Sadly, No!

Enlarged Colon (front) and Alicia Colon (rear)

Shorter Alicia Colon, The American “Thinker”
Manufacturing Consent for the Gay Agenda

• Now that even Harvey “Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay” Milk has a school named after him and everywhere you look on the teevee you see gays and more gays and even more gays, it’s time that we stop focusing on the bad things that straight people do to the gays and start focusing on all the bad things that the gays do to ordinary straight people such as myself. Like those three gays in D.C. who killed a straight guy.¹ My nephew is gay, and he agrees with me completely.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Chicago Ray, why can’t we quit you!

ABOVE: Lives in furnished parking lot

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Flight 93 4/24/09

Welcome to the Flight 93 Memorial Blogroll and Burst, which is designed to bring more well deserved attention to the ridiculous Muslim Honoring Memorial being now being planned and soon to be constructed in Shanksville PA. A memorial that is supposed to honor the innocent victims that were mercilessly murdered that day in the name of Islam, not the murderers themselves.

What I really want to do is just mirror his entire site here. With the sole comment being a picture of a guy going like this:

😮

That is what the PC, cuddle the Muslims crowd is trying to sell us down in Shanksville, and guess what, we’re not buying it, not today, not ever..

Funny me, but I thought the victims that day were 3000 plus loved and terribly missed Americans, not 19 filthy radical terrorists who are all thankfully rotting in hell today along with their Messiah Allah and everyone else that ever killed and maimed in his despicable name.

The theology is more interesting than I’d like to admit. Could God take the Islamic version of himself and throw him into Hell? And if so, what if the Catholic version tried to pitch the Baptist one in there? This seems like a kind of thing that could get messy really easily.

Also, I was worried that I’d oversold Chicago Ray, but no, he really does seem to be a Swank-grade discovery. You know where he’s going with this, right?
Read the rest of this entry »

Crazy Andy McCarthy, The Corner:
Re: Sidestepping the Issue

• Oh, but Ramesh, lawbreaking isn’t necessarily against the law at all, because what if there’s a crime and the law keeps you from finding out whether there is one or not?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

“Special” Ed Morrissey, HotAir:
Video: Frank in 2005 — Bubble? What bubble?

• Outrage: Barney Frank used to say what we were saying. Irony: Now he’s saying what we say!

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Ramesh Ponnuru, The Corner:
Sidestepping the Issue

• We are arguing against prosecutions without considering that torture is against the law, and the legal presumption is therefore strongly in favor of investigations. So okay, what if we’re like, “It is outlandish to say that torture is against the law”?

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

John Hinderacker, Butt Propulsion Laboratories:
Voters Unimpressed By Dems’ “Torture” Theme

• Notably accurate are Rasmussen surveys, for they correct for the liberal bias among polling respondents.

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

ABOVE: Mark Hemingway

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You knew that after the torture memos came out approving waterboarding, sooner or later some right-wing apologist would explain that Japanese waterboarding of U.S. troops is completely different from our own benign, indeed compassionate, waterboarding. The only question is who would be first and who would be worst.

Ding ding ding ding ding, we have a big winner!!!

Give it up, boys and girls, for Mark Hemingway whose expertise on waterboarding has been garnered from, apparently, years and years of pouring chocolate shakes down his own nose while splayed out on a couch.

Mark got all hopped up and sweaty while watching an exchange between Paul Begala and Ari Fleischer on CNN. Begala had asked Fleischer, who was arguing that waterboarding wasn’t torture, to explain then the U.S. war crimes prosecutions of Japanese soldiers for waterboarding their POWs. Fleischer sat staring at the camera, unable to say a word, for a long period that was as uncomfortable for him as it was delicious for many others.

Never fear, little Ari, here comes Mighty Mark to save the day:

There’s just one problem. What Begala said isn’t true. Begala appears to be referencing Yukio Asano, a Japanese soldier convicted of war crimes.

And Chinsaku Yuki, Seitaro Hata, Takeo Kita, Hideji Nakamura, Genji Mineno, Shigeru Sawada, Yagoheiji Iwata and others, all of whom were convicted by U.S. war crimes tribunals for waterboarding prisoners during World War II. But, hey, what are a few extra Japanese war criminals among friends? And it’s not like it takes some super braniac months to root this information out from dusty archives in the basement of some military base. No, the great Gazoogle will happily provide this information to anyone who can use a computer, which must mean that Mark came down with an advanced case of leprosy and his fingers fell off.

