Sadly, No!

I’m either getting a lot better or a lot worse at distilling l’essence du wingnut.

Or maybe, as the general public turns away from Republicans but their base urges them to lift up their voices and sing louder, their message has begun to coalesce and take on an eerie hum — something approaching close harmony. Either way, instead of running down each and every Wednesday column — which is tiresome for both the writer and his readers — I’ve whittled and molded them all into one, sleek message that sings like the Louvin Brothers.

Shorter Everyone at Townhall: Perhaps a GOP midterm loss would be a blessing in disguise, because we could position the party even further to the right before gearing up for one final push in 2008.

Today’s conservatives feel betrated by their party. Lawmakers have insufficiently addressed the swarming brown hordes that pour across our borders, traitors in the media go unpunished, decent Christian legislators are being brought down by politically motivated prosecutions, and lawmakers have insufficiently addressed the swarming brown hordes that pour across our borders. It’s gotten to the point where Democrats don’t even flinch reflexively every time a Republican looks at them. The conservative base is growing agitated but, fortunately, a song has been recorded to soothe the savage beast. (No, not the Right Brothers. This is a metaphorical song.) Let’s head over to the mixing board and strip away each track, voice by voice, to better appreciate this harmonic convergence.
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Posted in lieu of an actual post to funnel the Firedoglake crowd into something approximating a normal episode in this, you know, crazy student flat that we share without ever going to class and all that whole thing, with the exploding doorbell and the hamster.

Although come to think of it, people seem to like this one a lot lately.

Jesus Christ. They’re going to do it again, aren’t they?

Iran, defying United Nations Security Council demands to halt its nuclear program, may be capable of making a nuclear bomb within 16 days, a U.S. State Department official said.

Iran will move to “industrial scale” uranium enrichment involving 54,000 centrifuges at its Natanz plant, the Associated Press quoted deputy nuclear chief Mohammad Saeedi as telling state-run television today.

“Using those 50,000 centrifuges they could produce enough highly enriched uranium for a nuclear weapon in 16 days,” Stephen Rademaker, U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for International Security and Nonproliferation, told reporters today in Moscow.

OK, press corps. We need your help. We need you to critically evaluate these claims. For fuck’s sake, the fate of the country depends on it. Do your fucking jobs.

Can’t get enough from The Rant, can’t get enough Shorters…. go!

Shorter JB Williams — Two Birds…One Stone!

Dont’ know much about economics. Don’t know much about mathematics.

Shorter Mark Silverberg — Lessons Not Learned

The problem with Israelis is that they don’t appreciate the dangers posed by terrorists.

Shorter Joe Stener — Hillary for Senate

I understand even less about polls than Sarah from Trying to Grok.

Think that can’t be? Watch out:

Being a razor-sharp politician, Hillary is aware of the fact that the name Clinton is popular only in newspaper polls[.]

Shorter Jane Jimenez — How’s It Working for You?

Dr. Phil is fat.

Bonus — Actual Kerry “L” Marsala quote:

Welcome To Right 2 Think~ Article Archive Site for Kerry L Marsala *No article may be reprinted with permission from the staff publisher of Right 2 Think.

And that’s just our opinion!

Sun-Myung Moon — everybody knows one,
Sun-Myung Moon — it’s best to presuppose one.

Me and you,
Are subject to,
This foo’ now and then.

‘Cause when you make Forellenmousse, aha!
There ain’t no doubt, my friend,
He’s in your trout, my friend.

‘At long last,’ wow. They’ve crossed the final inch of the ultimate line. Yesterday some decency, today no more. That’s certainly a funny item over at Michelle’s place. It looks like she’s stopped shrieking about the Hispanic menace since…whoops, I spoke too soon.

Anyway, interestingly, it’s a new ‘outrage’ drummed up by Wayne Perryman, the guy who’s trying to sue the Democratic Party for slavery reparations, and the author of the classic tome, Unfounded Loyalty.

