Sadly, No!

I had hope for Lambert coming back to reality after the primaries were over. The Talk Left folks have toned it down, as has Taylor Marsh. But no, Lambert is still really insane. It’s a damn shame.

ABOVE: Greg Gutfeld

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OK to Breast Feed in Public?

Men would only ever have sex with women’s butts if it weren’t for breasts.

Bonus quote:

In a sense, my eyes are like two little infants, who also need sustenance.

Link thanks to abdiel, who suggested these shorters:

Female breasts are designed to attract men to have sex with the front of a woman, which leads to species survival, rather than having sex with the rear of a woman, which leads to species destruction.

Leering at womens’ breasts is critical to human survival.

Political Cycles

• The fact is, here in the Heartland, the mass throngs of manly white bikers will rev up their resentment and save us from President Barack Hussein Obama.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Selective Editing?

• The fayulure of CNN to tayull everbody that this Geisel fellah also reckoned to shoot Bush is a slayup in the face an’ a lowdown insult to law-bidin’ white racists everwhere. Some-un ovah at CNN oughta be shot.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Yes, he fell for another one.

Unintentially Appropriate

The funny thing about true believers of any religion is how accidentally appropriate their signs and symbols may be seen by others. The L.A.-based ad agency sees—uh—”people coming together” for Obama.

Those of us who aren’t as in love with the Freshman Senator would rather not grasp the symbolism.

Uh-huh. So an ad agency not affiliated with the Obama campaign has released a joke logo. Perhaps we should spell out the joke for him. . .the joke for him. . .the joke for him. . .the joke for him. . .the joke for him. . .the joke for him…

Actually, Mr. Yankee, we made a worse mistake than this once. Boy was our face red! Click here to read the whole embarrassing tale.

Jeesh. Say, while he’s distracted: We’re waiting for him to take this bait. Because guess whose idea that study was? No really, it’s better than you can imagine without Googling. (No spoilers!)

* It is not literally Confederate Yankee Week.

Bob Owens, will you never cease to provide us with hilariously dim commentary such as this?

Obama: America Sucks, and Only I Can Save It

The Obamamessiah has spoken:

“America is …, uh, is no longer, uh … what it could be, what it once was. And I say to myself, I don’t want that future for my children.”

Hot Air caught the story, and has similar statements from American’s favorite pessimist, Eeyore Michelle Obama.

For a couple who wants to lead this nation, the Obamas don’t seem to have much faith in it.

Gateway Pundit and Special Ed are all over this as well (sez Ed: “He’s not selling Hope, he’s selling Despair, and himself as the snake oil that will cure us of all our ills.”).

Say, guys, have you taken a look at the national mood lately? It not pretty:

Now, if you guys want to run your presidential campaign on the premise that the Bush years have kicked unequivocally large amounts of ass, then be my guest. But judging from public sentiment, this notion has no basis in, you know, reality.

Here’s Confederate Yankee with another of his engaging theories:

A Curious Attraction

[…]

The DNC has new goodies online, from buttons to bumper stickers to yard signs.

Notice a common thread in all of them?

That they’re making fun of John McCain, yes.

Yes, a no doubt…

Wait, no. I mean yes.

…unconscious attraction to that infamous symbol that frames the murderous live’s work of Che, Lenin, Mao, and Stalin, the communist red star, first in their blessed revolutionary hearts and coming to a bumper sticker near you!

Being ever helpful, I took their campaign logo to it’s logical conclusion.

Um…

Above: Actual, unaltered campaign logo, JohnMcCain.com

We’d be all like, “We’re waiting for a correction,” but he’s already on his second ridiculous post after this one.

Actually, what we’re waiting for is for Mr. Fauxtography Expert to critique the Photoshopped picture that is allegedly of John Edwards holding a baby, as published in The National Enquirer. For starters, we see clear use of the Reduce Noise filter, apparently with the Remove JPEG Artifact box checked. Woo!

¹ Cf.
[Hanx! Evan]

More bubba-liciousness from Bob Owens at the Confederate Yankee:

ABOVE: More Fauxtography

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Global Warming Fauxtography?

Brian Ledbetter of Snapped Shot passed this along, a draft report from a global warming group that was too lazy to find an image of a flooded home that suited their ethos, and instead purchased a stock Photoshop creation to better sell their alarmism to the McMansion set.

If they put such little work in the images, it you wonder how much effort they put into the science of the report, doesn’t it?

If you click through Gomer Bile’s links, you’ll discover that his fauxtrage is directed at one photo (out of hundreds of illustrations, photographs and graphics in a 200 page draft report) which showed a house surrounded by a foot or so of “graphically rendered” flood waters.

Y’all see what I mean? That photoshopped pitchah is mower proof that global warmin’ is jes’ anothuh liberal lie. And it ain’t jes this pitchah I’m talkin’ about; them so-called science perfessers done used hundreds of othuh pitchas that ain’t real and was drawn by so-called artists. An’ anothuh thang: don’t them pointy-head perfessers know that photoshoppin’ a pitchah uses more electric powuh than jes’ takin’ one? Bunch o’ elite hypocrites, if y’all ask me. Now will one of y’all come on an’ gimme some munnah so I can buy mahself anothuh chah-cole gree-yul?

Really, folks, please buy Bob Owens a grill*, because if you do he’s going to wind-up in the burn ward the first time he tries to grill himself up a mess of pig trotters.

