The Moronic Verses

Via Our Lady of the Shit Moat, we are treated to Jihad Watch’s helpful advice for Muslims wishing to present themselves in polite society. We’ve added a few of our own to Robert Spencer’s — see if you can tell which ones:

The American Muslim, terrorism, and Islamic supremacism

… So — will Sheila Musaji care to condemn the supremacist imperative delineated by these authoritative, traditional sources? Specifically, since she is asking me what is required to be considered a moderate Muslim, I can tell her that I believe it would be sufficient to do the following:

1. Acknowledge the existence of and repudiate the traditional Islamic imperative, taught by all the schools of Islamic jurisprudence that Muslims recognize as orthodox, to impose Islamic law upon non-Muslims, whether by force or by stealth.

2. Renounce any intention, now or in the future, to replace the U.S. Constitution with Islamic law.

3. Condemn all efforts, or attempts at same, to draw attention to the crescent-like shape of the majority ingredient in Apple Pie and its accepted variants.

4. Clarify, and call upon other Muslims in America to clarify, what is meant by the words ‘terrorism’ and ‘innocent’ in Muslim condemnations of terrorism, so that it is clear that what is being condemned is the murder of American and other non-combatants by Muslims acting in the name of Islamic jihad.

5. Denounce any attempt by your co-religionists to single out people of a different religious faith for unusual scrutiny in the public square.

6. Repudiate the idea that Muslims have a divine mandate to force, when possible, Jews, Christians, and other ‘People of the Book’ to pay a special religion-based tax from which Muslims are exempt (Qur’an 9:29).

7. Call upon Muslims in America to institute comprehensive, honest, and transparent programs in mosques and Islamic schools, teaching the virtues of the non-establishment of religion, and teaching directly against Islamic supremacism and the idea that Muslims must fight against Jews and Christians until they “feel themselves subdued” (Qur’an 9:29).

8. Call upon Muslims in America to institute comprehensive, honest, and transparent programs in mosques and Islamic schools, teaching against honor killing, and against the idea — which is enshrined in Islamic law — that a parent faces no penalty for killing his or her own child (see ‘Umdat al-Salik o1.1-2).

9. Call upon Muslims in America to institute comprehensive, honest, and transparent programs in mosques and Islamic schools, to end all forcing, pressuring or badgering of individuals to repudiate, point-by-point, long lists of collectively ascribed negative behaviors that are dishonestly derived from the deep recesses of dense and ancient religious texts few have studied, much less live by to the letter (see ‘Best of the Hair Bands: Vol. 3’).

10. Call upon Muslims worldwide, including in Saudi Arabia, to end all institutionalized discrimination against and harassment of non-Muslims, and to allow churches and other houses of worship to be built in majority-Muslim countries with an ease comparable to that with which mosques are currently built in Western countries.

11. Repudiate the idea that a Muslim who renounces Islam and adopts any other faith or no faith at all should be killed — as is the teaching of Muhammad and all the schools of Islamic jurisprudence — and call upon Muslim groups in America to teach the freedom of conscience as a God-given right in American mosques and Islamic schools.

12. Call upon Muslims in America and worldwide to drop the traditional and authoritative Islamic prohibition of marriage between non-Muslim men and Muslim women, and to repudiate and teach against the idea of divinely sanctioned wife-beating (Qur’an 4:34).

13. Villify, repudiate and condemn the institutionalized and barbaric Islamic practice of damaging expensive American munitions with Muslim heads, torsos and limbs.

14. Condemn Hamas and Hizballah as terrorist organizations, and the Islamic Republic of Iran for its continuing the barbaric practice of stoning people to death. Call upon Muslim groups to teach against stoning as a punishment for adultery or anything else in American mosques and Islamic schools.

15. Formally signify in public, by means of an easily recognized badge or token on the outer garments, that you are a moderate Muslim who remains in this country at our pleasure, an inexhaustive supply of which is not likely to be found here should you backslide towards bullying and marginalizing those not like yourself in ridiculous displays of terrified pique.

Do those things, Ms. Musaji, and I will happily acknowledge that you are indeed a ‘moderate’ Muslim.

 

Two Minute America’s Shittiest Website™ Symposium

[link]

Clint Bollocks: Obama’s election is just the excuse we need to throw affirmative action out the window.

Linda “Not Cesar or Hugo” Chavez: America can no longer be called a racist country inasmuch as only 48% of the country voted against the Negro. Latinas, however, are still fucked.

