Sadly, No!

You gotta be shitting me:

Glen Bolger, Republican pollster: “It’s never helpful to be dismissive of whole chunks of America — rural religious voters, gun supporters, and the entire ‘flyover’ country. Obama has become part of the Kerry wing of the Democratic Party — the beautiful people who know what’s best for the rest of us.

Above: Owns an electric tie rack

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And who the fuck is Glen Bolger, you ask? Why, he’s this guy:

Glen Bolger is one of the Republican Party’s leading political strategists and pollsters. He is a partner and co-founder of Public Opinion Strategies, a national political and public affairs survey research firm whose clients include leading political figures, Fortune 500 companies, and major associations. Public Opinion Strategies has 20 U.S. Senators, eight governors, and more than 50 Members of Congress as clients. […]

Glen’s corporate polling experience includes crisis management polling for some of the top issues in recent years, as well as image and message work for major clients such as Wal-Mart, Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Florida, Tyson Foods, BNSF Railway, Intuit (the makers of Quicken), and numerous other Fortune 500 companies.

Prior to co-founding Public Opinion Strategies, Glen was the Director of Survey Research & Analysis for the National Republican Congressional Committee, the political arm of the House Republican Caucus.

God, does he sound like he’s in touch with the common man!

Call me a liberal elitist if you must, but the fact that corporate fat cats get to pass themselves off in the press as blue-collar salt-of-the-Earthers just goes to show how fucked up this country really is.

UPDATE: Sadly, Mark Ames’ utterly brilliant political analysis of American public discourse is still devastatingly relevant:

The left struggles to understand why so many non-millionaire Americans vote Republican, and yet they rarely ask themselves why so many millionaires, particularly the most beautiful and privileged millionaires in Manhattan and Los Angeles, vote for the Democrats.

I can answer both. Rich, beautiful, coastal types are liberal precisely because their lives are so wonderful. They want to preserve their lives exactly as they are. If I were a rich movie star, I’d vote for peace and poverty relief. War and domestic insurrection are the greatest threats to their already-perfect lives—why mess with it? This rational fear of the peasantry is frequently misinterpreted as rich guilt, but that’s not the case. They just want to pay off all the have-nots to keep them from storming their manors and impaling them on stakes.

Republican elites don’t set off the spite glands in the same way, and it’s not only because of a sinister right-wing propaganda machine. Take a look at a photo of the late billionaire Sam Walton, a dried-out Calvinist in a baseball cap and business suit, and you’ll see why. If Republican billionaires enjoy their wealth, they sure as hell hide it well. As far as one can tell, Republican billionaires genuinely like working 18-hour days in offices. Their idea of having fun is a day on the golf green (a game as slow and frustrating as a day in the office) or attending conferences with other sleazy, cheerless Calvinist billionaires. If that’s what all their wealth got them, let ’em have it—so says the spite bloc. This explains why the Republican elite—the only true and all-powerful elite in America today—is not considered an “elitist” class in the spleens of the white male have-nots.

I wish this guy would write about our country more often. He’s so, so right. Also, he calls the Bush presidency “Inspector Clouseau meets the Book of Revelations,” which is about an apt description as you’ll ever see.

ABOVE: Saw limited service in the war
for Tom Wolfe’s suits

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In the course of a 900-page Jeremiad about Hillary Clinton’s whoopsie-doodle about Bosnia, DINO/sci-fi hack/homophobe Orson Scott Card draws this fascinating comparison about the war records of several famous politicians:

You can hate Joe McCarthy for many reasons, but it’s flat-out ugly that his enemies attacked his war record so savagely and effectively that the story reached a little kid like I was when I heard it.

He was a true soldier, a volunteer who didn’t have to fight; he undertook extremely dangerous work (tailgunner was not a safe place to be in a bomber during combat) and contributed to our struggle against imperial Japan.

Remember this point: Tailgunner Joe McCarthy, who falsely claimed to have been wounded in combat, wrote his own military commendations and falsely claimed they were given to him by his superiors, and fabricated his military history in order to receive a medal for which he was unqualified was in fact a real war hero, and it was wrong wrong wrong for the dirty lying Democrats to make an innocent little kid like young Orson doubt this great man’s war record.

Moving on:

Why do I bring this up? Because a genuine war record is a tremendous asset to any candidate for public office. Look how George W. Bush was vilified for not having been serious enough about his limited military duties during the Vietnam War.