[Asano’s] 15-year sentence was for a host of crimes besides waterboarding. Asano beat people with clubs and burned them with cigarettes — and I think there’s no real debate about whether that consitutes [sic] torture.

Apparently burning someone with a cigarette is way worse than making them think that they’re going to drown and die. It’s a shame that the choice between waterboarding and burning with cigarettes has never been offered to Mark because I would guess that, given the choice, he’d be pressing his jiggly parts on the lighted butt lickety-split.

But wait, there’s more. Asano practiced a much more severe form of waterboarding according to the Post:

Twenty-one years earlier, in 1947, the United States charged a Japanese officer, Yukio Asano, with war crimes for carrying out another form of waterboarding on a U.S. civilian. The subject was strapped on a stretcher that was tilted so that his feet were in the air and head near the floor, and small amounts of water were poured over his face, leaving him gasping for air until he agreed to talk.

In waterboarding as it is practiced by the U.S., cellophane or cloth is placed over the subject’s mouth to keep water out of nose and mouth. Asano was pouring water directly into the mouths and noses of subjects which is considerably more harsh and dangerous.

You see the cloth makes it kinder, gentler, more compassionate torture. Of course, this idea that the cloth keeps water out of the mouth and nose of the victim is a bit of nonsense that Hemingway ripped out of his capacious derrière and, if he had two functioning neurons to rub together, Hemingway would know it.

The purpose of the cloth is, in fact, to make it more difficult to breathe while still allowing water into the mouth and the nasal cavity. Here’s a snippet from the Stephen J. Bradbury memo explaining that.

The wet cloth creates a barrier through which it is difficult – or in some cases not possible – to breathe. … Either in the normal application, or where countermeasures are used, we understand that water may enter — and may accumulate in — the detainee’s mouth and nasal cavity, preventing him from breathing. In addition, you have indicated that the detainee as a countermeasure may swallow water, possibly in significant quantities.

Oh, and for what it’s worth, Chinsaku and Iwata used cloths on their victims. Not that this fleshloaf actually cares about the truth.

‘Chicago Ray’ sounds like a bad idea for a pizza place,¹ but he’s a good idea for a guy who yells at liberals on the Internet. Because where, you know, can you find an exceptional blargh of halitotic anger these days? Where can you experience that extra, supraordinary tweet-bird in orbit around the head — one, even, with a tiny tweet-bird of crazy buzzing around its own head?

I mean rhetorically, and not in the absolute sense, but graded on the curve; because all the right-bloggers have stampeded to the extreme, Bircher-ridden edge of Gumdrop Gulch, and have dug in there beclouded, as it were, with orbital finches, yelling at the sun, wearing Big Bird suits and dancing pow-wow style in circles around one another. Blowing the curve flat, in other words.

But like such greats as Adam Yoshida and Pastor Swank, Chicago Ray has what you’d call a natural potential for greatness. By this I mean that he’s not only out of his mind with misdirected anger, but also dumber than a basket of wet socks.

This line has to contain the name ‘Cleveland Sanchez,’ because it said that here before, and there’s already a footnote for it. Welp, let’s see what’s cooking with ol’ Rusty Tromblurpy:²

Chicago Ray:
Napolitano gets "stupider" and "stupider" Each Passing Moment, Time For Her To Go

How this woman got to be a governor much less in charge of the security of the entire United States is anyone’s guess but certainly this has to be the most incredibly stupid cabinet appointments of all times as she is getting roundly bitch slapped from the right wing extremists like myself for comparing the Canadian Border to the Mexican border falsely claiming and insisting 911 hijackers came through Canada…..

Welp, let’s try to take these points one by one.

How this woman got to be a governor much less in charge of the security of the entire United States is anyone’s guess

Oh God, how are we going to guess? If it’s anyone’s guess, that means no one’s guess is better than anybody else’s, and the…

[zeerp] Hello, dum-dums.

Um, greetings, Great Gazoogle. We were wondering how…

Well, dum-dums, after Concrete Blonde broke up, Napolitano tried to do a Natalie Merchant sort of thing, but to no great avail, and long story short, she frumped out into a sensible-shoe lesbian. They say politics is like show business for women with realistic physiques, and true to form, she decided to stay in the biz.