Roger Clodd: If a black man can be elected President, it just goes to show that unemployed blacks are lazy.

Wardell Connerly: The only good thing for whites about a black man in the White House is that we no longer need to feel “white guilt.”

Cakehole James: I’m a black conservative who tried to volunteer to work at the polls on Tuesday. Even though the Democrat there was nice to me and the Republican ignored me, I’m still a Republican who hates Obama.

Deroy Turducken: Jesse Jackson is so screwed.

Abigal Drangundsturm: It doesn’t strike me that the Obama family is really all that black because it has two parents and two beautiful children.

W. Bradford Wilcox IV: The best thing about Barry is he probably won’t have an intern perform fellatio on him in the Oval Office.

 

No More Mister Nice Gays

ABOVE: Prof. Zywicki and pet chipmunk (right)


Third-tier law school professor and first-tier wingnut, Todd Zywicki, outdoes himself with his latest post over at the reliably wrong-headed Volokh Conspiracy

So let me get this right–those who are upset about the passage of Proposition 8 in California have decided that the thing to do is to pick on the Mormons? So one marginalized group decides that the way to go is to vent their outrage against another marginalized group in society? Unbelieveable.

Professor Zywicki has apparently been too busy filling his cheek pouches with Cheetos and watching TruTV to have learned that the Mormons weren’t exactly a randomly-picked target, not to mention that they are about as marginalized as, oh, I don’t know, the Marriott family. But total ignorance of the facts doesn’t deter Professor Zywicki from treading boldly forward into his own delusional world.

Relying on Exit Polls are dicey, of course.

But don’t let that stop you from relying on them, Professor. (Note that basic comprehension of the rules of subject-verb agreement is not a requirement to be a professor at George Mason Law School.)

But according to the Exit Polls, the decisive difference in Proposition 8’s passage was two reasons. First, 70% of black voters supported it. … The second group that strongly supported Prop 8 appear [Oopsies! More pesky subject-verb issues – Ed.] to be Married [sic] people with children under the age of 18. … [W]ho is going to stick up for the Mormons? Other than that vast and powerful well-oiled Mormon political machine that launched Mitt Romney into the White House this year, of course.

This is utterly shameful behavior. I understand why the losers on Proposition 8 are frustrated. But scapegoating the Mormons simply because it is politically-correct [Wayward hypen alert! – Ed.] to single them out is really over the line.

Could this fuckwit really be any more clueless? Teh gays didn’t go after the Mormons because they wear silly underwear and believe that they inherit their own planets when they die. No, they did it because the Mormon church bankrolled the campaign for Proposition 8.

Then comes the update to end all updates after somebody apparently told Zywicki that the Mormons weren’t randomly selected by teh gays as the object of protest:

Update:

I should have noted that given the unusual history of Mormons in the United States and their periodic struggles with polygamist schism groups, it is easy to understand why the mainstream Mormon Church would have a particular interest in opposing efforts to weaken the traditional definition of marriage.

Zywicki is joking, right? Does he really believe that because the Mormons used to believe in polygamy, and because some still do, that gives them a right to tell other people who they can and can’t marry? No, it only gives them the right to tell other Mormons that they have to divorce one wife before they can marry a second. And that beer, wine, booze, coffee, tea, Pepsi, Coca-Cola, Red Bull and plural wives are all equally forbidden at the reception. And then they can leave everybody else’s weddings the fuck alone, particularly ones that just involve two people.

 

New AlterNet piece up

I’ve got a new AlterNet piece up about the biggest non-game changing moments that did not shape the 2008 election. Sarah Palin made the list. Excerpt:

The Desperate Right’s Five Biggest Flops of the 2008 Election

[…]

Palin’s problems began when she stopped reading from a script and started talking with reporters. Palin had trouble answering hard-hitting questions such as what newspapers and magazines she read (“All of them!”) and whether she could name a Supreme Court case that she had ever disagreed with. Even more worrisome was her claim that living in close proximity to Russia gave her invaluable foreign policy experience because “as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there.” And who could forget Palin’s assertion that the government’s $700 billion Wall Street bailout plan would “help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy.” Also, the bailout was proof that “we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing” and that “reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americas.”

[…]

If the McCain campaign really thought that Palin could win over former female Clinton supporters, then they must think that female voters are some of the stupidest people on the planet. Memo to the GOP: Millions of people flocked to Clinton in the primaries because of her intellect and her wonky passion for bread-and-butter economic issues such as universal health care. She cannot be easily replaced by a woman whose chief accomplishment so far in life has been eating a moose.