I guess “limited military duties during the Vietnam War” is a technically accurate way to describe what George W. Bush did in the late 1960s. A better way to describe it would be “no military duties during the Vietnam War”, but hey, Orson’s the professional novel-writin’ guy, not me. Of course, Orson himself, like Dick Cheney, also had “limited military duties during the Vietnam War”, having been otherwise occupied converting the heathen savages of Brazil to the true faith of Tailgunner Joe Smith. And, by the same token, I saw “limited military duties during the Vietnam War”, consisting largely of exploring the interior of my mother’s amniotic sac. It was a lot like Bush’s stint in the Air National Guard, but with less blow.

And look how John Kerry, despite his treasonous slanders about the behavior of his fellow soldiers during Vietnam, was able to wrap himself in the mantle of his having been a wounded veteran. And even now, there are those who treat the accusations of the “Swift Boat Veterans” as slander, because war records are sacred.

So, let’s recap: George W. Bush, who spent the Vietnam War drinking tequila shooters at Puddy’s Stumble On Inn, was “vilified” for his “limited military duties”, and barely even won his second term as President of the United States thanks to the lies of the liberal media. Whereas John Kerry, who told “treasonous slanders” about his fellow soldiers (I’m pretty sure that ‘slander’ means ‘not true’, which would disqualify Kerry’s accusations, but again, Orson’s the highly paid famous writer guy, not me), was able to “wrap himself in the mantle of his haing been a wounded veteran” and came terrifyingly close to not losing the election. If it were not for the noble efforts of the Swift Boat vets (which some people are crass enough to categorize as slander, albeit a different kind of slander than John Kerry’s atrocity claims insofar as they were actually untrue), he might be the leader of the free world today.

Orson does not find it necessary to condemn as flat-out ugly the savage and effective attacking of Kerry’s war record the way he does Joe McCarthy’s, even though the charges against Tailgunner Joe were truthful and well documented and the ones against Kerry were the opposite of that. The reason for that is HEY LOOK EVERYONE HILLARY IS A LIAR AL GORE SAYS HE INVENTED THE INTERNETS AND UH OH RIGHT 9/11 GAY CONSPIRACY!

Today we have a candidate for President of the United States who claimed to have been under fire in a combat zone — and the claim is obviously and demonstrably false. If the candidate had been a Republican, the press would have been hounding him constantly about such a lie, and pious editorials and talk-show pundits all over the country would be condemning him for taking upon himself the mantle of our citizens in the military whose lives are on the line every day.

I have to admit, Orson’s got a point there. You hardly ever hear the press ripping into a Republican for lying about their war record. I wonder why that is.

ABOVE: A face only a raccoon could love

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As if there weren’t enough reasons already to throw up a little in your mouth when you see or hear Kevin “Musclehead” McCullough, let me add another to the list. Or rather let Kevie add it himself:

The big O is dedicating an entire upcoming show to her now month long deceased cocker spaniel, Sophie. … Actually the episode is intended to highlight the horrific stories of those haunting places known as “puppy mills.” The justification for such excess is because “Sophie gave me 13 years of unconditional love.” …

Now before all you whacky dog lovers go hatin’ on me understand this. I’ve had multiple dogs over my life and seeing them die was terrible each time. But can we please begin to see dogs for what they are. Stupid Creatures… Soulless creatures… Creatures that were designed for our companionship and enjoyment – BUT NOT fulfillment!

That’s why God gave us CHILDREN.

But that was just the wind-up for the inevitable wingnut curve ball, which you probably saw coming:

It HAS to be a sign of a morally confused nation when we love our pets MORE than we love our children!

So I’m still waiting for Oprah to do a show-long story dedicated to the horrific and haunting “baby-mills” of this land…

Me too:

Gavin adds: And golly, it’s never just one thing with these folks, is it? No, it’s always the whole pastrami on rye with a side of curly cheese fries:

Arrows for the War

[…]

All four mothers are devoted to a way of life New York Times columnist David Brooks has praised as a new spiritual movement taking hold among exurban and Sunbelt families. Brooks called these parents “natalists” and described their progeny as a new wave of “Red-Diaper Babies”–as in “red state.”

