michelle Malkin readers!

Okay, yes. We’re getting off this thread of discourse momentarily, and I certainly have Cobb Award nominations to post as well as a whole lot of other things, and this and that and whatever.

But let me just warm up this cup of tea here, because I quit drinking as you know, and WHOOOAH! HOLY JEEZ! [drops teacup]

GADS! Wait. [rubbing eyes] Whew. No, that’s not double Claude Allens at all. It’s Claude Allen and his identical twin brother, Floyd.

From NPR’s All Things Considered, wherein Michale Norris interviews Washington Post reporter Michael Fletcher:

Hmm. They’re not going to try to float the old ‘identical twin’ plot, are they? That’s almost as bad as the old ‘got hit on the head with a coconut and had amnesia’ plot, or the one where everyone thinks it’s a ghost but it’s really the old caretaker in a Captain Kidd hat with flour all over him.

No, they wouldn’t do that, would they? That’s the eternal question of the present administration: Sure, they did this-and-this-and-this-and-this — but they wouldn’t do that, would they?

From this morning’s Times, again courtesy Josh:

There certainly seems to be the sculpting of a narrative there. Except, as Pinko Punko notices, Floyd would have to have been using Claude’s IDs and credit cards the whole time.

Only one team of detectives can get to the bottom of this one.

Bonus Pinko: I would want Dave Chappelle to do it. He’d have two African-Americans in the skit, completely not related, and Bush wouldn’t be able to tell them apart, and he’d be all “our plan can’t fail!!!!!’

[Also see Julia.]

Here’s my theory. Floyd started impersonating Claude and sneakily got a job in the White House, while poor Claude was forced to resort to retail fraud….

This is almost a gyp, man.

I’d been worried about having a chronic alcoholism problem, and had been reading a lot of scary literature and case studies on this wonderful Internet that we all love so well. My routine for years has been to get ensconced at the computer, or at a party, or at many such occasions of various mood, and have a drink every hour or so — which adds up to a whopping lot of alcohol when you actually total it. A few hair-raising calculations on a Post-It note showed that I was having an average of nine drinks a day. And, of course, the literature is full of appalling descriptions of what happens to people with consumption levels like that, either if they keep at it, or if and when they try no longer to drink with such dilgence. The lists of withdrawal symptoms are quite sobering, as it were.

So. I had some dental problems last week, and I sort of forgot to drink alcohol for a few days.

And I’m like, drinking tea.

And I feel like doing push-ups or going for a run.

Now, this got so puzzling earlier today (because I’m thinking: What do I have to do to be an alcoholic, for goodness sake, if heavy drinking over a period of years doesn’t cut it?) that I decided to stick my head right into the alligator’s mouth and meter out an exact clinical dose equivalent to ‘one drink’ (containing 0.6 ounces of ethyl alcohol) and then drink it to see what happened. I stared at it for awhile. I made excuses to do laundry and clean the cat box.

The way these stories are supposed to end is that the alcoholic falls immediately back into his old pattern and pours another one, still kidding himself that he’s doing it for science. What happened was that I felt vaguely warm and pleasant, and then finished the laundry and made a pot of tea, and about an hour later I felt vaguely unpleasant and cranky — and an hour after that, I felt like doing push-ups or going for a run.

Right. So according to my schedule here, I should be pretty much at the peak of withdrawal symptoms this evening, howling for the bottle of Chinese cooking wine in the cabinet, yet instead I am led to conclude — and please help me here because I’m quite possibly missing something — that medical science in its entirety is all a lot of crackpot made-up stuff that isn’t true and is wrong.

As further evidence, I discovered yesterday that if you get into a car accident in or near Billings, Montana these days, the doctor who meets your gurney in the ER is Deniz Tek, guitarist of Radio Birdman. (See below). The band was more-or-less based out of a medical school in Sydney.

This all fits together into a Grand Theory of something; I’m not sure what or how just yet.

Update: Token astringent comment from one Mickey Finn: So you weere OK after a couple hours? Well, that settles that! You’re fine. Alcoholism, smalcoholism. Drink up Shriner!

Hey man, I’m drinking tea and I like it.

…I watched The 40-Year-Old Virgin last night. It’s one of the funniest comedies I’ve seen in a long time. The main character reminds me of Ben Shapiro if he were likable.

UPDATE: Oh, I forgot to mention that until I watched The 40.YO.V., I’d mercifully never heard of the Cincinnati Bow Tie. My friend and I were debating whether it’s something that people actually do, or whether it’s something some dumb-ass frat boy thought of after he downed a 12-pack of Natty Ice. I can’t imagine anybody willingly consenting to being “bow-tied,” so I gotta ask… does anybody out there know anyone who’s, like, done it before? (And no, I’m not trying to pick someone up for the purpose of Cincinnati Bow-Tying them, so get that filthy thought out of your heads! I’m seriously curious- do people actually do shit like this?)