Rev. Perryman

Yeah, that Rev. Perryman — the favorite black clergyman of the conservative race-baiting set. And what titanic outrage has liberalism supposedly committed this time? It goes a little something like…

Right. Aiee. Oh-em-eff-gee, three exclamation points. At long last, etc. Now, how many of these liberal-professor/details-unclear ‘final exam’ stories have turned out to be factual? In any case, this shows why no one with a brain is fooled when Michelle Malkin, John Hinderaker, and the rest of the WingNet bigots flap their arms and yell about liberal secret double-standard racist liberal in bla bla yonk ah-oogah. Because while it might be true under some circumstances that if someone, as Perryman says, “used this same problem and substituted Condoleezza’s name with Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton, there would be mass protest” (which is what Malkin, et al. are really interested in attacking, using the switcharound tactic they love so well, and using Perryman to enable it) it’s also the case that if somebody were to make a crack like,

Oreo Math:

Wayne Perryman holds a gigantic, humungous Oreo cookie with Double Stuf just over the edge of the roof of the 300-foot Joel Chandler Harris Building, and tosses it up with a velocity of 20 feet per second while singing “Shoo Fly, Don’t Bother Me (‘Cause I Belong to Somebody).” The height of the Oreo above the ground t seconds later is given by formula h= -16t2 + 20t + 300.

a. How many seconds will it take to pass him (he is at a height of 300 feet) on the way down?
b. When will Wayne Perryman hit bottom?

…there would not be mass protest.

* Will the war on Christmas never cease?

Liberty, Equality, Mediocrity (Krauthammer’s version):

Look! Counter-revolutionary riots in France, to which the previous French rioting, mostly by Muslims, is even preferable.

Liberty, Equality, Mediocrity (Krauthammer’s neurotic subconscious version):

How I despise people who want a comfortable society! Taking the adventures of poverty and failure out of capitalism spoils all the fun! Also, I’m particularly proud of using such smooth euphemisms as “vibrancy” and “dynamism.”

Or

“Liberty” of the economic sort trumps “equality'” and “fraternity” (of all sorts) every time; and China’s heirarchy of societal values is preferable to France’s.

Retardo Montalban, who formerly practiced psychiatry, is an op-ed columnist for sadlyno.com.

It’s a sad, sad day for wingnuttery. One of their champions has fallen:

Newt Gingrich, the former Republican Speaker of the House, told students and faculty at the University of South Dakota Monday that the United States should pull out of Iraq and leave a small force there, just as it did post-war in Korea and Germany.

“It was an enormous mistake for us to try to occupy that country after June of 2003,” Gingrich said during a question-and-answer session at the school. “We have to pull back, and we have to recognize it.”

George Will. Bill Buckley. And now Newt Gingrich. How many more wingnut ex-heroes have to cave before people finally get the message?

Teh Chazmo (emphasis added, via LGF Watch):

The anti-LGF lefty smear machine is kicking into gear again. Firedoglake says I’m a racist, and all my readers are racists, and by extension all “conservatives� are racists too.

Not all conservatives- just you and the people who post at your site.

Or calling for nuclear genocide against the entire Islamic world, which is not just racist, but insane.

You don’t need to cherry pick- here’s a sample of insane/racist comments that Iron Fist posted in the last week alone:

One:

Oh, I think they are the ones who will ultimately regret that. You see, 12 million illegals against 200 million Armed citizens, well, do the math.

And Muslims need to be even more circumspect. You may have noticed that, while the CAIR-bears whined about the Dread Cartoons of Blasphemy, the Muslims didn’t take to the streets rioting over them in America.

There’s a reason for that.

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Here’s a fun game: let’s make a list of everybody Michelle Malkin hates. It’s gonna be extremely long, and I suspect this thread will go on for a few days at least. Por favor, provide links to relevant hate-mongering. I’ll give some examples to start you off:

1.) Autum Ashante, a 7-year-old girl who writes black nationalist poetry.

2.) Hillary Clinton for suggesting that the government should do a better job of providing armor to our troops.

3.) The entire Islamic faith for not being a peaceful religion.

4.) The New York City school system for teaching kids how to resolve their conflicts non-violently. Apparently, Michelle thinks we should arm our (white) seven-year-olds with automatic weapons.

5.) Newsweek, Amnesty International, Jimmy Carter, Dick Durbin, John McCain and Lindsay Graham for opposing torture at Guantanamo Bay.

6.) Barbara Walters for saying something she never actually said.

7.) The people who designed the World Trade Center Memorial, because they paid tribute to Martin Luther King.

8.) Christina Ricci for being crazy.

9.) Hollywood, for not demonizing Muslims enough in their movies.

10.) Wonkette and Jessica Cutler for being “skanks.”

11.) Latino McDonald’s employees who don’t greet Michelle with the proper enthusiasm. Also, Wal-Mart employees who are rude to Michelle, and are black.

OK, that’s just the start. Keep the list going in the comments, and be sure to provide links!