It’s time for another wacky adventure on “Everybody Loves Doug Giles.” Today we find Doug advising the Beav on how to succeed in the hipster coffee house we call life. It involves a little something called the Bible, Daddy-O.

The times in which we?re living are darker than Rob Zombie listening to the Insane Clown Posse in Jimmy Page?s dungeon? or something like that.

And we start out with one of those meta-culture based metaphors for which Doug is deservedly famous. But even he is getting unsure about what they mean.

The fact that our current cruddy culture is doing things that make demons blush takes no great insight for the honest person to perceive.

Our culture is really rotten, and that’s why we should make numerous references to it in each of our sermons — to show the kids that we’re down with their “acid rock” and “Richard Grieco,” and thus prove we are cool, so they will believe us when we say how rotten our current culture really is.

The thing that confronts us, the subject about which I get several hundred e-mails every week is: ?What can the young, God and country loving American do, to help turn this nation around before it slams solidly into a brick wall.?

Doug gets several hundred emails a week? And they all ask him about brick walls? Is he being major-spammed or what? (It would be fun to send him several hundred emails asking, “What can the young, God-and-country loving Wile E. Coyote do to catch the Roadrunner before slamming solidly into a brick wall?” but it would probably cause us to get in trouble with our Internet provider.)

My advice is to go back to a time in history when things sucked worse than a vacuum cleaner powered by a GE jet engine, look to see who/what remedied that particularly dilapidated situation and repeat their principles of change.

2600 hundred years ago four Hebrew lads, namely, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego were taken captive into Babylon.

Hey, that’s not history, that’s the Old Testament! And they didn’t have vacuum cleaners then! And Daniel and the Chan Clan didn’t keep Babylon from slamming into a brick wall, since it fell over 2500 years ago — numerous times.

They were stripped of everything that was sacred to them. They were tempted more sorely than a 15 year old Baptist boy at a Beyonce concert, and they were force fed an anti-theistic culture.

So Kyle Williams has been sending Doug emails, complaining about how the harlot Beyonce has been tempting him to touch himself on his tingly places.

Oh, and I believe Babylon gave us many important advances is agriculture, art, architecture, astronomy, law, etc. Which proves that maybe “anti-theistic” cultures can be a GOOD thing.

What follows is a very brief and crude exposition of five of the seven habits of these highly effective Jewish 20-somethings, as recorded in Daniel chapter one of the Bible. Daniel?s experience serves as an example of how the young, traditional God-fearing American can begin to position himself for positive influence in our increasingly secular society. If you want a fully fleshed out version, check out my latest book RULING IN BABYLON.

But if you want all the insider secrets on how to achieve mega-sucess in a society that’s playing Chinese fire drill in Sid Vicious’ jockstrap while Janis Joplin fixes gyros, then you should attend Daniel and Meshach’s Personal Growth 3000 Seminar! (Sadly, the group broke up over a Japanese woman, and now Abed-nego won’t speak to any of the others. And Shadrach died in a mysterious auto accident two years ago. So, it’s just a fab twosome now. But of course, Daniel was always the big draw, being the front man, so it’s not like the two missing group members have hurt ticket sales.)

Anyway, here’s an edited version of Doug’s “Rocking to the oldies” success plan:

1. Get a life. Daniel and his buddies were not passive blame-shifting slack-jawed dweebs who prolonged their infancy by living prodigally within an extended therapeutic womb. [snip] We must get out of bed, turn off MTV, change our underwear and move out of mummy?s house. Let?s buy an alarm clock, set it and begin to make things happen.

Daniel and his friends were brought into King’s household under an “EEO internship for Hebrews plan,” so, they didn’t “get a life” all on their own. But they did presumably turn off MTV and change their underwear from time to time.

2. Look good. Unless you?re a rock star, custom chopper builder, or a barista at Starbuck?s, you might want to think twice about tattooing your shaved skull.

Will do, Doug. But I hear there’s good money in being a Starbuck’s barista. And some of those custom chopper builders make over $100K a year. And reportedly “rock star” is one of America’s best-paying professions. It does indeed make me think twice about that tattoo/shaved skull thing.

3. Get smart. The greatest commandment in the scripture is to love God with all your heart, soul, MIND and strength. Those who purport to be connected to the God of the Bible should not have an IQ lower than Beavis and Butthead. Anti-intellectualism is a scandal and a sin. For the traditional conservative American it is not only a sin because it is a refusal to treat with gravity the great commandment; it is also a scandal because it keeps the community from taking one seriously.

You know, like how everyone takes Doug “Crack Night in the Ferret Cage” Giles seriously.

4. Understand worldviews. Unless young conservatives are intellectually equipped to understand and defend a traditional biblical worldview against the secular humanism, Marxism and Islamic weltanschauung fired at them on a 24/7/365 basis in the college classroom and via the media elite?s excretions ? we?re Spam.

Wow, young conservatives get German secular/humanistic/Islamic world views thrown at them every hour of every day? When do the poor dears sleep?

I guess they don’t — they stay up all night emailing Doug about brick walls. Which explains the mention of Spam.

5. Serve somebody. Another way to adjust our secularly altered states is by serving somebody.

It may be the devil, or it may be the Lord, but you have to serve somebody. (But if it’s the devil, don’t tell Doug about it, ’cause he’d freak.)

As much as I am a wholehearted proponent of debate ? sometimes ? no, a lot of the time ? we should shut up and lend a practical hand. The more we help an ?at risk kid? with his homework, a needy single mom get a roof over her head, a teenager dying of leukemia in his last days at a children?s hospital or playing black jack with some great granddads at a retirement home, the more we balance our rhetoric with reality.

Okay, that part is actually good advice. Doug, I commend you for getting off the drugs long enough to write something that made sense.

My ClashPoint is this: The grand ascent of Daniel and his compadres was as a result of giving God their utmost for His highest. Along with their deep spirituality, they became young leaders who were physically fit and well versed in all manner of knowledge. They were brilliant servants who were 10 times greater than all the resident slugs in Babylon.

And they got thrown into a furnace, while the slugs just got salted.

My advice to the young traditional conservative American is: follow the simple instructions on your shampoo bottle: lather, rinse and repeat. Lather, rinse and repeat Daniel?s actions, and watch how you will rise to a place of authority in our Babylonian culture.

Yes, lather up with Daniel and his friends, and you will go far, young conservative! Hey, you could even become President of Babylon — or at least get a Halliburton contract to rebuild it after we invade it this summer.

And that, my young conservative buddies, is a big mene, mene, tekel, upsharsin.