Sadly, No!

It is rumored that angry insiders in the Bush administration are planning a new, well-toned flank in their continuing pre-emptive war on threats to the presidential image. Despite a promise to bring character to the White House, some unnamed and unseen parties plan to crush a prominent critic of the Preznit using a messy-sounding gay smear. Wonkette dishes further:

Am I insinuating the administration might have a double standard because they seem to trust another high-level national security officer who is also gay? Yes.

Mary, clutch the pearls! It’s a historical given that Rethugs are entitled to more closet space than us ordinary schmucks in the peasantry. It’s one of the perks Republican God gave the RNC for the good work they do thumping their bibles on the dispossessed to bruise them good. But has our culture finally become so rotten that even the leaders of the Republican Faith are expected to live by the morality they go on and on (and on) about?

Can someone as powerful Condi Rice be threatened with exposure as a big gay lez? Nothing arches an eyebrow more perfectly than an unmarried middle-aged woman with no apparent interest in men except to boss them in a martial setting like a wartime cabinet or as Commissioner of the NFL. I’d always assumed that, as a Rethug, Condi was untouchable by the media (or just plain untouchable.) Bwuh? Oh, Wonkette has more …

And we were going to try to be all subtle about it, but since it seems to be an open secret around D.C. . . . the other gay in the White House is George Bush.

I knew it. I mean, how terrible of Wonkette to take it upon herself to out him as the GOP’s Capo di Tutti Frutti. Now all of Punditstan will be running this up the pole repeatedly, using a firm but gentle grip until it goes off in someone’s face. No doubt they’ll fixate on frivolous little details of the Capo’s life(style), adding them to an ever-growing circumstantial case until it makes big gay sense.

Stuff like noted fagologist Betty Bowers’ study of Bush’s well known predilection for saying fabulous, planting in people’s minds the unsettling notion that a complicit media, at the direction of the RNC, scrubbed the public record of times he’s slipped and said “faboo“.

Or the time Preznit Butch cornered visiting Canadian aide Scott Reid like Oscar Wilde in prison and got all De Profundis on the pert, twinkish squire’s face by telling him he was darn purdy. Astonished Canadians had to nuance their view of the big Homo No-Sapiens as a run-of-the-mill moron with the added information that he might be gay too. Possibly the whispering campaign will gain steam as people notice HRH frequently relaxing his implausible regular guy pose into way-gay moments such as these. (Captions are from a fictitious gossip magazine):

(Left) Who can keep up a straightish appearance around special huggy-bear friends like Hosni Mubharek? (Middle) The crown jewel of the UK trip was escorting soigne? Tony Blair to his favorite gay Irish pub, Sodom and Begorrah. (Right) Strapping on a slutty push-up boy-bra and parading the First Ween down the deck of the SS Lincoln like a prize showdog was seen by some as a gayish moment.

But wouldn’t it be just like enemies of the ambiguously gay Bush/Dick duo to hurt them with a pre-emptive whispering campaign? Anonymous chatterers can slime without getting any on themselves. Well I, for one, am against such tactics and hope prominent Rethugs like Texas Governor Rick Perry and congressman Mark Foley (R-FLAboo) make strong public statements defending the Preznit’s alleged heterosexuality before the mainstream media heads full bore down that dark alley.

With a Log Cabin brigade still simmering about being thrown over the side of the SS Bushtanic to placate the country’s homophobic region, the Ugly Vinyl Belt, this purge could rival the post DOMA outings for drama. That one flung open the doors of Washington closets and yanked out the innies, kicking and screaming all the way. Let’s make sure that the first victim in this gauche campaign for administration transparency isn’t the First Victim.

Part 2 of Sadly No’s expos? of the campaign to out the Prancer in Chief will dispute a particularly compelling aspect of the circumstantial case that he’s a Nancy boy: how he seeks the counsel and protection of a lot of eerily masculine women.

(A) Karen Hughes, potential stump contestant for the popular online game, Lesbian or German Lady? (Lez play!); (B) Condi “Lezmati” Rice; (C) Victoria “Worst Drag Ever” Clarke; (D) Rotten lesbo prose writer Lynne “Dutch” Cheney

Part 3 will attempt to explain anomalies from Lost Boy’s spotty ’72-’73 record, such as, how the hell did he get a reputation for slipping it to the ladies when by his own admission he was, as the Dead Kennedys put it, Too Drunk to Fuck? Some say he was the “lady” being slipped.

Parts 4 through 853 will address circumstances as they arise in context with developing news.

If I can dispute this ugly White House whispering campaign before it strips our Glorious Leader down to nothing but a dollar-bill stuffed codpiece and assless chaps, then it’s a small step towards repaying the big gay homos I know for plying me with really good food and drink. (It’s always the good stuff too, never the scuzzy bottle I bring for the host, which s/he reserves for disinfecting wounds and unclogging drains.)