Plz read whole thing. Kthxbai.

 

From 48 To 52 (With Rolling Updates)

we would love to see a group project where mccain supporters reached out to the obama folk (and others) in a gesture of reconciliation…

simple messages.

perhaps it is naive. the differences are real, i know. but we have to repair the damage done from this election cycle somehow…

the fringes (all of them) have been allowed to dominate our conversations for too long. to create a cycle of hate, ill-will and revenge.

it’s a tough and delicate challenge – if you want to try it – send a pic of you with a sign, or a vid, or anything to sadlyno.com

maybe it works, maybe not – i know it won’t speak to many : but i think we give it a whirl and decide for ourselves, yes?

From Mr. Leonard Pierce:

Read the rest of this entry »

 

Glorious news

Give it to me, Novakula:

Newt in 2012?

In serious conversations among Republicans since their election debacle Tuesday, what name is mentioned most often as the Moses, or Reagan, who could lead them out of the wilderness before 40 years?

To the consternation of many Republicans, it is none other than Newt Gingrich, the former speaker of the House.

Gingrich is far from a unanimous or even a consensus choice to run for president in 2012, but there is a strong feeling in Republican ranks that he is the only leader of their party who has shown the skill and energy to attempt a comeback quickly.

Even one of his strongest supporters for president in 2012 admits it is a “very risky choice.” But Republicans are in a desperate mood after the fiasco of John McCain’s seemingly safe candidacy.

Republicans seem chastened by the failure of seeking moderate, independent and even Democratic votes. They are ready to try going back to the “old-time religion.”

I hope that Newt and Tony Perkins run a joint ticket whose main platform plank consists of taking away children from gay couples and throwing them into orphanages. I didn’t think any election could be funnier than 2008, but the GOP nominating Newt could very well top it.

 

From 48 To 52: “Dorp Dead”*

Shorter Sir Victor Davis Pericles Thucydides von Goethe von Clausewitz “Not Me” Hanson the Red, OBE, VC, DSM-IV, MC5, PU, EIEIO, XYZ-PDQ, 124C41, OU812, THX1138, Last King of Scotland and Protector of Cockaigne and Llareggub:

The Day After

  • It seems to me that conservatives have a golden opportunity to offer criticism and advice in a manner that many liberals did not during the last eight years. By that I mean that we should project our past fifteen years of triumphal, bloodthirsty political screeching onto them — i.e. construct and inhabit a false, self-justifying reality in the manner of children, the mentally handicapped, and the criminally insane — and by this strengthen our ability to participate in the ongoing invention of current realities, of which I have prepared a list.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions™.


* Cf., cf., cf., cf.

 

Shorter Tony Perkins

Moderates to blame for GOP losses, conservative leader says

  • If Republicans want to get back into power, they have to go back to bedrock conservative principles such as fag-bashing.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions™.


 

While We Must Do, Ace Must Only Be

ABOVE: Dude, you ought to see his traffic lately


Shorter Every Post at Ace Of Spades HQ That Was Posted by Ace in the Roughly Four and One-Half Hours Between 4:15pm and 8:49pm on Thursday, November 6:

Comedians Declare They Just Can’t Find Anything At All Funny About Barack Obama
—Ace

  • Comedians have a clear liberal bias, for here, unthought-of by them, is a clever joke about Barack Obama being black.


Iowahawk Beams with Pride That America Has Looked Past Race to Elect a Corrupt, Dangerous, Naive and Unqualified President

—Ace

  • Hey, let’s try this one: Conservatives are not racist because Barack Obama is unqualified to be President compared to all the other black people.

Thursday Stupid: Amy Winehouse Updates Her Look
—Ace

  • Once I totally would have done Amy Winehouse, but now she is beneath consideration.

The Age of Obama, Chapter 12: Change in Education
—Ace

  • A teacher in Hungary stripped to her underwear in front of a class of students, suggesting to me a systemic deterioration of morals in the American educational system since the election of Barack Obama last Tuesday night.

VDH: The Day After
—Ace

  • Victor Davis Hanson, in a page of howling gibberish the astounding nature of which I am incapable of perceiving, says that the right should behave more maturely and civilly than the left behaved during the heyday of Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and so forth. I second the motion, and the anti-American Marxist swine should be gibbeted.

Client Number Nine Skates with Charges Numbering Zero: Spitzer Won’t Face Criminal Charges for Prostitution
—Ace

  • It is well known that conservatives are punished for crimes while liberals escape penalty.

