Sadly, No!

So Arlen Specter apparently wants an independent investigation to explain why his team’s quarterback was too lazy and out of shape to run a hurry-up offense in the most important game of his life.

Patriots haters are now officially in the same league as the Moon Landing Hoax conspiracy theorists. It’s going to be awfully funny next year when every team will completely change their signals around and the Patriots will still contend for yet another Super Bowl.

…and yes, incidentally, I know: 18-1. The Patriots did in fact lose the Super Bowl this year. Do you know how that happened, by the way? The answer is simple: they got their ass kicked at the line of scrimmage. The G-Men didn’t throw any super-secret exotic blitz packages at them that they could have picked up from stolen defensive signals. It was mostly Osi, Strahan, Alford and Tuck kicking ass all game long, with an assist from the New England secondary’s inability to make big plays on the final drive. And that’s it, folks. Stolen signals do not have the power to make Matt Light magically become better at blocking speed-rushers.

UPDATE: Heh-indeedy:

In any case, I eagerly await the existance of game film to be held up as evidence that the Patriots are stealing their opponents’ uniform designs, or their secret “snap-the-ball-to-start-the-play” signal, or perhaps their super-top-secret plan to put 11 players on the field. Isn’t it time for Pacman Jones to beat up somebody in a strip club already? The vultures are getting stupid.

UPDATE II: Don Banks is making sense:

I decided after a short period of contemplation that an outside investigation of the Patriots’ illegal taping practices would, in terms of urgency, fall somewhere below those still ongoing inquiries into the 2006 firings of U.S. attorneys by attorney general Alberto Gonzalez and the Justice Department, the meltdown of the nation’s mortgage industry due to sub-prime loans, the current administration’s definition of torture, and the NSA’s standards for domestic warrantless wire-tapping. And let’s not even count that lingering, messy debate over the validity of our pre-war intelligence. That’s such old news.

Brandon Friedman of VetVoice is decidedly unimpressed with the Commander Guy’s wartime sacrifice:

Bush Finally Speaks to the Ultimate Wartime Sacrifice

With the ghosts of Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Eisenhower looking down, President Bush finally admitted today that he has been touched by the true cost of war:

For the first time, Bush revealed a personal way in which he has tried to acknowledge the sacrifice of soldiers and their families: He has given up golf.

“I don’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf,” he said. “I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.”

In unity and spirit with Americans who will never see a child or a parent again on account of his policies, George W. Bush made the heart-wrenching decision to take a five-year hiatus from the game. He chose to make this sacrifice several months after the invasion of Iraq.

Indeed. You can see why Jonah Goldberg was so taken with the Commander Decider all those many moons ago. In fact, I’d posit that Bush is the nation’s first-ever Doughy Pantload President. Because even though the Loadpants-in-Chief “sacrificed” playing golf, he still managed to set the all-time presidential record for vacations back in 2005. How long before some intrepid young whistle blower leaks pictures of the Prez gorging himself in Cheetos, I wonder?

UPDATE: It turns out Bush lied about giving up golf after the August bombing of the UN building:

The US president traced his decision to the August 19, 2003 bombing of UN headquarters in Baghdad, which killed the world body’s top official in Iraq, Sergio Vieira de Mello.

“I remember when de Mello, who was at the UN, got killed in Baghdad as a result of these murderers taking this good man’s life. And I was playing golf — I think I was in central Texas — and they pulled me off the golf course and I said, it’s just not worth it anymore to do,” said Bush.

Bush’s last round of golf as president dates back to October 13, 2003, according to meticulous records kept by CBS news.

Just another sterling achievement in the Bush Legacy.

Also, a memo to the press – it’s nice that you’ve fact-checked Bush’s golfing claims, but couldn’t you have done more along those lines for, say, his WMD-in-Iraq claims?

You really have to hand it to the Doughy Pantload. If nothing else, he’s efficient:

What do Yucca Mountain and Guantanamo Bay have in common?