Gentlethings, start your VCRs/TIVOs:

Tuesday (03/30/04) on the Daily Show, truth Jedi Richard Clarke, who has been pilloried by the Bush attack machine for writing and flogging a book drops by to wreak more havoc.

Wednesday, Jon Stewart meets imperial chin-wiper Karen Hughes, there to flog her new book before returning to her old role at court, checking the First Closet for gay monsters before the Emperor goes sleepy-boo and removing stray spinach from the First Teeth at photo-ops.

Air America kicks off at noon tomorrow (03/31/04) with an inaugural program lineup that promises a breathable alternative to the oppressive odor of hypocrisy streaming from the vents of hatewing radio. Lizz Winstead, the co-creator of the Daily Show, is on the network’s creative team and will co-host the morning show with rapper Chuck D, ex-Public Enemy. Evildoer al Franqen goes up against Big PharmBoy Limbaugh in drivetime and Garofalo has the evening slot. Air America will be coming to you live, on satellite and on the web (bookmark it!)

• New York: WLIB 1190 AM
• Los Angeles: KBLA 1580 AM
• Chicago: WNTD 950 AM
• Portland OR: KPOJ 620 AM
• Island Empire CA: KCAA 1050AM
• San Francisco: Coming Soon
• XM Satellite Radio: Channel 167 (national)

In the meantime, you can check out MSNBC’s article on al Franqen and hear an audio interview with the evildoer and Java-Jump to audio links for the O’Franken Factor and Air America from there tomorrow. Grandma Times also profiled al Franqen recently.

Apparently, he was a collegiate wrestler (like fellow lefty terrier Howard Dean.) This explains their successful strategy in taking down big hulking lummoxes from the powerful hatewing of the right. Sure, a warrior of destiny like the Jedi Dick Clarke can train in secret for thirty years before taking one shot at the jugular and his aim be pure and true, but if you’re a fireplug without a high end light saber, you gotta go for the nutlock, even with — perhaps especially with — the likes of stAnn Coulter. Then stand back and watch goony blubber like a big girl’s blouse.

Update: A reader posts that Atrios will be a guest on Garofalo’s opener, definitely a harbinger of change from the unremitting crapfest that’s the Worst Administration Ever. I’m wonder who the vaunted Grey Turtleneck of Justice takes down first. (Thanks, Aaron!)

Todays theme: “We are a NeoCon-Christian nation which believes that criticizing President Bush in wartime is treason. We also believe that women should be rich and stay home with the kids, and that everybody has a right to sell their kidneys. We also hold this truth to be self-evident: that everybody at U.C. Wilmington but Mike Adams is a stupid, liberal poopiehead.”

Dennis Prager

America is a Judeo-Christian country, meaning that the founders were Christians who liked Jewishness.

Vast numbers of Americans took Hebrew names — like Benjamin Franklin and Cotton Mather (kattan in Hebrew means “little one” or “younger”).

And just as the Jews believe they are the Chosen People, America thinks it’s the Chosen Country — that’s why we don’t think we need any stinkin’ U.N permission to blow up whoever the hell we want. And that’s why the Iraqi war is a just war — because God says so.

That is why those who most affirm Judeo-Christian values believe that war, while always tragic, is on more than a few occasions a moral duty. Nothing “Judeo” ever sanctioned pacifism.

Thomas Sowell

If Thomas were running for President, this would be his platform:

1. There will be only two Cabinet-level departments: Defense and State (“with the latter purged of the weak-kneed internationalist crowd who have dominated it for so long”).
2. No more goverment money for anyone making over $100,000 a year.
3. We will use the savings to pay members of Congress a salary of a million a year. Or $10 million a year — whatever it takes to get politicans who can run a goverment with only two departments.
4. Free kidneys for everyone!

With all the money saved by ending vast numbers of subsidies, the government could afford to pay the kinds of salaries that would attract highly qualified people from the private sector. For example, if every member of Congress were paid a million dollars a year, that would cost less than one percent of what it costs to run the Department of Agriculture.

Jack Kemp

Why is Richard Clarke saying mean things about the Bush administration’s handling of terrorism, when even he admits that Bush didn’t crash those airplanes into those buildings?

Some people have suggested he is motivated by “sour grapes” at best or greed at worst. Other people suggest that he is motivated by vengeance for having been demoted by the Bush administration and kept from the inner circles of power in which he had become accustomed to moving.

And some people, like Kemp, suggest that Clarke is a vengeful closet queen by titling their column, “Hell Hath No Fury.”

But Kemp says that he actually belives that Clarke thinks that invading Iraq was “such an enormous mistake” that he’s trying to bring down the President. And in a time of war, that’s basically treason.