[…]

“Our bodies are meant to be a living sacrifice,” write the Hesses. Or, as Mary Pride, in another of the movement’s founding texts, The Way Home: Beyond Feminism, Back to Reality, puts it, “My body is not my own.” This rebuttal of the feminist health text Our Bodies, Ourselves is deliberate. Quiverfull women are more than mothers. They’re domestic warriors in the battle against what they see as forty years of destruction wrought by women’s liberation: contraception, women’s careers, abortion, divorce, homosexuality and child abuse, in that order.

[…]

Population is a preoccupation for many Quiverfull believers, who trade statistics on the falling white birthrate in European countries like Germany and France. Every ethnic conflict becomes evidence for their worldview: Muslim riots in France, Latino immigration in California, Sharia law in Canada. The motivations aren’t always racist, but the subtext of “race suicide” is often there.

One hidden benefit is a rising market for Beanie Babies, Kevin Trudeau products, Great Starts frozen breakfasts, Brooks & Dunn and Leann Rimes greatest-hits collections, and stickers of Calvin urinating on various automotive logos.

Above: April 3 raid on fundamentalist Mormon compound

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Also, someone please direct ol’ Baby-mill McCullough to a freaking TV or newspaper.

Child welfare officials seized more than 400 children, most of them girls, in the raid on the FLDS compound known as the Yearn for Zion ranch, saying the youngsters were in danger of physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

The renegade Mormon splinter group requires girls at puberty to enter into polygamous marriages with much older men and produce children, authorities say. The sect also teaches children to fear the outside world, including the very authorities who removed them until a court hearing Thursday that will help determine their future.

Above: Unaltered photo

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Mickey Kaus:

The always-suspect Michael Lind nevertheless sends around a useful commentary on Obama’s gruesomely off-key condscension toward downscale Rustbelt voters:

According to Obama, working class (white) people “cling to guns” because they are bitter at losing their manufacturing jobs.

Excuse me? Hunting is part of working-class American culture. Does Obama really think that working-class whites in Pennsylvania were gun control liberals until their industries were downsized, whereas they all rushed to join the NRA …

I used to think working class voters had conservative values because they were bitter about their economic circumstances–welfare and immigrants were “scapegoats,” part of the false consciousness that would disappear when everyone was guaranteed a good job at good wages. Then I left college. …

P.S.: Because Obama’s comments are clearly a Category II Kinsley Gaffe–in which the candidate accidentally says what he really thinks–it will be hard for Obama to explain away. [He could say he was tired and it was late at night?–ed But he was similarly condescending in his big, heartfelt, well-prepared “race speech.” Better to embrace them. Let’s have a national dialogue about egghead condescension!]

Here is a big giant virtual cup of cyber shut-the-fuck-up, Mickey Kaus. Seriously. Let’s deconstruct your bullshit, one half-digested goat-nard at a time:

1. The always-suspect Michael Lind …

Ha ha ha you serial hedger. You totally love Michael Lind, whoever the fuck that is, and yet attempt to create weaselly distance from him, you know, just. in. case. Well, we’re on to your flacky game, Mick.

2. Obama’s gruesomely off-key condscension toward downscale Rustbelt voters …

When you condescend to ‘downscale Rustbelt voters’ at least do your highly-paid, sinecured baby-job and spell ‘condescension’ correctly. You know, try to act like you’ve been to spell-check before on your Slate-issued laptop with all the bells and whistles and the networked enterprise edition of Microsoft Office, you unprofessional first-moving bandwidth squatter. If ‘downscale Rustbelt voters’ were as lax about their tool-and-die calibrations as you are about the basic building blocks of your fucking job, they’d all be one-armed poster children for OSHA. Oh, and BTW, here is a nice piping cup of hot steaming STFU for you, you unconscionable upscale Beltway goat-pole-smoker!

3. I used to think working class voters had conservative values because they were bitter about their economic circumstances–welfare and immigrants were “scapegoats,” part of the false consciousness that would disappear when everyone was guaranteed a good job at good wages. Then I left college. …

Fuck you, college boy. Have a generous portion of shut-the-fuck-up and park your preppie ass in vocational school metal shop, where our version of STFU comes in the form of white-hot flying metal shavings in your goat-blowing piehole.

4. P.S.: Because Obama’s comments are clearly a Category II Kinsley Gaffe–in which the candidate accidentally says what he really thinks–it will be hard for Obama to explain away. …

Explain away a clearly extemporaneous comment about fucked-over steel towns in Pennsylvania and their denizens’ mistrust of the system that passed them by on the road to Web 2.0 goat-blowing flack-tastic riches? Try our STFU IPA, now with goat-scented Ultra Head, for that deep down goaty thirst.