Well, there’s the obvious stuff. Both have Spanish names.

Actually, Jonah, “Yucca” is not a Spanish name. The Spanish name for that area would be “Yuca“. Thanks for playing, though; it’s good to know that the same dedication to fact-checking that made your book such a hit is still serving you well.

Sigh:

As for the speculation that Obama would convince Hillary’s supporters to vote for him if he picks another female VP candidate like Napolitano or McCaskill, I highly doubt it. There is only one Hillary Clinton. Women are not interchangeable. In fact, it would be rubbing salt in the wounds of her already disappointed supporters. Like showing off the new girlfriend to the jilted one. I think millions would stay home.

So now picking a woman as his vice-presidential candidate would apparently alienate millions of women voters. Why? Who knows! Jeralyn is still in Clinton Cuckoo Land, so this stuff apparently makes sense to her.

As I’ve said before, I can’t wait for this primary to be over just so a lot of people I like can become sane again.

O baby, you know what I like 2 hear:

Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas and defeated contender for the GOP presidential nomination, is currently at the top of John McCain’s short list for a running mate. At least that’s the word from a top McCain fundraiser and longtime Republican moneyman who has spoken to McCain’s inner circle.

Malkin sez:

All they need is sanctuary-friendly Rudy Giuliani as DHS Secretary, and the open-borders dream nightmare team will be complete.

Can someone please fast-forward to 2012? Please.

Nope, sorry dude. I’m having way too much fun enjoying the present. And besides, by 2012 the brown people will all have invaded and President Hussein Obama X will have confiscated your Blu-Ray player so it can be added to his $777 trillion Reparations Fund.

EAT IT, WHITE PEOPLE!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

Hooray! Roy has just landed a regular gig at the Village Voice! And you’ll be happy to know that working for the wicked Em Ess Em hasn’t dulled his edge:

Rightbloggers were not wholly devoted to electoral matters, though. On May 9, National Review Online’s Jonah Goldberg likened Congressional Democrats’ proposed windfall profits tax on oil companies — which have of late grown rich beyond the dreams of avarice — to a “vampiric lust for entrepreneurial blood” that would stifle the creation of better mousetraps by small businessmen. Goldberg anticipated objections: “That analogy is bogus. ExxonMobil isn’t some garage-workshop Horatio Alger.” To which he replied: “Exactly!” Because “Unlike the guy building the better mousetrap, oil companies aren’t in it for the glory, they’re in it for the money.” So they’ll stop looking for oil because there won’t be enough money in it, and presumably turn to more profitable trades, if such a thing can be imagined, or write that novel they’ve been kicking around since college. Better we should stick with the status quo and hope for the best, perhaps alternative energy — oops, Goldberg already denounced that as “buffoonery” (“the economic Shangri-La of ‘energy independence’ — whatever that is”). Well, live without hope, then, like your forefathers did.

Whole thing, Read the.

Above: ‘May I PLEASE see the queer-positive guinea pig, Mr. Venkman?’

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Humorless right-wing legacy/professional Walter Peck imitator Brent Bozell, as you probably know, is a very busy man. People are always trying to distract him from the vital issue of condemning gay pigeons by reminding him that there is a war on, and sometimes it’s just too hard to actually read the books that the demands be removed from our schools lest we go the way of Rome.

For example, Bozell, whose idea of standing up for the great conservative principles of liberty and freedom is to stick up for censorship in America’s libraries, recently penned a column in which he expressed his usual nuanced view of the First Amendment:

Some have made the obvious point that challenging libraries to provide titles they’re not stocking would turn the tables and make people realize that librarians can also be censorious in the titles they choose not to display. The mere act of selecting some books and excluding others is a “censorious” act.

What censorship IS: not stocking every book that has ever been written.

