Posted on August 10th, 2009 by Gavin M.
FEDERAL ARREST OF TREASONER OBAMA IS CREDIBLY REPORTED TO OCCUR IN 60 TO 90 DAYS!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
All this time, we’ve been letting the days drop from our Far Side desk calendar and the weeks fly away on their little stylized wings, and even the calendar page of a month come spinning toward the camera, as we sat here covered in cobwebs watching a snail traversing the wall, with an aged paperboy at the door demanding payment in Buffalo nickels and with such gray-and-white wireless kinescope programming on the videogramaphone as DuPont Chemical Presents Little ‘Lectrical Lyceum Featuring Ned Waring — which is back from the old days when you could have picture and sound on your Bendix set, but not both at once, and had to flip the switch to ‘auditory’ when ol’ Waring came on with his orchestra.
Or about 30 seconds beforehand if you were really sharp, because then the 6SJ7 tube would heat up really good and Waring’s Three-Clarinet Threat would roar like ‘t’-total Topsy right out of the streetcar shed. Whoah, I’m telling ya, if you weren’t one of the boys on the base ball squad or glee club, having a feisty flip finger was the ticket to a gandy dance in Popeye pants, and if you weren’t traveling Pullman, you were walkin’, my little company man. I’m talking girdles, which is what we called girls back then before feminism.
Later on, when the automatic switchers came on the sets, you had to be a pair-of-Colts hand on the uke-a-lope, or the Hawaiian banjo, and that was a whole different hau`oli makahiki hou.
No, but if it was a dull night with Waring, some people would flip back to the ‘see’ setting, and that’s how you had the scandal about the giant hooch bottle on the bandstand, after some triple-‘a’ abstainer got bored listening to “Minnetonka Hut-Hut-Hike,” and flipped back to the 6SL7 tube to see Jack ‘Hooch’ Meeber’s bass fiddle case standing up in front of the stage. It’s how you got the rumors that a Negro would come out and replace the lead trumpeter, or that the accordionist would sit down and have a smoke while a fat man with a long beard came out smiling for the solo of “Who Put the Schnitzelbonk in Father Murphy’s Cassock,” wiggling his eyebrows up and down as he squeezed the ol’ steam radiator like some character from the downtown theatre, like the Schmatte Merchant in So Skulnik Becomes a Bridegroom, Already, or Shlemiel in Schlemiel and Schlemazl Become Bridegrooms.
And finally what you heard was that the whole stage would rotate and Waring’s boys would glide off-camera already uncorking their flasks and dealing cards while an ensemble of deepest complexion called Cole Ringer and his High-Stepping Dixie Masons slid into place, counting off numbers like “Apple Dumpling Memories” and “Bim Bam Binky” and performing them with that unusual ferocity for which Waring’s boys were known, while making amused faces in a disrespectful manner. There was a Negro rock music group in the 1970s that depicted this on one of their album covers. High Stepping by Nat Turner Overdrive.
But yes, the flipping-back is also why you always had some fellow at school swearing that ladies would sometimes walk around in swimming suits, only you had to catch it on that certain exact night. Oh I’m telling you, Gus, whatever night you tried it, that wasn’t the one!
Um, what was I…? Oh, all this time, we’ve been laconically flipping cards into a hat as the tired plank of the cuckoo clock hung out presenting the dead mechanical cuckoo bird with its legs in the air and its pink felt tongue hanging out of its upside-down beak, with ‘X’es for eyes no less, lolly-dallying and shillygagging, singing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day — in short, behaving casually in regard to the passing of time — when little did we suspect…
JAG HUNTER here:
Um, that’s the wingnut with the Military.com site award who criticizes the Judge Advocate General’s Corps while sounding like he’s searching for a British luxury car in which to have an extended drinking bout. And/or just plain suggests masturbation.
Reports have been coming in for several days that the IMPOSTOR OBAMA will be placed under federal arrest in anywhere from 60 to 90 days for TREASON!
That was like 40 days ago! With only 20 to 50 days to go!
WELL DONE to AMERICA’S GRAND JURIES!
The narcissistic grandiosity of the wingnut: If you get a few of your friends together, you can arbitrarily decide that you are a grand jury under the full authority of the Constitution, and you can take your anger out on people by legally indicting them for capital crimes — which you will then (somehow, it never fails) find yourselves legally empowered to prosecute as a prosecutor, produce a verdict for as a jury, and also sentence as a judge and then punish using weapons guaranteed you as a private citizen under the Second Amendment.
It never occurs to you, nor does it even make sense to you, that if you were able to sit down with a few people in your den, on the old couch that was rotated out of the living room and the mismatched beige folding chairs from the garage, with or without soft drinks and Chex Party Mix, and declare yourself literally and without irony to be the federal government, then other people would also be able to sit down in their dens and do this to you.
“That’s different!” the wingnut thinks, not understanding that everyone else also thinks that. “Why, that’s just moral relativism,” the wingnut argues, actually meaning ‘universalism,’ which is the precise opposite and the idea that he really despises.
A secret of the wingnut mind is that ‘relativism’ means the false and insulting notion that the pretend people that we encounter in dreams and in works of fiction are equal to ourselves. “You can’t just become the federal government,” the wingnut hears. “What if Screech from Saved By the Bell or Spongebob’s friend Patrick just arbitrarily decided they were the federal government? Would you accept their authority?” “Pff, as if,” he thinks, also meaning so-called ‘real’ citizens and groups that fail the test of reality by neither obeying his commands the way his hands, dog, and sometimes children do, or terrifying him into obeisance the way his boss, wife, and sometimes penis does.
OBAMA’S is to be the first of tens if not hundreds of arrests of OBAMA’S TREASONOUS CRIMINAL ASSISTANTS!
By the new federal government. Because oh, as we’ve seen, the prior so-called Department of Justice was labeling conservatives as ‘right-wing extremists’ and preparing to put them in concentration camps:
OBAMA’s military preparations for OBAMA’S planned deployment of troops into American communities to exercise martial law have been carried out in plain view for months.
The term ‘plain view’ is another of those things that turned treasonous, forcing wingnuts to tense up and grunt and be that thing so that its reality is more in line with actual reality. It now refers to things plainly seen to exist except in the out-there-place with the so-called ‘world’ and the prove-it people who can’t see anything except their own little objective universe.
Details emerging suggest that military commanders are refusing to obey OBAMA’s orders recognizing OBAMA as a TREASONOUS foreign born domestic enemy.
K.P. details, sure, but that’s just the beginning. Before you know it, the very officers ordering them to peel toilets and scrub potatoes with a toothbrush will be like, “Wait a minute, why is Obama issuing orders recognizing Obama as a treasonous foreign-born domestic enemy? It must be some kind of reverse psychology…”
HERE ENDTH THE LESSON!
We waitth with batedth breadth.
Well done to Netty Wisbaum & Mack Ellis!
We’ll have ours rarer, thanks.