I am profoundly concerned. Clarke’s accusations that the Bush administration did not take terrorism as a serious enough threat prior to 9-11 could undermine the president’s ability to carry on the war on terrorism if sufficient doubt is cast in the mind of the American public.

Mike Adams

Mike is being oppressed by U.C. Wilmington. It seems that he was called into the principal’s office and told that he had made a colleague uncomfortable by discussing his weekly columns in the workplace. Of course, all of Mike’s weekly columns are about how everybody else at U.C. Wilmington is a loony/lesbo/Commie/fascist/weenie, so one can see how a colleague might get sick of Mike’s whining, and file a harassment complaint about him. But since Mike has a First Ammendment right to be a big jerk, he got even with them all by making a list of all the times they made HIM feel uncomfortable — it’s not only the perfect revenge, it makes scintillating reading for everybody else in the country.

Then there are all the times that the name Jesus Christ has been used as a form of profanity in the office. That makes me feel uncomfortable. By the way, I am especially offended by the phrase ?Jesus F***ing Christ!? I mean, no one ever says ?Mo-F***ing-Hammed!? or ?F***ing Buddha!,? do they?

Suzanne Fields

Being an upper-middle-class stay-at-home mother is the trendy, new thing to do this year! All the smart, hip women are quitting work so they can spend their days having coffee with their friends while they discuss art, literature, and politics; they make this sacrifice for the good of their babies. Being infertile or having to work in order to support your kids is soooo last year.

We even have new words to describe old, once-familiar things. “Cocooning,” the making of cozy nests presided over by wives determined to protect their husbands and their children from chill winds blowing in from the cold outside, has given way to “hiving.” Hiving is turning the home into a beehive, a busy place of domestic industry presided over by a queen bee ready to deliver a nasty sting to anyone who attempts to disturb the peace and serenity of her hive.

It’s Revenge of the BeeGirls 2004, starring Michelle Malkin, Danielle Crittenden, and Meghan Cox Gurdon! And fortunately, since being a wealthy houswife is now all the rage, the Wall Street Journal and Madison Avenue are helping to make these brave women’s lives easier.

The Wall Street Journal surveys the new housewares that make life inside the hive more fun, or at least less inconvenient to the queen bee: Toastit Toaster Bags, to make grilled-cheese sandwiches without leaving “muss” in the toaster; Snap-Saver No-Brainer Containers, with lids that snap to the bottom of the plastic cups to help a forgetful mom to remember where she put them; and the disposable Scrub ‘N Flush brush to keep the toilet squeaky clean.

Of course, the biggest convenience for these Queen Bees are nannies, the worker bees of the hive.

David Limbaugh

Just because Bush dressed up in a flight suit and was a passenger in a jet which landed on a battleship where a “Mission Accomplished” banner was flying, the Democrats accused Bush of politicizing the war. And they also complained of “politicizing” when he used his successful record as Commander in Chief (as shown by that ad with the body of the 9/11 victim) as part of his re-election campaign.

But it’s really the DEMOCRATS who are politicizing the war, by criticizing the President’s handling of it. Which is treason, in that it “undermines our cause.” And anyway, they’re just jealous.

The Democrats have presidential military leadership envy. They just can’t stand that President Bush has so masterfully taken the war to the terrorists.

And that concludes our TownHall Tribute for today. But if you have criticized the President’s handling of the war on terrorism or read Richard Clarke’s book, please turn yourself in to the FBI for treason. And if you want Thomas Sowell to be President so you can snag one of those $10 million a year congressional jobs, you’ll have to convince your conservative friends to vote for Sowell instead of Bush come November.

Speaking on behalf of the Sacred Head of the National Faith, Bush disciples have attacked Candidate Kerry for the heresy of quoting scripture in church without the prior consent of the Bush/Lord 04 campaign. (Slogan: Vote for us or go to Hell.)

After revealing that he wasn’t elected but placed in the White House by God (a longtime Republican) Bush’s disciples have determined that God, faith, morality, patriotism, democracy, freedom and compassion are sole properties of the Republican Faith. Use of any of these terms explicitly or in casual reference is expressly forbidden to parties outside the Republican faith, what with preachifying being a considerable part of their current campaign.

It is unclear what punishment Bush and his disciples plan to hand down to the infidel Kerry but it promises to be eternal, or at least feel that way.

Last week Condi Rice showed herself willing to lie riotously for the cameras, but shy as a woodland faun when invited to spew the same egregious crap under oath. The administration is selecting and distorting statements made by Richard Clarke under oath (that are unavailable for public scrutiny) and threatening Clarke with all sorts of punishment. I wonder if their panicky avoidance of taking an oath themselves is being amplified by awareness of how deeply wrong it is to be doing what they’re doing right now.

[RICHARD] CLARKE: This is the president of the United States’ writing. And when they’re engaged in character assassination of me, let’s just remember that on January 31, 2003 [he wrote]: “Dear Dick, you will be missed. You served our nation with distinction and honor. You have left a positive mark on our government.” This is not the normal typewritten letter that everybody gets. This is the president’s handwriting.