UPDATE II: And yes, I know I’ve reached a new, new, new low by asking my readers to tell me if they know anyone who’s been Cincinnati Bow-Tied before. If I could feel shame… well, I’d be pretty damn ashamed. But I can’t. So I’m not.

Yes, it turns out that those wacky homosexuals are trying to convert everyone to gayness again. Lucky for us, the American Familiy Association is on the case:

Activist: Gay Straight Clubs About Promotion, Not Protection

By Jim Brown
March 13, 2006

(AgapePress) – A pro-family advocate says leaders of Gay Straight Alliance clubs in schools falsely claim their main focus is fighting discrimination. She contends those clubs are more concerned about getting young people involved in homosexuality.

Goddammit, now I really regret not joining the gay-straight alliance when I was in high school. I coulda totally scoped out all the hot chicks macking it at the meetings.

Above: A typical scene from a gay-straight alliance meeting.

Last week a private high school in Santa Monica, California, held a “Free Queer Movie Night” that was sponsored by its Gay Straight Alliance club. At the event, the GSA screened a sexually explicit film about a lesbian relationship involving a German Jew and a Nazi sympathizer during World War II.

Wait, and this film is supposed to be promoting homosexuality? It sounds freaking terrifying! You’d have better luck using Friday the 13th to encourage horny teens to go camping.
Read the rest of this entry »

Everyone’s doing their last-minute, no-foolin’ begging for votes in the Koufax Awards, because the voting closes on Sunday night. It threatens to draw attention away from the Cobb Awards.

I mean, we could send the evil cat minions over, but…

Ok, wait. Hey, Brad… If a bunch of people go vote for us, do we thankfully not send the evil death kitties to attack the Koufax Awards — or do we then gratuitously and unforgivably send the evil death kitties to attack, etc.?

While we’re, you know, talking, why is it that everyone seems to like Brad best? I’m the one who starts all the really crazy trouble around here, pretty much, with the police and lawsuits and putting pictures of wingnuts on J-Date and all that. …Nah, never mind — I’m just having one of those nobody-understands-me evenings. Maybe I should make a pot of herbal tea and snuggle up with some Joni Mitchell. In a big pair of Peter Rabbit feety-pajamas.

Say, shockingly, at the moment we have no votes at all for Best Writing. Who would nominate a blog for Best Writing, and then not even vote for it? The world is indeed ever-wide and scintillious, and full of it was you, wasn’t it Yosef? new things.

Those fricking Podeans. So against them.

Text to follow, plus maybe a couple more kangavids below the fold. The Radio Birdman is a super-rare clip that’s never been seen much in habitable countries or Canada.

Radio Birdman – ‘Aloha Steve and Danno’ (3:18)

The Chills – ‘Pink Frost’ (4:11)

The Saints – ‘This Perfect Day’ (1:58)

Over at Bonzo’s Crotchlings, Ryan Walsh writes:

What do we do with the testimony of this man? Is he a liar, lunatic, or truth-teller? A question with which everyone, including the folks at World O’Crap, must wrestle.

Mr. Walsh is referring to the testimony of Georges Sada, a former Iraqi general who claims that Saddam moved all of his WMD stockpiles to Syria prior to the American invasion.

For the record, I think Sada is probably a lunatic, just like Bill Tierney. If you’ll remember, Sada was the guy who claimed that Saddam had all his WMDs shipped out in “yellow barrels with skull and crossbones on each barrel.” (To which Gavin wittily replied, “Then on the Syrian side, government agents gave the Republican Guard big sacks marked ‘$,’ and everyone drank from a clay jug with ‘XXX’ on it.”)

But let’s say, for the sake of argument, that everything Sada is saying is true. This would mean that we took chemical and biological weapons away from Saddam Hussein and handed them to state sponsors of Hezbollah.

Does this strike you as a particularly wise policy, Mr. Walsh?

Glenn Reynolds cites Powerline citing Daniel Pipes (with Sharon Chadha), and with that kind of set-up, you just know there’s going to be a punchline at the end.

March 10, 2006

MORE BAD PRESS FOR [The Council on American-Islamic Relations], which gets better press than it deserves usually. This, for example, is kind of embarrassing: “Perhaps the most obvious problem with CAIR is the fact that at least five of its employees and board members have been arrested, convicted, deported, or otherwise linked to terrorism-related charges and activities.”

Let’s note the broadness of a statement that begins with ‘arrested’ and ‘convicted,’ then goes to ‘deported’ and ‘otherwise linked,’ before ending at ‘[terrorism-related] activities.’ It should raise a red flag for anyone with basic math skills, because five is sort of a small number of people to require such a branching tree of qualifiers. A person would probably want to go to the original article to look at the claims one by one (some are damning, others are fishy like a McFishwich). But Glenn is moving fast:

A right-wing group similarly linked to, say, white-supremacist criminals, would never hear the end of it. And it would never, ever, be mentioned in the media without that fact being brought up.

posted at 11:24 AM by Glenn Reynolds

Hey look, it’s the Great Gazoogle.

Zeerp! “Hello, dum –dum.”

Also see here and here and here and here, etc.