5. [He could say he was tired and it was late at night?–ed But he was similarly condescending in his big, heartfelt, well-prepared “race speech.” Better to embrace them. Let’s have a national dialogue about egghead condescension!] …

Mickey, or ‘ed’ or whatever — just say ‘Adlai Stevenson’. Your cleverer apparatchik brethren are already making the comparison, so stop being un-Rust-Beltly vague about it all. And STFU. And goat-blowing. All of it, you douche.

Where: Edinburgh Castle, 950 Geary St., San Francisco, CA 94109, (415) 885-4074

When: Friday, April 18, 2008

Who: Everybody who wants to meet up with S,N! and Three Bulls! regulars and their extensive, high-maintenance entourages

Password: The Gary Ruppert soars at dawn

Zeitgeist and the Starry Plough also got a lot of votes. Let’s keep the Starry Plough in mind for an East Bay S,N! drink-a-thon at a later date. And here’s the vote tally on meet-up locations as pulled interpretively out of comments on this thread:

10 votes: Edinburgh Castle, Zeitgeist (I tie-broke for the Castle, due to my mastery of alphabetical order)
6 votes: Starry Plough (Berkeley)
2 votes: Kilowatt
1 vote: Albatross, Half Moon Bay Brewing Co., Inner Mission, Jupiter, Mr. Bings, San Jose (the city), SF Brewing Co., Tommy’s Mexican, Toronado, Uptown, Zinc Bar

Above: Naturally, none of this has anything to do with the fact
that the US economy would collapse if China decided to stop
propping it up with massive treasury bond purchases

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Oh, Kevin Drum. You did not just write this:

China Bashing

[…]

In other words, [McCain’s call for an Olympic boycott] is just more of the same [old political bluster on China] — and frankly, if this season’s China bashing is limited to calls for Olympic boycotts we’ll have gotten off pretty easy. What’s more, if we are going to bash China, Darfur is a better topic than usual to bash them about. Unlike Tibet, which China will flatly never give in on, their behavior in Darfur is quite possibly malleable.

And who thought the Soviets would’ve ever let the Ukraine be sovereign? That’s the sorta can-do attitude I love to see, Kev!

UPDATE: And on a related note, there’s this:

The promise of a Colombia trade pact

[…]

Enter human rights. The Democrats also say they oppose the agreement because of the assassination of unionists in Colombia. It is a powerful argument, except for this: While the murder of even one union organizer is deplorable, the numbers being used are so misleading that they should not be cited in opposing the agreement.

All sides agree that the killings are dramatically down, and no one accuses the government of orchestrating them. By the unions’ own count, the killings dropped from a high of 275 in 1996 to 39 last year. The government says 26.

Yeesh, guys, some unknown orchestrator in Colombia is only killing dozens of union organizers! And let’s be honest, who hasn’t wanted to pop one of those self-righteous SOBs every now and then?

Remember, one of the alleged big benefits from promoting free trade with countries such as China was that it’d somehow, someway make them stop being oppressive assholes. Hasn’t worked out so well so far, has it?

UPDATE II: I neglected to mention that China is now in its Franco/Pinochet phase, which means that all human rights abuses are wicked kewl as long as they promote capitalism.

UPDATE III: Oh. My. God:

Obama’s Pro-Israel, Pro-Palestinian Positions

[…]

The way I see it: It’s true that Obama has been a supporter of Israel since becoming Senator and especially since running for President. But, as a state legislator in Illinois, he more often expressed his support for Palestinian rights and opposition to Israel’s militarism.

What will he do as President? Will he support one at the expense of the other or be committed to a two-state solution? Toss a coin, you have a 50% chance of being right.

You’re serious. Holy shit, you’re serious. You honestly believe that supporting Palestinian rights and opposing Israel’s military occupation of the West Bank and the Gaza Strip is somehow incompatible with a two-state solution? Jeralyn, sane people realized long, long ago that it’s impossible to have a two-state solution for the Israelis and Palestinians when the Israelis are using their military to defend illegal settlements in the West Bank.

Crikey, I feel like the whole world has gone insane.

Gavin adds: I’m totally using that argument for the Sox/Yankees series that starts tonight. “Will you support one team at the expense of the other,” I’ll ask fellow bar patrons, “Or be committed to a two-team series?” “How about I toss a coin,” I’ll say, “‘Cause I’ll have a 50% chance of being ack ugh people hitting me ow.”