He thinks I served with distinction and honor. The rest of his staff is out there trying to destroy my professional life, trying to destroy my reputation, because I had the temerity to suggest that a policy issue should be discussed. What is the role of the war on terror vis-a-vis the war in Iraq? Did the war in Iraq really hurt the war on terror? Because I suggest we should have a debate on that, I am now being the victim of a taxpayer-paid — because all these people work for the government — character assassination campaign. (03/28/04, Meet the Press)

First the Bush administration said that Condi wasn’t allowed to testify under oath because tradition prevented National Security Advisor(s) from appearing before a Congressional body. When it was proven that tradition has, indeed, given such permission in the past, BushCo looked elsewhere to pass this particular buck.

Then BushCo claimed that Condi wasn’t allowed to testify under oath because presidential advisors had to be assured of confidentiality. Yet even while making that wobbly case, they were exposing advisor Richard Clarke’s identity as an unnamed source in a background briefing on behalf of the White House, said exposure for nothing more urgent than bolstering the administration’s intent to smear him as inconsistent. (The hypocrisy of trying to smear him with a past briefing given on their orders to make their case apparently continues to elude most media.)

If this sacred confidentiality can be dispensed for nothing more urgent than a drive-by administration smear, surely it can be dispensed for their testimony before the 911 commission.

The Bush administration then said that Condi couldn’t testify because White House counsel Alberto Gonzalez advised against it. September 11th has long been the President’s excuse for flouting civility, ethics, tradition, good taste, decades of foreign policy and of course, law:

“International law? I better call my lawyer; he didn’t bring that up to me.” – George W. Bush, responding sarcastically [12/21/03] to a question about U.S. policy in Iraq violating international law (12/22/03 Newsweek)

Suddenly, he is paralyzed with respect for the law and reveals Alberto Gonzalez to be the most powerful person in the world? Please.

The latest excuse is that they don’t want to reveal intelligence methods and sources, as it might compromise national security. Fair enough, even with the reek of insincerity that comes from this being their latest rather than first excuse. (What, tradition is their marquee center and national security, the last scrub on the bench?) There’s still a considerable public record of events that need ‘splainin, though. They don’t necessarily have to go into spook territory to answer, What the fuck were you thinking???? Here are a few of examples of WTF situations:

Prior to Sept. 11, 2001, The Manchester Guardian calculated that Mr. Bush, in his first seven months of office spent 42 percent of his time on holiday, “a whopping 54 days at his Texas ranch, 38 days at the presidential retreat at Camp David and four more at his parents’ place in Kennebunkport, Maine.”

That changed when the job became fundamentally more serious after the terrorist attacks. But Mr. Bush still rests, although his month-long retreat of August 2001 – the longest presidential vacation in 32 years – is no longer politically prudent while the war on terrorism is being waged. (03/18/04 CBS/Kuhn)

Even when not on leisure time, the public record already shows several instances of inaction and neglect of the issue of terrorism:

[RICHARD] CLARKE: [A]fter Tenet had been briefing [Bush] day after day after day after day about an al-Qaeda threat, the president said, in May, “Well, let’s, you know, get a strategy.” That’s the only thing I ever heard that he got involved in personally. And when he said that, Dr. Rice called me and said, “The president wants a strategy.” And I said, “Well, you know the strategy was what I sent you on January 25, and it’s been stuck in these low-level committees.” And she said, “Fine. I’ll deal with that.” Well, she didn’t deal with it until September.

And, interestingly enough, the president never said after that May conversation, “Where’s the strategy?” And, again, if you go back to what the president himself says to Bob Woodward, he said, “I knew there was a strategy in the works. But I didn’t know how mature the plan was.” He’s saying this on September 11. He didn’t know where the strategy was. The strategy that he had asked for in May? He’d never come back and asked where it was. You know, basically, it wasn’t an urgent issue for them before September 11. … They held interim meetings, but they never actually decided anything before September 11. (03/28/04, Meet the Press)

Clarke is apparently referring to Bush (on May 8, 2001) entrusting Cheney to head the Office of National Preparedness section of FEMA to coordinate federal programs for responding to domestic attacks.(NYT 07/08/02, reg) Apparently this task force never met or if it did, it’s one of the secrets in Cheney’s bulging vault.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D) and Sen. Jon Kyl (R) sent a copy of draft legislation on counterterrorism and national defense to Vice President Cheney?s office on July 20. On September 10, 2001, they were told by Cheney?s top aide “that it might be another six months before he would be able to review the material.” CNN Interactive Timeline

So as of September, 2001, the strategy supposedly set in action in May (and the loop Cheney claims didn’t include Clarke) still wasn’t active. The commission already has a record of appalling examples of inaction in 2001, as they’ve already been documented in the public record. BushCo’s attempt to avoid public testimony under oath follows their cheesy history of dodging accountability — only this time they’d face indictments if they try to lie about it.