[Dialect updated thanks to the expert advice of Jude]

UPDATE: Brian Bedwetter at Snapped Shot, who was the one that got Bob all hee-hawing about Photoshopped floods and the like, doesn’t like us and has blocked our link to his site, a sure sign that he stands behind his work. So after you see his clever little Mohammed carton to which our link has been directed, you can copy and paste this link —

http://www.snappedshot.com/archives/2566-Climate-Fauxtography.html

— into your browser to see the page originally linked.

Gavin adds: Hey, what’s this written at the bottom of the report?

First things first: our pal and colleague Mr. Leonard Pierce has published a hilarious and insightful piece over at AlterNet documenting the Right’s sleaziest and most contradictory anti-Obama smears. Among other things, Leonard uncovers the Right’s goofy campaign to portray Obama as an elitist:

Despite promoting tax policy changes beneficial to the middle class and supporting innumerable aid programs for working Americans, Barack Obama seems determined to keep doing things that, in the eyes of multimillionaire Republicans, make him an out-of-touch elitist aristo whose ability to relate to the common man is constantly hampered by his tripping over his platinum walking stick or getting his diamond-studded monocle stuck in his eye. From his failure to adequately enjoy sport shooting to his inability to bowl a 300 game to his infuriating capacity to talk to farmers about farming, there seems to be no end to what this man will do to establish that he’s better than the Republican conception of the working man and/or woman. (The fact that this conception is itself an egregious stereotype doesn’t seem to bother the GOP.) What’s more, Republicans have tarred Obama’s wife, Michelle, as a stuck-up, snooty, Princeton-educated lawyer who looks down on ordinary people, unlike down-to-earth, USC-educated booze heiress Cindy McCain.

Hehindeedreadthewholething.

Second: through the comments to Leonard’s article, I found this amazing website called UnfitMcCain. And while it’s certifiably kooky, I have no doubt that if this guy were leveling charges such as this against John Kerry, he’d be invited onto Hannity & Colmes every night:

In McCain’s 1999 autobiography, Faith of My Fathers, he admitted to smoking cigarettes provided him by his captors. It’s reasonable to assume the North Vietnamese weren’t aware he was addicted to nicotine. Thus, if McCain, a two packs a day smoker, had initially refused the tobacco favor, nothing would’ve been said or inferred.

On the other hand, when he took that first puff, his captors knew instantly McCain had a weakness that could make him more vulnerable to disclosing military secrets during interrogations, which he did.

In return for medical treatment at a civilian hospital, a privilege never granted to other injured POWs, McCain reportedly told NVA interrogators the name of his aircraft carrier, how many Navy pilots had been lost, the number of planes in his flight formation, tactics used during bomb runs and the location of rescue ships in the Tonkin Gulf.

Because of the revelations which McCain repeated in propaganda radio broadcasts, the North Vietnamese contemptuously nicknamed him “Songbird.”

Now this is how you smear someone, people! Why isn’t Michelle Malkin jumping up and down to promote the treacherous saga of Songbird McCain, just as she enthusiastically promoted claims that John Kerry shot himself to get out of ‘Nam! Why isn’t the Ole Perfesser linking to his page every half hour and adding his trademark “hehs,” “indeeds,” “hmmmmms,” and “disturbing if trues?” Why isn’t FOX News blaring non-stop coverage of these devastating allegations that Tweety McCain was a lapdog for the Vietcong? I mean, it’s almost like they only get enthusiastic about smearing someone’s military credentials if they’re a Democrat.

ABOVE: Mickey Kaus, with that glow that only
goat irrumatio can bring

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Goat bukakke enthusiast Mickey Kaus on the John Edwards tabloid “scandal” — you knew it had to happen … again:

Why write about the Edwards scandal? Here’s a short clip-‘n’-save response to those (including many friends) who argue the Edwards scandal shouldn’t be pursued–or at least pursued too vigorously — even if it is true: …

Perhaps Kaus ought to also prepare a clip-‘n’-save on why its unfair for us to accuse him of blowing goats — even if it is true. Instead, he uses a straw man — that people are saying the story shouldn’t even be investigated — to spread the rumor about Edwards even if it isn’t true.

It’s silly to say “he’s just a private citizen”–he’s much less of a “private citizen” than, say, William Bennett was in 2003 when Jonathan Alter and Joshua Green torpedoed Bennett’s career by revealing his gambling habits.

What makes the scandal awful and unpleasant–as opposed to the Bennett scandal, which was delicious–is that Edwards has a very ill wife. But, as Susan Estrich has noted, that’s also what makes Edwards’ alleged behavior awful and unpleasant–more objectionable than anything Bennett was accused of doing.

Except, of course, that the allegation that Bennett was a high-stakes gambler was true and was admitted by Bennett himself, whereas the Edwards allegation is an unsubstantiated claim by a supermarket tabloid and hasn’t been admitted by Edwards. But since he has a sick wife, Kaus thinks it would be irresponsible not to spread those rumors.

How irresponsible was it to seek the party’s nomination knowing that this scandal was lurking around, ready to explode? What if he’d won?

In other words, if its rumored that you’re having an affair, you must forswear campaigns for public office. On the other hand, if it’s rumored that you blow goats, you can still be a columnist at Slate and repeat sensational tabloid allegations as if they were absolute truth.

If the scandal is true, it almost certainly means that during the campaign Edwards presided over an elaborate coverup involving at least a) having an aide wrongly claim paternity and b) having other aides go out and lie to reporters.

And if the stories of Kaus and the goats is true, it almost certainly means that Kaus and Slate have presided over an elaborate cover-up involving at least a)payments of hush money to keep the goat quiet and b) numerous misstatements by Kaus about why he keeps licking his lips.