Well that’s great, uh, Great Gazoogle, but we’d really like to know how she became…

Tsk, it must be hard to be you, here in 2012 with a metastasizing hepatocarcinom-oops. Heh, I so did not just say that. Hee.

The…

Oh, several, yes, things happened to Napolitano over the next several years, until she would up facing laughing-boy Matt Salmon, a two-term congressman of Holy Underwear persuasion, in the 2002 Arizona gubernatorial. It was an uphill swim for salmon, in which he blew his whole wad before perishing. A lobbyist before, after, and during the election, the cat got his tongue, and he was in quite a pickle and had to go through some red tape. He now works as a beach comber.

So I “guess” it isn’t “anyone guess” after all, is it?

As you frequently force us to conclude, Great Gazoogle, a wide world of knowledge is ours through the magic of reading. Say, would the…? Rats, he’s gone.

but certainly this has to be the most incredibly stupid cabinet appointments of all times as she is getting roundly bitch slapped from the right wing extremists like myself

Oh right, that.

Enh… Enh… Ennn[POP]. WTF im doin it wrongn

Read the rest of this entry »

BREAKING BORKED! BREAKING BONKING!
MUST [DIS]CREDIT PAM!

Knock-knock, ding-dong. Hi, may I help you? Oh, it’s Pam of Atlas Shrugs, relatively fresh from our making fun of her about the Nazi thing.

Key Witness in Presidential Passport Tampering Case Murdered in 2008, No Arrests

OMG, they are killing people.

Oh no! Not people! That’s what many of our friends are!

Do you remember this curious story during the Presidential election? A couple of months before rumblings began about Obama’s birth circumstances and the discovery that BHO’s COLB (certification of live birth) was a forgery, a story broke in late March 2008 that State Department employees had tampered with the passport files of Barack Obama

This is true for a definition of “[to] tamper” that means “to look at a picture of,” and for a definition of “discovery” like if the Discovery Channel were full of people yelling hysterically about the Skeleton People chasing them on pogo sticks.

And note the phrase, “Obama’s birth circumstances.” It’s like the new, respectable way to mention his birth certificate — for a definition of ‘mention’ that means to step on a glue trap and run flapping around the house arguing with it.

As to us, we are becoming interested in Obama’s birth circumference.

We would like information on his birth circus dances, on the cirque and scision. We would like to see his stiffy kit.

At the time “State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said the violations of McCain and Clinton’s passport files were not discovered until Friday, after officials were made aware of the unauthorized access of…

Let’s skip the next twenty-five or so lines where she blows the lid off what now appears to be an integrated Pakistan Ayers Sex Tour Passport Birth Certificate Conspiracy — if that’s the lid that was flipping when we scanned ahead — to see what she’s talking about with the killing and the people and the thing.

UPDATE: This article is from April 2008 (thanks Slimguy) but I was unaware of the murder. I am just seeing the story. Needless to say – there have been no arrests a year later in this case.

Key witness in passport fraud case fatally shot Washington Times

So he fatally shot the Washington Times. No, okay, so the story was published a year ago, and Pam didn’t notice the date when she launched into…a post whose title says ‘2008’? Because in 2008, Condoleezza Rice was Secretary of State? As in, the one who heads up the State Department? With the passports and the visas and the you-know?

Apparently, it’s still Schmuckuary in Ronkonkamonkama. That’s the thirteenth month of varying length in which people ease into the new year by dating their checks in the safe and tested manner of the previous one. For instance, today is April 22nd, 2008, or the 112th day of Schmuckuary. Ronkonkamonkama is a Long Island town in which people go to the maul.

The bat-mitzvahed Ronka-konkans weah shawt-shawts and carry a pockabook,¹ and of a weekend or a Thursday will gowau ta nikelubs with their swains, young Italian gentlemen in the aspirational Billy Joel sense, having embraced the local version of the funk by trading their gold Star of David bling for those lucky-horn necklaces that the genuine local Italians, with the smaller houses and cooler cars, now regard as some kind of ancient Jewish symbol. A shoal of cutthroat Yuppies roils around them, supporting Thai and recently Vietnamese restaurants (Cambodian/Laotian was gunna be nex if the economy hadden ganunda²), but allowing all the good pizza places to close. Rootfully underneath lies a slightly too warm or cold layer of current and future retirees with aching feet who can’t stand that guy on the TV, what’s his name. Ronkonkamonkama is real, yet never all in one place at once.³ Some say it is inside us, ‘us’ in this case meaning not ourselves specifically, but more like Pam and a lot of other Pams, with their terrier dwogs and their joolery.