The Center for American Progress has a sourced rap sheet exposing the Condi-Lies.

Update: Apologies if anyone experienced stalling or problems with the links. I boneheadedly uploaded a draft rather than my rewrite and tried to fix stuff online. I am willing to testify about it under oath.

Further to the Sunday Dogfight Schedule, appearing on NPR’s All Things Considered Saturday, Richard Clarke made the White House look like even bigger scumbags by urging them to declassify the documents they claim show Clarke is a liar — but which they won’t let the public see just yet.

In case you missed the latest mudslinging from the character-ridden GOP, here’s the recap: On Friday, Bush Fedayeen leaders in congress came forward to continue the attacks on Richard Clarke and give Condi Rice some time to hyperventilate into a brown paper bag while Washington’s finest put out the five alarm blaze roaring through all of her pants.

On the Senate floor, Bill Frist essentially accused Clarke of perjury by threatening to investigate him for any perjury that could be found in past congressional testimony under oath, such perjurious morsels the White House would then helpfully declassify, with advance copies going to Fox. (This is what’s known as the Preznit being above the fray.) Ludicrously, while accusing Clarke of inconsistency, Frist couldn’t keep his own story straight. (See Atrios, TPM and Corrente for a comprehensive overview. Also, check out Kevin Drum’s ongoing roll of how many times the Bush administration has used selective declassification for smearing critics, a vital aspect of the War on Terra and Stuff.)

Here’s an excerpt from Clarke’s appearance on All Things Considered:

{Intro: … Republican congressional leaders said they wanted the WH to declassify past congressional testimony by Clarke, hoping the documents would show he lied. Clarke spoke to NPR’s Libby Lewis about the documents in question …}

…

CLARKE: I’d love to have not only my testimony but all the materials and documents related to this investigation declassified, and that’s both my testimony before the joint commission, the joint committee of the House and Senate, and also the document that the 9/11 commission referred to in its interim report, the document I sent to Condi Rice early in the administration in January.

Now they say, the White House says, the document doesn’t exist. Obviously it does because the commission staff has seen it and reported on it publicly. I think that document ought to be released too.

I’d like to be able to have the public compare what I gave her in January and what she then approved and the other principles approved on September 4th, because they’re virtually identical. So if we’re going to start declassifying materials, let’s not do it selectively. Let’s declassify my entire testimony, all 196 pages of it, or whatever it is, and let’s also declassify those two key documents

…

CLARKE: The truth is a powerful force. If I can get people to look at the facts, if I can get people to put aside the personal attacks and innuendo and whatnot, and focus on the policy issues — Is the United States safer or not? Did going into Iraq help or hurt the war on terrorism? — if we can get it back to that level of debate than I think it’ll be worth it.

What a bastard!

I transcribed the short interview and archived here. Download the text file or link to the HTML document.

(Note: It will be interesting to compare what emerges from Clarke’s appearance on Press the Meat against Condi’s appearance later on 60 Minutes. Condi’s interview was taped yesterday, so perhaps a lie counter or drinking game might be in order. I’ll be filching mass quantities of Seb’s Jagermeister as I can no longer understand this administration sober.)

Update: I corrected my use of principles in the transcripts to principals (thanks, Frederick!). Also, I’ve read conflicting information about whether Condi Rice’s interview on 60 Minutes was pre-taped, or will be broadcast live tonight. I’d find it enthralling regardless, but if it’s live it would be riveting in a white Ford Bronco making a run for it kind of way.

Update: Rice interview is being taped, but after Clarke’s journey through Punditstan, giving Condi the benefit of rebuttal with crib notes.

It’s time for another wacky adventure on “Everybody Loves Doug Giles.” Today we find Doug advising the Beav on how to succeed in the hipster coffee house we call life. It involves a little something called the Bible, Daddy-O.

The times in which we?re living are darker than Rob Zombie listening to the Insane Clown Posse in Jimmy Page?s dungeon? or something like that.

And we start out with one of those meta-culture based metaphors for which Doug is deservedly famous. But even he is getting unsure about what they mean.

The fact that our current cruddy culture is doing things that make demons blush takes no great insight for the honest person to perceive.

Our culture is really rotten, and that’s why we should make numerous references to it in each of our sermons — to show the kids that we’re down with their “acid rock” and “Richard Grieco,” and thus prove we are cool, so they will believe us when we say how rotten our current culture really is.

The thing that confronts us, the subject about which I get several hundred e-mails every week is: ?What can the young, God and country loving American do, to help turn this nation around before it slams solidly into a brick wall.?