Above: John “Chicken”
Hawkins

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Some Clowner has ’20 Questions for Barack Obama’:

* You’ve made unifying the American public and putting our political divisions behind us one of the central themes of your campaign. Yet, National Journal ranked you as the single most liberal senator in 2007. So, which liberal beliefs of yours are you willing to give up for unity’s sake?

* Along the same lines, John McCain has been behind numerous pieces of prominent bi-partisan legislation. So, if voters are looking for a candidate who can unify the country, wouldn’t he be a better choice than you?

Yadda-yadda-yadda, Barack Obama, have you stopped beating Michelle? And if so, why? Are you reluctant to beat other enemies of America? Floober kzankle flapjabble? Anyway, enough translating, let’s catch up with John Hawkins in mid-stream:

* In 2004, you said that you opposed the Defense of Marriage Act, which is designed to keep gay marriage from being imposed on the country by judicial fiat. Do you think the American people and their representatives should have a right to decide whether or not they want gay marriage in their states? If the answer is “yes,” how can you possibly square that with your opposition to the Defense of Marriage Act?

Indeed, &hehtera. The Defense of Marriage Act trumps the First Amendment. Every single time.

Above: McCullough more waxy than starchy

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Clicking through Hawkins’ link leads, via his own pre-gurgitation of the above point, to this post by radio howler Kevin McCullough, from whom we learn:

[Obama] may be more ‘gay’ than Clinton was ‘black’ – and by a wide margin at that.

Which, you know, Pie may be more ‘badger’ than Venn Diagram was ‘linguine,’ by a wide margin. And speaking of linguine, even when disinterestedly boiled by Megan McArdle, it generally sticks to the wall longer than McCullough’s attempt to Swish-Boat Obama. Bowling and cheesesteaks, please, Kevin. Stick to the script.

Meanwhile, McCullough’s column leads to his own Clownhall blog, The Musclehead Revolution. There we learn that not only is McCullough totally NOT gay for John Gibson (!), but that he has ‘been called the heir apparent to Dobson and Falwell, by America’s most prolific faith-based writers [who are named Kevin McCullough].’ And also that something-something-emerging-technology,

… has catapulted Kevin to become one of the most listened to LIVE daily talk shows across the globe via the internet through two streaming options at WMCA.com.

And what a coinky-dink that is! Because in much the same way, I am one of the most admired bloggers in the local galactic cluster via the Earth by way of the North American landmass across the dial-up AOL account in the absence of any posts by Gavin M. or Clif on Sadlyno.com by my Mom!

McCullough is also known for porno battles with teachers who live on the Oprah Winfrey Show. And so, in a roundabout way, this leads us back to the original topic of the faggotly Barack ‘Homo-ssein’ Obama’s flamingly gaybob gayness. All brought to our attention by the tireless and very, very straight Kevin McCullough in between posts featuring tranny pics, Oprah’s cocker spaniel and American Idol.

Fuck, I need a drink. Castle or Zeitgeist?

Larry Kudlow and Company

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Larry Kudlow must be back on the blow, because he’s over at Clown Hall and he’s singing the praises of recession, no doubt because he’s secretly hoping that it’ll mean he can get a dime bag for a nickel or less.

So what’s so great about a recession? It’s this:

And let’s also remember that recessions are therapeutic. They’re even necessary to create the foundations for the next recovery.

It’s like getting the flu. You can’t get well unless you get sick first. That sounds eerily like something Kudlow must have learned in rehab — the best thing about cocaine addiction is you can’t recover without first being an addict.

If anything, recessions make for clean starts.

Of course, so does killing your spouse or burning your house down. Thanks, Larry, I’m sure we all feel better now.

Where? When? How many?* Suggestions, please.

*Spontaneous toasts to the inspiring baseball play of Barry Lamar Bonds

John McCain tells the ‘Leukemia Lifestylers’ where to stick it:

John McCain Believes in Personal Responsibility

We must do more to take care of ourselves to prevent chronic diseases when possible, and do more to adhere to treatment after we are diagnosed with an illness.

And hey, health care moochers? If you can’t stick to your radiation treatment, do us all a favor and die quietly and out of sight. You’re bothering the able-bodied workforce … and the depleted uranium ain’t gonna put itself into our anti-personnel missiles.