The Age of Plenty, Day 2: Worst Two-Day Plummet Since 1987
—Ace

  • Just as George W. Bush was forced to take responsibility for a recession that began during the Clinton administration, Democrats must now bear the blame for a recession that has traveled backward in time from something that Obama will have done.

Silvio Berlusconi on Obama: “He Is Young, He Is Beautiful, and He Is Tanned”
—Ace

  • Heh heh, heck of a job, Brownie.

Bleg…
—Ace

  • Can someone get me a bag of chips? Thanks. Hey [munch munch], there’s some chips here if you want some.

McCain’s Idiot Phone Guy
—Ace

  • Some guy forwarded an email to me from some other guy who said he called the McCain campaign office to complain about their not supporting Palin enough during the feud between McCain and Palin, and long story short, he says some unnamed guy there was an asshole. This is meaningful because any stray rumor that supports Palin’s side is evidentiary, while any collaborated narrative that supports McCain’s side is a filthy and intolerable smear spewed by traitors.

Marx Was Right: Class Trumps Race or Any Other Demopoitical Interest
—Ace

  • In an unfinished essay, I have been trying to argue that the patrician George W. Bush was an ordinary, salt-of-the-earth American, but also fortunately a patrician, while Sarah Palin was exactly the other way around, and could have been a patrician if she wanted to, and yet impressively was not one. Point being, I was watching Gosford Park in my Boston pied-à-terre and realized that liberals are snobs for knowing about Robert Altman while real people are sitting on their porches with banjos.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions™.


 

The Conservative Crackup: Special Wingnut Unit

Slate currently has a dialogue involving Tucker Carlson, Ross Douthat and assorted ponderous bores, wherein this crack GOP salvage crew discuss lessons to be learned from conservatism’s crushing defeat to B. Hussein Obama. Fine, for what it’s worth, but I thought I’d pose the question, ‘Whither conservatives now?’ to a more representative sample of the Republican Party’s ‘big tent’:

DIALOGUES

The Conservative Crackup, Pt. 2
What should the Republican Party do now?

By D. Aristophanes, Pamela Geller, Emperor Misha I, LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR Debbie Schlussel, Dafydd ab Hugh, Warrior and J. Grant Swank


From: D. Aristophanes
To: Pamela Geller, Emperor Misha I, LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR, Debbie Schlussel, Dafydd ab Hugh, Warrior, J. Grant Swank
Subject: What Would a Wingnut Jesus Do?
Posted Thursday, Nov. 6, 2008, at 9:04 AM ET


A majority of Americans have categorically rejected Bush Era nastiness in favor of Barack Obama’s appeal to our better angels. Question: How can the Republican Party rescue its brand and how can conservatives become politically relevant again?

 

From: Pamela Geller
To: D. Aristophanes, Emperor Misha I, LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR, Debbie Schlussel, Dafydd ab Hugh, Warrior, J. Grant Swank
Subject: Eating Our Own
Posted Thursday, Nov. 6, 2008, at 9:37 AM ET


I am working on a strategy, a plan to move forward and do two things.

First, take back the party and institute real reform. We will not accept moving to the left to ‘get along’. We will no allow a compromise of our ideals of small government, low taxes, big defense. We will not tolerate appeasers, RINOS, traitors. We will target races. We will target leadership. We will target races in the Northeast and upper Mid-West were there is no Republican presence.

WE WILL TAKE BACK OUR PARTY. We will support Sarah Palin and unlike the Republican party, SUPPORT ALAN WEST and men like Ed Lynch. Never again with the media pick the Republican candidate as they did with McCain.

We will throw out the dead wood. Their day is done. They are dead to the party. The old queens are dead. Long Live the GOP.

Second, we will build a new media network. I don’t care if the lamestream media is completely in the tank for the Democrats. So, what else is new (hello, uh Watergate)?The whining and groaning is not interesting to me. I don’t care. It is what it is. WE have to build an efficient delivery system for OUR MEDIA. We have to create an effective to reach the folks that are under a constant attack with leftwing propaganda bashing. In a recent poll, respondents were queried where they got their news, for the first time the internet (28%) beat cable, TV, newspapers ( 27%, 26%). That is our future.
Big media is dead. They threw themselves under the bus to pull the Mansourian candidate over the line. Never again.

This is the beginning of what I intend to do the next for years.

Who is with me? Who will help? Who wants to be a part of OUR FUTURE?

Who?

  Read the rest of this entry »