Doug gets several hundred emails a week? And they all ask him about brick walls? Is he being major-spammed or what? (It would be fun to send him several hundred emails asking, “What can the young, God-and-country loving Wile E. Coyote do to catch the Roadrunner before slamming solidly into a brick wall?” but it would probably cause us to get in trouble with our Internet provider.)

My advice is to go back to a time in history when things sucked worse than a vacuum cleaner powered by a GE jet engine, look to see who/what remedied that particularly dilapidated situation and repeat their principles of change.

2600 hundred years ago four Hebrew lads, namely, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego were taken captive into Babylon.

Hey, that’s not history, that’s the Old Testament! And they didn’t have vacuum cleaners then! And Daniel and the Chan Clan didn’t keep Babylon from slamming into a brick wall, since it fell over 2500 years ago — numerous times.

They were stripped of everything that was sacred to them. They were tempted more sorely than a 15 year old Baptist boy at a Beyonce concert, and they were force fed an anti-theistic culture.

So Kyle Williams has been sending Doug emails, complaining about how the harlot Beyonce has been tempting him to touch himself on his tingly places.

Oh, and I believe Babylon gave us many important advances is agriculture, art, architecture, astronomy, law, etc. Which proves that maybe “anti-theistic” cultures can be a GOOD thing.

What follows is a very brief and crude exposition of five of the seven habits of these highly effective Jewish 20-somethings, as recorded in Daniel chapter one of the Bible. Daniel?s experience serves as an example of how the young, traditional God-fearing American can begin to position himself for positive influence in our increasingly secular society. If you want a fully fleshed out version, check out my latest book RULING IN BABYLON.

But if you want all the insider secrets on how to achieve mega-sucess in a society that’s playing Chinese fire drill in Sid Vicious’ jockstrap while Janis Joplin fixes gyros, then you should attend Daniel and Meshach’s Personal Growth 3000 Seminar! (Sadly, the group broke up over a Japanese woman, and now Abed-nego won’t speak to any of the others. And Shadrach died in a mysterious auto accident two years ago. So, it’s just a fab twosome now. But of course, Daniel was always the big draw, being the front man, so it’s not like the two missing group members have hurt ticket sales.)

Anyway, here’s an edited version of Doug’s “Rocking to the oldies” success plan:

1. Get a life. Daniel and his buddies were not passive blame-shifting slack-jawed dweebs who prolonged their infancy by living prodigally within an extended therapeutic womb. [snip] We must get out of bed, turn off MTV, change our underwear and move out of mummy?s house. Let?s buy an alarm clock, set it and begin to make things happen.

Daniel and his friends were brought into King’s household under an “EEO internship for Hebrews plan,” so, they didn’t “get a life” all on their own. But they did presumably turn off MTV and change their underwear from time to time.

2. Look good. Unless you?re a rock star, custom chopper builder, or a barista at Starbuck?s, you might want to think twice about tattooing your shaved skull.

Will do, Doug. But I hear there’s good money in being a Starbuck’s barista. And some of those custom chopper builders make over $100K a year. And reportedly “rock star” is one of America’s best-paying professions. It does indeed make me think twice about that tattoo/shaved skull thing.

3. Get smart. The greatest commandment in the scripture is to love God with all your heart, soul, MIND and strength. Those who purport to be connected to the God of the Bible should not have an IQ lower than Beavis and Butthead. Anti-intellectualism is a scandal and a sin. For the traditional conservative American it is not only a sin because it is a refusal to treat with gravity the great commandment; it is also a scandal because it keeps the community from taking one seriously.

You know, like how everyone takes Doug “Crack Night in the Ferret Cage” Giles seriously.

4. Understand worldviews. Unless young conservatives are intellectually equipped to understand and defend a traditional biblical worldview against the secular humanism, Marxism and Islamic weltanschauung fired at them on a 24/7/365 basis in the college classroom and via the media elite?s excretions ? we?re Spam.

Wow, young conservatives get German secular/humanistic/Islamic world views thrown at them every hour of every day? When do the poor dears sleep?

I guess they don’t — they stay up all night emailing Doug about brick walls. Which explains the mention of Spam.

5. Serve somebody. Another way to adjust our secularly altered states is by serving somebody.

It may be the devil, or it may be the Lord, but you have to serve somebody. (But if it’s the devil, don’t tell Doug about it, ’cause he’d freak.)

As much as I am a wholehearted proponent of debate ? sometimes ? no, a lot of the time ? we should shut up and lend a practical hand. The more we help an ?at risk kid? with his homework, a needy single mom get a roof over her head, a teenager dying of leukemia in his last days at a children?s hospital or playing black jack with some great granddads at a retirement home, the more we balance our rhetoric with reality.

Okay, that part is actually good advice. Doug, I commend you for getting off the drugs long enough to write something that made sense.