Also, it should pique suspicion that it’s a Washington Times story. Also, it has already rattled around the block several times on an old skateboard with rusty metal wheels. Also, it is a recent addition to the notoriously laffy-daffy Obama Body Count. Also, the passport files of John McCain and Hillary Clinton were improperly accessed. Also:

1. The dead guy, whose name was actually Leiutenant Quarles Harris, Jr. (spelled as shown), was supposed to be testifying against some people allegedly involved in a different incident.
2. Welp, I guess that’s that.

Yes, mistakes happen to us all. O hai, Debbie Schlussel:

So much for Obama’s faux “openness.” Why was Lt. Quarles Harris gunned down? What did he know about possible Obama friends in the State Department illegally accessing passport information of opponents?

Wow, that post didn’t stay up long. O hai, Free Republic. To the Freepers, the fact that the story is a year old is highly suspicious, and they hypothesize as to whether it was intentionally misdated or suppressed for a year then retroactively planted back in the record. They notice that there is a a wine called Quarles Harris, and find this highly suspicious:

Either the vintner is non-existent and the listing is a means to pass coded data, or the Lt. is an alias. Perhaps Harris is now relocated to a convenient address and new name so Obamaicde cannot be done on him in exchange for further data forthcoming. One thing is sure, we the people will never know the full truth.

Since it is agreed to fit the profile of an Obamurder, reason suggests that while Obama’s spooks were altering or concealing the incriminating passport data, they would have engineered the credit card scam to help finance Obama’s campaign. The Freepers dig up a photo, discover that Harris was black, and quite reasonably wonder if he was an ACORN agent. A memorial with teddy bears is found suspicious. Court documents are produced and found suspicious. And so on:

Barry’s supposed gay lover in Chicago was also shot near a church, wasn’t he?

Um, maybe.

But that’s odd, through the trees over there, with that wig rising vertically and then descending after a full rotation on the X axis, accompanied by the sound of a slide whistle and then a kettle drum. Yes, that, over there. Look, it just did it again.

OMG, Pam hasn’t even slowed down:
Read the rest of this entry »

ABOVE: “Sink’s fixed, Mr. Corgan.”

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Shorter Some Previously Unnoticed Cob-Nobbler:²

CFO of Freddie Mac commits suicide… Can Anyone Say Vince Foster?

• The CFO of Freddie Mac blew his brains out with a rope in his basement or whatever. Oh boy! Oh boy! Obamurder coverup of Democrat financial sabotage [reaches for Jergens bottle] Whitewater, Whitewater, death rape cocaine Clinton terror Gestap-oooh! [reaches for wankerjack³]

‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

Our phone keeps ringing, but we are simply overextended, wink-nudge, and can’t guarantee a consultation right away.

Please keep trying, and be prepared with your question.

Bungalow Bill asks:

Great minds think alike, and we are finding out more and more each day we can’t trust our government. Why shouldn’t we make these connections? They have a lot to hide, and it scares me sometimes thinking that I might be probing into something I shouldn’t be getting involved in as I write.

The Liberal Police State advises:

Sweetie, trim your nails and you’ll be fine.

Chicago Ray asks:

[T]his shit is already out of control as we go Back to the Future with all the Clinton players back in play again. They are following the script already written since Obama is nothing but a puppet and they’re pulling the strings.

The Liberal Police State advises:

Script or no script, strings or Wonder Woman’s magic lasso, those in the dominant role are responsible for honoring your limits — but YOU are responsible for setting those limits and expressing them clearly. Some stretching is normal and harmless, but “out of control” is your body’s way of telling you it’s time to take a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off from all the “play.”

ptg asks:

Can you picture Rahm Emanuel and Barney Frank pulling on Kellerman’s dangling legs?

The Liberal Police State advises:

Next time press 2, honey. This is advice, not spanky-in-the-hankie. But I’ll just say that Barney Frank pulling on a dangling thing is not something you’re likely to have trouble with, chez Frank — and take that as you may (as the whore said to the bishop). Emanuel? Well, pull the other one. That’s a triple-entendre, by the way, and I don’t recommend those for beginners or the unwary.

Let’s take our next…heh. Well, that’s all we have time for, loll, kuh-thixbay.

[Hanx! The Velvet Blog]