Shorter Bozo Brentell, Newsblusterers:
The Failed Couric Experiment
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Shorter Jeannie DeAngelis, Ruhnoomuhrka:
USC Bonobo Study Group
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Dan Blatt — aka America’s Dumbest Homosexual™
— cuddles with his current boyfriend.
Shorter Dan Blatt, The Allegedly Gay Alleged Patriot:
Well, in recent days, Log Cabin had started sounding like Republicans
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
[h/t Evan Hurst]
[Unlike Dan Blatt, I have a real job, and it has kept me crazy busy lately. And I’ll be on travel for the next several days, so posting may continue to be light for a few more days. If that bothers anyone, please send a letter to Sadly, No! Customer Service and the nice people there in our Bangalore office will refund your subscription fees.]
Robert Maynard (right); Scarred, soulless monster (right)
Shorter Robert Maynard, Renoomurka
Is healthcare a human right?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
ABOVE: B. Daniel Blatt, America’s Dumbest Homosexual™
Shorter Dan Blatt, The Gay Putz:
Obsession & Intolerance
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Cf.
ABOVE: Separated at Birth? Pigpen and Dough-Bob Loadpants (aka J-Load Doughberg)
Shorter J-Load Doughberg, America’s Shittiest Website™:
Chocolate City No More
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Renew America’s Bryan Fischer has made the shocking discovery that the US Constitution’s ballyhooed First Amendment doesn’t protect the ‘right’ of Muslims to practice their religion:
Islam and the First Amendment: privileges but not rights
By Bryan Fischer
The First Amendment was written by the Founders to protect the free exercise of Christianity. They were making no effort to give special protections to Islam. Quite the contrary.
A bold statement and it probably behooves us to look at the actual text of the First Amendment to see if Fischer’s on to something:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Holy Hannah, he’s right! We don’t see anything about ‘Islam’ in there, either. Whereas the part that specifically names ‘Christianity’ is right there between the lines!
Meanwhile, there’s nothing in the First Amendment that says the PRESIDENT can’t make a law ‘respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof’, even if Congress can’t. Not that the stealth Muslim in the White House would ever make a law prohibiting Islam — yeah, right!
Islam has no fundamental First Amendment claims, for the simple reason that it was not written to protect the religion of Islam. Islam is entitled only to the religious liberty we extend to it out of courtesy. While there certainly ought to be a presumption of religious liberty for non-Christian religious traditions in America, the Founders were not writing a suicide pact when they wrote the First Amendment.
Ironically, suicide pacts are themselves protected under the First Amendment. Or are they? It’s a question for the lawyers, but we’re guessing that Judas Priest-inspired suicide pacts are protected under the Constitution but Cat Stevens ones are not. To quote the great Supreme Court justice Felix Frankfurter, ‘If you want to sing out, shut the fuck up, raghead! PS durka durka bitchez!’
(Historical sidenote: If you play the First Amendment backwards you hear this.)
Our government has no obligation to allow a treasonous ideology to receive special protections in America …
True, but making a big fuss about Todd Palin’s past political affiliations is sort of tacky, right?
… but this is exactly what the Democrats are trying to do right now with Islam.
Oh, right. Forgot to stay on message for a second.
From a constitutional point of view, Muslims have no First Amendment right to build mosques in America.
Well, duh. Everybody knows that the First Amendment is trumped by the Ground Zero Amendment!
They have that privilege at the moment, but it is a privilege that can be revoked if, as is in fact the case, Islam is a totalitarian ideology dedicated to the destruction of the United States.
And having the state ban certain types of religious speech is so totally not totalitarian! I’d say we’ve reached peak wingnut, but I’m still holding out for the ‘Obama: Member Of An Al-Qaeda Sleeper Cell?’ headline on WorldNetDaily.
Is it just me, or is Pam Atlas channeling Irvine Welsh in this bit on Dick Durbin’s Muslim rights hearings?
Muslims are freest in this country than any other country in the world and frankly no one gives a fig what they worship. The problem arose when thousands wee laughtered in the name of allah and the glory of jihad. We are entitled to our lives, Mr. Durbin. We are entitled to our security, Mr. Durbin. We are entitled to kee pur babies safe, Mr. Durbin. [emphasis mine]
Ken? We certainly don’t, but as long as we’re butchering Burns, might as well go all the way:
Tits, wha hae wi’ Nazis fed,
Tits, wham aften’s off her meds,
Welcome tæ John Bolton’s bed,
Or tæ Flirtini.
UPDATE: Pam’s fixed her typos, but just for the record and so’s nobody thinks we were making shit up:
If you are up to speed on blogospherical goings-on, then you will surely be aware that Ann Althouse paramour and Lord Protector of Hans Christian Heg Statues New Media Meade has been bounced from a blatantly liberal blog’s comments section by those candyasses at Lawyers, Guns and Money.
As Ann’s commenter Dust Bunny Queen put it: ‘Althouse has the class and courage to keep even the most derogatory and obnoxious comments from posters about herself instead of whining about it and deleting.’ She’s nothing if not thick-skinned, our Ann.
At any rate, we find this development deucedly unfair to Meade. And so we’d like to offer our own humbler Web-blog’s comment threads as friendlier cyberspatial confines … where he may feel free to post his obfuscations, grammar pedantry and gallant defenses of Lady Ann with no fear of deletion or reprise.
Please visit our shores, Meade! And to sweeten the deal, we’ve cooked up some cool new merchandising ideas for Ann’s blog that we offer free of charge (seeing as how there’s some kind of charity thing going on over there right now).
First up: A lovely Ann n’ Meade Screensaver – truly an inspiration for romance-challenged bloggers who dare to dream that true love may be found amidst retarded debate over the subliminal use of the N-Word in Democratic campaign ads:
Next: Now you too can own Meade’s favoritest Novelty T-shirt of all time! Who couldn’t resist walking hand-in-hand with a foxy Constitutional law professor while sporting this eye-catching number?
Finally, for the children: Educational Ann n’ Meade Missionary Position Puppets to scare the little rugrats out of playing doctor after hitting their parents’ box wine stash! Take it from Ann and Meade, kids — getting wood sounds plenty fun, but nobody wants a splinter!
Special Bonus: Our Missionary Position Puppets may be primarily intended for the youngsters, but that doesn’t mean grown-ups can’t get a kick out of them too! When you and your sex partner-slash-wingnutosphere trophy putz mix and match our patent-pending magnetized Ann n’ Meade Sex Fantasy Thought Balloons, you’ll get jillions of great ideas for what to think about when forced to do the nasty for appearance’s sake!
Fig. 1
Fig. 2
So please come comment on our blog, Meade. We would never ban you or delete your comments — and more importantly, we’d never ever never insult you or your wonderful bride.
ABOVE:Raphael, Ross de’ Docciacappellone
(1518)(soil on newspaper)
Shorter Ross Douthat, A Formerly Great New York Newspaper:
A Very Liberal Intervention
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™