My ClashPoint is this: The grand ascent of Daniel and his compadres was as a result of giving God their utmost for His highest. Along with their deep spirituality, they became young leaders who were physically fit and well versed in all manner of knowledge. They were brilliant servants who were 10 times greater than all the resident slugs in Babylon.

And they got thrown into a furnace, while the slugs just got salted.

My advice to the young traditional conservative American is: follow the simple instructions on your shampoo bottle: lather, rinse and repeat. Lather, rinse and repeat Daniel?s actions, and watch how you will rise to a place of authority in our Babylonian culture.

Yes, lather up with Daniel and his friends, and you will go far, young conservative! Hey, you could even become President of Babylon — or at least get a Halliburton contract to rebuild it after we invade it this summer.

And that, my young conservative buddies, is a big mene, mene, tekel, upsharsin.

On deck:

Richard Clarke (Press the Meat)
Condi Rice (60 Minutes)

I’m looking forward to seeing so-called bulldog Tim Russert get mauled by a real one. I’m also taping 60 Minutes to see if Condi spontaneously combusts when she gets asked a real journalistic question, eg, “Are you on crack or what?”

“I would say anybody in the world who has not ordered troops into battle based on getting rid of someone?s nonexistent weapons of mass destruction can joke about weapons of mass destruction.” (Al Franken, 03/26/04)

“I keep sort of a running tab on the number of public officials or corporate officials who are forced to apologize on a regular basis for awkward attempts at humor. It?s an instrument that is best handled by professionals, much like scalpels and other sharp tools.” (Harry Shearer, 03/26/04)

I’d be more inclined to write off the Prez of Comedy’s WMD bit as simple bad taste if his remarks didn’t signify a world leader’s dissociation from appalling situations that he created, and worsening by the day. What Bush’s enablers conveniently forget is that the amount of destruction he unleashed didn’t create the shiny-penny democracy they keep saying exists. Instead, he’s put Iraq on the brink of civil war or becoming a hardline theocracy.

And no, Saddam wouldn’t still be in power otherwise. Had the UN inspectors been allowed to complete their work, the lifting of sanctions would have occurred with world military and civilian support behind UN-supervised elections planned for the Fall of 2003. Instead, we have this:

Iraq’s top Shi’ite cleric may issue a religious edict declaring the June U.S. transfer of power to Iraqis illegal if an interim constitution article is not amended, a close aide said in remarks published on Saturday.

“If article 61 of the interim constitution is not changed, Imam (Ayatollah Ali) al-Sistani may issue a fatwa declaring illegitimate all those (Iraqis) to whom power is transferred in June,” said Ayatollah Mohammad Baqer al-Mohri.

Sistani “may also order the Iraqi people to protest or carry out major popular demonstrations and sit-ins in all Iraqi cities,” added Mohri. […]

Washington has been pushing for progress on the constitution and the make-up of a new government in order to meet a June 30 deadline to hand over sovereignty.

Mohri also urged the United Nations and the U.S.-run Coalition Provisional Authority running Iraq not to disagree with Sistani, “or else there will be pandemonium in Iraq, and protests and chaos will be widespread.” (03/27/04 Reuters)

The Al-Jazeera report adds the detail:

Sistani had complained that veto guarantees enshrined in the constitution could constrain the power of the Shia. He also says a proposed three-person presidential council, comprised of a Shia, a Sunni and a Kurd, is a recipe for religious and ethnic squabbling.

What’s particularly alarming is that the handy N/S geographical divisions of the parties increases the likelihood of civil conflict drawing in Turkey from the north, and/or Iran from the south. (Bush: Ain’t I a stinker?)

Despite a big buildup that drew a mob of world press to the region with promises of kickass footage and a sensational capture or two, the administration’s Spring Product announced late last year is another disaster. Pakistan’s hunt for bin Laden has mobilized hardline sentiment in the country and dismayed Musharef’s moderate opposition.

[Pakistan’s military spokesman Shaukat] Sultan said the operation in Pakistan’s semiautonomous tribal areas had been successful. … But observers critical of the massive military sweep called it a political failure, citing the high number of troop casualties and officials’ failure to capture any so-called “high-value targets.”

The deployment has drawn criticism from Islamic hard-liners and opposition politicians, who have capitalized on widespread anti-U.S. sentiment. …

Musharraf, speaking on Pakistan Television, defended the operation Saturday, insisting that the militants in the tribal areas are a threat to the nation. (03/27/04 AP/Pennington)

Look, everyone’s entitled to test their chops at open mic night. I just don’t think Bush should be doing WMD bits when terrorists are closer than ever to acquiring them, not in Iraq, where they never were, but in Pakistan, where illicit availability has improved (as it has with many other shady new best friends of the Preznit’s.) In case he’s still not giving a shit, al Zawahiri just released a tape urging Muslims to overthrow the Musharef government that’s even less funny than the Preznit’s WMD bit or the Jerky Boys.