In other words, the ALA doesn’t favor open discussion and debate with parents — which is what the “challenges” represent. Its idea of “freedom” is emboldening librarians to be brave enough to indoctrinate children with what they really need to know, whether their parents object or even know about it. If public debate follows, it’s viewed as a distasteful and unfortunate bump on the road to enlightenment.

What censorship IS NOT: demanding that books of which someone might disapprove are expunged from the library.

But, you see, Brent is so busy working himself into a moral tizzy over the possibility that homosexual rodents might weaken the moral fiber of our offspring, he doesn’t always have time to read the books he works so hard on behalf of America’s non-reading parents to condemn. Note, if you will, his blue-nosed chicken cluck over an obscure tome called Uncle Bobby’s Wedding:

Already we can predict how the ALA next year will complain about any objection to a book called “Uncle Bobby’s Wedding,” the story of a young guinea pig who worries that her Uncle Bobby won’t play with her anymore after he “marries” his boyfriend Jamie. The book ends at the “wedding,” with Chloe as the enthusiastic flower girl.

Note, if you further will, this review in a New England gay newspaper of the selfsame Uncle Bobby’s Wedding:

It tells the sweet story of Chloe, an anthropomorphic young guinea pig who worries that Uncle Bobby won’t keep having fun with her after he marries his boyfriend Jamie. Uncle Bobby explains that their special times together will not end; Chloe will not be losing an uncle, but gaining one. The book ends at the wedding, with Chloe as the enthusiastic flower girl.

Notice the similarity? The author of the review did. She seems bemused more than outraged, possibly because she is not familiar with Bozell’s status as a craven plagiarizing shitbag, but hey, at least there’s an upside: the right wing is finally starting to learn how to use Google!

Jonah, are you sure you want to ask this?

The Bush Legacy [Jonah Goldberg]

About a month ago, I called Ramesh in a panic because I’d forgotten that I was slated to do a Close-Up Foundation interview on the Bush legacy and I hadn’t thought too much about it. Fortunately, not only did Ramesh have some great thoughts, but I was wrong about the date — by a month (I’d entered it into my PDA wrong). Anyway, I’m doing the interview this Thursday and while I have my thoughts far better organized, I thought it’d be interesting to know what NRO readers think Bush’s legacy will be. Please send thoughts — hopefully constructive — to [email protected].

(Via.)

I highly encourage you all to send Jonah your thoughts on this matter, be they constructive or otherwise.

For my part, I think pictures speak more than a trillion-kabillion words, so I’ll let them speak for me. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush Legacy:

To sum up: Bush has been a smarmy, destructive asshole for the past eight years and he has left the next president with an extremely large pile of shit to deal with. And you, Jonah, dutifully enabled the stupid SOB for years until you realized that he was starting to cost the GOP votes. Lest we forget:

From tax cuts (and deficits, alas), to his personal conviction on aborrtion, to aligning America with the historical tide of liberty in the world, Georrge W. Bush has proved that he’s a Reaganite, not a “Bushie.” He may not be a natural heir to Reagan, but that’s the point. The party is all Reaganite now. What better sign that this is now truly and totally the Gipper’s Party than the obvious conversion of George Bush’s own son?

Why should anybody ask for your opinion on anything, dude? You have less credibility than a 9/11 Truther. Because say what you will about the Truthers, but at least they don’t abandon their crazy and insane delusions just because they suddenly become politically inconvenient.

What a pathetic fraud.

UPDATE: Here’s a more succinct version of the Bush Legacy:

Thanks to Lesley for the idea.

How some Obama fans see Clinton supporters

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One of my least-favorite journalistic conventions is when a reporter interviews one crazy bastard and decides to have him represent an entire demographic of people. Case in point is this Financial Times article:

Like most people in Mingo County, West Virginia, Leonard Simpson is a lifelong Democrat. But given a choice between Barack Obama and John McCain in November, the 67-year-old retired coalminer would vote Republican.