I’m wondering when the SCLM will get around to asking why his self-proclaimed mission to spread democracy seems to be turning two secular states into theocracies — one of them with nukes. (Three if you include Shit Midas’ domestic influence.) Not even a peep about it.

Crazy Howard Dean’s official endorsement of John F. Kerry kicked off with some fist pumping and a lusty yell, but it was nearly overshadowed by several exciting endorsements for the ?ber-straight Bush/Dick ticket. The SCLM, which dubbed Dean a screaming lunatic after he raised his voice to be heard over a chanting crowd and for saying the capture of Saddam Hussein didn’t make us safer, hasn’t yet weighed in on the new Bush/Dick endorsements, so apologies if I can’t provide a more comprehensive overview of this important development.

The KoolAid Kids are recovering from the kind of hangovers that would come from drinking enough hooch to find humor in Commander Codpiece’s schtick about not finding the WMDs — whoopsie — that in his view necessitated causing tens of thousands of deaths, maimings, irreparable environmental harm and as yet incalculable damage from DU and unexploded ordnance. For future reference, here’s a short list of White House correspondents[see Update] to query for explanations of this hip new war/maiming/apocalyptic destruction humor. Some total buzzkill didn’t like the routine. Maybe grumblepuss should have stuck around for the President Shecky’s bit mimicking various horrific symptoms frail seniors have when they don’t take various unaffordable meds.

The official Bush/Dick campaign site informs us that the important Sports Mascot endorsement has begun pouring in. Rather, one has: the University of Louisville Cardinal, pictured here showing off “support on campus for President Bush!” The official media event with another plush endorsement, the Crawford Chickenhawk, had to be cancelled when the latter failed to show up as scheduled. A mascot search party later found the Chickenhawk lying in a pool of its own filth, its piss-soaked pants around its ankles and its beak buried in a lavish mound of blow (est. street value $250K). The Chickenhawk came to long enough to say he didn’t remember his 72-hour bender, but he was sure his predecessor was responsible.

The Bush/Dick 04 campaign has also received the coveted formal endorsement of the terrorist group, the Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades, which claimed responsibility for the Madrid bombings:

The statement said it supported President Bush in his reelection campaign, and would prefer him to win in November rather than the Democratic candidate John Kerry, as it was not possible to find a leader “more foolish than you (Bush), who deals with matters by force rather than with wisdom.”

In comments addressed to Bush, the group said: “Kerry will kill our nation while it sleeps because he and the Democrats have the cunning to embellish blasphemy and present it to the Arab and Muslim nation as civilization.”

“Because of this we desire you (Bush) to be elected.” (Reuters 03/17/04)

And why not? BushCo’s approach to foreign policy is a recruiting bonanza and fund-raising goldmine for terrorists.

Does the US appear any more lame as an honest defender of democracy and freedom than when continuing to berate longtime allies for being right about WMDs, but excusing Pakistan’s nuclear lawn sale — potentially to terrorist groups — in exchange for an election campaign boost from the al Zawahiri hunt?

I don’t have the same twist-tie reclosable bag of plastic soldiers Commander Codpiece uses in formulating his military strategies so I may be out of line in suggesting that maybe … just maybe … announcing the Spring Osama/al Zwahiri hunt last year to build the hype for the Iraq invasion anniversary might, just might, be why the guy got away. Just throwing shit out here …

Meanwhile, in other whackjob endorsement news …

The Bush-Cheney campaign unveiled a new weapon Wednesday in its re-election campaign … [Sen. Zell] Miller who is retiring from the Senate this year, will make the case that Kerry’s policies are inconsistent with some of history’s most popular Democratic presidents.

Miller, a Georgian who is the lone Democratic senator publicly to back Bush’s re-election bid, made the attack against Kerry in a speech announcing his leadership of a national “Democrats for Bush” effort. He was joined by a handful of lesser-known Democrats. The Bush-Cheney campaign said it would release a more comprehensive list in the coming weeks, but on Wednesday released a list of 99 Democrats from 27 states and the District of Colombia as the group’s charter members. (Faux 03/25/04)

Bush still hasn’t released a complete list of that mysterious coalition of the willing who are contributing so much to the occupation of Iraq, but when this Dem-support list does surface, you can bet it will be in terms of combined raw population, GDP and burger flipping manufacturing jobs.

Should Bush/Dick be successful in its reelection bid, sports mascots, terrorists and tranny Dems will replace vanished fiscal Republicans and Log Cabin voters as the desperation chum the ’04 administration chucks over the side first when there’s any sign of poll trouble in the happy years to come.

Update: (I’ve been trying to find a comprehensive list of Radio and Television Correspondents, with email addresses, to add to the KoolAid Kids list above. If anyone has a link or a list, do tell.)