“I heard that Obama is a Muslim and his wife’s an atheist,” said Mr Simpson, drawing on a cigarette outside the fire station in Williamson, a coalmining town of 3,400 people surrounded by lush wooded hillsides.

Mr Simpson’s remarks help explain why Mr Obama is trailing Hillary Clinton, his Democratic rival, by 40 percentage points ahead of Tuesday’s primary election in the heavily white and rural state, according to recent opinion polls.

Well no, dude, they really don’t.

Only 10% of voters think that Obama is a Muslim. And unless they all happen to be West Virginia Democratic primary voters, I don’t think that Mr. Simpson’s remarks explain anything other than his own psychosis.

Sadly, Oliver Willis takes the bait on this nonsense:

“Obama just doesn’t sound right for an American president.”

It’s the sentiment of one voter in West Virginia. And I know I’m in many ways the stereotypical coastal elitist here, but I don’t I’m crazy to think that a party absolves itself of morality by pandering to that kind of thing, always afraid of taking a step forward because it might offend some whose thinking is backwards (ie “That Martin King is kind of radical, shouldn’t we just bide our time rather than upsetting the apple cart? People in the deep south aren’t ready for big change just yet”).

I don’t believe in supporting candidates far outside of the mainstream of thought but at the same time that road goes both ways. I don’t believe in not supporting a candidate because of the opinion of a voting bloc outside of the realm of common sense.

Of course, at the same time, this shows the world of difference between Virginia and West Virginia.

See, here’s the thing: the reasons that Republicans have been winning elections in rural southern and midwestern states is because they’ve become extremely adept at exploiting cultural differences between small-town Americans and big-city Americans. We’re all familiar by with what this entails: portraying Democrats as Starbucks pastry-buggering windsurfing Yanni fans.

Now it’s true that there are real cultural differences between people who live in cities and people who live in small towns. It’s also true that these differences are present in just every country that’s ever existed. City life and country life are different from one another, and thus it’s perfectly natural that people who live in fundamentally different environments would adopt different cultural norms and mores.

What’s more, I think these cultural differences are relatively small. Yes, cities have a smaller percentage of people who attend church every week, but atheists like me are still way, way outnumbered by people with religious beliefs. For instance, even though Boston has a reputation as a den of atheistic eeeeeeeeevil, it has like a gajillion Catholics living in it. Let’s face it: the cultural differences between rural and urban Americans pale in significance to our similarities.

And this brings me back to why Oliver’s take on this is so stupid. Dude, we’re trying to convince people to support Team Blue in the fall. Stereotyping everyone in West Virginia as a brain-dead goober is a poor strategy for getting them to vote for our candidate. Instead of simply dismissing all Clinton supporters as bigoted hicks, folks in the Obama camp should examine how her emphasis on progressive domestic policy issues such as implementing universal health care and placing a temporary freeze on subprime foreclosures has helped her win over white blue-collar Democrats. And while I’m sure there will be a small, insignificant minority of Clinton supporters who won’t vote for Obama because he’s black, I think the vast majority of them will be receptive to him if he can make his case.

A rash of illnesses and a pretty severe work overload brought on by the joys of teaching at a failing school in a state that does high-stakes testing (more on that later) have stolen every quantum of spare time I’ve had in months, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t missed you guys something terrible.

Apparently, not having time to do much more than shower and work in the last four months means I’ve missed some stuff in the news…anybody wanna fill me in?

While I’m getting caught up with the rest of the world, I thought I’d share with you some secret footage that someone managed to smuggle out of Clinton’s campaign headquarters. Enjoy (NSFW subtitles – or language, if anyone around you speaks German)!

Update: Apologies to any Hillary Clinton supporters whom I may have offended with my intemperate posting. Perhaps this will make you feel better.

Sorry this one isn’t as funny as the other one is – I can try to offend equally, but I can’t make up for the fact that non-Obama supporters are just not as funny as non-Clinton supporters. If you can hook me up with something better, leave a message in the comments and I’ll edit this.